Constant Double Standard

[karma_gal]

For a long time I have gotten horribly frustrated with the constant double standard that is so prevalent in my marriage and am wondering if anyone else goes through this, and if so how you cope. 

My H maintains a regular job outside the house.  I work mainly from a home office.  We have, for years, had issues where when I'm trying to work and he's home for whatever reason -- holiday, weekend, his off hours, et cetera -- he will bug me constantly, to the point where it's worse than a little kid.  It's like because I'm here, he thinks I should be available to him to cater to his every whim.  He thinks nothing of coming into my office ten, 20, 30 times a day while I'm working for one thing or another... .and so far it hasn't yet been for a situation that he could not handle on his own.  It's more like he knows I'm here and he cannot stand that I'm here but he's not getting my attention, work is.  He will interrupt me to ask me where the extra toilet paper is, to tell me that the neighbors are outside doing such and such -- just stupid stuff all the time.  I am on nearly impossible deadlines this week and really just don't have time for it.  I finally yelled at him last night to leave me alone so that I could work.  That, of course, got me the raging that morphed into a pity party, and now I'm behind and will have to work straight through the next 36 hours to catch back up.

However, if I call him at work, all hell breaks loose and he rages.  Don't I know he's working?  He can't be interrupted with this crap.  There's not a darn thing he can do about it because he's at work.  Now, let me say I don't call him because I'm lonely.  I called him once because our son was being squaded to the hospital, another time because a pipe burst in our basement and there was water going everywhere -- in other words, true emergencies. 

This shows up in other areas of our lives:  It's acceptable for him to lie, but if I forget to tell him something, I become "liar by omission" of the year.  He can spend money incessantly on absolutely nothing -- soda, candy bars, et cetera -- but if I buy a new pair of pants, I'm "blowing" all of our money.  He can be sick and lay on the couch for hours on end, doing nothing, but if I'm sick and try to lay down, I'm lazy and he has to do everything and he huffs and puffs through the house, slamming cabinet doors, kicking things, et cetera. 

I just feel like we're operating under two sets of rules here and it's really starting to bother me.  I'm tired of always being expected to be strong, be healthy, work like a mad woman, watch every penny, remember every detail to inform him, while he can lie, lay around, do nothing and create chaos, leave work early, take time off.  If I do something "wrong" in his eyes, I'm punished mercilessly.  If he does something wrong, that clearly is wrong -- lie, blow thousands of dollars, rage like a maniac -- I'm supposed to overlook it and forgive him and move on with no resolution and no apology. 

This relationship is just so unbalanced and unstable, and the more I read, the more I talk to people, it's becoming more and more obvious just how many things aren't right here. 

So if any of you had experienced this, how did you deal with it until you were able to make the decision to leave for good? 

[maxsterling]

No advice for you, but I can add I experience the same thing.  Double standard all around.  If I get depressed, she is furious.  But she is depressed 24/7 and I have to deal with it. 

If my back is sore, she says "you should do this, that, take better care of myself."  If her back is sore and I said that, look out!  She will somehow blame it on me, the bed, etc.

I have no idea how many boyfriends/girlfriends or sexual partners she has had, but probably dozens from the way she talks.  She doesn't talk about them specifically, but she will mention, "oh one time on a date... .or one time an ex boyfriend did this... ."   and should I so much as mention that I even had an ex girlfriend (of which I have only 3), she gets jealous and freaks out.

I probably do 90-955 of the cleaning around the house.  the other day she was on ME to put MY stuff away so that SHE would not be stressed out.   She later apologized, kinda.

She used to constantly criticize me over some kind of "noise" I make when I eat (a noise I apparently can't hear).  It was every night she would criticize me.  I finally started to say "that's gross" after every time she burped (she burps often) and then she quit criticizing me. 

The whole relationship has been a double standard, and she even admits it.  One time she told me that her childhood was worse than mine so her depression and feelings take precedence over mine. 

[Seneca]

Of course there's a double standard. That's BPD in a nutshell, "I can't be wrong, because if I am wrong/ mess up/ lie/ act stupid etc I am a worthless no good person who deserves to die (splitting), so therefore everything in life that isn't perfect must be someone else's fault but my own." They literally are incapable of having any true insight or objectivity regarding their own behavior and will split you, project onto you, do anything they can to make you the villain in the movie of their life.   

You know what I realized? I go to all these insane lengths to try and be perfect and accepting and understanding and loving and not upset the guy, but no matter what I do it's still not enough. So why bother with any of it? Why walk on eggshells if they will just make something up about you, or visit their memory banks and remind you of how bad you sucked 5 years ago? There is no winning. The way I deal with it until it's time to leave for good is to just "do me". I be me, do what I want, not bend over backward, not try to prove myself etc. Stop caring. Emotionally isolate yourself. Don't tell them how their behavior makes you feel, cause the don't CARE. DOn't have a dialogue about it! If you aren't going to stay there long term, why go through the hassle? Let em yell, or leave if you don't want to listen to it. Let em lie about you and accuse you of things... .stop defending yourself. The only way to win is to disengage.

[Samuel S.]

Indeed, it is a constant double standard. You may be busy with one thing, and he comes in, interrupting your concentration. In my situation, my BPDw decided a few years back that she wanted to have her own bedroom. So, she fixed up our spare bedroom for her so that she can have her privacy. Yet, when I am focusing on what I am doing in my own bedroom, she purposefully wil enter without even asking. She just plops herself on my bed and expects me to focus all of my attention onto her which is easily 15 to 20 minutes with her talking the "pity party". If I say that I am concentrating on something important, she will say that I don't care about her. If I were to do the same thing to her in her own bedroom, she will say that she doesn't have any free time for herself. So, you lose while he wins. So, I lose while she wins. All of us nonBPDs can attest to this unfortunately. I am clueless as to how to handle this type of situation, but it sure does impede on you, on me, and on everyone else who only wish to have equality and fairness.

[Southern_Belle]

You know what I realized? I go to all these insane lengths to try and be perfect and accepting and understanding and loving and not upset the guy, but no matter what I do it's still not enough. So why bother with any of it? Why walk on eggshells if they will just make something up about you, or visit their memory banks and remind you of how bad you sucked 5 years ago? There is no winning. The way I deal with it until it's time to leave for good is to just "do me". I be me, do what I want, not bend over backward, not try to prove myself etc. Stop caring. Emotionally isolate yourself. Don't tell them how their behavior makes you feel, cause the don't CARE. DOn't have a dialogue about it! If you aren't going to stay there long term, why go through the hassle? Let em yell, or leave if you don't want to listen to it. Let em lie about you and accuse you of things... .stop defending yourself. The only way to win is to disengage.

That describes me and my reactions perfectly. I've been doing some disengaging and not feeling one bit bad or sorry about it either. Just yesterday (Christmas Day - he went to see his mom and I went out west to visit my family) I started receiving texts messages from him complaining about some issue that was in no relation to the holiday. I validated and then moved on. He kept sending text messages trying to engage me and I did nothing.

So, then I started to make a joke out of it to myself (I didn't tell him any of these things) and to my step-sister. She asked what was going on and what the problem was. I said, "Oh you know, the usual stuff. E has a very poopy diaper and it's, oh so sad, that I'm not there to change it. Aaaaaaaaw." Of course, E knows nothing about what her and I joked about to each other.

[Seneca]

You know what I realized? I go to all these insane lengths to try and be perfect and accepting and understanding and loving and not upset the guy, but no matter what I do it's still not enough. So why bother with any of it? Why walk on eggshells if they will just make something up about you, or visit their memory banks and remind you of how bad you sucked 5 years ago? There is no winning. The way I deal with it until it's time to leave for good is to just "do me". I be me, do what I want, not bend over backward, not try to prove myself etc. Stop caring. Emotionally isolate yourself. Don't tell them how their behavior makes you feel, cause the don't CARE. DOn't have a dialogue about it! If you aren't going to stay there long term, why go through the hassle? Let em yell, or leave if you don't want to listen to it. Let em lie about you and accuse you of things... .stop defending yourself. The only way to win is to disengage.

That describes me and my reactions perfectly. I've been doing some disengaging and not feeling one bit bad or sorry about it either. Just yesterday (Christmas Day - he went to see his mom and I went out west to visit my family) I started receiving texts messages from him complaining about some issue that was in no relation to the holiday. I validated and then moved on. He kept sending text messages trying to engage me and I did nothing.

So, then I started to make a joke out of it to myself (I didn't tell him any of these things) and to my step-sister. She asked what was going on and what the problem was. I said, "Oh you know, the usual stuff. E has a very poopy diaper and it's, oh so sad, that I'm not there to change it. Aaaaaaaaw." Of course, E knows nothing about what her and I joked about to each other.

it's true isn't it? waa waa, baby is upset again. like a toddler throwing a tantrum. but you know what, i pray that somehow God can give me some empathy for him... .to understand the turmoil that is going on inside of him. this will do nothing to change my treatment of him, but hopefully my attitude. i don't WANT to be angry. or annoyed. or hurt anymore. i want to take care of myself and feel what i should for him - sympathy. his life is pathetic. he is a shell of a person. he will probably never get better. he will die lonely after a life of emptiness and loneliness... .for even if there is someone there to hold his hand, that love never reached his heart, it never filled him up, and he was never able to reciprocate it. what a sad worthless life.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw goes through her ups and downs: her ups which is some of the time and her downs which is a majority of the time. Indeed, Seneca, you are so right on. Love never can truly reach a BPD's heart. It is never filled up with exterior things. She tries to fill her worth by doing things on the outside, and she cannot be truly happy due to her negativity for herself and for others. Granted, her life had been bad before me, but she is repeating the same negative patterns now that she has been complaining about.

[karma_gal]

You know what I realized? I go to all these insane lengths to try and be perfect and accepting and understanding and loving and not upset the guy, but no matter what I do it's still not enough. So why bother with any of it? Why walk on eggshells if they will just make something up about you, or visit their memory banks and remind you of how bad you sucked 5 years ago? There is no winning. The way I deal with it until it's time to leave for good is to just "do me". I be me, do what I want, not bend over backward, not try to prove myself etc. Stop caring. Emotionally isolate yourself. Don't tell them how their behavior makes you feel, cause the don't CARE. DOn't have a dialogue about it! If you aren't going to stay there long term, why go through the hassle? Let em yell, or leave if you don't want to listen to it. Let em lie about you and accuse you of things... .stop defending yourself. The only way to win is to disengage.

That describes me and my reactions perfectly. I've been doing some disengaging and not feeling one bit bad or sorry about it either. Just yesterday (Christmas Day - he went to see his mom and I went out west to visit my family) I started receiving texts messages from him complaining about some issue that was in no relation to the holiday. I validated and then moved on. He kept sending text messages trying to engage me and I did nothing.

So, then I started to make a joke out of it to myself (I didn't tell him any of these things) and to my step-sister. She asked what was going on and what the problem was. I said, "Oh you know, the usual stuff. E has a very poopy diaper and it's, oh so sad, that I'm not there to change it. Aaaaaaaaw." Of course, E knows nothing about what her and I joked about to each other.

it's true isn't it? waa waa, baby is upset again. like a toddler throwing a tantrum. but you know what, i pray that somehow God can give me some empathy for him... .to understand the turmoil that is going on inside of him. this will do nothing to change my treatment of him, but hopefully my attitude. i don't WANT to be angry. or annoyed. or hurt anymore. i want to take care of myself and feel what i should for him - sympathy. his life is pathetic. he is a shell of a person. he will probably never get better. he will die lonely after a life of emptiness and loneliness... .for even if there is someone there to hold his hand, that love never reached his heart, it never filled him up, and he was never able to reciprocate it. what a sad worthless life.

You have so beautifully summed up what it must be like for them.  I cannot imagine what a life like that must be like.  And I wish I could find it in me to have more sympathy for him knowing that what you wrote above is absolutely true.  Maybe that will come once I've disengaged and gotten away.  For now, it just ticks me off that I have so much to offer him but he hasn't a clue what to do with it. 

I was reading tons of archives here this morning before I fell asleep and the one thing I kept thinking was how amazing it is, really, that the human brain is so capable of getting so screwed up in the absence of physical trauma -- referring in my H's case to parental abandonment, realizing, of course, that some kids do suffer physical trauma by way of abuse; its inherent ability to compensate for the horrendous things that happen to pwBPDs as children.  And I'm so confused at how modern medicine hasn't come up with a way to cure this.  Now I understand more why I've read in the past that therapists don't like to treat BPDs.  Who would, right?

[an0ught]

- When looking at the talk...

- When looking at the walk...

- When looking at what is demanded of us... .

Double standards indeed.

It confuses us profoundly. We feel upset. We feel cheated. And it certainly is not level dealing.

But then we also know now more. And we do carry responsibility for ourselves. What could that mean for our perspective? What choices do we have?


- When looking at the talk... .we know it often is chiefly expressing or evoking emotions and is less about facts. Desires and not so much deeds. Is it responsible to take it at face value?

- When looking at the walk... .we know it is important. Do we give it enough attention? Do we understand the true drivers behind it? Do we validate this understanding to be sure and maybe learn more?

- When looking at what is demanded of us... .knowing that communication is often about emotions and not facts. Why do we internalize it? Where are our boundaries? Where are our values guiding our walking?


It is easier if THEIR talk is aligned with THEIR walk as it confuses us if it is not. We may be able to compensate partially through deeper understanding though.

It is for our own security and sense of security critical that the walk of our partner is compatible with OUR boundaries. Protecting shared boundaries should be shared responsibility. Protecting our own boundaries in the end is our responsibility and will always cost some effort in any partnership. In some it may be exhausting, an unacceptable high one or it may be impossible.

It is for our own self esteem vital that we walk our talk and act within OUR boundaries. And we as a couple act within our shared boundaries.


These relationships are very intense and close. It is natural to wish that both sides talk the same, walk the same. It is natural in a VERY close and enmeshed relationship were boundaries are blued. How healthy that is and whether it corresponds to our true needs is another question.


Yes we can judge a confused person for not walking their talk. It is indeed confusing. But the level of emotions here is higher. So... .

- Are we feeling guilty about being confused by someone we did not understand?

- Are our own values and boundaries touched?

- Is it in part projection?

[LostInWonderland]

My God, everything said in this thread is my life. To a tee. I finally don't feel alone. Specially in the original post about how he is alowed to lie, but if I slip up and lie, I am the worst person in the world. Separate rules - that just about sums it up. Seriously, thank the Lord I found this website. I needed this. So badly.

[waverider]

Consistency and equality is unfortunately a casualty of the disorder. Expecting it to be otherwise is setting ourselves up for resentment.

Live by what you feel is right and set up protections and boundaries to isolate you from what causes you stress.

If living with this disorder in a relationship means that the neediness, which is part of the disorder, makes that untenable. Then that is a circumstance you have to accept and work around. You will have to make changes until such time life can go on in a practical way. Even if that means not working from home ultimately.

It sucks, sure, but more so if you get stuck on just complaining about it. That is were pwBPD get stuck. We are more capable of changing things.

If you start feeling resentment, then that is the big alarm bell that is telling you that YOU need to change something as that resentment will become the relationship killer.

[Samuel S.]

More double standard stuff! My BPDw was basically complaining this morning about a coworker who married and subsequently divorced 2 men, and this coworker said that she felt forced to marrying them. My BPDw told her and me that she herself needs to take ownership of making the decision of marrying them, because she really didn't have to, if she didn't want to. The irony of her declaration is that when I met and fell in love with my BPDw, she felt forced to marry me, which is far from the truth. She wanted to marry me; yet, she has told me off and on that it was my fault that I forced her to marry me. UGH! When my BPDw told me about her coworker, I immediately thought about her being "forced" to marrying me. If I could have a video of what she had said earlier. . .

[maxen]

i need therapy, but she's just the way she is.

unfortunately, also this:

If you start feeling resentment, then that is the big alarm bell that is telling you that YOU need to change something as that resentment will become the relationship killer.

[Seneca]

More double standard stuff! My BPDw was basically complaining this morning about a coworker who married and subsequently divorced 2 men, and this coworker said that she felt forced to marrying them. My BPDw told her and me that she herself needs to take ownership of making the decision of marrying them, because she really didn't have to, if she didn't want to. The irony of her declaration is that when I met and fell in love with my BPDw, she felt forced to marry me, which is far from the truth. She wanted to marry me; yet, she has told me off and on that it was my fault that I forced her to marry me. UGH! When my BPDw told me about her coworker, I immediately thought about her being "forced" to marrying me. If I could have a video of what she had said earlier. . .

oh Samuel, stop telling me about my life! for years my BPDh would tell people that I forced him/ demanded he married me... .that he didn't want to. Which is a total rewriting of history. I recall him being awed that "someone like you (me)" would marry a guy like him... .tears and all! Finally I realized that I could use his slight narcissitic PD tendencies against him to get him to knock it off. One day after he trotted that tired old story out, I said "and what kind of man does that make you look like? that you acquiesced when i demanded we get married? it makes you look weak... like you aqre incapable of making your own decisions! see, you think you are embarrasing me when you say that, but really - you are only embarrasing yourself." HE NEVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN!  

[karma_gal]

Consistency and equality is unfortunately a casualty of the disorder. Expecting it to be otherwise is setting ourselves up for resentment.

Live by what you feel is right and set up protections and boundaries to isolate you from what causes you stress.

If living with this disorder in a relationship means that the neediness, which is part of the disorder, makes that untenable. Then that is a circumstance you have to accept and work around. You will have to make changes until such time life can go on in a practical way. Even if that means not working from home ultimately.

It sucks, sure, but more so if you get stuck on just complaining about it. That is were pwBPD get stuck. We are more capable of changing things.

If you start feeling resentment, then that is the big alarm bell that is telling you that YOU need to change something as that resentment will become the relationship killer.

Waverider:

Wow, I need to hire you as my personal therapist, because you have given me some great advice throughout my threads.

A couple of things with this one:

I see what you are saying about it may come to the point where, ultimately, I just don't work from home.  But, see, this is the kind of thing I have a problem with.  This is a freelance gig I have had for 12 years, and I really do resent the fact that *I* may have to be the one to make changes simply because he can't act right.  From where I sit, it's not like I started working from home yesterday, it's been going on for 12 years with my at-home time more than it's ever been right now.  Sure, we've had the usual bumps through the years with me reiterating that just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm always available, that I have a job to do.  My kids did well with that lesson and learned to only interrupt when they needed me.  My H is the only one who hasn't gotten the message and persists with this craziness.  When he has been at his worst, I have packed up my kids and my laptop and gone to work at hotels.  I've looked into office space to rent so that I can work, and this is an option I'm looking into again now. 

The point is, though, that I really am resentful that I have to change the way I do everything simply because he can't handle acting somewhat normal.  We all know that he knows better, because if I were to pull his stunts on him at work, he would have a coronary.  It's like he's waged a battle against me with the end-game being that he succeeds in causing me to completely turn my life upside down to accommodate him and his issues.  I have gone along for the ride in many respects without a lot of push back, but I draw the line at my work.  That just seems to me to be one area where it simply is not okay to allow him to keep interfering and dictating with his acting up and acting out.  I swear there are days when I think he's not going to be happy until he's made darn sure that I don't have a job, and that will be the day he walks out the door without a second glance, and I'm screwed. 

All of this ties into the second comment I bolded, aka resentment.  Obviously, I'm there, and I don't know how to deal with it, because the things I'm resentful over continue day in and day out.  It's not like I'm resentful over something he's done in the past and I just can't get over it.  I'm resentful at how our everyday lives are led to accommodate him and his issues, walking on eggshells to avoid rages, having to change who I am when he's around because he can't handle it.  I know that the only sure-fire "cure" for this is to get out, and Lord knows I hope I'm soon in a position to make that happen.  I don't doubt that in normal circumstances resentment can be a marriage killer.  In my case, though, my marriage had already been slaughtered by his lies, the double standard, and the myriad other issues his PD brings into play before I even realized what was going on and grew resentful over it. 

So you are so incredibly right again with your assessment and suggestions.  Maybe I'm just being bull-headed and absolutely refuse to compromise on this work thing because there is no reason for it.  I obviously need to deal with my resentment, though, because it definitely isn't helping things, and in fact is probably making things worse.  I just don't know how to deal right now with all the crap he slings at me on a daily basis.  Like I said, getting out would be great, but it's not a realistic option for me right now, so I have to get better at functioning on a daily basis now that my eyes are wide open, I see things for what they are.  The inequality and imbalance is eating me up. 

[waverider]

karma_gal

I also work from home and get that whole stuck in the middle of what should be ideal is being disrupted by behavior out of my control.

I was once told imagine your ideal home office had a railroad running outside your window. You can't move the railroad, nor stop the trains, so you either have to accept the work environment will either be constantly compromised, or accept that this compromise is too disruptive. Hence you need to move your office away from the railroad.

I took the road of accepting that my work will always be part time and flexible. Experience has taught me that my partner deteriorates with too much separation and that ultimately gives me a bigger bag of worms to deal with. Either way a full time successful career or business is not attainable within this relationship, my partner is too low functioning.