homeless and raging

[Mirella]

My son (28 y/o) is homeless again. Evicted again. I bought him a used van. He is out of control and raging, broke his cell phone (again) and computer (again) I don't know how to cope with him being homeless. He shrieks and screams one phone and cries the next. Does anyone have any words of wisdom or comfort?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Mirella,

Wow that sounds so stressful!  You must be so lost in how to handle this situation!  I can't even imagine how frustrating it is to hear that your son is homeless again.  Where was he living when he was evicted?  Ok, so he has broken his cell phone and computer again.  How did he get them fixed/replaced last time? 

Is he working?  Is the county involved?  What kind of support could he reach out for?  Is he using drugs?  I'm sorry for all the questions.  I need more information so we could all brainstorm for ideas in getting your son some help.

Hang in there! 

-crazed 

[peace in steel town]

Sadly, words of comfort are few, and words of wisdom are fewer. It's hard to control or help a situation that is beyond your control. You need to put up boundaries, and let your son deal with the uncomfortable consequences of his actions. He needs more problems to solve, on his own. I'm guessing you paid for his cell phone and computer, just like the van. So long as you help him, and ease the pain of his actions, he will never learn. It's hard to sit and watch your loved one run their life off into the ditch, but it's the only way they will learn. Eventually, he will get tired of being homeless, get tired of paying to replace the cell phone he broke, and so on. I believe they call it tough love.

[Mirella]

Thank you both for your response to my cry for help. I think he is using crystal meth. He is not working. The county is not involved. He will not reach out for support. On Christmas Eve I asked him to go to the ER because he was saying he wanted to commit suicide. He wouldn't tell me where he is exactly, he is on another island (I live in Hawaii) He is scaring me because he has started to mention suicide, he has not done this before. He has been saying in on and off since October.The tough love I am OK with thus far is providing food and shelter, no money, cell phone or computer.  The most recent computer he had was a gift from my father, he got it in Oct this year.

I am seeing a therapist that is familiar with BPD and DBT.  I have a difficult time focusing at work. I have a job with a lot of pressure, a lot of responsibility and it is so hard to maintain preforming professionally. I am so sad. I know I have no control. All for now... .Mirella

[crazedncrazymom]

How scary!  My daughter also struggles with suicidal ideation.  I can't imagine a more stressful situation for you.  Please know we are here for you!  I hope you check out the tools and lessons on the right hand side.  They really do help a great deal.  Unfortunately it is so hard to get someone to get help if they don't want to.  I found a link that may be helpful to you.

This perspective talks about whether or not to tell a person they have BPD and gives some ideas on how to approach your son about treatment:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

Best of luck!

-crazed

[peace in steel town]

I feel for you. Christmas time has been so stressful, with all that went on with dd, we forgot to put up Christmas lights or decorations. And more than one customer heard me vent, because I couldn't concentrate on work. We are both tired of talking about this and dealing with it every single day. I don't know what I would do in your case. We have almost daily contact with dd, and know where she lives. However, it's hard to get someone to get help when, in their mind, they don't need it.

[qcarolr]

Mirella - finding a way to keep a connection to our adult kids when they are in this out of control situation is the toughest thing I have ever endured. There is such a limited means for us to be supportive and avoid being enabling.  From my experience with my DD27, tough love alone can make things worse with my DD and damage my ability to have any kind of positive connections with her. Even a detached connection.

There is so much really valuable information to the right under "tools". I am inconsistent in applying them, I make many mistakes along the way, yet things are so much better between my DD and our family. At the same time, dh and I are able to be consistent with some core boundaries needed to protect our values and to provide a safe home for ourselves and out gd8 who is in our custody (since she was an infant).

My Dd has been homeless on the street. Avoiding the shelter and various programs to get off the street - she has tried recently to let me know what her reasons have been. I was in so much pain and distress myself. Yet I did the best I could to learn and practice the principles of validation; to find ways to take care of my own needs and build a support network for myself (this site as part of that), and figure out how to have the courage to no longer tolerate the raging by being consistent with the boundaries we could no longer be inconsistent about.

Meth is such a awful drug. When my DD walked in the door (when we allowed her to live with us again after 20 months homeless) demanding and raging we learned to suspect meth. She was a heavy pot daily user - had her medical mj card. Was in relationship with toxic, drug addicted bf's that we allowed into our home as well. We made so very many mistakes. When she was not using things would be better. Then it all fell apart with the breakup of the last bf. She keeps trying to go back with old bf - it is not working. And she is on probation for harassment convictions with ex and on probation. It is hard to change her old patterns, to show up to the program there to help her, yet she is trying. She has goals now for first time in her life. I pray she can stay connected to the few friends that are willing to support her in being clean and in her program.


I learned to be validating with her, to love her in this way, regardless of her behaviors. Maybe I could not be in any kind of physical contact, yet I could still listen and validate event he tiniest feeling that was valid in as non-judgemental way as possible. And I am learning to love myself better along the way too. To be kind to myself.

Any time she was talking about suicide, I called 911 to ask for a wellness check, and I told her I was going to do this. Even though they often did not find her - and the officers in the area she lived knew who she was - she made it through the night.

As long as she is working in her probation program, we are supporting her with a place to live and some food assistance. She does have limited county benefits and is in an indigent, fully funded probation program with mental health care required - meds., Therapy, groups, etc. And monitoring for drugs/alcohol. I am seeing some tiny little changes in her (TLC's).

I hope you can work through some of the tools and lessons. They gave me my life back, helped me stay connected to my DD when things were really bad, and maybe DD is going to get her life moving in a new direction too. Always there is hope.

qcr

[clairedair]

Mirella,

Great to see that you have found your way from the Newbie Board to this Board and that you have been receiving some good support though I am sorry to hear again of your current situation with your son.

Wishing you and your son a healthier 2014,

Claire

[SeaSwirl]

Mirella,

My heart goes out to you and your son. Here's to healing and health in 2014.

Warm hugs 

SeaSwirl