Need support

[jaynebrain]

Hello everyone

I am completely exhausted and at the end of my tether. No where to go with my feelings, fears and enormous sadness. DD has been in DBT for 6 months. Initially made huge strides but now canceling appointments and making excuses. Not taking meds so irritable and unkind and critical. I walked on eggshells all over Christmas. I am exhausted. Friends just think its a discipline issue, can't the see the issue. My husband yells at me when I am sad. I just feel like I completely messed up our family and I am devastated. The final straw came when we took her to lunch today after feeding her (she is 20), buying new underwear and listening to her complaining bout everything and everyone.  I finally told her when she started complaining about the menu that I was sick to death of hearing it. She left the restaurant and started walking home (about 15 miles) my husband cannot let her fall - couldn't leave her to walk (she was able to talk a friend into picking her up) and can't understand why I am sad. This is such an alienating disease and after reading these blogs I am so discouraged. Anyone have wisdome or success stories? At what stage do you throw in the towel?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dee Dee]

Hi Jaynebrain

I am exhausted as well have dd18 and on my own  -have you read some of the tools and lessons they have greatly assisted me in a short amount of time.  It is so hard this time of year as well as BPD I try and live each hour and each day at a time and try and celebrate small successes it is great she has begun DBT. I also know what you mean about friends thinking itis a discipline problem - they have no idea of the pain and anguish. What are the good things you do for yourself ? Always remember your not alone 

[jaynebrain]

Thanks for the response Dee Dee.  I am sorry for your struggles too.  I have had such hope this year for her recovery.  Of course, any treatment is not covered by insurance, so we are going to the poorhouse to pay for it.  She is also "in college" but I doubt that she has passed a class in months.  We are paying for college, living expenses etc.  All out of pocket.  every time I try to hold her accountable - "let's go see about financial aid"  "lets reduce your class load to two classes to give you a better chance of success" she conveniently has a "job" or a an appointment.  Nothing ever gets done that will give us a break financially or emotionally.  She came home last night after the big runaway drama and "I am going to throw myself in front of a car" speech.  She came in to get things to go back to her apartment with her possie (apparently she needs protection from us) and told us that she was using gentle avoidance.  What does that mean? We are left feeling SAD, ANGRY, BEWILDERED AND JUST ABHOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.  What now?  Dee Dee - thank you for saying we are not alone, but where is everyone?  The good thing I did for myself is come to work.  Unconditional love does not exist for families with BPD.

[MammaMia]

Jaynebrain

Welcome to BPDF.  We are all so very glad you have found us and can relate to exactly what you are going through.  Having an adult child wBPD is devastating.  Friends and family members just do not understand the impact of this disorder on parents.  The emotional and financial drain is unbelievable.

You can divorce a spouse with BPD... .but it is not so simple with a child.  Often, we are the only people they can turn to and most of the time they hate us.

My pwBPD is my 39 year old son.  He tries hard to be independent but he is mentally still a child within a man's body.  You are correct about the storm of emotions we feel about our children.  We all feel them... .and it is ok.

Please know others here understand and want to provide support.  You have found a safe place to vent and ask for advice when necessary.  We get it... .and we strive to make life better for each other.  We are all we have.

Please keep posting.  It helps tremendously to share the frustration and pain.

[jaynebrain]

Thank you for giving me permission to vent.  I feel like I have been so strong and determined for months now, but on the one day I can't handle it, all of the hurt and disappointment came to a head and the day fell apart.  after running away from us at the restaurant, she spend some time talking to her second mom (my dearest friend in the whole world) and then asked permission to come by the house to pick up some things.  She said she had been practicing gentle avoidance because everything we say triggers her.  what does that mean?  We have been there for every stupid mistake, every tantrum, hospitalization, Dr visit and so much more.  She has to avoid us?  Does anyone have an explanation for this?

[Bracken]

Hi Jaynebrain  

I am sending you a lot of empathy. I totally identify with what you are expressing.

I'm sad to hear that your H is not understanding. Having a BPD child is hard on a marriage.  I was always the one trying to get D on track - having to act like "the bad cop" - because H was often oblivious, or being manipulated by D. My attempts at "discipline" were totally useless. Worst of all: they gave D and H a chance to condemn me as: "critical, controlling" - even "insane"!

But as you say, friends tend to see the problem as "lack of discipline".

Try to get free of blaming yourself, Jaynebrain. I know it's hard. I am partway there now.

It is encouraging that your DD has been going to DBT - even if she has fallen off the wagon lately. Did she actually get a diagnosis of BPD - and did she accept this? A big step. I don't think my D has ever had that diagnosis - and she was willing to accept the possibility of BPD only 3 months ago - age 26. Thanks to her BF. She was able to go to a group DBT session - but like your D, she too has fallen off the wagon.

Our D is all about cycles - (maybe she is more Bipolar than anything). D can do really well for a while - but it has never lasted. Also: like your DD, my D tend to be extremely negative.

My H and I are trying to have faith that D's downturns are becoming less frequent or severe - and that she is able to recover more quickly. Your DD is just 20. I have read that many BPD's achieve a lot of personal growth through their 20's. I do think my D has matured somewhat, since she was 20. Hope that helps a little - take care -

[Bracken]

Hi again

I too have been learning about "triggers" - and it is helping me cope better with my D.

Hurtful as it feels, it may be a wise move for your DD to have some distance from you, her family, right now - because her responses to family may be just too intense and too reactive. This is not a comment upon YOU. It is about your D and her emotions.

It happens to us too. Our D will avoid communication with us for long periods. Then, suddenly, she is phoning all the time.

[MammaMia]

Oh yes.  Your dd is exhibiting "normal" BPD behavior.

Christmas is a huge trigger.  PwBPD see everyone else and their families as happy and perfect.  They hate this and always blame their sadness and emotional emptiness on their "totally" selfish and dysfunctional families.  They are perpetual victims.  Victimization creates anger, rages, and withdrawal.  No matter how hard we try, we can never fill the black hole in their soul, and, of course, nothing is ever their fault.

When my dBPDs gets like that, I just back off.  Let him have his pity party and wait for his version of sanity to return.  Thank God he does not live with me.   When he is triggered, I just listen.  He will talk and talk and talk. All he wants to do is purge himself of venomous feelings about everything he thinks others have done to him.  So, I let him vent.  There is no point in trying to justify or validate.  Sometimes, our silence speaks louder than any words ever could.  

The Holidays are a nightmare for all of us.  Anything family-oriented is a trigger.

It is impossible to do enough for them personally: there is never enough money, love, time, respect, or compassion to make them feel good.  One of the things I hate most is their lack of appreciation.  Entitlement is their middle name, but we can never give enough to make them happy.  :)o not even try.  

This is BPD.  It is a devastating and cruel mental illness.  I hate it.

[Dee Dee]

Mamamia

Thank you for expressing what I feel at times also is there a way to not feel emotionally physically spiritually and financially drained on every level ? My dd 18 also has mild cerebral palsy so I also feel additional caring/boundary issues she has been ok for most of holidays. But snapped today trying very hard with SET and wise mind. Hope these discussions are helping you in some way Jaynebrain I am so exhausted from the chaos and unappreciation.

[bubby827]

I think all of us feel that way from time to time.  I feel guilty avoiding my 17d.  I try to help her when she needs it and I have tried to be her support.  Even today one min she said I am never there for her in one statement then the next statement that the reason she lashes out at me is because she knows I will be there for her. 

so go figure.  trash me because i support her and try to help her when I can yet when I do I get trashed.

[MammaMia]

Dee Dee

Whew... .I am so glad Christmas is over!  It is such a shame that what should be a beautiful and peaceful celebration can be so traumatic. But... .it is what it is.

I can't speak for all pwBPD but can suggest the following based on my dBPDs:

Keep things simple.  When there are too many people around, too many conversations going on, they become frustrated.  PwBPD become emotionally overwhelmed very easily.  This in turn triggers extreme anxiety.  

Do not try to force them to do what they do not want to do.  This too results

in them being triggered.  If they want to be involved, fine.  If not, accept that as

the best thing for them.  They need to have input into routine decisions that affect them.

When they rage, do not take the horrible things they say personally. Sarcastic,  rude, and cruel behavior is part of the disorder.  Bpd affects areas of the brain that control these emotions.  :)o not be overly sensitive.  Learn to insulate your feelings from them.  

When it comes to anger and hostility caused by what others have done to THEM, remember these are THEIR feelings not yours.  As parents, we often absorb the stress pwBPD create in their relationships with others.  We want to "fix" everything.  Because of mood swings, that is really not an option with BPD.  Avoid taking on their stress and feeling guilty about things you cannot change or control.

Do not dwell on the negative things they do.  They don't.  In fact they often act like they never happened.  PwBPD can have a significant amount of mental confusion and distortion in their thought processes.  I often wonder if they are

always able to separate fantasy thoughts from reality.

PwBPD have poor skills in dealing with money.  That is one place boundaries need to be enforced.  Many have trouble prioritizing what is important when it comes to finances. They often rely on family to support them because they cannot hold a job.  This is a heavy burden. If you cannot afford something be honest about it.

Above all, remember pwBPD are emotionally immature and expect the unexpected including temper tantrums, rants, and lots of feeling sorry for themselves because they have been cursed with selfish dysfunctional families and nothing is ever their fault.  

We love them but we have rights too.  Share the burden of caregiving whenever

possible.  Everyone needs a break.  Having a BPD loved-one is hard work.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Winifred]

I'm so sorry you feel as if you're at the end of your tether. Do you have resources for yourself? A good therapist can help immensely, and might even help you and your husband get on the same page. Our daughter loves triangles because they lead to the drama she craves. My husband and I have learned to put up a united front so that our daughter can't split us and get triangle drama going. Perhaps your husband would be willing to join you in therapy. Shouting at you when you're sad is not at all good. My family physician, who has worked with BPD's, says that they are very good at finding the resources they need, such as a ride from a friend. Our daughter has walked out on us from a restaurant, and we have learned to just let her go. A few times we've told her to get out of the car when she became too awful to ride with. The best advice I can give you is to set boundaries and stick to them, no matter what. Ours are no attitudes and say please and thank you. I think boundaries are the only way. Keeping you in my prayers, Winifred

[Gidget]

So sorry Jayne for what you are going thru. Venting I did it for several post but after I did I felt so much of my anxiety anger and sadness diminish. Felt guilty for feeling angry. I started for once to allow myself to feel my own pain. A lot of people also around me thought it also was a discipline problem but I knew it was more didn't know what it was until I came to this board. My husband to felt mad at times when I was sad or crying. I felt alone with a lot people around who didn't understand or see what I saw. They just saw manipulation selfishness and a horrible person who had their fit of rages on me. Love me one minute hate me the next. Hopefully you to will start to feel better. Just beginning to see the bigger picture

Sending Prayers

[jaynebrain]

Thank you to you all for listening, sharing, validating and being unconditional in your responses.  I have reached out via text to my DD20 and have received loving responses.  Nothing for dad, who is really hurting right now.  He is the adult Child of an Alcoholic and much more - he has been a great provider to us as a family, hard working, compassionate, loving but has a quick temper and that is all that DD20 can focus on.  The unfortunate moments that he has lost it.  I told her we admit it - we are human with human emotions and limits but it cannot be processed that way in her brain.  The best validation I had all holiday was from my daughter, aged 25, who is a grad student studying educational Pyc. she has some emotional disregulation also and has struggles with the realization of DD20 having this disorder.  However, she assured me that I am a good and loving mom - she really validated the things I did when they were little and that she has great childhood memories.  we are both very concerned about my husband and she told him he needs to seek help from a therapist.  "You need someone in your corner" she said.  Having DD20 out of the house, even though I am terribly sad and grieve the fact that we cannot even sit around a dinner table as a family, has given us all the opportunity to relax and to recover a little.  Praying that there are better times ahead but not quite knowing where to start.  Thank you all - praying for HOPE for us a... .  

[Bracken]

Hi again Jaynebrain

Really good to hear from you again. It sounds very hopeful to me that your DD is just 20 - has already done some DBT - and has recently responded to you lovingly. Also, it is good to hear that your other D and your H are loving and caring too - even if they have their own issues. (And don`t we all )

Your DD`s withdrawal from family at this time may actually be a sign of self-awareness and maturity. There were many times when my D26 probably should have stayed away from us, too. And though I too am sad, that my  D has quite callously ignored us this Holiday - (out of town visiting her BF and not even a `Merry Christmas`` text msg) - the flipside is that H and I have enjoyed our first peaceful, predictable Christmas season in many years.

Best wishes for the new year 

[peace in steel town]

Jayne brain- sorry to hear what you're going through. As far as for support, that's what this forum is for. Listen to mamma mia, that was very well put and insightful. 

[BioAdoptMom3]

My friend you are certainly not alone!  Exhaustion and sadness on the parts of the parents is normal and common! I second the training on this board.  It is invaluable!  Have you secured a therapist for yourself?  I have gotten to the point where I am planning to do that this Monday!  I think it will be helpful!   

[Mish66]

I really can't get over after joining this forum, the feeling of wow other people are living this life too! My 15 dd causes so much drama and loves to start the drama triangle. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and she has done some damage to our marriage the last few years. My husband is angry and I am sad and depressed. I too take my daughter out to a restaurant and she complains about EVERYTHING, making me wish I had never taken her in first place.  We try and avoid taking her now - its so sad

[jaynebrain]

Friends - please help me understand a couple of things - splitting? She tells me that my husband is messed up and needs a therapis. She tells him the same thing about me! I have been going to the same therapist for 3 years and she helps me tremendously. My husband now says that is because I have manipulated the situation and only told her what I want to tell her.  They now both want to controlmwhomi talk to? Really? So she has created another triangle. Is this what splitting is? She wants me to apologize for my behaviour and I am so angry about that! She leads me by the nose - everything on her terms.  The whole day has been about her ranting and telling us how bad we are. She said she wanted to walkmn front of a car and I did not reposed. To me that is another threat and a way of pushing her agenda. Thoughts?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, jaynebrain &  

I'm really sorry for all the sadness and trauma you are going through with your daughter, and even with your other family members due to her troubles. It's a hard thing to be the parent of a child (even an adult child) with BPD, and it causes us so much heartbreak and stress that feeling depressed and sad over it is perfectly natural. All of us posting on this Parenting a Child with BPD Board know exactly what you are feeling  

You mention in the post above this that you would like to know more about BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting. That link should help you get a better handle on the phenomena of that. What I do think would be helpful for you is reading all the TOOLS and THE LESSONS that you will find listed on the right-hand side of the page here.

Sometimes we do and say things to our BPD loved ones that pushes every one of their buttons, and things escalate to unbearable tension without our even knowing what we did! We don't do or say these things on purpose, and even don't do anything unusual at all--things that wouldn't cause any trouble with "normal" people at all. But, our BPD child's brain works differently than ours, and lots of us have found that once we learn how our child sees and understands things, and then when we apply the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, we can help make things better.

It's true that we have no control over our child (or anyone else for that matter!), but once we change the way we relate to and communicate with our BPD loved ones, we stop pushing all of their buttons. And then they change the way they react to us! And magically, things start to get better... . It's worked for me with every BPD person in my life (my adult son; my other son's wife; my Mother-In-Law), and things are so much better for me and my whole family now. Honest  

Please continue to post your story here, jaynebrain, and ask your questions. And read, read, read all you can, starting with the first link I gave you and then every single link to the right-hand margin of this page. We're here for you to answer every question you have, and to support you in this situation... .

[Being Mindful]

Hi, jaynebrain &  

I'm really sorry for all the sadness and trauma you are going through with your daughter, and even with your other family members due to her troubles. It's a hard thing to be the parent of a child (even an adult child) with BPD, and it causes us so much heartbreak and stress that feeling depressed and sad over it is perfectly natural. All of us posting on this Parenting a Child with BPD Board know exactly what you are feeling  

You mention in the post above this that you would like to know more about BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting. That link should help you get a better handle on the phenomena of that. What I do think would be helpful for you is reading all the TOOLS and THE LESSONS that you will find listed on the right-hand side of the page here.

Sometimes we do and say things to our BPD loved ones that pushes every one of their buttons, and things escalate to unbearable tension without our even knowing what we did! We don't do or say these things on purpose, and even don't do anything unusual at all--things that wouldn't cause any trouble with "normal" people at all. But, our BPD child's brain works differently than ours, and lots of us have found that once we learn how our child sees and understands things, and then when we apply the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, we can help make things better.

It's true that we have no control over our child (or anyone else for that matter!), but once we change the way we relate to and communicate with our BPD loved ones, we stop pushing all of their buttons. And then they change the way they react to us! And magically, things start to get better... . It's worked for me with every BPD person in my life (my adult son; my other son's wife; my Mother-In-Law), and things are so much better for me and my whole family now. Honest 

Please continue to post your story here, jaynebrain, and ask your questions. And read, read, read all you can, starting with the first link I gave you and then every single link to the right-hand margin of this page. We're here for you to answer every question you have, and to support you in this situation... .

I highlighted the text above in red because this is exactly my experience too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jaynebrain]

 

Thank you so much again for validating our pain and struggles.  I understand what you mean about educating ourselves.  My husband and I actually attended a 10 week course in DBT/Mindfulness with our daughter's therapist.  However, so many concepts are counter intuitive to us and our poor tired brains did not absorb as much as we perhaps should have.  The course was done so quickly and non of the other parents had kiddos with BPD (mostly eating disorder, not minimizing that at all - but it is different) until the very last week when a dad joined the group. He walked in and introduced himself and stated that his daughter had been to many facilities and had BPD - she was doing so well now, but he had divorced her mother of 15 years and that had been a terrible experience and that the mom was responsible for so many things and he was a victim. It scared me to death. I will for sure go through the tools and have already read so many things that are helpful. 

Thank you for encouraging me and for letting me know that there is hope.

[jaynebrain]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share something positive.  My DD's therapist recommended that my husband and I meet with another therapist in the practice who is familiar with DD s case and with DBT therapy.  we met this morning and talked about our limits, our fears and emotions and were completely validated.  (First time by a professional - usually I have felt blame and guilt as they represent our DD and goodness knows what has been said!)  We have set up a phone coaching session plan and possible more meetings going forward.  Finally someone who will help us but the tools and skills into place.  Such a praise!  Learning every day!

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, that's wonderful, jaynebrain!

Having access to good, compassionate professional help is so validating and comforting. Not to mention helpful!

Light at the end of the tunnel... . It's great that there are more sessions possible for you guys. I'm sure you will have lots of questions to get answered, and help during real time can't be beat.

Congratulations! 

[Gidget]

That is so great news I hope all goes well with the new counselor!

[qcarolr]

Haynebrain - I am so glad that you guys have found some good support. It makes a huge difference in our ability to do the hard things as parents that need to be done. I agree with Rapt Reader, validation and comfort are essential right at the beginning. There is distress that needs to be quieted as parents before we can process all the tools and skills to be practiced in our lives.

qcr