pwBPD & suicide

[lena7]

Hey there. Today it wasn't easy. I spent the past 9 hours confined in a room with my hBPD, while he was having one of his "BPD moments" -and no, I can't leave the room... .he'd just follow me around or thing would turn south very quickly if he feels ignored.

So anyway, during our conversation today, he basically told me that "if I leave him, what's the point of living?" He can't go through that again. He's been married before and went through an ugly divorce.

He didn't directly tell me that if I left him he would commit suicide, but he has a history of attempts when he was younger, but according to his doctor, it was more a call for attention.

Is this "suicide threat" common among pwBPD? I'm just concerned. It's not that I'm planning on leaving him, but at times it gets very difficult, like I just want to be as far away from him, but I can't because I fear he'd do something crazy to harm himself.

My in-laws have told me that his psychiatrist mentioned he's not a threat to others or himself, that he wouldn't go that far; but sometimes he gets so psychotic that I don't know what to think. During those moments I feel like he would attempt to commit suicide. He surely cut himself in front of me once.

So basically that's my question, is this "normal" behavior for somebody wBPD?

Another thing he does a lot is throw things across the room to get attention. And I'm not talking just cups and plates, he ruined a computer and other expensive stuff. He has a lot of rage inside him, that's why I'm afraid he'll seriously harm himself.

Hope y'all have a happy holiday given the circumstances that each and everyone of us have to live with on a daily basis. Thank you

[Surnia]

Mhh, Lena, what a Christmas! 

You were 9 hours in the same room, could you at least leave for toilet or to eat something?

About your question about what is normal: Some persons suffering from BPD have suicidal thoughts or are threading with it. Not all.

This workshop could be perhaps helpful: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

My concerns are going more to your side. Dealing with those threats or sitting in the same room for hours are a huge burden. How do you deal with it?

[waverider]

Unfortunately it is. My partner went through excessive cutting because i went out somewhere. trashing stuff out of spite, this was before diagnosis. After accepting diagnosis she would take overdoses and call an ambulance on regular occasions to try and force help, then reject it when given. Been at least 20 ambulance attendances in last 12 months, plus other trips.

Constantly saying she wishes she was dead.

The more I stopped being held to ransom the less they were directed at controlling me, and it is now her business and as such less drama and damage accompanies it. Now she can announce she has taken pills and called an ambulance and it is almost like she has just announced she is heading off to the movies with friends. My response is the same. She will have to find her own way home as I'm not getting up in the middle of the night to pick her up.

I am sure there are many here who can chime in with similar tales to reassure you that life goes on.

Ultimately this is his stuff not yours.

[lena7]

Wow, I see we all have different stories. I feel for you Waverider. My H is paranoid of the cops or being 51/50, so he'll stay away from calling ambulances or putting himself in that situation.

Surnia, how do I deal with it? I don't, I can't. It's 4am here and I can't sleep. This is the time when I'm free, when he's not around. I can't go to therapy because if I bring it up, since he's not doing therapy he'll say that I'm trying to be the focus of attention. He's the one who suffers and I get therapy? That's the way he sees it. I brought it up a couple of times and he thinks I use the therapy idea in order to provoke him, to make him feel guilt.

To be honest, I don't know how much I can't take. Unfortunately, I am not independent financially speaking, so having an escape plan is very difficult. I don't have family or friends here in the US. I'm trying to get to the point where I'm financially independent, but he makes it very difficult for me to succeed at that. I feel like I'm a hostage. And it's funny how he says he feels trapped as well.

It makes me really nervous to think about the future because I know that all this will come to an end somehow. I try everyday to do something that'll allow me to have some sort of stability and that will bring me closer to being independent, because if I don't do anything, nobody will do it for me and I have no support other than this forum.

So thank you for being there!

[Surnia]

What kind of things are you allowed  you do? How about him working?

I am asking this to find little gaps - if there is at least some free space. Honestly I would feel like in prison or as a hostage too. 

[Seneca]

mine has threatened suicide in the "not gonna follow through i'm just manipulating you" kind of way. but i do get the sense, like you, that when the crazy train stops, it's ain't gonna roll into the station, it's going to crash. big time. mass casualties. something big is going to end this relationship, that's for sure.

for you, i would keep trying to find ways to gain independence and better yourself to best prepare for the inevitable. and do some reading and learning on this site so you can learn to deal with him and minimize the fallout from his episodes.

[maxsterling]

Mine has attempted suicide twice that I know of, both times long before I met her.  And she has been a cutter, and ODed on drugs before.

On several occasions since she has been with me she has said she would kill herself if I left her.  And that was pure manipulation.

And once she tried to open the car door as I was driving.  I've seen her hit herself, and pull the skin from her arm.   She has told me at times to get rid of extra medication or make sure all knives were out of sight, for fear she would be tempted.

And then there was the two months she was really stressed out by her job, and remarked at lest once a day about killing herself.  It emotionally exhausted me as I constantly worried about coming home to find she had slit her wrists.

She's down to only talking about killing herself about 1-2 times a week now, but still almost daily with the self-loathing comments (I'm so fat/I hate myself/I'm such a loser).  It breaks my heart to hear this constantly. 

[waverider]

It is difficult. You can't ignore it. But you do have to keep yourself isolated from it to a degree. You need to still have a life and not be held hostage to it. You need to be a stable example otherwise you just "normalize" it as ok behavior.

Life must go on, you can't be kept hostage to it. Neither can you be the sole therapist.

You may feel like there is nowhere for it to go but a big implosion. But that is not always the case.