They must fear instability right? Scared of stability?

[Depression = 72% of members]

perfidy,

Maybe at this point in time it's hard for you to believe or understand this but it's something that took me a while to understand. Truly understand. I can receite the millions of behaviors and DSM for BPD but it's nothing if you don't understand.

Our partners are disordered. It's hard to understand this because they physically do not show it. A good friend of mine had a father who succumbed to dementia. He became violent towards his family, it hurt my friend but at the end of the day, behind all the f**k you! and other profanities, he knew he had a mental illness. He didn't take it to the heart. It's just hard to connect our BPD to mental illness because they also function normally and have their moments of normalcy. But in reality, they are mentally disordered and it's a shame. You don't need much proof just read each story on here, their behaviors are so alike that it's creepy. If a doctor were to diagnose dementia in 10 patients, the symptoms and stories would all be similar as well.

You're worth a great deal. I know it hurts. This was my first encounter with a pwBPD and it only lasted 7 months but it affected me greatly I was young and so clueless to any illness. I blame myself for being too compassionate. But at the end of the day, I'm a good human. We all are on here because we want to be better humans. We deserve so much better and that part is up to us. We already know what to avoid or spot when dating someone new. You are worth caring about and one day you will have the opportunity to find someone whom you can love and it will be returned. We all fell for a person (for whatever reason) who is mentally disordered, who doesn't know how to love, and expected them to recpriocate healthy love back. What matters now is to love yourself, value yourself as a human. Learn, and move on from this.

[Iamdizzy]

perfidy,

Maybe at this point in time it's hard for you to believe or understand this but it's something that took me a while to understand. Truly understand. I can receite the millions of behaviors and DSM for BPD but it's nothing if you don't understand.

Our partners are disordered. It's hard to understand this because they physically do not show it. A good friend of mine had a father who succumbed to dementia. He became violent towards his family, it hurt my friend but at the end of the day, behind all the f**k you! and other profanities, he knew he had a mental illness. He didn't take it to the heart. It's just hard to connect our BPD to mental illness because they also function normally and have their moments of normalcy. But in reality, they are mentally disordered and it's a shame. You don't need much proof just read each story on here, their behaviors are so alike that it's creepy. If a doctor were to diagnose dementia in 10 patients, the symptoms and stories would all be similar as well.

You're worth a great deal. I know it hurts. This was my first encounter with a pwBPD and it only lasted 7 months but it affected me greatly I was young and so clueless to any illness. I blame myself for being too compassionate. But at the end of the day, I'm a good human. We all are on here because we want to be better humans. We deserve so much better and that part is up to us. We already know what to avoid or spot when dating someone new. You are worth caring about and one day you will have the opportunity to find someone whom you can love and it will be returned. We all fell for a person (for whatever reason) who is mentally disordered, who doesn't know how to love, and expected them to recpriocate healthy love back. What matters now is to love yourself, value yourself as a human. Learn, and move on from this.

[oblivian2013]

Because I didn't know about BPD at the time, I encouraged the chaos last Valentines Day. She was depressed because she and her ex could not agree on a plan for the kids visitation over February Vacation. She went to bed early and I a few hours later after a nightcap. The next morning she gave me the silent treatment. I asked her why, she still would not talk to me. I said maybe we should talk about divorce which started her SI and two week psych ward and six month plus IOP treatment.

SHe returned home last April, and kept commuting 100 miles a day for IOP. I thought and hoped things were getting better, but apparently she still resented me for bringing up the D word. We were so in love and I really didn't mean it, I thought. After a peaceful two months she announces that she found an apartment, took my car, filed a PFA and divorce.

Sorry I got involved in the first place, 3 years she claims she wasted on me. My T says it is not about me, its about her. 6 months out, still pending. At least my nerves are finally calming down.

[Waifed]

Many of us here are afraid of instability. Yet many of us stayed in very unstable relationships thinking we could fix them. That we could change things by trying to stabalize the other person, not ourselves. This is seen by the pwBPD as controlling (they're right), which triggers more instability. Whoever fears this, how do they react? Do they do more harm or good? Is there more balance after they have acted, or less?

There's some credence to this, although a borderline can have traits of a child, and children not only need discipline and order, they crave it. I played that role well, but the fact that she couldn't show up as an equal was one of the reasons I left. The other one was the part of the instability that manifested as infidelity, unacceptable.

But you're right, humans need a level of certainty, different for everyone. The only certainty and stability I could find at the end were the ones I created for myself by leaving.

Agree 100%. If she hadn't cheated on me I would probably still be with her. Blessing in disguise.

[Findingmysong723]

A borderline is in perpetual mental chaos, in that sufferers feel all emotions intensely, but have learned to keep a lid on it to function in the world. A sense of calm in their surroundings just lets the emotions run amok in their heads, so they do something to create some chaos to soothe, to feel better. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism; make things on the outside chaotic to deal with things on the inside. There are obviously better ways, like meditation, but that would take a strong commitment to healing, it's a tough road for a sufferer, plus the chaos has the benefit of keeping you on edge and trashing your self esteem, to control you so you won't leave. As counterintuitive as that is, such is the life of someone with a serious mental illness.

I just had a memory about my Ex, we were hanging out at his apartment after we had been broken up for a little bit.  I remember having all these emotions inside, the breakup being so hard for me and how hard it was for me to be hanging out as "friends." I texted him how hard the breakup was for me and I wondered if there was anything going on inside him? My Ex wrote back "I'm too emotional!" There were other times when we would hang out as "friends" and he would get easily frustrated or his anxiety was bad, so there were other signs that he was having a hard time being around me. However, the day I asked I felt alone in feeling bad, and I needed to know what he was feeling. I also remember telling him I was there for him and I was there for him to talk to. Before I left that night, he got annoyed at me for asking how his therapy went and then apologized after for being short with me and he knew I was just concerned and appreciated that I cared.

I also wonder if having more anxiety around a certain person means? I remember my Ex would say that we had a weird "chemistry" on days that he was feeling anxious around me etc. I admit I have my own social anxiety etc and can be awkward at times, but that's the same stuff he took medication for and has it much worse than me. However, there were many times we would have great chemistry, going out to dinner, taking fun day trips together, making dinner together, hanging out with the cats (aka that kids), but I guess he would forget about those times.

Yea, even after we had broken up (the 2nd and last time) for a few days he asked me out to dinner to hang out since we have such a good time together.  

[Devin6]

I remember one time my ex was deliberately trying to get into a fight with me. She was just going out of her way to send me into some irrational anger spiral. I of course didn't get it and, being such a nice compassionate guy, and/or a push over with low self esteem, I didn't bite and tried to empathize with her or find a non confrontational way to end the conflict.

Oh, well see she told me she was trying to start a fight. She wanted conflict. She wanted me to treat her badly and make her feel degraded and bad about herself. She was used to being in relationships with people who'd intentionally degrade her as part of their S&M games. It made her feel good to be treated that badly. In an odd way it was like I guess she could have someone treat her exactly the way she felt like she was, like this disgusting horrible awful waste of human life, or something, and in that she found intimacy. She nearly broke up with me, because I wouldn't degrade her at the drop of a hat.

This all happened before I understood what BPD was or that she had it. I later tried to indulge her alittle, you know, she's trying to fight me so why not fight back. Turns out that was her just being dysregulated, and it wasn't a game, that almost lead to a break up too. XD

From our perspective they are the "sole contributor" of the chaos.  But from their perspective, we are the ones who are going to abandon and/or betray them.  Because they have not yet come to terms with their earliest trauma -- in fact, they may have suppressed it deep into their psyche and are in full denial of this pain.  So they choose to blame us for their pain.

My 2 bits,

Schwing

I also remember how when she told me she'd transferred her feelings to my friend suddenly because I abandoned her by not talking to her for a day that she felt like scum. She acknowledged that it was a horrible wrong thing to do. She kept saying that she was sorry. Oh, but its all my fault. In the end, all the apologies, all the "I'm scum" nonsense is meaningless. It still not them, its you.

I clouded myself with questions of whether maybe if things hadn't been that way, maybe if she'd been hurt but not replaced me, maybe we could have moved forward and had better intimacy acknowledging what her disorder did. NOPE! Stupid thinking on my part. I bounce from missing her to having moments of clarity where I see that her genuine professions of this or that are still just a fragile veneer that her true disorder underneath will drive her to create then shatter in a moment.

In the end I have to keep returning to the thought that its a complex coping mechanism. I have to depersonalize it, and thats comfort, but its cold comfort because it leaves you with very little for yourself. Hang tough I guess.

[love4meNOTu]

There was a time when my xhwBPD was taking percocet for intense shoulder pain. (We were never able to find out the cause of said shoulder pain, but I believe it may be somatic).

While taking percocet, my xhwBPD would talk incessantly. About a myriad of things, but most were questions to me like...

Did you see what that character on tv did? Don't you think that's emotional cheating?

I think that you loved your xbf more than me because he was more your type than I am?

How many years ago did you see xbf again? When did he come out here to see you again?

Do you think your sons will make fun of me for using this cane? Tell them not to.



This is just a small sample... but does it give you a little bit of a view into the inside of their heads? I thought it was the percocet causing his mind to run in obsessive circles, but it wasn't, it was the BPD.

The percocet just opened the door that he had so carefully closed. I peeked in, and didn't like the view. He fears everything.

L

[nolisan]

When I asked my T WHY was she so mean to me (ie was she a sadist) she said: No probably not. By controling me she relieved her own feeling that her life was out of control. Wise words I believe.

[Perfidy]

When I asked my T WHY was she so mean to me (ie was she a sadist) she said: No probably not. By controling me she relieved her own feeling that her life was out of control. Wise words I believe.

I used to tell her these words... .

" you can't even control yourself so don't try to control me."

It doesn't get much closer to home that that