Feel so worn down

[RedRose15]

Since my BPDbf moved in with me recently, things have been really strained.  I can't really ask him to leave for financial reasons, so I've tried to go with the flow as best I can. 

He is probably one of the laziest men I have ever met.  He does the barest minimum that he needs too do, to survive.  So most days, he lazes in bed and when he does get up it's for food or to watch a movie or ten... .if I suggest doing something fun as a couple, he says he has no money and he just wants me to lie down with him on the bed, for hours! 

Then usually when I get home after working 8 hours, he is still on the couch watching movies and eating.  It has been really hard for me not to say something to him, because I know it's his choice to be lazy, it's just something I don't like seeing and I feel like I'm losing so much respect for him.  It's also shown me how little effort he has ever put into our relationship.  Much the same, the barest minimum.  I could count on one hand how many times he has taken me out somewhere that he has planned in the last two years.  Our relationship has been built on a fantasy, he has always promised me so many things, and in reality, not one of them has happened.  It's like if he thinks it, and verbalises it, then that should be good enough.

Living together has really made me start to re-evaluate our relationship and I keep seeing all the cracks, which makes me feel bad.

But the latest is about a week ago when I got home from work, he had moved his bigscreen tv from his old place and it was sitting on the kitchen table.  I asked him what he planned to do with it, did he want to store it in the garage?  He said, no it's going in our bedroom.  I know I handled it all wrong, but I was tired and so annoyed and I didn't want it in the bedroom.  He would never get out of bed if it was in there, and that is my retreat at times.

So I said, no it's not, I don't like tv's in bedrooms. So he was pretty mad at me, but before he could say too much, I said I was tired and went to bed.

So since that incident, even though we talked about it the next day and seemed to resolve it, he has been angry about so many other things, my head is spinning.  I honestly don't know half the time if it's me or him, or both of us, causing all this tension.

Two days ago, we were meant to go to my Dad's Xmas Lunch.  About an hour before we left, I could tell he was angry at me, but I didn't know why.  Then not long before we were due to leave, he got up and said "kiss me", so I did and then he started to walk out.  I asked where he was going and he said something has come up with work (I know that's not true).  I asked what time will you be back and he said, I don't know,you go about and do your stuff for the day.

He didn't come home at all that night, or the next.  He didn't call me or text me to even let me know.

He did this a short while back, when he got mad at me for something I didn't know I'd done, and I was so upset about him not showing any respect or courtesy and we nearly broke up, so I thought he wouldn't do this again as he looked genuinely sorry last time.

Last night I felt so upset when I got home from work and I could see he still wasn't back.  I felt how unfair is this, I am sitting here waiting and not knowing whether he may or may not walk in. I just felt he had all the control.

So I know this is probably the wrong thing, but I sent him a text before I went to bed and just said "when i got home from work tonight I wasnt even surprised u weren't here.  It made me feel sad though to realise that you've done this once again after what happened last time when u did the same thing. Lets have some space to figure this out" 

So tonight is New Years Eve here, and I guess I'll be celebrating alone.  Actually I just remembered, he cancelled out on me last New Years Eve, because he was mad at something I apparently did.

I do love him very much but I'm angry at the moment myself.  I want us to stay together but I feel like I'm starting to crumble and not be strong enough to use the tools.  I feel like I have BPD at the moment!

[RedRose15]

An update!

Since my text message last night, he came home just before, he was very cool, calm and collected.  He walked in, said hi I'm just going to get my stuff.  I said ok.

Then he started to pack all his clothes and belongings up etc.  I went outside so he could do this, because I felt so upset that he didn't even want to talk about it.  But, I was trying my hardest not to beg him to talk about this, which I have done in the past when he has left me.  I have huge abandonment issues.

Then after a little while, he came outside and walked up behind me and kissed me on the back of the head then left.

This is the hardest thing, I feel so abandoned and unloved at the moment, and I know that is one of the reasons I am in this relationship with him, because of my need to feel loved.  So I am fighting my instincts at the moment, I just want to to chase after him and make him show me the love that he said he felt for me.  I want him to prove that his words were true, although his actions tonight showed me otherwise.

[Surnia]

Wow, RedRose15

This is very hard. A big, big 

And yes, actions speaks louder than words.

I think you are ware aware of your one issues as well and fighting the urge to chase after him is 

Keep going like this.

Is there anything that can help you dealing with your abandonment issues?

[janey62]

Hi RedRose,

You're not alone, it all sounds so familiar.  My BPDbf abandons me often as well, and for very little reason.

It struck me that there is also a similarity in his avoiding any kind of event or social gathering.  He will say he's coming and then at the last minute bail out on me.  My son came from Uni to visit me on 20th dec with his gf and my SO was all looking forward to seeing them, but of course he changed his mind at the last minute.

You got it right when you said he had all the control. Control seems like a big thing for BPD sufferers.  It sounds as if he was baiting you by lying around all of the time eating and watching TV and that bringing his big screen round was the next step in a campaign of baiting.  He wanted you to object so that he could roll out this sequence of behaviour.  I feel mine is constantly setting me up and I fall into it every time.

If my bf and I go away for any length of time, camping or to a hotel, it's all wonderful, but on the journey home I know that he is going to find a reason, usually flimsy, and leave for a while.  When he's leaving, I stand around, a bit like you, and watch helplessly.  But then he starts to attack me via SMS, saying horrible things to me and in the meantime my abandonment issues kick in and I'm a gibbering wreck, can't eat or sleep or stop crying and just pace around in agony.  When he comes back I'm just so grateful and relieved that the pain is gone that I forgive him!

I honestly think Red that we have abandonment issues and/or childhood issues and we attract and are attracted to a partner who abandons us and hurts us.  I've had other relationships and not with BPD sufferers either, and they all abandoned me too.  My father left when I was 3 years old and my mother was abusive (probably uBPD).  Is it a coincidence?  I don't know... .What I do know is that the feelings I have when he is abusive and leaves me are so familiar and that I seem to be experiencing this same nightmare over and over... .

I'm probably going to be alone tonight as well so I'm sending you a BIG   9  Hug    

... .and wishing for better things for us all next year!

Be strong.

Jane x

[RedRose15]

Thanks Surnia. 

I'm not very good yet at dealing with my feelings of abandonment, I tend to just feel anxious and a very panicky feeling no matter what I seem to say to myself.  But I am proud of myself for not giving into the urge to chase after him yesterday when he left.

Hi Jane,

Thanks for the hug, I really needed it.  Just hearing your situation, it feels so similar to mine.

What do you do when he is attacking you via SMS, do you respond or ignore him?

Mine doesn't usually attack, he just goes missing or sends me occasional kisses without any words.

Jane I hadn't even realized that he was probably baiting me, but now in hindsight, I think you are right. I even thought the other day, why does he keep doing this when he knows how much I don't like it.  He would look over at me occasionally while I was doing the dishes or something like that from the TV room and he would call out "love you" have he'd have this smug smile on his face and then he would blow me a kiss from the couch and go back to watching his movie. 

You really struck a cord with me when you said "the feelings you have when he is abusive and leaves you are so familiar"... they are so familar for me too.  My father left when I was 8 and my mother is also BPD Queen/Waif was abusive too.  I suffered terrible seperation anxiety as a child and I also pulled my hair out from the anxiety. I'm not sure if that is related to any of this though. I was scared to let my mother out of my sight because I thought she would leave me or she would die as she had threatened to me so many times with her suicide attempts.

I know I keep searching for love and security and I know that comes from the lack of any of that in my childhood. I always longed for love when I was little.  Logically I'm pretty aware of most of my issues, but emotionally I really struggle in my relationships.  I always pick the wrong man.  I do attract, or I am only attracted to disordered/abusive people. This is my 3rd, that I know off, BPD relationship and I was also in a relationship once with a diagnosed Sociopath. I crave peace, security and love but I seem to stay with people who can't give me any of that, but I keep thinking if I show them enough love they will feel the same way about me and truly love me...

Happy New Year  9 Lets hope for us both that 2014 will be a good one and we make good decisions.

Krissy x

[Mara2]

Since this sounds so familiar to me I would like to ask you a personal question.  Do you think you are attracted to these men because you think you can offer them what you so desperately desire? 

I want you do something for yourself.  Take a good look at your first post here and ask, is this how I want to live my life?  Because that is how it will be.  He is unable to return to you what you want to give him.  You deserve much, much better. 

Sometimes the best thing for us is letting go and working on ourselves in the process.  You have a great beginning and I think you will do just fine.  It hurts, but oh, so worth it to get beyond our fears and subconcious thoughts that sabotage us.  And we are all rooting for you!  May this be the best of all New Years for you.   

[RedRose15]

Mara2 thanks for that, yes I do think that's why I am attracted to them, they actually remind me, for some reason, of me. I know I need to work on myself and work somehow towards healing my desperate craving to be loved.

I looked at my first post.  I want to find the strength from within me and too not look back.  I cope fairly well initially with his abandonment of me, especially when I'm feeling angry at his treatment of me, but as soon as that anger passes, I start to feel such a deep loss. 

He has done so many bad things to me, that most people would not put up with, but it's like I put them in a box and don't think about them very often.  My friends and family are angry and confused at me each time I go back to him.  They've been so supportive of me, I can see how much they are praying and hoping I don't go back and then I just feel ashamed that I do keep going back and putting up with this. 

I just have such a need to feel that he loves me, that I give in as soon as I hear from him.  It's like the proof I'm craving, when he comes back to me, it makes me want to believe that he really does love me the way I love him.

When I met him, I was just starting to slowly get back on my feet after losing my daughter in a car smash.  I was pretty vulnerable and I felt less than whole myself, so I think that's another reason I've put up with behaviour that I shouldn't have.

[amja77]

These posts certainly make me feel so not alone!

I have severe abandonment issues stemming from my childhood involving my father. He was neglectful, an alcoholic and a drug addict. He died from an overdose when I was 16.

My BPDbf reminds me of my father. I can't seem to get away from him. Idk if it's because he reminds me of my father and by trying to prove my love to him and "save" him will, in my mind, subconsciously I am "saving" and being loved by my father... . idk.

And I totally understand that feeling you get when they leave, without any semblance of emotion or concern, and you feel overwhelmed... . you want to run after them and make them love you the way you deserve.

It seems like it's just give, give, give without getting anything in return, but when we get some sort of feeling of love from them, it's like heaven. Yet, it's sad that that's what we wait for: those rare, but precious moments, of "love."

And it's killing me. I feel like I'm going crazy whenever I think things are going well, and then, all of a sudden, they change for the worst and just become detached and distant. I just want him to feel the pain that I'm feeling... .

[Mara2]

RedRose, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.  There is no pain like the pain of losing a child and I do understand how vulnerable that makes you.  My best friend lost her daughter 5 years ago and we still cry together every June 5th. 

In my own case I lost my first husband to a drunk driver and was lonely and hurting when I met my BPD husband.  He seemed like he understood my pain and that we were well suited.  After marriage it became all about him and any pain I had was pushed aside as never being as bad as what he was feeling and my place was to make him feel better.  I have done that for 18 years now.  It's not fun. 

Now that we understand our behaviors (well a little, anyway!) it is up to us to act on what we know.  For me, every time I want to give in I remind myself that I am not a victim and this is my choice, what is it going to be?  Will I stay strong and do the right thing or cave?  It takes a lot of talking to yourself and speaking truth to yourself to overcome, but it works. 

Do something good for yourself and then enjoy it!   

[janey62]

Hi Krissy,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your daughter.  I can't imagine how awful that must be. xxx

We do seem to have a lot in common,and I think that it helps to know that we're not alone.

My father left when I was 3 and my mother was depressive, probably BPD and other things.  she threatened and attempted suicide many times throughout my childhood and as the eldest I protected her from herself and my 4 siblings from her, the hero child!  

She finally killed herself when I was 28 after all of us left after a particularly messy Christmas. Punishment!  

I think where we are going wrong, for whatever the reason from our past, is that we think that when they seem to be giving us love it's love,  but it isn't actually love at all... . they are just smoothing the way for the next outburst and need us to make them feel better because they can't stand the bad feelings.  It looks and feels like perfect love, and might be except for two things.  One, it is too perfect and too easy for them to dish out and two, it isn't constant, reliable or stable.

About a year ago when I was still vaguely sensible, I remember accusing him of being incapable of love because anyone who actually love me could not want to hurt me this way.

Also, my friends and family have watched in horror as I persisted in this relationship, ignoring all their please for reason.  I realised yesterday that this may be why I agreed to up and move to a different area with him, because that way I could avoid the well meaning interference from those who cared about me.  I've hidden a lot of the horrible stuff from my son who is 18 and has just left for University.  I think I wanted to be alone with my abusive miserable relationship... .

We think its love because we didn't have a good experience of being loved or cared for as children.  Between our parents we got a lot of abandonment and abuse scattered with moments of affection, which we now crave desperately from our BPD partners, like you said, if only we can love them enough they might drop us some crumbs.

To answer your question Krissy, when he sends me abusive texts I used to read them then write a reply, then I went on to reading them and writing a reply and not sending it, now I just read the first one and then tell him I'm switching off my phone, which I then do.

We deserve better than this and can have better, but it's gonna take a bit of work.  I've had relationships with men who were fairly emotionally healthy but rejected them in favour of a motley bunch of nutters.  Like you, I had one who was schizophrenic and a recovering crack addict.  He was nice enough but very abandoning.  His sense of himself was very fragile and when being with me began to threaten his balance he dropped me with no hesitation.  

The feelings I get when my current bf goes and leaves me are, once the anger has subsided, of physical panic, shaking to my bones, nausea, sweating and racing thoughts.  I cry a lot, pace up and down, can't eat, have terrible dreams and feel about 3 years old!  I'm 51 and I want a decent relationship before its too late... .

You will be ok, I will be ok... . We just have to make a few changes and to do that we need to be away from this situation.  If it looks like a doormat and is on the floor saying, 'I'm a doormat', then people will wipe their feet on it!

Rebuild, regroup and get some help and support in building enough self esteem so that we feel we deserve a better experience... .

Hugs  

Jane xx

[janey62]

and Amja77, so much of what you say is familiar... .   and again, love, the love we so badly crave from them is not really love, it's just that we don't recognise it because we didn't really have it.

I remember when I was about 19 visiting my mother. She and my then stepfather were living abroad and running a bar.  My mother was in a weird mood, as usual, and was picking on me in front of customers.  She came up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders and told me I was a sulky bhit, pushing me backwards so hard that I fell. It was a cool bar full of cool people and I was mortified.  I got up and she immediately came up and hugged me and said she was sorry and she loved me.  I whispered in her ear, 'your'e always sorry', and she turned round and swept every glass on the shelves onto the floor and stormed out!  Later that night she took an overdose, not a fatal one for her, but devastating for me and all of us around her.

You say,

'My BPDbf reminds me of my father. I can't seem to get away from him. Idk if it's because he reminds me of my father and by trying to prove my love to him and "save" him will, in my mind, subconsciously I am "saving" and being loved by my father... . idk.'

I feel as if I've had many relationships with my mother over the years.  I know when it's happening because I feel frightened, lost, sad and wretched, the way I did when I was growing up.  We have to find a way to get away from them, it it's no good for us and we deserve to be loved, we just have to learn how. 

My uBPDbf threatens suicide as a last resort because he knows my mother did it and he sees that I can't not react and come running to save him.  I do know however that no one can save anyone else, but we can save ourselves.

Big hug

Jane xxx

[RedRose15]

amja77 - 

I also see similarities in my BPDbf to my father.  Not the Borderline Traits so much, but my father was very cold, a serial cheater on my mother and uncaring and I craved his love.  He was also an alcoholic, although high functioning.  When he was drunk he was sometimes very loving and would hug and kiss me. He pretty much walked out the front door one day when I was eight and left us with my BPDmother, I was 8. I think she tried to kill herself, but the story we were told back then was she had a nervous breakdown, one of very many more to come with all the suicide threats.   

I started pulling out my hair, eyelashes etc and suffering pretty bad anxiety at that time and then I developed a severe attachment disorder.  I couldn't let my mother out of my sight because I thought she would desert me.  Well, that sure didn't go down well with her, because I was there to look after her.  How could I be the victim, because that's her role, and actually it still is.

Mara2 - Thank you.  You sound like a very special friend to be there for her and feel her pain and cry together.  She is very lucky to have you in her life.  I know the feeling about them making it all about their problems.  Mine complains about trivial stuff ie. his son hasn't texted him for 2 months or something along those lines and this will be on my daughter's anniversary. It hurts how they only feel for themselves.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for your kind words.

Like you, I was the child put on the pedestal for most of my childhood.  My two "evil" sisters , didn't love or care for her enough, only I did.  I was actually the middle child and I was very sensitive.  I would lay on my mothers' bed crying with her and telling her how much I loved her day after day.  Most nights she told me she had nothing to live for, so I was alway anxious and worried she would kill herself.

I'm sorry, I can only imagine how terrible and hard that would have been for you when your mother killed herself.  That really breaks my heart thinking of the pain you must have gone through and still would be.  I know there must of been many feelings of guilt for you, how have you dealt with that?

We sure do crave the affection don't we, the crumbs we get. The moments of what we think are love, even though it's unhealthy, it feel so good. They make us feel that we are loveable and that someone really does love and care for us and how we feel.  But, that's our projection. 

We do deserve better, we really do, I think it's a very good first step in at least acknowledging why we have picked these men and understanding where we are coming from.  I also feel a lot stronger having the support from this group that we belong too.

I have the same feelings with the abandonment, I revert to a little girl who is begging her parent not to leave her.  I'm 49 and I hope I do one day have the courage to believe in myself and find a healthy loving relationship, with a man who really does truely care and love me.

2014 resolution: Let's build our self esteem up and work hard to believe in ourselves to know that we are worthy of a healthy loving relationship

[janey62]

2014 resolution: Let's build our self esteem up and work hard to believe in ourselves to know that we are worthy of a healthy loving relationship

Agreed Red! 

and thank you for your kind words. 

In answer to your question about how I dealt with my feelings of guilt and loss around my mother, I had a lot of therapy and then studied to be a counsellor myself.  That helped me because you spend a lot of time looking at yourself and learning about human behaviour, psychology, theories of counselling, etc.  Helping other people to work this stuff out also helps me... .

I was very fortunate in a way because I never actually believed my mother was right; in fact quite the opposite, I knew her behaviour and treatment of us was wrong and never bought into her cruel words and actions towards us.  It did inevitably affect me though because as a teenager I would have psychotic episodes (tame ones compared with hers) and became Bulimic.

I survived.  I've learned that you can't change the past, only the present, that all I can do is keep working on myself, listening to others and learning from them.   This is a great place to do that!

Jane x

[Tolou]

I just wanted to say after reading your post I think you are all amazingly strong with a lot of strenghts.  It is ironic in ways that we end up finding people who we are familiar with in life and replay certain roles that took place during out childhoods.  Especially when we come from certain environments that were invalidating.  I think the search for a real love or "true" love does begin with loving ones self, knowing your own worth and value and never allowing anyone to take adavantage of that.  Sometimes because we have so many learned behaviors from early on about what love is and isnt we bring these into our realtionships with others.  People can only treat us and get away with what we allow them, or teach them is okay.  Knowing your limits and boundaries are important and setting them and developing them firmly are important in the begining of the realtionships and throughout when people test them.  I also believe that if you spiritual in any sense there are reasons why these people came into our lives and some way or another it is part of a growth that we all went through within our time, some longer than others, and some more difficult "growing pains".  However, if we can learn that much more about ourselves and become conscious of what in our unconscious when attracting or being attracted to these individuals, we become that much stronger.  Because, they were not put here to make us suffer, nor us to make them suffer.  We punish ourselves more than anyone, the true healing begins for me, by looking within myself and in the mirror, and when I stop looking across to figure out what was "wrong" with my ex BPD gf.  Unfortunately, we do not choose our family members, they who they are and we absolutely no control over that.  Still, we do have control over who we allow into our lives and how much we share with them and what lenghts we are willing to go for them.  An adult relationship that is healthy involves two independent people that become interdependent in one another.  When couples begin having problems it is usually because a breakdown in the form of communication.  However, when people are at two different maturity levels, one at the level of adult, the other lets say a child, how rational can this realtionship be? when needed? when yearning, in need of validation whe we say, did they really love us? I myself do not doubt that I was loved, but it just wasn't worth the price that I would have to pay for that love.  We bring our families into our realtionships (both partners) no matter how much we try to deny it, it all seeps in.  I wish all a healthy and happy new year and continued progress in your journeys.  Were here to learn, but how often are we going to make them same mistakes>?

[janey62]

I agree with everything you say Tolou, very wise words.

Its sad that it takes such a lot of time and suffering to realise this stuff, and even longer to put into action.  I have had a lot of therapy in my life and even trained as a therapist, but when someone or something hits my deepest, darkest damaged places then the wounds seem to open up again without my realising its even happened and there I am, reacting in the same old way.

At least now I am able to see it sooner and reverse the process. 

Jane x