Sharing My Journal Entry

[looking4myself]

I feel the urge to share the journal entry I just wrote; I've been battling with the question of do I stay or do I go and taking the time to write down my thoughts gave me some clarity (at least for right now):

Tuesday, December 31, 2013 at 8:18am at my desk

Just a little over two weeks since I wrote my last entry but a year away in thought.

I can’t take this up and down.  Jesus Christ.  I just want to keep moving forward.

I understand that it’s my own fault.  I know what I have to do.  I do get overwhelmed trying to decide where to start but once I get in there, I feel ok about it.  So I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I have to be emotionally strong.  No one put me in this position but me.

I always promised that I wasn’t going to let my relationship with my uBPDh take over every other aspect of my life but that’s exactly what I’ve allowed it to do.

It’s unhealthy.  And, it’s sad for the kids.

I have to make a decision one way or the other and I can’t continue living in this limbo.

Just the other day, I found a website for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which is with what I’ve diagnosed my uBPDh and potentially my mother.

The literature on the site makes reference to projection and that’s exactly what my high-school guidance counselor said my mother was doing.  She said it was text book Freud.  Maybe I should read some Freud books.

The literature on the site also says that I need to set limits with my uBPDh no matter if I decide to stay or leave the relationship because at this point in time we are living together and we do have children.

So I can continue to enable it or I can put a stop to it.  Someone has to be the one who goes first, the literature says.  I always tell my uBPDh that I’m tired of being the one that goes first yet he never gets the clue.

I started to analyze that last comment but deleted the sentence.  The last 15 years feel like a game.  We have three children, a home, a business, a family and we’re still playing these games.

I know that I’m not supposed to accuse him of being mentally ill and use tools and techniques and strategies to deal with him but ugh.  I don’t want to manage him.  But I have to.  Look what happens when I’m not in charge.

So the question is:  Do I want to continue living like this?

The answer of course is no.

But a part of me wants to try again.  I mean, he is the father of my children and they are going to have to deal with him for the rest of their lives, as will I, apart or together so either I put him on the right track for all of our sakes or I leave him to his own devices, which we all know where that will lead.

I think that the clear, level-headed solution is to put him on the right track no matter what happens to our relationship.

I think the first step in setting him on the right track is to present him with a list of my limits.

Every bone in my body is fighting it but I know that it’s what I have to do if I want things to change.  I know what has to be done for things to change and I just have to do it. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi looking4myself,

These decisions are so difficult, I can really understand that you are worn out from not only the situation with your husband, but from the indecision. 

I wonder if breaking this down into tiny, tiny steps would be helpful?  Like tomorrow, maybe you could make that list of boundaries (if you haven't already).  Maybe the next day (or the next week, this is your life and there is no rush) you can commit to one action, just for you, that will contribute to your well-being, like a walk in the fresh air, a hot bath, another journal entry, etc. 

Next, you might read one article about a tool you've wanted to explore, or maybe check out

Staying/Leaving for the kids?

Just one small action – for yourself – regularly... .leads to change.  You might just feel better and stronger, and then the decisions you want to make won't feel so overwhelming. 

I know this is hard, exhausting.  Know that we are here, listening, and rooting for you all the way. 

[looking4myself]

Thank you so much, heartandwhole.

The kids are all up and the responsibilities of work and home are starting to feel a little overwhelming (particularly because I've let everything go into complete and utter disarray these past two years) as my husband snores away on the couch at 11am... .so I am so grateful to you for your reply.  I am feeling completely and utterly worn out from the situation and the indecision. :'(

One step at a time.  One responsibility at a time.  I will read the article.

Today, I wrote in my journal and then took a bath and got dressed.  Tomorrow, I will make a list of boundaries.

Even though it isn't really the right fit, Thursday morning, I will attend my second Al-Anon mtg.  I need to heal myself and find strength, security and solace from within.

Thank you so much for listening, supporting and rooting for me; I am so grateful to have found this board. 

I wish you happiness and solace on your journey and well.   9

[Seneca]

oh looking, i so so so feel you on this indecision. you can do this. stay strong.

[looking4myself]

Thank you, thank you, Seneca, for your support!  I feel much better today than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt better than the day before.  Well, maybe better isn't quite the right word, but at least a little less hopeless.

I can see how this indecision is affecting the kids, particularly my oldest right now, and I need to work my hardest to decide one way or the other.  My mind tells me that leaving is what needs to be done--that there is no relationship there, there never was and after 20 years, I can't invest any more of my life into waiting for it to happen.  While, of course, my irrational/emotional side wants to make it work, wants to have a good relationship with the father of my children, that maybe with therapy, we can overcome this. But I don't want to be his caretaker, the mother his mother never was to him.  I want someone who can support me when I need it just as I would for him.

I suppose it's somewhat like an addiction that I have to overcome.