Going down...

[Sophia66]

I received an email from my husband a few minutes before entering the new year. It is full of anger and hatred. The most incredible thing is that he now tags me as a narcissist, in reality he is not only a borderline but a narcissist, which have been concluded by my psychiatrist based on his behavior. He obviously has all the symptoms both a narcissist and a borderline has… Obviously he is doing the research himself, how does't he realize he himself is the one who has the issue as he is very intelligent and highly educated. I have been very careful weighing whether or not I should let me know what my therapist has concluded. Till this moment I have never made any accusations against or sabotage him by any means. On the contrary, he trashed me in every one of his emails when to me I become the worst woman from the best within a minute.

Shall I fell him he might be suffering BPD and should seek professional help?

His emails are now drifting me away from him and I do not know what is going through his mind...

[letmeout]

That is a very accurate replay of exactly what I went through with my ex after I fled our home. He convinced himself that I was, what he was. Everything was projected back to me.

In his mind, everything that he had done in our marriage, everything that he had said was suddenly things that I did or said. I think they do this to try and protect their fragile sense of self.

It won't do any good to explain his BPD and NPD to him. The disorder itself will prevent him from acknowledging it. Sadly, the more logical I tried to be, the crazier my ex reacted. You will stop reading his e-mails for the sake of your own sanity.

Many blessings to you in the New Year!

[Surnia]

Hi Sophia66

I feel with you about the nasty email. This is not what we wish as a New Year message!  :'(

I agree with letmeout about not mention BPD or NPD to him. It would probably backlash directly toward you.

What to do in this situation, you may probably ask.

I think it could be helpful find out what your options are - things that you can do without relying on him seeing a therapist.

[Sophia66]

Thanks! But he did not seem to be too crazy before... He actually becomes a lot angrier after a long silence. Does it have anything to do with my two- day " silence"?

It may have something to do with the fact that I told him I went to see a therapist in order to understand him, myself and the relationship a bit better. Maybe that is when he was convinced that I was the one who truly has issues.

I feel so hurt, damaged by his hateful emails. I would think twice even if he decides to come back to me… Is this the husband that I have loved? Is this the life I want to live for the rest of my life…

[Surnia]

Is this the husband that I have loved? Is this the life I want to live for the rest of my life…

I know how this feels, I really do. 

And its a key question - is this the relationship you want, all the insecurity, the missing communication, missing respect.

I think start working with a T is really a good idea. 

As for reasoning about him and what he said: My guess is there is a lot projection from his side. More about it here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

[Sophia66]

Hi, Surnia, thanks for this. Do you think it is a good idea to lay out the facts and prove his accusations are groundless?

One of his business associates called the two days ago about his whereabouts as he did not pick up any calls answer any emails from that source ( this person knows me very well). They need to know where the return of the investment should be deposited. Given how much I know him and how upset I was, initially I decided not to inform him, but after a long deliberation, I did in the end by sending him a brief email asking him to contact this person. Now I got caught again. In his email, he said" Who do you think you were when you took it upon yourself to discuss with Peter how I should distribute my money?. For heaven's sake, I never ever did. He put me right into the defensive mode…

It is so incredible to see how my good will get twisted in such an unbelievable way.

To me, he does have to do this if he truly wants a divorce. We can just sit down and talk about the settlement….

Is it an idea to write to him and ask to stop all the name callings and personal attacks? The reason is that I never have blamed him in any of my emails, otherwise he would have been even worse…

[Sophia66]

I sometimes would jokingly quote what my mom's famous lines, this time he used this to accuse me that was what I had always believed in… He once again made allegations that he had never felt the love in the marriage and he had been respected  as a husband… 

Why doesn't he file the divorce himself since he hates me so much now? It has been a month plus a week since he left the hotel room at the end of our holiday, hasn't his mind been set back?  Because it was usually a few days - two weeks, the longest before, is his mind ever going to be set back?

[Surnia]

I think you are very much focused on normal behavior, working things out. For what ever reasons he is not available to this. Many partners here are struggling with this - trying to make a reason, to understand. To understand to make things better or different.

About the fact he is not filing for divorce himself: I have no explanation. I went through similar things with my exH. He was the one speaking about divorce and did nothing. Blamed me, was jealous, mean, did nothing together anymore. At the end I filed for divorce. I don't have really an explanation.

And I am glad, I found the courage to do what is the best for me. 

[letmeout]

I can explain it (at least through my own experience). He has to have everyone else think he is the good guy when he knows that he is not. He wants to make you look like the bad guy, and he will stick to his guns about it. Forever.

Their twisted thinking and behavior is really incredible to witness. I always wondered if mine would ever snap out of it, yet 2 yrs later he hasn't snapped out of it at all. My therapist said he will be this way to the end of his days. Some personality disorders really suck.

I can't stress no contact enough, so you don't put yourself through hell.

[Sophia66]

Thanks! To any outsiders, he is the perfect man, intelligent and successful, but he can be the most evil person you can ever possibly imagine when he misinterpret or twist what I have said or done especially after a couple of glass of wine. I am now so convinced alcohol can easily trigger the symptom  and make him a completely different person at a heartbeat. So many times he went into a rage, swearing, name callings and becoming violent, from the most caring husband to a complete devil…

It has been more than a month since he left me this time. What kind of husband will do this to a wife? He never calls and sent a couple of angry emails with the most absurd accusations against me.  He has done this to me over 10 times over the last 6 years… but he did come back in the end seemly trying to amend the relationship after a few days or two weeks.

What he has done to me and to this marriage have made feel he does not take the responsibility seriously, we all share the responsibility in the marriage, but he does not seem to care, bills, the house, the garden… everything... these seem to have nothing to do with him once he leaves the house…. But he can be a husband who seems to care about everything about the house and us when he is NORMAL.

All these splitting and projections have made it very difficult to me to contemplate.

How I wish I would know what is going through is mind! Right now he hates so much, why? i am the only person who has actually loved him with all my heart.

He does not speak to any of his own family members including his son because each everyone of them has their own issues according to him. The only person he has close contact to is his assistant, nobody knows where he is except her. He asked his cousin through his assistant to get a brand new sim card and have it mailed to her before she sent it to wherever he is now because he does not want to disclose his current location or address.

He has never been a social person all together, but he presents himself as a quiet, decent, intelligent gentleman when he is in public or around the friends. Sometimes he would get excited or become a bit extreme after glasses of wine, but he never behaves as badly as he has done it to me at home. Sometimes I am the best woman or wife he can possibly have, one word, one glass of wine can transfer me from the best to the worst, the one he wants to have nothing to do with, not even a word from me…

Why didn't I notice any signs or red flags when we were 3 year dating period? 

To me there is so much anger and hatred underneath him and it can explode at any time.  But he has always says I am the angry one…. and he gets nervous being around me sometimes

I am now asking myself some serious questions how long I can handle this if he ever decides to come back. I am emotionally drained out…

Often I am thinking whether or not I should answer to some of this accusations or whether or not I should make further concessions…. even though I know back in my mind that i should not.

    :'( :'( :'( :'(

[Surnia]

Hi Sophia

The more time goes by, the more I think you need real life support. You told him about a therapist for yourself. I would exactly do this.

Second thing is the legal side. You said it yourself about bills and so on. I would seek out for advice on the legal side. So you can gain some knowledge which things you have to do to prevent a bad outcome on the more material side of your marriage. I am worried a bit about this part.

Btw. we have also a Legal board: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody.

[letmeout]

Go with your gut instinct. I know its hard not to trust our own instincts when it comes to dealing with a loved one with this horrible disorder, but your gut instincts don't lie.

Seriously, get a lawyer and try to protect yourself legally as much as possible.  A disordered spouse can and will rob you of everything you own. They are very vengeful when they become hateful, and it is like dealing with a mad dog. They are capable of things that you can not even fathom.

What is going through his mind is not something you want to know.

[Sophia66]

Thanks very much for all the advice! It is surely a tough road ahead. My BPD husband can be implusive, but he is always very careful with his money, money sometimes is everything to him, he holds the belief that money can get you everything.  I have no idea what he will do next… no emails for the last few days.

Whenever he misinterprets what I say or do, he will explode in a split of second, it does not matter whether or not we were having a good conversation or dinner seconds prior to that, but most of the cases were under the influence of alcohol. Following the rage, he has threatened or attempted to leave or had left home more than 11 times during the last three years, but he always returns on his own will.

He does not take in any criticisms at all, it is always somebody's fault. For example, if the furniture broke when he was trying to move it, it would be the manufacturer's problems, not by mishandling.

He is not very social. He has always led me to believe that i am the only person he wants to dine or drink with in the whole world and he has always trying to convince me not to attend any gatherings of my friends'. That is why I have actually distanced myself from my own friends since we dated and got married. But he is always overly enthusiastic whenever we have parties at our own house, very entertaining, usually a little bit over the top. He is popular among all my friends. Nobody would possible imagine how he behaves privately towards me, verbally or emotionally when he can not control his emotions or feelings.

I am always amazed, shocked how incredibly wrong my words or intentions get convoluted. The more i try to defend myself, the worse or the angrier he ail become. He always tries to tell me or everyone he can see through me even though I do not speak. But actually he does NOT at all.

He occasionally will help me with the housework or help my nephew with the homework or even give advice, but whenever he does it and whatever he does , he will make sure that I notice it. He will get upset if i do not express my gratitude soon enough. Then i will be accused that i have never appreciated for his love, his care or his help… This is one of the accusations he made recently, he had never experienced any appreciation or love in the years of our marriage. Why do i feel it the reality is just opposite? Because I have done so much for our life together, I have never asked for anything in return. i simply see it as my share of the responsibility in the marriage.

He sent me an email that he had contacted the lawyer 4 days after he left the hotel room at the end of the holiday and he sent the same email twice. I was sort convinced he did. Obviously he has not yet from the recent email he sent me a few days ago, because he wants me to file a divorce… WHY?

The website is offering so much help, yet it is still rather difficult to have to go through it and try to think clearly what I want in the marriage…

I love him, but all he did and said seem to drift me away from where I was. I am so deeply hurt. i feel my heart aching when I wake up in the middle of night….

[Surnia]

My idea with contacting a lawyer or a therapist was also that you can do something for yourself. Now you are waiting what he is doing which I think is very difficult to bear.

Mhh, Sophia, are you familiar with co-dependency? Perhaps you can take a look here: Are we co-dependent?.

[dontknow2]

I love him, but all he did and said seem to drift me away from where I was. I am so deeply hurt. i feel my heart aching when I wake up in the middle of night….

Sophia66,

I relate to much of what you are saying. I am sorry you are hurting. Take good care of yourself. 

[letmeout]

I would like to recommend a book for you to read Sophia66 , it really describes your husband in it.

"Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Narcissist Abuse Recovery Workbook" by Zair Ballard.

Besides NPD relationships, it is about recovering from BPD relationships too. A very straightforward book that has worksheets to fill out, I found it to be enlightening and beneficial. 

I think it also had a chapter on how to maintain an NPD relationship and stay sane  (but you have to accept that the NPD spouse will never change their evil ways).

[blueeyedjess]

I can explain it (at least through my own experience). He has to have everyone else think he is the good guy when he knows that he is not. He wants to make you look like the bad guy, and he will stick to his guns about it. Forever.

Their twisted thinking and behavior is really incredible to witness. I always wondered if mine would ever snap out of it, yet 2 yrs later he hasn't snapped out of it at all. My therapist said he will be this way to the end of his days. Some personality disorders really suck.

I can't stress no contact enough, so you don't put yourself through hell.

Since we have a child together NC is going to be very hard. Mine already has the whole office thinking I'm some kind of slut- but in a nice way- he likes to tell them all he'll help me through this difficult time, and that I'm just confused and trying to hurt him because he hurt me. Totally BS. I have done everything I could to help him, to fix him, to sate whatever need it is he might have and nothing has worked, because I know now that it can't work. I get so tired of all of the chaos all the time, but now that we are in some sort of "pattern of calm" I can't stand NOT having the chaos to focus on! It is so difficult right now. I feel like crying because I am void, lost, and scared. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop- and there are always more shoes- but I know I have to stay strong, focus on the good- focus on the kids- and not focus on the what ifs. I am trying- writing in my journal, talking with friends, keeping busy, cleaning like a mad woman.

[letmeout]

I can understand that blueeyedjess, after being use to the drama and trauma it is really hard to adapt to the silence and peace. I promise that you will though, it just takes time. I've read that your brain chemicals get so conditioned to reacting to the excitement of a BPD partner, and it takes time to react to new ways. It explains why  some people get stuck and focused on their BPD ex, and some end up going back to that insanity for relief. Its like an addiction that you slowly recover from.

[Surnia]

Are you okay, Sophia?

[Sophia66]

Thanks everyone for the input!  I have not received any emails from him for since the nasty email on the New Year's Eve. Exactly right that feeling is like waiting for another shoe to drop, anxious, agonizing, hopeless, helpless! I have been asking myself a lot whether or not a co-dependent recently, i am not sure any more to be honest, maybe I am after having him as part of my life for so many years, emotionally it is extremely difficult. Till this moment I still find it very difficult for me to figure out or understand how somebody can just choose to forget the promises he has said to me and the happy moments that we have shared. Obviously in my husband's case, alcohol is always the trigger of his departure, but he comes back a few days later, of course, as if nothing had ever happened even though he wrote me all the ridiculous emails and made the mot absurd accusations. He always came back with presents  and he behaves as normal as you can possibly imagine as if he just left for a short business trips.  I am always the one who finds it hard to piece everything together and to switch back, because what he needs to  see is that I am genuinely happy like he is… How? Deep inside me it is bleeding…

One part of me is telling myself to leave. I have asked myself hundreds of times why I should stay in this relationship and what for. Obviously i feel that I have been both verbally and emotionally abused when he explodes and my personal dignity is constantly voided… I would be better off if I leave the relationship while at the same time his charm, his charisma, his intelligence , the jokes, the great moments we both shared have made the decision impossible to make.

He is a great person when that little 2 year old baby ( the devil) does not surface.

[Sophia66]

My BPD husband claimed in one of his few emails to me that he no longer felt the excitement, the fire or the heat of the love in the marriage any more as he still believes that the feeling of love should be felt like being electrified… Surely to him I am the least romantic person ( UNTRUE, I think he IS)…

I guess a lot of people would agree with me that you do not feel being electrified every day after being together for a few years… and day to day life  would not be as exciting…

I just found it amazing he said this...

[Sophia66]

Another week has passed since I last heard from my husband. The waiting and the unknown is agonizing. I do not know where he is and what he is up to.

I still found it difficult to get over the biggest questions of mine: How is it possible for a husband or a wife to leave that their loved ones that spontaneously while minutes prior to that he was saying he loved me?

It has been more than 40 days since he left the hotel room, is his mind ever going to be switched back?

I :'( :'( :'(

[Surnia]

Sophia

all I can offer you is a big hug, yes, it is agonizing. 

What we have: Spoken words about love and him 40 days away. Its hard, I know, I think action speaks louder than words here.

What is the approach of your T about the situation?

[Sophia66]

Hi, Surnia, my T has not given me any further advice on this yet, all he suggested is to wait and see what's going to happen. He does not recommend me to write more emails to him as that is sometimes seen as aggression. All i can do right now is to let him know I am waiting for his homecoming, which I did on Dec. 22nd before Christmas, nothing from him but two more hateful emails. Right now, to him nothing is good about his wife, he has painted of portrait of mine as black as it can be, which is obviously completely opposite from what he usually sees me.

He has not yet contacted the divorce lawyers as he initially claimed he had. He wanted me to do it… I certainly will not at this stage.

My big questions is why he hates me so much and how ?

I can be anything but he has accused me of.  I surely love him, without the deep love for him, i would have left the relationship long time ago given what he did to me.

Every morning, I wake up with a hope that I will get some news from him…

Even though I know now that he has BPD, yet it makes no easier for me to live my life. it is hard to detach his behavior from a husband, who claims I am the best hundreds of times...

It is just hard to piece all together... .

[letmeout]

Have you looked at "Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Narcissist Abuse Recovery Workbook" by Zair Ballard? You can download it to your Nook if you have one.  It may offer you some relief to understand that a BPD or NPD is not a non. He is off feeding on a new narcissistic supply somewhere. Has he cut you off financially too?

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Letmeout! He does not have any contact with anyone in his life except for the business associates. We have always had separate bank accounts, therefore, he did not do anything in that sense, but obviously i am the one who is paying for all the bills and taking care of the house.  He does NOT seem to care. It still puzzles me who would just walk out the house and " " vanish" as if I had never existed. He obviously does not want to have anything to do with me any more… I knew he would not pick up any phone calls from me, so I did not call.

:'(

[maxen]

sophia i'm really really sorry to read about your situation. all i can say is that you're not alone in this bit:

I still found it difficult to get over the biggest questions of mine: How is it possible for a husband or a wife to leave that their loved ones that spontaneously while minutes prior to that he was saying he loved me?

on june 24th my w sent an email to me at work: "let's rent a power washer and clean the house this weekend." on the morning of june 28th we exchanged the usual funny emails we did every day. that afternoon she came home from work, announced that the marriage wasn't working for her, told me there was someone else, and left. my marriage was over in one hour. three weeks later her lawyer sent me a letter. i also don't know exactly where she's staying.

it's ferociously painful, and i know it. please stay connected to your friends and family, and keep in touch here. it's helped save my sanity!

[Sophia66]

Maxen, thanks for sharing your own story with me.

I just received an email from my husband. The message was rather brief and the tone seems to be less angry compared to all this previous emails. But he did ask me when I was going to file the divorce because he believed that he had given me enough time to consider and get myself psychologically prepared… He asked me to give me a " time table". To me it sounded incredible as I am not the one who left and I am not the one who wants to the  divorce. Why should I take the initial move here to contact the lawyer?

[Surnia]

So there is a light change in his tone. And to me it sounds like he did what he did to make you filing for divorce. So I am wondering about your question too, why he don't initiate it himself.

How do you feel right now, Sophia?

[Sophia66]

hi，Surnia, I have no idea what is going through his mind right now. Within the 1st week of his departure, he sent me an email that he had already contact the divorce lawyer, to which I did not respond, then he sent me the very same email a few days later… I responded with a lot of concessions, then I got the complete silent treatment for more than two weeks. Then on Dec.30th and Dec.31st, he sent me two more hateful emails… with more new absurd accusations.

Now he is asking me to find a lawyer and give him a time table for " divorce". Why should I ? If he wants a divorce, he should talk to me about the settlement before we see the lawyer or just get a lawyer…  I have no idea what is on his mind…

Even if he truly wants a divorce, I have told him that I will respect his decision but we should meet up and discuss about it. He should have the decency to face me instead of writing email to me without coming back…