Going down...

[maxen]

your situation has yet more parallels with mine, sophia. three months after moving out, during which time she was living with her paramour, my w still hadn't filed for divorce, though she had retained a lawyer, and she never suggested mediation. in the end i was too emotionally devastated to leave myself open to her viciousness any longer and i filed and served her, which i think is just what she wanted. passivity is characteristic of pwBPD, and now she can feel like a victim, since i'm rejecting/abandoning her. it's speculation on my part of course but if your husband files he has to take the responsibility and pwBPD strongly resist that.

[Sophia66]

Hi, Maxen, thanks for the input. Even though it has been very painful and the relationship sometimes is very stressful as well, I am not by any means ready to divorce yet, I can be making a mistake here, but to me he can be a husband when his evil side does not emerge. I am certainly not planning to dance to his tone this time, I will wait and see what he is going to do and what is going to unfold… Meanwhile, I am trying to be strong... .

[Sophia66]

Because I did not respond to my BPD husband's request to provide him with a divorce time table, he is now very upset and sent me another email tonight to  threaten me that he was going to announce his divorce plan on twitter and face book and he accused me of a liar. He was convinced that I would not file a divorce until I had found another man in my life… Incredible accusation!

i never thought I was going to divorce him and why should I initiate the process? Why should I have to provide a timetable?

[Sophia66]

How should i respond to him? Do I have to respond at all?

One of the reasons why he got so upset might be because i have not responded to his emails for the last couple of days, as i did not want to keep defending myself in face of those groundless accusations. 

Any advice? Do I respond?

[Surnia]

So there is a light turn in the very difficult situation: He wants something from you - the timetable for the divorce.

I would not respond to nasty emails. Doing so would enforce bad behavior.

I am wondering myself about his demand with a timetable. Is he someone with strong right/wrong thinking? So divorcing somebody is wrong and he tend to avoid it, you should do it so you are wrong?

Or is it in your state legally an advantage being the one who not initiated the divorce?

[Murbay]

Sophia

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and the turmoil it must be causing you. I wish you all the happiness you deserve and hope that things become a little easier for you 

Surnia has given some very sound advice and it does seem suspicious that he is forcing the responsibility on you. My only thought is that it is so he doesn't have to take responsibility and can continue to blame you when his life doesn't go the way he thinks it will. Sadly, that can still happen regardless and right now it just seems to be a power to try and control you.

I remember an argument with my exBPDw a few years ago. She had sent me an e-mail asking me a load of questions and demanding an immediate answer. I was at work at the time so didn't see it until late on. Regardless, because I hadn't answered her within an hour, the following e-mail stated that because I hadn't answered her it meant I didn't care and she had booked an appointment to see her lawyer to file for divorce. Annoyed, I foolishly responded back with that I better book an appointment too and see what options I have available. She was devastated at this and I was blamed for wanting to leave her.

It was another 6 months before one evening she backed me into a corner and because I refused to get into an argument over something trivial she decided then and there that the divorce papers were to be signed the following morning. That time I didn't back down and followed it through. It was used as a stick to beat me with but she was the one who initiated it. A year on and I still get monthly emails about how I don't care about her and how the stress of the divorce affected her and continues to try and blame me for forcing her to do it.

I totally agree with Surnia, don't respond to any nasty e-mails. Focus on what you need to do to get your strength up. The sad part is no matter what you do, he is always going to force you into a position of defending yourself. Remember, pwBPD take no responsibility for their actions because they can't. That means you will always be defending yourself until you decide enough is enough. You deserve far better than that. 

[maxen]

a few observations, sophia:

Because I did not respond to my BPD husband's request to provide him with a divorce time table,

there can't really be a timetable. it just doesn't work that way. all a person can do is take the divorce process step by step and the timetable works itself out.

he is now very upset and sent me another email tonight to  threaten me that he was going to announce his divorce plan on twitter and face book and he accused me of a liar.

sounds to me like he's flailing, like he's really disregulated.

He was convinced that I would not file a divorce until I had found another man in my life… Incredible accusation!

that sounds like projection. he wouldn't file unless there was someone else in his life. if he has BPD, he couldn't stand to be alone. my stbxw actually said that she was "content to stay in the marriage as it was." so why did she run? because someone else opened the door to her.

i never thought I was going to divorce him and why should I initiate the process?

you shouldn't, if you don't want to. again, he wants you to because then the responsibility is on you.

[Sophia66]

Thanks, everyone, for all the input and advice!

I decided to write to him this morning. These are what I have stated in my email: 1,  As a couple, we should show respect to each other ( even though he claimed that i had never showed any respect him and had always belittled him)  2, I believe that we love each other and never have I thought our marriage will be ended up with divorce. I understand he needs the time and space, it is okay with me. I will be waiting for his homecoming 3, if his final decision is made to leave, he should be the one who starts the process instead of me.  But we must sit down to have a face to face discussion about all the things related before we proceed.  4, I have told him that i will respect whatever decision he is going to make as long as we both respect the facts and respect each other.

What do you all think of it?  Any thoughts?

[Sophia66]

because i love him so much, i have invested so much of myself into this relationship, have been trying to do the best I can in the relationship. i have been trying to be as tolerant as I can possibly be hoping he would appreciate it. Sadly it does not seem to work that way. Everything I do or say can be convoluted in an unbelievable way. I used to be so frustrated by all these, now with the help of my therapist I have finally understand why… I am saddened and heart-broken…

He is intelligent  and exceedingly well educated. He can be a great writer. Because his mind is in such an angry state, his emails to me are illogic and sometimes the sentences are broken, full of hatred, frustrations, incredible accusations.  Believe me, these emails make me sick…i would not be surprised if my blood pressure went up… I will put his emails to a special file so that i do not have to see it every time my computer is on…

[Sophia66]

Here are some updates: Since my husband walked out on me about 50 days, he had tried to keep where he is a secret until a few days ago that he posted quite a few photos on the social media where I have access indicating how much he has enjoyed himself. The photos were taken from one of our holiday homes. He posted the photos twice in a row…I have never responded to them.

I would have flown over to him before, but I have been trying to ignore the photos… Is he trying to send a signal or is he trying to find an exit to come out of the mess he created himself? Am I doing the right thing by not responding to these signals?

He had done the similar things before and it was always me who went to him to make the concessions to get him home.

What should I do now? Do what I did before?

[PacifistMom]

He had done the similar things before and it was always me who went to him to make the concessions to get him home.

What should I do now? Do what I did before?

Just want to say I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I am in a similar dilemma (though he is not gone yet) of whether to respond/concede/ignore etc and wouldn't wish this pain on anyone ever. 

[Sophia66]

Thanks for your kind words! It has been a week since he posted the pictures on the social media to disclose where he had been and i have not responded to any of those. Based on the past experiences, it would be the message from him to me that he wanted me to go and get him back home.

After more than a month and half and all the nasty emails, I finally get to know where he has been. Since I am not ready to divorce yet, would it be a smart thing for me to do by not responding at all? Any advice?

[Sophia66]

It has been another 10 days since i heard from my BPD husband. I knew he might be back in town but he never contacted me. I went to see my therapist yesterday trying to get a good understanding of the behavior…

It is nearly two months since he left me and he claimed that he had contacted a divorce lawyer within the week he left, it has turns out he never has. He claimed that he had a purchase an apartment at the place where he claimed he was, it has turned out he had probably never been there, instead he has been somewhere else. Later he demanded me to provide a timetable for the divorce… since it was not me who had wanted to divorce, I surely have not. I wrote him an email to explain the reason…. and still expressed my wish for his homecoming. I have not heard from him since…

it might have been a wrong idea to write to him further, but i did yesterday, no further concessions, all i wanted him to know that I am here waiting for him whatever decision he is going to make. In a sense, I feel so bad for myself… what i have done has made me feel no value and no personal dignity at all. My life and my happiness seem to be controlled by him. My therapist told me that " divorce" might be one of hisstrateges of his to have a complete control of me...

What has been done to me has hurt me so much… but I still find it very difficult to accept the fact….

[Surnia]

Hi Sophia

his behavior is really strange!

I can understand you feel bad for yourself. Its a difficult place to be. And from there is perhaps a start to something else for you. You deserve it better. 

[PacifistMom]

Hi Sofia,

Feeling like we are in similar boats. He has said he is leaving (though he specified, an open-ended separation, not ending for good, which my mom says is very suspicious). And he has put it in my hands to make the separation real (ie kick out my relatives from his condo where they are tenants).

Just wanted to share. I am following your thread as well as my own to pick up on any advice.

Lots and lots of hugs. I am sorry for us and I don't know what to do either. Tomorrow I go for the first time to a DBT/couples/addictions/conflict therapist and hopefully I won't hear from him before then.   

[Sophia66]

Thanks, PacifistMom, for sharing your personal story with me. My therapist asked me a crucial question during the session what I wanted to be in such a marriage for. But to me I find it very difficult to forget all the good time we have shared together. Yes, he has done the same thing to me many times. From being a loving husband to a devil it only takes a split second. Every day I am trying to convince myself that there are not many reasons why I should stay in the marriage and why I deserve this, but it is hard… Everything around me has made me miss him so much… I am now asking my therapist why i am still in such a state as it has been two months since he hailed himself out of the hotel room at the end of the holiday.

Everyday while i wish i would hear from him, I am scared and worried that I might receive another nasty email from him with absurd accusations, which are impossible for me to understand and respond to.

We are both financially independent and we could have had a great life together. Going through such dramas constantly has made me emotionally worn out. I feel like i am waiting for his verdict… whether not he is coming home or whether or not he is serious about the divorce, whether or not he has contacted the lawyers…. The unknown is unbelievably agonizing. I feel he has a complete power over my emotion even though he accused me of doing this to him. I have NEVER… I want nothing but a peaceful life together…

He is a successful individual and nobody can possibly imagine he would do what he has done in his private life…  His relationship with his own family is dysfunctional and his son is suffering from Aspergers. I had been the only person ( the best possible wife, at least used to be ) he talked to… now he is threatening to leave me… The few people he is talking to are his customers.

He has withdrawn himself from the rest of the world for the most of the time. All he had wanted is to be with me, ME ONLY. Now I am kicked out. Before he said he wanted to be a hermit. Is it what he truly wants?

[Sophia66]

One more thing I have to add and would like to get your advice: my therapist has told me that he might behave very differently or might make a 180 degree change in his behavior if I answered to his call for a divorce… will it be all possible? 

I am so emotionally exhausted …  :'(

[Surnia]

Hi Sophia66

 I would be exhausted too. Waiting in such a situation like yours is very hard.

I think the question of your T is a very important one. And its a painful question and it needs probably some time to answer it.

I was there too in my shattered marriage. For me it was the insight that my idea from a relationship is very caretaker oriented. Being there for someone else, with patience and weak boundaries and ignoring my own needs.

Do you do some sports? Walking, exercising? I ask bc in such difficult situations we run easily in a lack of energy and than its much more difficult to come to decisions.

[Sophia66]

It has been about 10 days since my last post. Here are some updates: My BPD husband has sent me sequent of emails demanding me to sell one of our properties, which is in my hometown and where all my own family live. He threatens that he will take extreme measures if I do not follow what he has asked for immediately… on the top of this a lot more name callings in his emails. I absolutely have no idea why this specific property can bother him so much and why this property should be singled out since he is asking for a divorce. Meanwhile, it is impossible for me to sell the property without his signature, which he should be well aware of…

To me it appears to be suffering from another round of tantrum because he is sending me emails on daily basis and I can almost smell the explosive elements by reading them…

I have followed the advice of my therapist not to respond to his senseless emails. Can it be the reason why he is becoming a lot more agitating?  Obviously not writing or responding to him is something I have never done before, I had always been the one who made endless concessions until he came home.

What makes me feel more puzzled is that he kept posting the photos on the twitter of where he is and he seems to want to let his " friends" know that he is having such a great time out somewhere…  Let's not forget he is a private person and he has few friends except my family members.

What sort of the messages does he want to send me by doing all these? In today's email, he told me that I should have never written the world " love" as i am the one who never understands the essence of it…. Living with me is simply nothing but a nightmare as one has to stretch his imagination to describe what a horrible person I am….

[Surnia]

Sophia

Reading through your lines I felt the icy wind of bad memories with my exH. This kind of communication - directly very nasty and blaming and than the indirect part through social medias, I was there too. And exactly the same thing about love. My guess is, his "love" is a very enmeshed idea of love. In his eyes you should think, feel, doing the same like him.

Its so confusing!

I agree with you, you did not what he expected and this is difficult for him. So he gets probably more deregulated. And again, I would not answer the nasty emails. Only normal ones.

Its so hard. 

[letmeout]

My exH did the same, but he would fill up my voice mail with rages of crazy talk that didn't make sense. My T warned me that he would get crazier the closer he got to realizing that I wasn't playing his games anymore. Can you quit reading the e-mails so they don't disturb and confuse you the more you read?

As with my ex's crazy voice mails, I stopped listening to them and had someone else do it. They always reported the same kind of talk over and over, but it spared me from the insanity of having to listen to it and helped me move on.

Its hard to move on otherwise.

[Sophia66]

Thanks, everyone!

Another email today from my husband threatening that he is going to announce our separation/ divorce plan in the Classification on the local newspaper… The reason is that he knows that I am the one who cares about the personal reputation a lot and who does not want to become a topic of others' conversations.

Is he serious? Do I remain oblivious to his emails? What should i do now?

[Surnia]

Sounds like he is really testing you!

Beside the content of a threat - how is the tone of the email? Again very nasty or different?

[Sophia66]

He sounded very angry… the emails were full of name callings…

Maybe it is because i am not doing what I have normally done. I have not responded to any of his nasty emails because I have simply run of the words and i do not know what to say and how to respond any more. My therapist advise me that any replies or concessions can be used as his ammunition against me…

He seems to become more anxious and desperate right now…

Some of our friends have never believed that he ever wants a divorce… all he wants is the attention. But I am now getting so sick of the game and start to feel drifted away emotionally by what he has been doing... .

[Surnia]

Than I would agree with your T and not answer.

Maybe it is because i am not doing what I have normally done.

This is my guess too.

So as hard it may be, I would say keep going like this. 

[letmeout]

I have to agree with Surnia, don't answer or play any of his games.

If he is intent on a smear campaign, you can't stop it. Tell everyone you know what is going on, because you are dealing with an unstable crazy person there. I don't think he is going to flip back to acting decent again.

Plus you are still talking like a victim when now is the time to readjust your attitude and look at the reality of your situation. Find a lawyer who has experience with divorcing BPD spouses.   

It will be a rocky road, take good care of yourself and know that you can survive this!

[Sophia66]

Within the days after he left me, he claimed that he had contacted the law firm and filed a divorce… later it turned out he never did. Now since he is the one who wants a divorce so badly, but why doesn't he get a lawyer and file it himself? Why does he try to get me to do it? We co-own a couple of properties… why does he want me to sell one in my hometown instead of the rest?

There are so many questions that i find it difficult to understand... .

[maryy16]

My guess is that he does not want to take on the responsibility of filing for divorce, so that he can blame YOU and play the victim.  He can tell everyone that it was YOU who filed for divorce, it was YOUR fault, and he can forever blame all his problems on YOU for what you did to him.

Remember that our pwBPD have a very hard time taking responsibility for anything and they are so afraid of making mistakes that do whatever they can to not be the decision maker.  For a long time my H would never decide which restaurant to go to simply because if the service/food was bad, then he could blame ME for picking this "horrible" restaurant... . even though he agreed to go.

As for selling the property in your hometown, I would guess that he thinks that after the divorce you will want to move back to your home town to be close to family, etc. and possibly live in that home.  By forcing you to sell the property now, in his tangled mind, he may believe that he is making life hard for you because, if the property is sold, you will have no place to live if you do decide to move home.

While we will never fully understand their thinking, sometimes understanding their insecurities does help in making sense of this disease.

[letmeout]

He does not want to take on the responsibility so that he can blame YOU and play the victim.  He can tell everyone that it was YOU who filed for divorce, it was YOUR fault, and he can forever blame all his problems on YOU for what you did to him.

By forcing you to sell the property now, in his tangled mind, he may believe that he is making life hard for you because, if the property is sold, you will have no place to live if you do decide to move home.

I agree with what maryy16 said. I think jealousy seems to be at the root of a lot of their behaviors. Just like little children with the 'Life is unfair' mentality if they don't get the biggest bowl of ice cream. My ex really couldn't stand it when he thought that someone was getting more, or being happier than him.

[Sophia66]

I am so emotionally worn out and heartbroken. I received another email from him today telling me that he would even curse me even after his death… He expressed his admirations and gratitude for my siblings and parents. Obviously to him i was  the worst in the family who did deserve anything…

He told me that he had purchased a property and just finished furnishing. He even mentioned what type of furniture he bought, the style of the furnishing, the location… The furnishing seems to fit my personal taste… and he said that over the past few days he had always thought to invite my parents over to enjoy the beautiful weather ( as it is on an island, the weather is much warmer). But he said he felt too bad that we were currently separated and going to divorce…He then said he would always be willing to help my parents or siblings if they needed them as long as I did not get involved…. Ironically it was my family and siblings who had given him all the love and help…

At the end of the email, he mentioned that he felt he was making the right decision even though Valentine's and my birthday were just days away…

Not surprisingly I am not only heartbroken but confused as well… why did he send me this email?

It is rather obvious that the frequency of his emails is getting higher… almost on daily basis…

What is going through his mind? I am traveling right now... I will not be able to see my therapist until next week…