Going down...

[Sophia66]

I am so emotionally worn out and heartbroken. I received another email from him today telling me that he would even curse me even after his death… He expressed his admirations and gratitude for my siblings and parents. Obviously to him i was  the worst in the family who did NOT deserve anything…

He told me that he had purchased a property and just finished furnishing. He even mentioned what type of furniture he bought, the style of the furnishing, the location… The furnishing seems to fit my personal taste… then he said that over the past few days he had always thought to invite my parents over to enjoy the beautiful weather ( as it is on an island, the weather is much warmer). But he said that regrettably we were currently separated and going to divorce…but he would always be willing to help my parents or siblings if they needed them as long as I did not get involved…. Ironically it was my family and siblings who had given him all the love and help…

At the end of the email, he mentioned that he felt he was making the right decision even though Valentine's and my birthday were just days away…

Not surprisingly I am not only heartbroken but confused as well… why did he send me this email?

It is rather obvious that the frequency of his emails is getting higher… almost on daily basis…

What is going through his mind? I am traveling right now... I will not be able to see my therapist until next week…

[maxen]

sophia, this is truly a hell you're being put through. but it sounds as if he is completely disregulated. i doubt you can understand what is going through his mind. he doesn't know how to express whatever it is that is upsetting him, if indeed there is any valid for him to be upset. until you see your T, is there anyone else you can talk to?

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Maxen!

It has been very difficult for me… I have drafted an email to him. All i want is to ask him stop name calling or trashing someone he once loved and remains to be married to. I have never done anything that terrible to deserve the way I am being treated….if divorce is truly something he wants and that it will make him happy, I will respect his decision, but we need to discuss the settlement in a rational way. He needs to have the decency to come home and start from there. I will tell him that I will not respond to any nasty emails from him any more….

Is it a smart thing to do? Obviously he remains dysregulated and illogical. What I am afraid most is to send him to another spiral of disorder…

[Sophia66]

One more day, one more disturbing email from him. He insists me filing the divorce…. more name callings, he even threatens that my life can be in jeapody if I continued remaining oblivious to his emails….

[Surnia]

This is so hard, Sophia. I guess I would even being afraid to open my laptop if I were in your shoes. 

I am referring to the idea of he should discuss it with you. Its such a long time and so many nasty emails - can you imagine to see him in real at home to sort this out? Or would it perhaps better to choose a neutral point?

Can you imagine to be together again with him after all has happened the last weeks and month?

[PacifistMom]

I really don't know what to the thing to do here is Sofia. I hope you get to talk to your T soon!

From my experience with my uBPDh the more desperate he gets the more he seems to say the opposite of what he means ... . like when I left and he felt abandoned and wanted me home he said "I guess what I need to do is leave town and move away now."

The increased frequency of contact leading up to the events he mentioned - your birthday, Valentine's - in my experience with my uBPDh's language means the closer these events get the more afraid he is to be without you on them.

But, I don't know if that's the BPD or some other kind of obsessive behavior ... . I hate that you are going through this and am thinking about you!

Here's something I've been holding on to lately, from Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

― A.A. Milne

Sending lots of hugs and wishing for a better week ahead.

[Sophia66]

Thanks everyone for the input! I saw my T yesterday, but I am not sure how much I feel relieved by the visit.

He has found his behavior the most bazaar. Obviously his behavior is nothing but extremely childish, nothing like what a 60 year old man should behave.

He concludes that he does not feel divorce is something my BPDhd wants at this stage. All he wants is to defeat me and the victory. He might want me to be doormat rather than a wife… Apparently he is still having his tantrum.

Because he is so illogical and dysregulated, it is not a good idea to respond to any of this nasty emails, it would feed him more ammunitions, fortunately I did not.

The last email I received from my husband was on Feb.9th and it has been 4 days since that one. He has been quiet. I am not sure whether it is a good sign or not… My therapist thinks there is a possibility that he can show up at the door, but i do not know.

To me one of the reasons he has become so mad is that I have reacted completely different from what I did before. He might have found the way I reacted is something total unexpected and it is now out of his control. But honestly there is not much I can say right now, I have said what I felt that I needed to let him know, I have done nothing wrong and I do not feel I should defend myself further in face of the nasty allegations… I have decided not to dance with him this time. He must calm himself down and think seriously what he truly wants in the relationship. If he believed  I were truly the person he believes I was, it is just not right for him or for us to stay in the marriage at all, as he will keep doing the things he has done and neither of us would be happy in the relationship.

At this stage, I have decided to wait and see…

But I must stay strong, stay firm... .

[Surnia]

To me one of the reasons he has become so mad is that I have reacted completely different from what I did before.

I completely agree with it. And I think it is great that you are standing your ground and not do the whole unhealthy dance with him.



Stay strong, Sophia. 

[letmeout]

You are doing better Sophia! Stay strong and try not to obsess about what he is up to, I know how hard that can be. Stay busy and concentrate on yourself instead of him. Peace be with you 

[Sophia66]

Thank you, Surnia & Letmeout!

My BPDhd insisted walking 11km to the florist to spend hundreds of dollars on the roses last year to show me his determination of doing this and his strong love for me.

This year one more email on Valentine's Day and more accusations.He alleged that I had compromised nothing ( business, friendship/ social life, my pet's wellbeing, my eternal love for my family) but his love and feeling towards me. He said that I had been trying to make everyone happy in my orbit, but not him…

He said we could have spent the rest of our lives together, but unfortunately he realized that i was not happy in the relationship either(?) and it would have to be ended.

What made me really upset was that he claimed that he had given me too much money for the family expenses than he should have… To me what he said is just incredible as I had insisted numerous times that he did not have to transfer the money to my account at all and that he could take care of the household HIMSELF from time to time. I never have the expectation for his money in the years of our marriage as I am financially independent myself. Yes, he transferred a bit of money to my account for the household expenses and he never did anything afterwards… I have been the one who is taking care of all the bills, the house insurance, car insurances, tax and etc…  He never asks about it and never worries about it… as if it has nothing to do with him at all. There can be piles of mails waiting for me if I am away from home for a few days… with the overdue bills... It hurt me so much that he could make such allegations. 

However, with all the above accusations, his tone seemed to be a lot more softened and he seemed to have chosen the words a lot more carefully in this message.

I have not responded to him and I will not. It is more than 22 days since my last email to him. I will see what he is going to do next... .

[Surnia]

He is trying again to make you answering, mentioning things he knows are not true and are important values for you.

Its very hurtful for you and its a sign of your strength not to jump on it and try to defend yourself. 

[Sophia66]

It has been rather difficult period of time for me. For the last couple of days, I have been thinking of writing to my BPDhd. I have been silent for about 3 weeks during which he wrote a 7 senseless emails. I did not respond to any of them. He seemed to have calmed down a little bit. I am thinking of writing to him to let him know where i stand at this point… 

This is also one of the options my therapist gave me…

Any one has any advice? Is is a good idea? 

[Surnia]

I think you are in a different mind state now than 3 weeks before, its not just reaction of his emails. Its an option in my eyes too.

Big question what do you want write him?

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Surnia! All i want to write is to let him know: 1, I am the one who has been trying hard to save the marriage as much as I am hurt by what he has said to me and what he has done, the reason is that I still miss the good time that we have spent together in the marriage.  2, if divorce is his ultimate decision, i will respect it, but we need a face to face meeting to have all the relating issues discussed and settled. Since he is the one who wants the divorce, he should be the one who files it, not me.

What do you think? Anyone has advice or suggestions?

[Surnia]

I am good with 2 and have a difficulties what you want to say with 1.

Does mean "missing the good times" you have hope to go back to it, which means you want continue the relationship? Or is it more about you are done and you want express that you don't see it completely negative in hindsight?

[Sophia66]

Today it marks three months since my BPDhd walked out on me and yet the pain does not seem to become any less… My heart still aches when I wake up at the middle of the night.

I have received any emails from him since Feb.14th and nothing was heard from him on my birthday three days ago… It still is incredible and overwhelming to me what has happened when my husband organized my birthday celebration solely on this own and it lasted for a week…

With the encouragement of my family, I posted some photos of my birthday celebration on the social media and it was the 1st time since he walked out that i did it. Shockingly he commented on the photos 3 days ago shortly i posted them. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he said the celebration reminded him of Claire Underwood ( from the House of Cards) and he asked me to do what I was supposed to do after the celebration and put a stop on what seemingly a full and beautiful life… I did not exactly understand what he meant… yet it hurt me so much…

No further emails, nor any further accusations from him for nearly 2 weeks so far. Is he calming down? He did put a post on the social media that he had not touched alcohol for nearly three weeks… which he claimed made him think twice " to be or not to be " in terms of drinking…

In addition. I thought I was going to write to him a week or so ago… but in the end I did not… I have not written to him at all for 34 days now...

Will it be helpful for me or for us to end this saga if I keep silence? I had been always the one to start to talk to him to get him back. My guess is that he is waiting for me to break the silence to " convince" him to come back… or get him back.

I do not know what to do… My heart is bleeding…. :'( :'( :'(

[Waddams]

I was just reading through this thread and getting up to date... . wanted to chime in.

Will it be helpful for me or for us to end this saga if I keep silence? I had been always the one to start to talk to him to get him back. My guess is that he is waiting for me to break the silence to " convince" him to come back… or get him back.

I do not know what to do… My heart is bleeding….

Just my humble opinion, but I think you are doing the right then by not contacting him.  He walked out.  It's okay to require him to come back and make the first re-conciliatory contact.  I know it hurts, but you are building yourself into a stronger person right now.  Ultimately, if you want to save your marriage, part of that has to include him respecting you and honoring your boundaries.  He will only do that if he respects you as a strong woman and realizes he can't walk all over you.

So... . for not knowing what to do... . my advice is to focus on you right now.  What else is it you need to do for you?  Or want to do?  And since he apparently watches for updates on facebook (he's looking for signs he's breaking down your resistance), show him what you're up to, but let him see you moving on and building a new, healthy life and show him you are being strong for yourself. 

One of two things will then happen.  In general, people want to be around and with strong other people.  The more healthy and strong you are, the more attractive you'll be.  That's what will bring him back in a manner that will allow true change for the better in your marriage.  Or he'll realize he can't push you around anymore, and never will be able to again, and he'll move on to a new victim. 

Either way, you learn what you need to know in order for you to move on to a better life.  Not saying it's easy.  But I think you'll be better off if you wait, focus on yourself, and let him make the first move toward reconciliation.

[Sophia66]

I really appreciate your input here. As difficult as it has been, I must agree with you… He has stopped sending me nasty emails. The last one sent to me was on Feb.13th. I do not really know what he is up to now. One thing for sure is that he has purchased one new apartment in a resort and seems to be living there as he posted some pictures and the surroundings of where it is. I have never responded to any of these postings.

It has been 3 months and 3 days since he walked out at the end of the holiday… I have   been trying very hard to keep myself busy… focus more on the business, yet there is not a day that goes by I have stopped thinking of what has happened and trying to figure out what went wrong and why it happened…

There is not much more I can do at this point and I am trapped so deeply… The pain does not seem to ease a bit... .

[letmeout]

The pain will ease, Sophia, it just takes time. I remember reading a book about a true story of a woman who's husband basically did the same thing yours did, she later found out that he had been leading a double life and she never had a clue. The moral of the story was that not only did she recover, but went on to love again and found more happiness than she could imagine was ever possible. 

[PacifistMom]

This year one more email on Valentine's Day and more accusations.He alleged that I had compromised nothing ( business, friendship/ social life, my pet's wellbeing, my eternal love for my family) but his love and feeling towards me. He said that I had been trying to make everyone happy in my orbit, but not him…

Every time I visit this forum my stomach flips when I see my uBPDh's words verbatim. Along with money this is his biggest issue - that I do everything for everyone and don't give a rats ___ about him.

How are you now Sofia? Hope you are feeling better. Hugs.

[Sophia66]

Thanks very much for the input! I started to see a BPD specialist in town and trying to get some more understanding of my husband's behavior. However, I did write him another email this Monday letting him know that i have never given up on him or the marriage and told him the reason I had not written anything to him over the last month and half was because I wanted to give him more time and space to reflect. I did once again tell him that I would be waiting for his homecoming, no response from him at all….

I know where he is and he does not keep it as a secret from me any more. He is now staying at a hotel where he used to live briefly and where his cousins are. He has never mentioned a word about the issue we are having and to his cousins this is only one of the business trips…

It has been more than 3 months and it does not seem to get any easier. It seems that he has calmed down since there are no more no accusations, or simply  he has run out of the accusations… I have no idea... . :'(

   

[In_n_Out]

I haven't read all 5 pages of this thread and this may of been mentioned already but all of the "you are this... . " and "you feel that... . " and everything that begins with "you" or "you are" is his projecting his feelings/thoughts on to you.  Substitute "I'm" or "I am" with each of his "you" or "you are" and you will gain better insight in to his true thoughts.

Next, identify your goals with him.  It may seem obvious but the first goal should be to get him to stop sending nasty emails to you.  More long term goals would be to get the marriage back on track.  The tools to use to get to those goals are validation of his (dysregulated) emotions.

Identify what emotion(s) it is that he is feeling.  Obviously a lot of it is anger.  Some of it is probably sadness as well.

Validate the emotions that you identify (not the action(s)!)  Validate by asking him if he is angry.  Once he confirms that (which will be obvious but these are baby steps in the process), validate that emotion by letting him know that he does seem very angry to you.  Ask if he can explain to you what has made him so angry.  Anybody might be angry if they felt that (this) was said or done to them.  Let him know that you realize that.  But (here's the kicker), let him know that it makes you (sad, scared) when he is angry like this.  Gauge his emotional level after some time validating that emotion.  Avoid "I feel like" or "I... . ".  Take yourself out of it.  Instead try "seems like you... . " and "how did 'that' make you feel?".

Now, see if you can help him come to a better solution.  :)on't offer advice.  Just propose alternative ways that he can better express his emotion and let the decision lay with him.  Example "maybe I could talk to your ex for you and find out what the visitation days are.  :)o you think that would be a good idea or would you feel more comfortable doing that yourself?".  

These are guidelines from the book "When Hope is Not Enough".  I've been praising that book for a few days since I finished reading it and applying what was suggested in it with my dBPDgf.  

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190

P.S. It would be better to do this in person (only if you feel safe around him!) than via email so that you can get a true gauge of how he is responding.  If visiting him is out of the question, do it over the phone.  Engaging in email back and forth will not suffice here as you will not be able to sense if he is returning to "baseline" or not.

[Surnia]

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