Don't know what to do?

[Parents! Get help here!]

So Happy New Year to all and a more peaceful one for all. Question don't know what to do. Since my daughter came in my home for the first time on the day she picked the kids up for my xmas visit that was progress. I asked her to. She came back in when she picked them up. Progress we talked some small talk and she left. The kids called xmas morning and I again spoke to her. When I said well ok we will talk soon I heard a disappointment in her voice like she wanted to speak. She has poked me a couple of times and after midnight last nite. We are not friends on facebook since our last falling out. The kids again called this morning and I asked them to put their mom on. I wished her a Happy New year. I tried to keep up the small talk and she seemed eager. I finally said well will talk soon. Again I heard the disappointment I THINK.

I am trying to give her space to come to me when she is ready I reached out but I am afraid to keep doing it if she is not ready. I also don't want her to think I don't care but I am also afraid of being rejected. I know we are not supposed to take what they say personally but she said some horrible things to me. I almost don't know if this is what she really wants or not to reconnect. I believe she does but I am fearful. What do you guys think.

Should I wait for her to be more assertive or do I take the next step. I told her I wanted some pics. She could have said come over and get them yet when I was ready to hang up I heard her disappointment

Is this part of this disorder. This is the first time we have never just let go of what happened and not made up. This was mainly because I took a stance on the abuse

Gidget

[Gidget]

So Happy New Year to all and a more peaceful one for all. Question don't know what to do. Since my daughter came in my home for the first time on the day she picked the kids up for my xmas visit that was progress. I asked her to. She came back in when she picked them up. Progress we talked some small talk and she left. The kids called xmas morning and I again spoke to her. When I said well ok we will talk soon I heard a disappointment in her voice like she wanted to speak. She has poked me a couple of times and after midnight last nite. We are not friends on facebook since our last falling out. The kids again called this morning and I asked them to put their mom on. I wished her a Happy New year. I tried to keep up the small talk and she seemed eager. I finally said well will talk soon. Again I heard the disappointment I THINK.

I am trying to give her space to come to me when she is ready I reached out but I am afraid to keep doing it if she is not ready. I also don't want her to think I don't care but I am also afraid of being rejected. I know we are not supposed to take what they say personally but she said some horrible things to me. I almost don't know if this is what she really wants or not to reconnect. I believe she does but I am fearful. What do you guys think.

Should I wait for her to be more assertive or do I take the next step. I told her I wanted some pics. She could have said come over and get them yet when I was ready to hang up I heard her disappointment

Is this part of this disorder. This is the first time we have never just let go of what happened and not made up. This was mainly because I took a stance on the abuse

Gidget

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Happy New Year I put this same question on TLC post. I am reposting. Since dropping off the kids for the first time and coming into my house before xmas day which I reached out and asked her to. She came in she seemed happy I did she stayed awhile and we had some small talk she came back in when picking the kids up.

Christmas morning the kids called and we again spoke very nicely when I was ready to hang up I heard a disappointment in her voice didn't know if I should reach out or not. She has recently sent me a few pokes on facebook which we are not on each others pages since our big blow out.

She again poked me after Midnight and had the kids call this morning. I asked to speak to her and wish her a Happy New Year and made some small talk. Again I said we will talk and I heard the disappointment so I kept up the conversation with her about some pics I want that she has. I thought she might have asked me to come over and get them she didn't so I told her to have a good day and will speak again. I thought I heard a touch of annoyance when I was going to hang up.

I am afraid to reach back out 1. because I want to give her space and have her be ready to do this when she wants to 2. I fear being rejected. I know we are not supposed to take the horrible things to heart they say but sometimes I feel like I believe what she says is true and that is how she feels. I am trying to take this little steps we are making slowly I just don't know if she is taking them as a rejection. That damn it I do and damn if I don't.

Why is it so hard to figure out what she wants

[MammaMia]

Gidget

I think you may be moving too fast for your dd.  She may see your persistence as "more of the same old past behavior" toward her, and that may be causing her to withdraw and sound disappointed.  She may feel that nothing has really changed in your relationship. 

What you see as an opportunity to reconnect may feel like persecution to her.

Give her a chance to absorb what has happened and think about it.

Remember, you are dealing with BPD.  Her moods constantly change. She may be dealing with post-Christmas depression as well.   

Hang in there.

[Gidget]

Thanks Mamamia

do you mean moving to fast towards her to reconnect? I tried to follow her lead since prior to asking her to come in when they drop the kids off was because of the prior week where I felt she had reached out to me at the kids concert offered to wait until I got there. When my son in law started to come in with the kids she had a look of sadness on her face and started to walk away. That is when I reached out and invited her in. She seemed really happy I did and actually stayed for awhile asking and talking about the house. She then seemed to really talk on the phone with me after that and poke me on facebook which she never did. I know in the past she had said to me I made attempts and named them and you didn't take them. I didn't see them as attempts back then I didn't know about this disorder and I thought then we would just talk it out now I know that has to be slow. I didn't want to miss these attempts again she has seemed like she was trying to reconnect.

I don't understand why she would feel like it is persecution I don't understand how in what way do you mean?

I have tried to give her a tremendous amount of space but when I did I was accused of not caring so now I am trying to understand all of this thru the disorder. Don't want to screw it up again

[mom59]

I struggle with the same stuff. My 33y/o BPD dd will pick a fight mainly with her father and then accuse me of taking his side. She will rage and storm out of our house. Won't hear from her for a few weeks or months then she will reconnect like nothing has happened. Then she will again pick a fight with her father and the process with start all over again. She can escalate to a dangerous level even if we remain calm. Has hit and even beaten her father. He will never hit back in defense because it is his daughter but the sorrow and shame he feels can be very overwhelming for him afterwards. The last episode we decided to put a halt to the merry-go-round and told her she can not come here to our home and act like this or disrespect us. If she does we will call the police. I feel awful about the decision but it is for our safety and our own mental health. It has been quiet for two weeks. Her last visit she was real sweet and then wanted to borrow money again and we had said no, that it what caused her to rage. We strongly believe she has an issue with "benzos" and giving her cash only helps to continue her drug abuse. Enacting a strong boundary has kept us safe and she needs this boundary limit too. This illness is so exhausting and confusing. I have made many mistakes with her when this behavior emerged because I did not understand what her problem was. I am now learning because of this website.

[MammaMia]

Gidget

You are eager to continue the progress of reconnection with your daughter, as any parent would be.  Remember, her emotions are extremely heightened and her comfort zone is fragile.

PwBPD often NEED to feel they are in control of relationships.  Be available to her, and respond when she reaches out ... . but remember, what we perceive as a tap may be interpreted by pwBPD as a push.  

Just be careful.

[Gidget]

Thanks MammaMia, I have backed off just feel damn if you do and damn if you don't. Hard I was basically read the riot act for not being there for her attempts I didn't see them back then it was before I understood all of this I do believe the big thing holding my daughter back is that her SF has not jumped and ran to her. I feel she is punishing me for this. He told me to repair the 2 of us first then he will be back. It is hard because he isn't someone who finds it easy to forgive although he did a lot. This time it is different. Although I do believe he is starting to see the bigger picture and did at least come up stairs when she came in the house. He did not welcome her with open arms but that was a big start. I am beginning to realize I was the one who always tried to fix everyone I have finally surrendered my way of thinking. I told my husband that I respect his wishes that he has to deal with his own anger for what has happened. I actually believe to a big point he is right we need to heal ourselves me and dd before he becomes apart of it again. I think since I have stopped trying to force him to understand he has started to slowly understand. I think using the validation techniques have helped him feel less angry. I always tried to get them to understand each other. I think for the first time I am less about my eagerness to fix the problem than it is about understanding and each healing in their own time.  Starting so much more looking into how my own issues have allowed this to evolve and I think I have gotten much more insight into myself that is what I have truly begun to do

[MammaMia]

Gidget

Great insight.  Stay the course and stay strong. 

As we like to say... . it is what it is and you are doing the right thing.  We cannot fix everyone's problems and being stuck in the middle is a form of triangulation.  A very uncomfortable place to be.

Take care.

[Gidget]

True I have lived with the triangulation between them for 21years it felt like hit. The counselor told me to be caught in the middle for all those years is hard. I actually realize for the first time I have allowed myself to feel. I have been numb for so many years to my own pain and trying to fix everyone else's pain. first I cried and cried then I became angry and not so nice to everyone. I called it hypersensitivity to the years of abuse I took. Then I didn't like the anger that is not the kind of person I am. I so so realized I for so long had no boundaries because of it all. I have truly reflected my whole childhood and how it influenced the way I parented I have faced some of my own fears of not feeling very loved growing up and how it played a big role in my own inconsistencies with my daughter. I for the first time am not worried about my daughter my husband but me just me. I think I know that all will just play out. I no longer feel angry although I do get emotional at times I feel more empowered to look within. I think everyone has been right I need to step back take stock and start anew with a much more healthier mental perspective and that has to start with myself. Getting back my own self confidence not feeling guilty anymore for the mistakes I made. That single thing has made me feel freer than I ever have. I am starting to feel happier with me.

[Gidget]

True I have lived with the triangulation between them for 21years it felt like hit. The counselor told me to be caught in the middle for all those years is hard. I actually realize for the first time I have allowed myself to feel. I have been numb for so many years to my own pain and trying to fix everyone else's pain. first I cried and cried then I became angry and not so nice to everyone. I called it hypersensitivity to the years of abuse I took. Then I didn't like the anger that is not the kind of person I am. I so so realized I for so long had no boundaries because of it all. I have truly reflected my whole childhood and how it influenced the way I parented I have faced some of my own fears of not feeling very loved growing up and how it played a big role in my own inconsistencies with my daughter. I for the first time am not worried about my daughter my husband but me just me. I think I know that all will just play out. I no longer feel angry although I do get emotional at times I feel more empowered to look within. I think everyone has been right I need to step back take stock and start anew with a much more healthier mental perspective and that has to start with myself. Getting back my own self confidence not feeling guilty anymore for the mistakes I made. That single thing has made me feel freer than I ever have. I am starting to feel happier with me.

Don't know how that please read showed up clicked it and it said I typed not so nice of a word. I was typing so fast it must have been a typographical error. Sorry can't even remember the word

[qcarolr]

Gidget - be kind to yourself. We slip and express ourselves strongly at times. That is why this filter is here.

Such hard work you are doing in therapy. Be kind to yourself there too. How do you find a little bit of joy and peace in your day to day life? It is there for me when I take the time to become aware of it. Like breathing to my belly as I enjoy a beautiful view on this crisp, white frozen day as the sun peaks out of the clouds. So quiet and clean.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

qcarolr, The last several weeks I have just been crashing and going to bed early. As you can see I am up early the middle of the night fell asleep at 6pm. I actually put down some BPD stuff and started a new book that has nothing to do with it. I mediated for years I am trying to get back since I stopped a while ago. I can't wait for the Spring since I love working outside in the garden. So for now I get up and go to work and just come home.