BPD ex doesn't visit baby

[Kayvee]

Happy New Year everyone. I wondered if anyone else has experienced a BPD ex disinterested in spending time with their child?

I'm separated 4 months now and have a 15 month old baby boy. My ex never really formed a connection with our son and his visits have been inconsistent and brief, usually less than half an hour once a fortnight.

It seems to be getting worse - he has only been twice in 7 weeks.

I'm sure my son doesn't recognise him as his Dad, which is so sad.

I'm torn between being sad my baby doesn't have a Dad and being glad to break the cycle, as Dad hasn't got a lot to offer right now.

Christmas and holidays makes it feel sadder.

Has anyone else had this experience?

I'm in a legal process now trying to get a structured visitation schedule and BPD ex just won't agree to anything proposed, but typically suggests no alternatives.

Even weirder BPD ex tells anyone who will listen how much he misses his son, implying I make access difficult.

[ForeverDad]

Short answer:  Sadly, you can't control (or to a large extent, correct) what ex may claim to others.

If your ex won't agree to a schedule, your alternative is to submit an appropriate one for the court to order or possibly make its own.  Then even if he offers one of his own at the last minute, it's up to the court to decide.

The point is that he's made the choice to have less contact than possible, not you.  If he's a No Show, nothing to do about that.  Don't force him to take his time.  If failure to come for exchanges becomes a frequent problem then you might even need to go to court to ask for order to be modified to require he give you advance confirmation whether he will appear for his parenting time since it's not reasonable for you or your child to always be preparing when nothing happens.

My experience... . This past October I had two days in domestic court and ex's lawyer brought an assistant of some sort.  One time the lawyers and GAL stepped out to a conference room to talk and the judge left while they were absent.  That left me, ex and the assistant in the small hearing room.  The assistant immediately told me, with strong emotional conviction, "Shame on you for not settling this and instead dragging your ex into court."  I replied, "You only know one side of the story" and walked out to wait in the lobby.  It even surprised my lawyer, he also said she shouldn't have spoken to me at all.  (That woman can be described as a Negative Advocate, as described by Bil Eddy, someone convinced by emotional reasoning or posturing and without supporting facts.)

[livednlearned]

What kind of proposal for visitation (and custody) are you putting forth? It's best to get as much legal custody as you can, and then work with your ex within those parameters. Your ex may be very inconsistent no matter what visitation schedule you create, so make it as favorable to you as possible.

I'm sorry he isn't expressing an interest in your son. But your son will get a good start in life if he has a secure attachment to you. It has always hurt me that my son doesn't even recognize what he has lost -- his dad has been so checked out for most of his life. N/BPDx talks a big game, but there is very little to back it up.

Document the inconsistency and the number of times your ex engages in his son's life. It's good to have a record of that in case he realizes that more time with his son might mean less child support for you (if that's a factor in your situation).

[momtara]

I know it's hurtful, but maybe you're lucky, in a way.  Some exes fight for a lot of time, just out of spite.  You are likely a much better caregiver.  Get as much time as you can, and maybe in time his daddy will be more interested.  My exH couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of a child.  After all, why share attention?  Now he wants to see him more.  (He also used to falsely claim I 'withheld' our kids... . a common tactic to ease his conscience about not seeing them much).  My therapist said that it's very hard for BPD people to parent properly because they don't like having to put someone else first.

[Kayvee]

Thanks everyone, great advice.

My proposal was for him to have a minimum of two visits, two hours in length per week. That's what is considered appropriate for the baby. I also need to work around bubs sleeps etc. the time increases as my son gets older ( he is now 15 months old).

BPD ex just keeps saying the days and times dont work for him, but proposes nothing else. The days and times in the proposal are in line with what his availability has been when were together and since the break up.

It honestly feels like he is fighting for the sake of it.

I'm in Australia and before you can go to Court you need to have tried mediation, so I have the ball rolling with that process in tandem with my lawyer. I don't think my ex will turn up to mediation.

He definitely doesnt put the child first. He has chosen to live rent free on his parents couch an hour and a half away. He earns good money but gambles and wastes it all and then complains he has no money and won't help me with costs. He doesn't have a child seat for his car and has made no move to created a life including our son.

He is addicted to video games and his father tells me all he does is pay them after work and all weekend.

He just had two weeks off work but pretended he was not available to see our son, yet tells everyone how much he misses him etc,

I don't know why I care about him lying about me and implying I withhold access. I think its because I've put up with so much from my ex yet still want my son to know who his Dad is and have some sort of father-son relationship.