Contacting your spouses therapist

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

    I personally went to my wife's physician as a "guest patient" and discussed things with her at least a 1/2 dozen times. I explained her temper rages, alcohol abuse etc.  

   I brought to her doctor anything that was "portable" of items that she destroyed such as iphones, tv remote controls, etc. However, ... her doctor could only "take in" information and that is all due to patient confidentiality. I had no idea at this point what the hell was wrong with my wife until later.  

A physician or therapist of your mate is OBLIGATED to see you (at least once personally) or take your information that u provide to them (audio/videos--> on USB memory sticks/social services reports/etc). It is medical-legally an obligation to accept and assess collateral information regarding their patient.

 That physician/therapist/counsellor CANNOT discard that information. They must put it in the patient's chart. It is an ethical/moral thing.  This actually can be quite useful from a legal perspective. When there is a danger to the children from an abusive parent, the medical records CAN be subpoena'd of that abusive parent and can be very useful for assessing custody etc.  

[ogopogodude]

    I personally went to my wife's physician as a "guest patient" and discussed things with her at least a 1/2 dozen times. I explained her temper rages, alcohol abuse etc.  

   I brought to her doctor anything that was "portable" of items that she destroyed such as iphones, tv remote controls, etc. However, ... her doctor could only "take in" information and that is all due to patient confidentiality. I had no idea at this point what the hell was wrong with my wife until later.  

A physician or therapist of your mate is OBLIGATED to see you (at least once personally) or take your information that u provide to them (audio/videos--> on USB memory sticks/social services reports/etc). It is medical-legally an obligation to accept and assess collateral information regarding their patient.

 That physician/therapist/counsellor CANNOT discard that information. They must put it in the patient's chart. It is an ethical/moral thing.  This actually can be quite useful from a legal perspective. When there is a danger to the children from an abusive parent, the medical records CAN be subpoena'd of that abusive parent and can be very useful for assessing custody etc.  

[ogopogodude]

The above blurb (in bold printing) are words right from a psychiatrist that I visited to talk about what BPD is and how to manage having a relative with this affliction.

[ogopogodude]

here is one thought to ponder over whether or not to contact your mate's therapist or doctor: typically a BPD person is a master of illusion. They can convince people of their point of view as factual information. 

   Even a physician can be fooled (at least at first).  In my situation, when my wife was taken down (in handcuffs in a squad car after a domestic dispute) the ER doctor had no idea what was wrong with my wife other than she was agitated and such. So, he released her. At that particular time I had no idea about this affliction.

     I love the phrase, ... "one can fool some of the people some of the time, but one cannot fool ALL the people ALL of the time".  So, really the main purpose of contacting you mate's therapist is to have the therapist 'consider' investigating down this path of possible diagnosis of BPD.

[Skip]

A physician or therapist of your mate is OBLIGATED to see you (at least once personally) or take your information that u provide to them (audio/videos--> on USB memory sticks/social services reports/etc). It is medical-legally an obligation to accept and assess collateral information regarding their patient.

Is this a requirement in Canadian law?

The opposite is true in the USA. There are many protections for the patient.

Even a physician can be fooled (at least at first).  In my situation, when my wife was taken down (in handcuffs in a squad car after a domestic dispute) the ER doctor had no idea what was wrong with my wife other than she was agitated and such. So, he released her. At that particular time I had no idea about this affliction.

Sophisticated mental health diagnosis are not made in ERs.

[ogopogodude]

It is an ethical obligation on behalf of the therapist/physician. The doctor can actually refuse to see you. But that physician can be called upon by his/her governing body if a complaint is made by the person who wants to provide that information.

[ogopogodude]

If one is truly wanting to see their mate's therapist/doctor or wants to provide information to that counsellor: ... all it would take is a short, well-written paragraph dropped off in a non-sealed brown envelope (so that the medical receptionist can open it up an read it and then walk over to hand it to their boss, the doctor.

Inside the envelope would be this:

Dear Dr hit__, I have some important information that may be of some extremely useful in order for you to provide therapy for my mate, who I dearly love. He/she is very troubled and it is my opinion that he/she has BPD, but I could be wrong.  Enclosed is some information (USB memory sticks, letters from social services, etc).   If you wish, I would be happy to send this information to the College of Physicians and Surgeons so they can then redirect this information for you to assess. I have already sent the identical parcel to my mate's therapist. Please help our relationship if you can.

Sincerely, _____




   

[ogopogodude]

Brilliant, eh?

[ogopogodude]

This way, ... you are being humble in that you do not want to appear as doing the doctors job of diagnosing, ... . etc.

Plus, ... . you "planted the seed" of information to that doctor.

[ForeverDad]

I and my lawyer are in the USA and had to deal extensively with HIPAA - Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act.  In general it means that the professional *might* listen to you but they're generally not allowed to disclose information to you about their patient, even if a spouse.  An exception to that privacy is if the patient's words, threats or actions might endanger someone.  I recall a member here years ago mentioning he had received a very vague but urgent warning of a risk from his ex's therapist or other similar professional.

My ex used HIPAA as a way to block my access to my son's child therapy records, in all, for over a year.  We had separated when son was three years old and for the first 3 months I didn't even know about it until an insurance recertification letter arrived in my mail.  At first she claimed I was a suspected child abuser and that worked well, the agency studiously gave me the cold shoulder for nearly a year - until court eventually had some evaluations in hand.  At that point ex's strategy changed and claimed she feared endangerment because of her many comments to our child's therapist and agency.  ANd of course the agency stonewalled me with this new wrinkle.  By then I had already approached the court twice during hearing on other divorce issues, first the court assured me that in the temp order I had statutory rights to access my son's records, the second time the court got my ex to agree to sign papers with the agencies granting access.  Of course she never did.  So the third time I made a specific motion to get access to son's records.  Court made my lawyer research HIPAA law and rules.  Finally we had a hearing and the magistrate signed the motion as an order.  I picked up some 200 pages of records within two days.  My lawyer had told me it would be mostly blacked out, but it wasn't.  I didn't see my initial letters to the agency, not sure why they weren't kept.  Of course, the agency was silent about apologies, they weren't going to expose themselves to further litigation.

Several months later when my ex raged at the pediatrician's staff and got herself 'fired' (letter to her as temp custodial parent stated they were "withdrawing services" but I was never notified.  And ex didn't notify me either, of course.  When I called the pediatricians a week or two later they refused to talk to me, referring me to their lawyer.  The lawyer also stated they couldn't talk to me, but obliquely asked whether I wanted to request son's records?  Of course I asked for his records.  No charge, too, staff was silent but very helpful.  Yes, my ex, remembering her prior success with this delay tactic, had claimed HIPAA issues.

[ogopogodude]

Holy crap ... that is quite a story. Thank God I live in Canada.

Here is some more info on my situation:

My wife's doctor was extremely professional in that she did not give out any information to me about my wife when I saw her in person. It would have been unethical to do so, actually.  As a matter of fact, and for that matter, ... . a doctor's office cannot even state (to  me) when the last time my wife was in for an appointment.

    But my wife's physician (a lovely woman that I actually knew form my high school class, thirty years ago, coincidentally)  did "take-in" the verbal information I gave her.  However, ... . I have yet to give her the audio clips, and video clips of my wife's abuse of me and the children because it really is unnecessary at this point.

Here's why:

     I had my own physician call my wife's dr ... . and they had a dr to dr chat about the video clips that I showed him.

    Then my physician said  to me afterwards, ... that my wife's dr now "gets it" in that it is clear that the mother has major psychiatric problems along with alcohol abuse.

     Then OUT OF THE BLUE while I was out of town at a rep hockey game with my son, ... . my wife's dr calls me, ... . apologizes that she did not talk to me sooner, and said to me that I MUST get the children out of that environment and suggested to leave my wife (but she couldn't say "why" meaning that it would breach patient confidentiality). But because she is the dr of our children, ... . she knew she had the medical/legal obligation to actually contact me for the best interest of the kids health and welfare.

   Wow, ... . eh?

[livednlearned]

I would think that here in the U.S., if patient records were subpoenaed, those records would clearly state that this information (a letter suggesting a BPD dx) was provided by the spouse. I don't see how that would be any more legitimate than me standing up in court and diagnosing N/BPDx.

Not saying it isn't helpful for your situation, and it might work in Canada. But here... . I dunno. My ex admitted he drank to excess and had anger issues, and that didn't alarm the courts. It wasn't until N/BPDx had a psychotic episode that he documented in a large volume of voice mails, text messages, IMs, and emails and threatened a third-party professional that the court sat up and listened.

He underwent a psychiatric evaluation that diagnosed him as narcissistic and misogynistic, and I don't think that's what swung things in my favor. It was just one data point. The reason I ended up with a favorable custody hearing is N/BPDx's behavior, very thoroughly documented.

About 4 years before I left my marriage, N/BPDx saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed ADHD. He was given adderall. That's when things went from unstable to scary. I made an appointment to talk to the psychiatrist about N/BPDx and the office said I could talk to a nurse. I explained the changes in N/BPDx's behavior, how it was affecting our home life, and asked about possible complications from the drugs and alcohol. She was professional and told me nothing about N/BPDx, but basically said that N/BPDx was a grown-up and could do as he pleased.

Maybe Canada is less litigious about privacy and health.

[ogopogodude]

my lawyer said that my wife's medical records CAN be subpoena'ed into court for the judge to assess IF THAT parent is potentially a threat to the health and general welfare of the children. i have actually proven to The Ministry of Children and Family Development (social services) that my wife is in fact a threat not only to herself but to others by driving drunk. Social services wrote quite a report that made my wife look like the very devil and me, ... well, ... I had a halo over my head.  The social services report was soo helpful in court. I am going to go all the way to TRIAL and ask for a section 15 (which is a psychiatric assessment of my entire family unit of four: me, my wife, and my two kids, ... notice that I said 'my' kids….? This is because my wife is no longer a parent. She is in no shape to parent).

[livednlearned]

my lawyer said that my wife's medical records CAN be subpoena'ed into court for the judge to assess IF THAT parent is potentially a threat to the health and general welfare of the children. i have actually proven to The Ministry of Children and Family Development (social services) that my wife is in fact a threat not only to herself but to others by driving drunk. Social services wrote quite a report that made my wife look like the very devil and me, ... well, ... I had a halo over my head.  The social services report was soo helpful in court. I am going to go all the way to TRIAL and ask for a section 15 (which is a psychiatric assessment of my entire family unit of four: me, my wife, and my two kids, ... notice that I said 'my' kids….? This is because my wife is no longer a parent. She is in no shape to parent).

Sounds like it worked great for you, ogopogodude. I think the common denominator of what you're saying is that having a third-party professional, whether it's The Ministry of Children and Family Development, a PC, a custody evaluator, or a therapist, can be helpful, if not outright game changing. Although, some people here have been screwed by custody evaluations and minor's counsels, etc., so it's not entirely clear cut, unfortunately.

And documentation of bad behavior goes a long long way, no matter how that documentation is entered into court. We have to create credible stories about our exes using a bunch of legal tools, (like depositions, mediation, custody evaluations, psychiatric assessments) treating each one like a data point that helps the court make the right decision.