Forgiveness

[Bracken]

I keep thinking about FORGIVENESS lately.

That has been a confusing and difficult concept for me. I am probably more forgiving than most people - and more apologetic too. At least outwardly. But to forgive from the inside?

Those with pwBPDs in their families have to do a lot of forgiving - and often, without even being asked to do it.  

I had a cruel uBPD Narcissist mother. I was estranged from her almost my entire adult life. When she got back in contact a few years ago, she wrote, with great ceremony, that she was prepared to forgive ME - regarding her infinite store of hateful delusions about me. But, she still did not ask me to forgive HER. About anything.

I went to a Therapist then - feeling that I "should" forgive my mother and long-dead father - to exorcize the lingering effects of abuse. I had read  that "it is not something you do for the person you are forgiving; you do it for yourself." But instead - I became more certain that I can NOT forgive my mother.  

However, I can forgive my uBPD daughter - though it is often a struggle. And though, furthermore, I get advice from people to NOT forgive her, let her go, give up on her, punish her -- etc. etc.  I give my D credit, that in the last year or so she has started apologizing to us, occasionally, for some of her behaviour. That has been a big step forward. Also, I don't believe that my D is DELIBERATELY cruel and abusive.

I think I am also getting better at forgiving MYSELF. That is the essence. I feel it so much, reading and responding to the heartfelt words on this Forum. I think many of us are striving to get free of our own guilt and self-blame as parents. It would surely benefit our loved ones as much as ourselves if we can accomplish this. To start from ourselves - and forgive from the inside out.

I saw the video today (somewhere on this site) of Marsha Linehan (the inventor of DBT) talking about her Aha! moment - when she was in a church, and it suddenly hit her : "I LOVE MYSELF". She said that everything in her life changed from that moment on.

I would love to hear what others have been thinking and feeling about   FORGIVENESS  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peace in steel town]

You're right, forgiveness is hard, and you do it for yourself, not for them. Read the toolbar, I think lesson 3, about diffusing emotions, especially resentment. I found it helpful.

[qcarolr]

Bracken - it is so true that forgiveness has to come from the inside out. So often I expect someone else to ask me to forgive what I am hurt about from their behavior. I could wait forever and be even more angry, defensive, and harming to my connection with the other person. This happens most with family, but also with friends and neighbors. That there is a right an wrong of every situation.

I am trying to acknowledge that I make a lot of assumptions of others emotional state and intentions when I feel disrepected or put down. I am getting better at stepping back to allow the space for each of us to cool off. Then think it through using the tools and skills I have been learning and practicing to try a different approach. Lesson 3 is a good one.

The DBT skills have helped me with this and building some support in a new faith community - a healing focused church. Awareness, willingness, acceptance -- being more mindful to take care of my own needs. Then I am in a place where I can have empathy for the other person, realize that they are doing the best they can with what they have... .

It is a process. Kindness to myself - forgiveness - puts me back on the better path when I get stuck in the weeds and thorns beside the road.

qcr