DD constantly searching for something

[muffetbuffet]

Well, made it through the holidays without too much damage DD spent most of her school vacation with her boyfriend and his family.  As is usually the case DD has been dating this young man for only a few weeks and she is already madly in love and wants to marry this young man.  "I just know he is right for me".  Sad to say, but we were told the same story with the young man that she brought to the family dinner at Thanksgiving.  DD is not happy at our home at all.  She does not like that we have rules (attend school, curfew, etc) and consequences for her behavior.  She has for some time now been looking for a family to take her in.  Each time she gets a new boyfriend she immediately attaches to the family and reports to us that they all love her.  Yet again she has another family to share her life dramas (a new audience) with and she has supposedly convinced someone to become her guardian so she can leave our home.  She says such hurtful things when she is at our home.  We can only imagine what stories she is telling everyone about her horrible life here and how much we have ruined her life.  Struggling with her need to always be searching for that attachment to someone.  DD was adopted at the age of 7 and has some signs of an RAD.  Since being with us, she has a family that loves her and would do anything for her but it just never seems to be enough.  I understand that part of the attachment issue is to push away someone before they can hurt you, but it is difficult.  No matter what we do, we just cannot seem to provide her with what she needs... . what she is looking for?  Done venting.  It is difficult because I miss her when she is not here as there is a void that DD does not want to be with us.  When she is here, she is so verbally abusive that I cannot even carry on a decent conversation with her.     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeangel]

Hello Muffet! 

I just wanted you to know I could have posted every word you said about every single part of your post two years ago except that my dd is my biological d and has had a very loving childhood from birth, but her father left and went abroad when she was young and started a new family, he had a young girl just like dd, so she has been 'replaced' you see.

Anyway, I digress but with this disorder, these things happen, you will be vilified, painted black, unappreciated, abused, your character will be assassinated to others (and to your face!) they will try to find the love they feel you 'lack' in other families of friends' and boyfriends' but then they too will be painted black and their sad quest continues!  Its a bottomless pit you see, no amount of love or care can be seen as enough!

While this phase is going on you can do no right and they will vilify you and throw your love back at you until you feel your heart will break! Been there had heart broken (and stamped on for good measure!)

I can only speak from experience here but I decided to fight the good fight and roll with the punches and see if I could just 'love' my daughter back to me, I took breaks and nearly gave up many times but here's the thing - its definitely working! DD is 22 now and is quite often quite loving to me, will apologise (sometimes) and is getting some awareness of her own behaviour and how its affecting us, who is REALLY there for her ALL the time and who she REALLY is besides the disorder.

All this is while she is still on the waiting list for therapy and has had none yet (grrr!) but myself and dh achieved this through sheer determination and tenacity, we will not let a mh issue come between us and our dd.

We give her space when she needs and take space when we need (kindly) but we are ALWAYS there, no matter what vileness is thrown at us. Im not saying we never get cross or always behave perfectly but we make it clear we are ALWAYS there and never let her feel shame for her illness and how it makes her behave but at the same time let her know she can behave better because we BELIEVE in her improvement.

Its so hard and tough on a soul, I am wishing you so much love and encouragement and some extra super-human strength to just carry on but I know you can do it!

This is hard stuff, I didn't know what I could do until I met with this horror but I am telling you, you will get through, bit by bit, little by little, please take any support you can get and scream and shout for more!

I am so sorry you are enduring this too, please take hope from my story I know improvements can happen please stay strong. Your dd is so lucky to have your love and will see that one day. You are a heroine!

 xx

[muffetbuffet]

Hopeangel... . thanks for the words of encouragement.  As I am sitting here reading your response, DD and her boyfriend showed up at our home.  She has one bad** attitude today.  Guess I should be glad she is spending the day with boyfriend.  She came over to get her dirty laundry which has been piling up for months as boyfriend's family will help her do it.  You know the terrible mom that I am I won't do it .  Anyhow, just not worth engaging in her drama.  She has her mind set that she is moving out and that life is better in someone else's home.  Just don't have the energy to fight with her anymore.  Husband and I are so ready to just say go... . live with the boyfriend and his family.  It might be easier all the way around.  DD is not at a place where she can see that she has any mental health issues.  She blames all of her problems on everyone else.  Everything wrong with her is because of what others have DONE to her.  She is nowhere at a point in her life to see that her behaviors are having an impact on everyone around her as she sees her life as perfect as long as my husband and I are not a part of her life.  Taking a deep breath and trying to get through yet another day.

[hopeangel]

I do understand and I DID let her go!  Had no choice really she would have lived in a cardboard box rather than horrid me who only loved and looked after her all day long!

So off she went into a hostel (guess who carried her stuff up three flights of stairs?) then a supported accommodation (guess who carried ... . ) then her own flat (guess who... . yes horrid old me and dh!)

But I always let her know I didn't want her to go and would let her contact me when she felt ready and let her know I loved her and these were her choices not mine! (she forgot this all the time 'no other mum would let her child live elsewhere' etc etc)

But all I know is fast-forward three years (gosh time flies when your having fun!) and things a very different.  Im not being different but nowadays the grass is not appearing greener and she is gravitating towards me much more, with some ups and downs but if she has a problem she tells me now and is starting to trust her family more.

I hope you can take heart from this , I know its so painful and I know nothing is certain for us but we need to have faith in improvement if not recovery, I still believe its possible!

One of my mantra's for when she is abusive is 'that is not acceptable in this house/car and if you cant stop I am taking you home' that's the bonus of NOT living with them! 

[muffetbuffet]

My husband and I have also started taking the path of least resistance with DD.  At Christmas, she started fussing and yelling at me on the phone.  My response to her was a very non - emotional "we are not going to allow you to ruin our day... . if you continue to speak to me this way I will be hanging up the phone".  Again when she was here today she started verbally yelling at me and I responded in a similar way.  She does seem to back down when we respond to her that way.  Our concern with letting dd go is that she is only 16.  She will be 17 in March so she is quite a way from being considered an "adult".  Since she is still a minor we are still responsible for her wherever she is.  The idea of letting her just leave and not knowing what is going on scares us.  Unfortunately, DD is just a train wreck waiting to happen.  She is to be taking medication and only takes that when she feels like it.  Her response is that we should be lucky she is taking it at all.  She is a totally different person when she is on her meds.  She is of age to decide on her own mental health treatment so there is not much we can do but to make therapy and medication available to her.  We cannot force it on her.  Sitting back and trying to be prepared for the train wreck is about all we can do right now.  This most likely will involve the police unfortunately.  When DD is totally off her meds she gets physically aggressive in addition to being verbally abusive.  It is so sad to know that she has all the rights to say yes or no to treatment.  Just wishing there was more that we could do to help her.  Standing here and waiting for her to fall flat on her face is so not the way we want to handle this situation.  Being proactive and trying to stop the train wreck would be a much better way to go, but not going to happen.

[hopeangel]

Oh I understand!

It was not my finest hour but dd walked out of my house the first time when she was 17 after my father's death but she ended up in hospital with complete mental breakdown and remained for 7 months, she was then 18 and spent a few weeks at home with us before running away and was put in hostel then supported accommodation.

Truth be told she was never very well mentally but there was a few years between 7 and 12 ish when we were close and all seemed ok!

I am sending you my best wishes (that's not enough I am sending you my best prayers) for the recovery of your family - it will happen you need to believe that!

xx

[muffetbuffet]

   Thanks.  Prayers and knowing that we have support is what gets us through each day.  Just received a phone call from DD.  She is out with boyfriend and his family.  They are running late and will be home later than expected.  Very "normal" phone call.  Like I was talking to a good friend.  This is what is so hard.  The ups and downs of everyday is just exhausting. 

Keep plugging away.  Oh the joys of being a parent.

[BioAdoptMom3]

My friend you are so not alone!  Our DD14, also adopted (at birth) seems to be constantly searching for fulfillment and acceptance as well.  I am not sure if it is more the fact that she is adopted and feels rejected by her birth mother who abandoned her, or the BPD, but we have the same issues.  We live in FL for awhile she wanted to go to MN to live with my brother and his family.  She too is constantly trying to find new friends after sabotaging previous relationships, and attaches herself to their families as well.  I am not sure how much she is still doing it, but she has lied to her youth director, guidance counselors at school, therapist, friends, etc. about what goes on at home.  She is in therapy which I hope will eventually be helpful for her and she is on Prozac and Abilify which do help to stabilize her moods.  We have a lot more problems with her beating herself up verbally than others. Is your DD on any kinds of medications?  Is she in therapy?  I wish I could be more helpful with recommendations for you, but I at least wanted you to know that you are not alone in this!   

[Mish66]

Muffetbuffet I totally feel for you. We are too going through similar thing. Our 15dd left on 5 Dec - came back for 3 days over Xmas but couldn't even by here for Xmas lunch - I was so upset. Since then she has got us to pick her up twice, once at 3am cause she had fight with her loser drug dealer 21yr old boyfriend. He treats her terribly but she would rather be with him, living rough than her family who loves her and does everything to try and help her. She just can't see it - the amount of time taken off work at drop of hat to pick her up, or attend meetings, the times you go in the night to pick her up, the money spent to try and please her and the worst thing - time lost on the other 3 kids when you're doing all this. Or your'e exhausted and snap at them. Guilt is a something I can't move on.

[muffetbuffet]

BioAdoptMom3 -- DD is on medication when she feels like taking it.  She is on tegretol, vyvanse, respidnone, and wellbutrin (spelling doesn't count right?).  When she is consistently taking meds she can be reasonable and we are able to talk to her in a civil manner.  Her latest bit with wanting to be at the boyfriend's house all weekend means no meds.  Not taking them on the weekends and then taking them during the week when she is with us, is not working.  She just doesn't understand that.  She claims she does not need all of the medication.  Those who know and love her have a different opinion on that thought She has been in and out of therapy since she came to live with us at the age of 7.  She was hospitalized once followed by spending 8 months in a residential treatment facility. We have been through family based in home therapy on three different occasions.  She has had at least 5 or 6 individual therapists.  Since she is over the age of 14 we are not legally able to force her to take meds or force therapy.  She schedules appointments and then cancels at the last minute.  Once she has cancelled so many times, they move her along to another therapist.  Thankfully they don't close her case.  The agency that we are working with knows our situation very well and have tried to help out as much as they can. 

Mish66 -- How do you deal with the idea of your DD being gone at the age of 15?  Since she is so young is there someway to get police involved?  If she is hanging out with an adult and involved with drugs, could you get some help for her that way? 

[peace in steel town]

Hey muffetbuffet, I agree with hopeangel. Our dd left at 17, and yes, her life is a train wreck. Now she is 19. However, like my name implies, we have peace in our home. Our dd was just like yours is, all I would have to do is change the names. She was on one med, can't remember the name, but it did help; the only problem is within days of starting it, she developed a nasty rash on one arm, so she had to stop. Check out my post on reading Valerie Porr's book and tough love for more info. Really, changing how we interact with her, and letting her find out that the real world doesn't love her as much as we do opened her eyes, and has changed the behaviour we see. But it's not easy, and dw feels like she's the worst parent in the world for letting dd go.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

muffet

I just wanted to tell you that your dd has a long life... . this small part you are going through right now will not sting as much later. All our stories sound so familiar at times but one thing I try to remember is that what we are going through right now is just a small part... . i try to see a future where my dd has learned some coping skills and is kinder to the ones who love her. Call it immaturity or something else. Time will help our dd's mature. I try to have hope and I try to be supportive as much as I can. The teen years are hard years but in time I hope things will get better

[Mish66]

Hi Muffetbuffet

I find it very difficult to cope with that fact my dd has left home at 15 (she's 16 in a weeks time). We have had nearly a year of her abusing drugs, abusing us, assaulting us and intimidating her little sister. She has been to court 3 times, she has spent 10 days in a secure facility for girls and has spent a night in jail surrounded by harden criminals (which at the time we had no idea was going to happen - our local police said she would be isolated). But STILL no change - she had a lovely boyfriend who treated her so nice but decided to sleep with her old loser boyfriend, so of course the loser told the new boyfriend. We have had nearly a year of going to police every friday night reporting her missing. The longest she was missing was 2.5 weeks which was so hard. She dropped out of school (even though she is intelligent). She has a good part time job but I fear she will lose that soon and now we find out she is dealing drugs. Every day is so difficult, I keep hoping I will wake up and our lives will be different

[muffetbuffet]

jellibeans you are so true that our kids have a long life ahead of them. 

We often wonder what will become of our dd when she is an adult.  I guess some of the scary part is that dd has a biological sister that has similar issues.  She is only 24 yrs. old and has three children to three different men.  One child has been adopted by another family and she is in jeopardy of losing other two kids.  She is living with a man much older than her and we believe she is being abused by this man.  Our dd has the genetic part of all of this that we really cannot do anything about.  Breaking that cycle of an adoptive child's background is next to impossible. 

Mish66 -- Sitting here reading your posts with my husband and I am so sorry that things are so bad for you.  The mess we have here right now seems almost calm in comparison to what you are living right now.  The fear of the unknown and not really knowing where your daughter is and if she is ok has to be terribly stressful. Continue to take it one day at a time.   

[Rapt Reader]

Reading everyone's posts on this thread really breaks my heart; it's so frustrating and painful when our BPD children keep making troubles for themselves by doing self-destructive things that we can all see as parents, but have virtually no control to stop most of the time. My own son--not even diagnosed with BPD till last year right after his 36th birthday--was a heroin addict who was never home long enough for us to even get a good handle on what he was doing. But we knew it was bad, and every time the phone rang with an unknown phone number on the caller ID, our nerve endings were activated on high alert, preparing ourselves for the worst.

The worst happened last year on the last weekend of February when he was admitted to our local hospital with suicidal ideations (his 2nd such admittance in 6 years), an addiction to heroin, and a life that had deteriorated to this point, while we were away on vacation 1500 miles away. In the 2 weeks time of our vacation, his car was totaled; his dad's truck was towed away when he was stopped, then arrested for possession; he spent an afternoon in the police station in handcuffs waiting for a friend to pick him up; then almost attempted suicide the next morning as we were making our way home from vacation unaware of his traumatic experiences.

He called me while we were driving, on our way home (and we were still a day and a half's drive away from home), to say good-bye, sitting in a full bathtub with 2 razor blades. I talked him out of it, and when he asked if he should call his brother (who lives 5 hours away from our home) I said that would be good. His younger brother--horrified by the story my BPDson was telling him--got hold of the local Sheriff's Dept. and had my son taken to the local hospital for the suicidal ideation.

I'm telling you all of this because this was the beginning of my son's salvation from his troubles. The combination of the hospital stay and court troubles (in the end all charges were dropped and he doesn't even have any sort of record at all, thank God) convinced my son to be checked into the 21-day Intensive Inpatient Dual Diagnosis Center. This was God's plan I believe; the Center is where his BPD was diagnosed for him (his ADD, Depression, Hyperactive Thyroid & Social Anxiety had been diagnosed when he was 20), and the rest is history.

My son is now in his 11th month of total sobriety, and is the happiest and healthiest I have ever seen him. His many diagnoses--and all affiliated behaviors and symptoms--are majorly under control. He still is not ready to go back out into the "cold, cruel world" just yet, but is busy going to his Outpatient Therapy, Neurofeedback Therapy, Psychiatric Therapy and Dr.'s appointments. And he takes his meds regularly (Pristiq, Tenex, Levothyroxine for thyroid). And wonder of wonders, he is calling himself an Artist again, and is working on a graphic novel and doing animation on the new Wacom tablet and Anime & Manga programs we got him for Christmas.  

Please, please don't give up... . jellibeans and muffetbuffet are right when they say that your kids have a lot of life left to live, and this too shall pass. You are all very fortunate to have knowledge of your children's BPD diagnoses and this site and its information at this time. My son is 36; we only got his Dx last March, and I found this site in April of 2013. He is lucky he is alive and well and in recovery, and I am lucky this site was there for me to help me cope and learn how to help him in his recovery. You can be thankful your children are relatively young, and there is hope for the rest of their lives to be healthy and good  

[muffetbuffet]

Rapt Reader -- WOW! What an encouraging story.  Sounds like you better start planning that one year anniversary party What a great thing for your whole family to join in and celebrate. 

[ncmoms]

muffet, we hear you and understand completely what you're going through.   My DD is 14 and spends every minute she can out of the house, usually hanging out at a park in our neighborhood.  She is using drugs, doing who-knows-what-all with the boys she's around, and is extremely abusive to us when she is here.  Just the other day she lost another close friend whose parents are forbidding their daughter to hang around ours because she's a "bad influence".   Every time she loses a friend, she goes on a downward spin of depression.   Luckily she has been on a mood stabilizer called Saphris for about a year and it has completely eliminated her suicidal and self harm tendencies.

We really don't know how this is all going to end up, because she runs away when we get too restrictive.  Her previous therapist called the police on her and us because she felt we were not able to keep her safe enough because we let her roam the neighborhood.  But as Rapt Reader shows, sometimes it turns out well.   We all hope that our kid is one of those happy endings.  In the meantime, we go through all the ups and downs, sometimes hoping they'll come home safely, and sometimes secretly glad they are out of the house for even a little while so we can catch our breath.

Hang in there!

[Mish66]

Yes NCMoms - thats the same for us. Our just turned 16 year old daughter has been living away from us since 5 Dec - she's been home several nights when she's fighting with her drug dealing loser 21yr old boyfriend. But we can't keep her home, she just runs away.  Our latest advice from a policeman is not to go to the police because that will just tell her she can't trust us and home isn't safe place to be.  Every morning I wake up wondering if she is alive, she has admitted to trying Meth on New Years eve and uses weed very regularly.  It just breaks your heart seeing your child do this to herself and to her family.  We struggle all the time, trying to have a normal life.  I find it so hard to concentrate at work and find I snap at the other two kids at home.  Life feels very unfair at the moment.

[muffetbuffet]

Mish66- Calling the police created issues at our home also.  We called once when our dd took off with a 30 something guy.  She came home and totally destroyed her bedroom door and the bathroom door.  She was so explosive that we almost called the police back again as we were afraid for our safety. I know that involving the police was necessary for her safety, but it did damage an already strained parent/child relationship. 

My husband and I have made some changes in our home that seem to be, at least for right now, helping out the situation.  We have really pulled back on our restrictions on dd.  She has to go to school, has to be in by curfew, has to call if going to be late and has to clean up after herself when in our home.  Not major things, but in her life they are big things.  She also has to take meds and attend therapy appts.  She has been leaving our house at 6:15 every AM to walk to the boyfriend's house.  They both then go to school (I get a call if she doesn't show up).  She walks home with boyfriend and has to be at our home by 4PM.  She has been permitted to leave Sat AM, stay the night and come home Sunday PM.  We know she is with the boyfriend so at least we know where she is.  Don't know what she is doing, but can't control every waking moment of her life.  We have really had to let go a little bit in order to keep ourselves together.  The stress of all of this is terrible on your health.  We are finding that giving her some more freedom has given us a bit of a break that we are trying to regain some control of our own lives.  One day at a time.

[jellibeans]

Yes Muffet I think that is a good approach... . we have also drawn back on our expectations... . going to school, taking meds, attending therapy and doing the one chore of taking out garbage... . what I have backed up is school... . she needs to go but I don't ask about homework or grade etc... . we expect her to pass all subjects so for some she barely gets by. We don't insist she come eat meals with us not to we comment on how little she eats or what she eats.

I think this like you has helped with the conflict... dd16 is getting older and needs tot ake on the responsibility of her life and what she wants to do with it... . we believe in natural consequences... .

I do believe we would call the police if she were to return to old destructive behaviors... . running away from home, Overdosing... . or take the car without premission are things we can't ignore.

[muffetbuffet]

Here we go with the next chapter.  :)D has been with boyfriend and her new found "family" since Saturday.  She needed some things from her room so she stopped by tonight.  On her way out the door and down the driveway, she is yelling to me that she, boyfriend, his dad, an uncle and his girlfriend are coming to our home on Fri to talk about taking over guardianship.  She was very rude about it all. Told her that we were not sure we would be home and she informed me that "Friday is the only time they are available".  Like she lives such a busy life now that she is at the boyfriend's most of the time!  Not sure if I should be happy that she may be leaving and moving on (even though she is only 16... almost 17) or hurt at the horrible things she is saying.  I cannot even imagine what lies she has told her "new family".  I am sure she has spun some great stories and made us out to be horrible people.  If she is willing to lie to the police about things I am sure she would lie to people who are willing to fall into her trap and take her in.  Any thoughts on how to emotionally deal with all of this?  My first step is to take an ativan and head to bed.  Maybe things will look better in the morning.       

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear muffett, I do not have any real advice just that we too have been through the new family many times and it always

backfires on my d the new family finds out sooner than later that they are not telling the truth about everything and any

everything that is the root of BPD they cant fake it too long so sad I would be happy if my d could find happiness with another boyfriend or family but it never ends that way she ends up coming home more disturbed than before thats why i say groundhog day same thing just different moments in time months and years as I write this it is so damn sad I would give up my d  forever if I new she could be truly happy and safe we have have a grandaughter and that justs escalates the issues so much more and ramps up all her issues we just keep on trying and plugging away with alot of prayers and sense of humor our d was also adopted at 5 days old We firmly believe this BPD is all inherited from her birthfamily the little that we do know about birthparents they were some serious issues regaarding mental health and birthmom and birthdad both used drugs .  I would have bet my last dime that nurture vs nature wins out every time wow were we wrong but all the t and p says "oh imagine were she would be without you"  does not help that quote so sick of hearing that  just a little venting from  one mom to another one moment at a time and god bless you

t

[jellibeans]

muffet

This is a hard one and I am not sure I would know how to react either BUT I think you have to take the emotion out of the situation... . you have every right to be hurt that your daughter wants to leave. This looks like a big power play here and one you all have been doing for a long time. I find that to be the core of alot of issues with my dd. She is also ODD.

I would meet with bf family to talk about giving up custody... . I am interested to know if they want to you give money to suport her etc... . I would not offer any such support but I would let her go. I do think she will show herself to this new family and it will be very eye opening for your dd. It might just make her think it isn't everyone one else the problem... . maybe it is me!

Do you have a any books you can give the new family on BPD... . I would be very frank with them that your daughter is mentally ill and that she needs meds and therapy so they know what they are getting themselves into. They are taking on the cost of all that since she is not at your home. That is their choice.

I think there should be some kind of paperwork signed that makes you not responsible for her actions after she leaves your home. Where I live if my child doesnt attend school I can be fined and even jailed... . so I would make sure you had that in writing.

I think when she finally leaves your home she might realize what she gave up and might have a better appreciation for her family. The power struggle has to end... . I don't think this will last and it will turn out to be a great learning experience for your dd and bf family. I know this is sad and it will be hard to let go but I do think it would be for the best.

[muffetbuffet]

jellibeans--It is SOO Hard to take the emotion out of all of it.  As I sit here typing I am crying.  Ironic but our dd is ODD also and throw in a little of PTSD and ADHD.  She has not been diagnosed BPD but we have had many people tell us that that is where she is headed.  Since she is not 18, they will not give her that diagnosis.  We met with an attorney this past summer when dd thought she wanted to move in with biological family.  Once she got there she decided she would return to our home.  I am sure this meeting with the new "family" will be tough but we have invited my sister and her husband to be there with us and for us.  My husband and I just feel like we are being cornered by our daughter and all of the lies that I am sure she has told to these people.  I almost feel like I am being put on trial here.  I have to prove to strangers that we are good parents... .

"oh imagine were she would be without you"  The line I love to hate.  Kind people who think they are helping out say this to you and it just makes me all the more upset.  

[jellibeans]

muffet

Our stories are so similar... . our dd's sound the same at times. It is the ODD that is the hardest some times... . she will say no to something I know she wants because she is just so used to saying no! It doesn't mater about the DX... . my dd doesn't have a firm DX either but I have not doubt in my mine she is. This past weekend she had two things happen that I thought would impact her big time but she dealt with it pretty good... . The morning I was sure she would not go to school because of a poor attempt at hair coloring... . but she went! A year ago she would have run away from home so I do think things can get better. If you had asked me a year ago I would have had a different answer.

I think that is a great idea to have family there for support... . I do not think you should have to defend yourself. Your daughter most likely wants to leave because she feels she will be able to do what ever she wants at the new home... . well I hope that is not the case but she wants the freedom. Have you though of putting down some rules? Like if she is to live with you she is to attend school... . visit us weekly on such days etc... . ?

I really think she will be back if given the freedom to go... . your dd sounds so immature like mine... . I think time will help them... please let us know how it goes

[js friend]

Hi Muffet,

just wanted to say that I have been through the same with my dd19.When my dd finally, fianally decided to leave home she was 17yo... . but the year before that I actually lost count of the amount of times she took off to live with a new family... . and it was always the ones who seemed to beliveve what dd said and took her in without even a phone call or even wanted to meet up with me to hear what I had to say... . which I still find that totally wierd. Hang tight Muffet, Your dd will get fed up of it soon when natural consequences and  the novelty wears off just like just like everytime my dd came back. ... . I remember once after coming back home dd was really annoyed that she had to wait last to have a shower, and then when she got round to taking one it was cold!.She was fuming. ... Another one was... . It was too noisy there!... . and Blah, Blah, Blah... . each time only last 2 weeks at the most... . and im sure she would leave just as quickly as I used to joke that there must be a pile of her clothes in all these homes because she would often just comeback in the clothes she stood up in, this always after she would make such a big thing everytime about "packing" before leaving home.

I dont see reading  here if you have every met these people before Muffet, so dont know if they know much about your dd,but I would sit down with these people with no expectations of conflict on your part which should take some of the emotion out of it. Beforehand Make a list of the things  you want to cover and the things you want to say.That way you can stay on target. Thinking about this everytime my dd left it was never with my blessing, and you know how pwBPDs always seem to think we are annoyed with them. Idk, Maybe it may make it difference if your dd knows that you support her in this decision and the outcome may be different and better. I think its worth a shot.

Let us know how it goes and good luck!

[muffetbuffet]

Update... Meeting for tonight has been cancelled because the "new" family cannot meet until 8:30 PM.  That is way too late since my sister and brother in law are driving an hour to come to this meeting to be our support.  I was told that they could meet us earlier if we could meet somewhere other than our home town... . somewhere closer to where the "new" family works.  My reply to the boyfriend on that question was NO because as I told him not so nicely is that the meeting will be held in our home so that I can kick his butt out of my home when he gets too mouthy which I know will happen.  Felt good to say it to him! He has no respect for my husband and I so I don't have much respect for him. 

In talking with my sister/bro in law last night, we came up with a few options to present to our DD and her boyfriend.  One we sign over custody but it goes through the courts and we don't think they will come up with the money to do that.  Second is that we allow the kids to get married when daughter turns 17 in March.  She would be a legal adult and totally on her own at that point.  Lastly, bro in law is ready to tell DD that  he will take custody of her, but will send her to boarding school if he does.  We have tossed around the whole deal of calling children services but all that is going to do is push daughter totally away.  If we can present her with some options that we kind of support, hopefully she will know that we will be there for her when this doesn't work out. 

By the way someone asked if we know this "new" family and we do not.  Have never met anyone from boyfriend's family with the exception of the mother.  My husband met her briefly in the driveway when she was picking up dd.   Have a great weekend.

[muffetbuffet]

And so the saga continues.  Surprisingly, DD and boyfriend are still together.  DD is spending less and less time at our home and more and more time at boyfriends home.  Have made several attempts to have something signed for custody but boyfriend's family is not very cooperative.  In the meantime, dd is running back and forth between houses and setting her own rules.  She is attending school and is doing well so of course we heard the line that it is our fault that she was doing so poorly before.  Now that she is living with boyfriend she is doing very well.  We have been watching her phone calls and she has been making contacts with old boyfriends and bio mom who all live out of state so we are not sure what she is up to.  Thirteen months until she turns 18.  Although I will always worry about DD and her welfare, once she turns 18 she will be on her own.  The stress of all of this is horrible. 

[jellibeans]

so muffet... . where are you with all of this? Are you happy with this arrangement? sounds kind of like a dream to me in a way letting someone else deal with the drama. ARe you taking a wait and see approach? Hope you are doing well... . I am sure the honeymoon won't last forever... .

[Eclaire5]

Muffet: I think they have that pattern of becoming abusive towards the parents because they feel safer with us when they have to unleash all that fury they carry inside. They know our love is undconditional and sometimes take advantage of that. I think that doing what some of you mentioned, enforcing the big rules and trying to overlook the smaller ones while still setting clear limits is the right way to go. Try not to feel bad that she is always looking for other attachments, it is a very typical symptom of BPD. They are never fulfilled, no matter how much love you give them. You have gone beyond the expectations of what a parent should do for their child (I think most of us in this board have) and if she is not happy with that and thinks there is a "magical, perfect family" out there, is her issue and not yours. Tough times for all of us, but we are still hanging in