No frantic recontact - Leaving before being left?

[Arctic Monkey]

As a new member on here I have a question for you, something that confuses me and makes me wonder if I've got this all wrong.

My ex fits many of the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. But as far as I can see not fear of abandonment,  at least not in the way many have experienced it here. The constant cycle of pulling close then pushing away yes, 100%.But when I employed the NC strategy after her final email 5 months ago she made no attempt to get in touch at all. Total silence.

This doesn't seem typical of BPD behaviour. Part of me wonders if I'm offended that she accepted this tactic so easily - damaged ego maybe? Although it's been great for me and I've been able to focus on getting my life back together.

What do you think? Does a pwBPD always do the frantic attempts to make contact thing?

[an0ught]

What do you think? Does a pwBPD always do the frantic attempts to make contact thing?

Often but definitely not always. Fear of abandonment is only one of several aspects. Also keep in mind that fear of abandonment may result as well in the exact opposite behavior you describe: Leaving when first rejection happens following the logic that it is better to leave than be left.

What is almost always true is that fear and shame play a big role in the emotional life of a pwBPD. How that then is manifesting itself in the behavior - there is a really wide range as can be observed on the board 

And this is why with BPD approaches that work aim at the emotional side - problems originate there and behavior is the symptom. Aiming purely at behavior is often fueling the emotional problems. That is not to say that dysfunctional behavior does not need tackling and even more importantly we need to protect ourselves adequately from its consequences.

[Arctic Monkey]

Ok you've given me something to think about there. If you read my relationship breakdown story on the leaving board maybe it is possible that she thought I'd be so hacked off at her behaviour around my birthday that I'd end it. So jumped before she was pushed perhaps?

[Turkish]

Ok you've given me something to think about there. If you read my relationship breakdown story on the leaving board maybe it is possible that she thought I'd be so hacked off at her behaviour around my birthday that I'd end it. So jumped before she was pushed perhaps?

She may have felt it. I  think mine did from me,  then her childish and Queen  behaviors escalated  until she went out on me.

[Arctic Monkey]

The thing is though Turkish I had no intention of ending it. I was just a bit hurt but no worse than usual.

[Turkish]

The thing is though Turkish I had no intention of ending it. I was just a bit hurt but no worse than usual.

I'm just offering my experience.  mine broke up with what she thought was a perfectly good bf  over ten years ago and to this day does not know why.  sometimes there is no reason that we can see and we get caught up trying to figure it out. I  know why with mine and here I  am still caught up in it!

[Arctic Monkey]

10 years! ! Ouch. Please tell me you're happy now though. I hope you are.

[oblivian2013]

It may also be the silent treatment. My wife was notorious for this - hours, days and weeks on end. Eventually she would contact me. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never responded. Consider yourself lucky.