Feeling shaky this morning...

[janey62]

I'm not sure whether I should be on this board or the 'leaving' board anymore?

There's still some part of me clinging to desperate hope that things will work out.

Last night I had text messages asking for a cuddle.  I didn't want to see him because I was feeling so upset about the latest abusive bombardment.  He seemed to have forgotten that he said it was over and that he didn't love me and that he never wanted to see me again. 

Yesterday I got my finances together, signed up for some benefit payments to keep me going until I find a job, and was feeling a bit stronger.

When his message came, I didn't want to see him and whereas usually I would have done and pretended it was ok so that he would be calmer I just replied that I wanted to be alone and didn't want to risk either of us getting upset.  He had asked me to meet him for lunch today anyway, when he would be sober, which I preferred.  He is getting drunk every evening at the moment and often staggers up to my flat unannounced and sits and cries for a bit then leaves.

I think he is realising that I'm detaching.

So at about 10.45 he turned up, drunk.  I let him in and gave him some leftover food heated up and he sat and told me about his day.  Then he got up, hugged me and left.  As he was going he started to get tearful and told me that he is sorry.  I let him go, not doing my usual persuading him to stay routine because I'm lonely and scared and miss being held by him.

At about 11.45 he texted again asking me if he could come and sleep with me (he lives very close by) and I said no, that I was tired and would see him tomorrow.  I didn't want him to come back and found the courage to say no.  I got the reply back that I am a selfish bhit and that this is the last nail in the coffin... .  

Am I going in the right direction with this, or am I risking getting him furious and things escalating?  I feel so shaky and upset but also really don't  want him sleeping with me.  I get close to him for a day or two and we have sex and I feel all vulnerable and hopeful then some small thing sets him off and I am the evil gf again and get a ton of abuse and abandonment.

I'll meet him for lunch today if he still wants to because we are supposed to be going to a therapist together on thursday and I'd like to go.  He's always saying its over so not taking much notice of last night's threat.

I felt really sorry for him last night because he looked so sad and lost, but I am feeling really bad myself, struggling with restless sleep and racing thoughts and not being able to stop crying. 

I'm pretty sure I want it to be over, I can't take this any more and gaining some financial independence will make a huge difference.  I will be able to move away from here. 

Please keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow.  I have a job interview and if I get the job I will be able to do all of that, and start to get my life back on track.

Jane  :'(

[Clearmind]

Jane, its tough setting boundaries with him I am sure because you are so accustomed to walking on eggshells. Its likely you are also going through a version of abandonment as well. When someone is a drinker they are emotionally absent - we can and do feel abandoned by someone we love. Its so understandable.

Being with a drinker is so emotionally invalidating - you are not his care taker and guilt certainly comes with looking after ourselves. Try to reconcile this guilt and understand it has nothing to do with him. Its likely you were a care taker as a child too - I don't know - I'm poking around here. My father was an alcoholic and I became an emotional care taker for my partners.

[janey62]

You're right Clearmind, I was a caretaker but not for a drinker.  I'm pretty sure my mother was uBPD, if she wasn't she had all the symptoms!

I helped her.

My SO is not an alcoholic, yet, as in not dependent, but his drinking is problematic and he is unreachable, as you say, when drinking. 

He says it makes him feel better, but he does a lot of crying when he's with me and drunk.

I do feel guilty, all the time!  But I really didn't want to see him last night and I'm glad now that I stuck to my guns and said no.

He will probably have forgotten all about it this morning.

I want to say stuff to him.  I want to tell him that I'm not going to put up with his treatment of me any more, that if and when he attacks me I am going to distance myself until he calms down.  I want to tell him to stay away from me when he's drunk.  I want to tell him that if he gets help for his BPD symptoms and stops drinking so much then maybe we can work on our rs but if not then I'm gone.  I'm also afraid that he will kill himself.  My mother did and it still haunts me.  I know rationally that it wasn't my fault, but somewhere inside I think I believe that if I'd been there I could have stopped her. 

And yes, I feel so abandoned.  I've moved here to a new place to live with him and he kicked me out the second day.  He is toying with me like a cat with a mouse a lot of the time and then softens me up by being kind and loving for a few days. 

I've gained a lot of insight and courage from being on this forum and your words have helped me too.

thank you

Jane