Need some advice...

[sadinnc98]

Who exactly is "her"?

Am I right thinking you're in a recycled relationship & "her" is someone he previously replaced you with in a previous break up?

Sorry Sad, I don't know you're history.

He and I have been together about 18 mos... he has broken up and came back (including broken engagement) 30+ times. I have caught him on match for brief periods of time. From what I gather, he went on 1-2 dates with this girl prior to us dating... but he lies so I don't know if that is entirely true, what the involvement with her was before, etc...

[seeking balance]

He is logging in and out every 2-5 minutes for large chunks of time (15-20 mins+) on his phone... . like he is messaging someone, they respond, then he messages back. We have been FB friends for a long time and I never noticed this activity until about 5 weeks ago. Plus in the weeks before, he was doing other shady stuff like taking his phone into the bathroom and logging on FB, turning phone upside down, logging into FB going down the interstate to dinner, etc... . I also notice a lot of FB activity late at night after the bars close... she is a bartender... . he normally is in bed by 10:30.

Why are you stalking him?  Seriously, is this the person you want to be?

[sadinnc98]

He is logging in and out every 2-5 minutes for large chunks of time (15-20 mins+) on his phone... . like he is messaging someone, they respond, then he messages back. We have been FB friends for a long time and I never noticed this activity until about 5 weeks ago. Plus in the weeks before, he was doing other shady stuff like taking his phone into the bathroom and logging on FB, turning phone upside down, logging into FB going down the interstate to dinner, etc... . I also notice a lot of FB activity late at night after the bars close... she is a bartender... . he normally is in bed by 10:30.

Why are you stalking him?  Seriously, is this the person you want to be?

Because I keep hoping that he will stop doing it   I am on my FB on my computer all day because of my job-we network through FB groups so its right in front of my face... plus I do chat with him quite a bit during the day.

[free-n-clear]

... he has broken up and came back (including broken engagement) 30+ times... . he lies

    Doesn't really matter how good the good times are, Sad. The lies and push/pull are going to keep happening. Is he abusive - does he have outbursts of unprovoked rage?

[MrConfused]

Because I keep hoping that he will stop doing it   I am on my FB on my computer all day because of my job-we network through FB groups so its right in front of my face... plus I do chat with him quite a bit during the day.

You've gotta stop doing this... in a healthy relationship you shouldn't need to worry that he's on facebook all day. Even if he was & chatting to other women it shouldn't an issue as you'd have enough trust built up in each other to know he wouldn't be doing anything.

He's proven time & time again that you can't trust him but you're letting him turn you into something you're not. If you're not careful he will paint you as a crazy stalker.

Do you really want to be this person? I completely understand why you're doing it, I went there myself when mine kept messing around & I became a shell of person, it affected my home & work life. I blamed her but in reality it was *myself* for letting her do that to me. You need to be the stronger person & let go.

[Learning_curve74]

sadinnc98, it's perfectly understandable that you are worried about him carrying on with other women. It appears from what you know about him, he has serious problems being in a stable adult relationship, which since you are here on the forums, you know is a hallmark of BPD.

It is unlikely that he will change his behaviors spontaneously, meaning without serious therapy or self-work on his part. What you see is what you get. Can you sustain your side of a relationship with him while always playing private investigator? Can you keep up your side without playing PI?

I know you want him to stop doing the things he's doing. I struggle with the same exact feelings about my pwBPD. I am in a recycle myself right now feeling totally conflicted. She says she is a different person from the person I originally left, but I also see a lot of the similar behaviors as before -- somebody can't just erase a lifetime of patterns and mental programming just like that. It takes serious work to make serious changes. But right now I am trying to enjoy what we have for whatever it is for however long it might last. I am pretty sure that eventually the matter of the other guys she's always interested in will become an issue; it was extremely painful for me on new year's eve.

So knowing all that, I don't feel comfortable telling you what to do, sadinnc98. I do think that you have some questions to ask of yourself to determine what you want and what you can live with. Then you can look at the reality of the situation and make the best decisions you can for yourself. And also realize that you also have the right to change your mind at any time. The only thing that will not work is to do everything exactly the same as before and expect to have different results. Something has to change if you want something different. What things do you truly have the ability to change?

[sadinnc98]

... he has broken up and came back (including broken engagement) 30+ times... . he lies

    Doesn't really matter how good the good times are, Sad. The lies and push/pull are going to keep happening. Is he abusive - does he have outbursts of unprovoked rage?

He has "invented" things to rage about maybe 4-5 times. We do not live together and I feel that if we did, it would happen a lot more. Like I was in trouble for getting my oil changed because the guy there might flirt with me... . in trouble bc i decided to go to my family reunion (trip planned when he wasn't speaking to me for a week and I knew he wouldn't go anyway)... . most of those were drinking rages.

[sadinnc98]

Because I keep hoping that he will stop doing it   I am on my FB on my computer all day because of my job-we network through FB groups so its right in front of my face... plus I do chat with him quite a bit during the day.

You've gotta stop doing this... in a healthy relationship you shouldn't need to worry that he's on facebook all day. Even if he was & chatting to other women it shouldn't an issue as you'd have enough trust built up in each other to know he wouldn't be doing anything.

He's proven time & time again that you can't trust him but you're letting him turn you into something you're not. If you're not careful he will paint you as a crazy stalker.

Do you really want to be this person? I completely understand why you're doing it, I went there myself when mine kept messing around & I became a shell of person, it affected my home & work life. I blamed her but in reality it was *myself* for letting her do that to me. You need to be the stronger person & let go.

I totally cannot STAND the person I have become... . its like I have let everything go, feel so bad all the time, etc... How did you finally let go? He comes in like he did this past weekend, playing hero and making me feel like a million bucks, his princess, etc... then it messes with my mind.

[free-n-clear]

I was in trouble for getting my oil changed because the guy there might flirt with me... . in trouble bc i decided to go to my family reunion

Sounds like your common or garden variety BPD control freak, Sad. Glad to hear you're not living with him. It'll make the detachment process quicker and easier, as there'll be that much less to adjust to. 

[sadinnc98]

I was in trouble for getting my oil changed because the guy there might flirt with me... . in trouble bc i decided to go to my family reunion

Sounds like your common or garden variety BPD control freak, Sad. Glad to hear you're not living with him. It'll make the detachment process quicker and easier, as there'll be that much less to adjust to. 

He is a control freak to the nth degree. Even last week, when he broke up with me for 2 days, I got yelled at/hung up on/chastised for going to have a glass of wine with a married couple I know on NYE bc I put myself in "danger" driving a mile alone. Everything I do, I have rules, have to ask permission, get in trouble, etc...