It is ALWAY something...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just a bit of a rant, maybe searching for some similar stories/experiences and some advice.

I am beginning to come to the realization that there must always be some degree of stress/conflict/tragedy/strife in the life of my uVPDgf. The holidays passed with relatively minimal conflict, partly because of a painful instance of tragedy that occurred on my side of the family (hit close to home for myself and uBPDgf). This gave her something to obsess over and expend her emotional energy on. Once the shock from this event wore off there was the opportunity for her to stress over a family function that she was planning. The day after the family function I could see her demeanor change dramatically. The usual complaints about her health and interfamily relationships began to resurface (almost 2 weeks with very little complaining). I could see on her face that she was just waiting for the opportunity to start a fight... . here we go again. For two days I tried like hell to not trigger her. I could feel myself "walking on eggshells" but the relative peace was a very welcome change. There was nearly a month of peaceful times but I still had a hard time letting my guard down to enjoy them because I knew this day was coming.

Last night after the kids went down we sat down to relax and turn off our brains (watch TV). I know the types of programming that triggers her personal issues so I avoid them at all costs. I chose a cooking show that we enjoy watching together as cooking is one thing that has always brought us together. Not two minutes into the program a very bhity woman with too much cleavage exposed comes on. BOOM, queue the body image and self-esteem issues rant. She feels that because I did not change the channel, fast forward, or take any action that I was gawking at this woman. I got the full "men are pigs", "you all disgust me", and “I hate the way that you treat me" rage. From square on there was no opportunity for validation or the use of any of the tools found here, she seemingly went from 0-100 in a split second. I know that she had this outburst building though, and was just waiting for me to do something that she found to be unacceptable. I stayed until her rage shifted from society and other people to me, then I got up and took a shower and went to bed. Now silent treatment land is my home for a couple of days.

I always know these things are coming eventually, even after a period of period of quasi peace. Still, knowing that it is coming doesn't make it any less frustrating or hurtful... . just sayin.

I will just be over her going about my life while she sits and blames me for all her insecurities... .

It seems to me like there always has to be something for a pwBPD to focus their emotional energy on, if there is nothing actually going on, they create something.

[Proud_Dad]

Just a bit of a rant, maybe searching for some similar stories/experiences and some advice.

I am beginning to come to the realization that there must always be some degree of stress/conflict/tragedy/strife in the life of my uVPDgf. The holidays passed with relatively minimal conflict, partly because of a painful instance of tragedy that occurred on my side of the family (hit close to home for myself and uBPDgf). This gave her something to obsess over and expend her emotional energy on. Once the shock from this event wore off there was the opportunity for her to stress over a family function that she was planning. The day after the family function I could see her demeanor change dramatically. The usual complaints about her health and interfamily relationships began to resurface (almost 2 weeks with very little complaining). I could see on her face that she was just waiting for the opportunity to start a fight... . here we go again. For two days I tried like hell to not trigger her. I could feel myself "walking on eggshells" but the relative peace was a very welcome change. There was nearly a month of peaceful times but I still had a hard time letting my guard down to enjoy them because I knew this day was coming.

Last night after the kids went down we sat down to relax and turn off our brains (watch TV). I know the types of programming that triggers her personal issues so I avoid them at all costs. I chose a cooking show that we enjoy watching together as cooking is one thing that has always brought us together. Not two minutes into the program a very bhity woman with too much cleavage exposed comes on. BOOM, queue the body image and self-esteem issues rant. She feels that because I did not change the channel, fast forward, or take any action that I was gawking at this woman. I got the full "men are pigs", "you all disgust me", and “I hate the way that you treat me" rage. From square on there was no opportunity for validation or the use of any of the tools found here, she seemingly went from 0-100 in a split second. I know that she had this outburst building though, and was just waiting for me to do something that she found to be unacceptable. I stayed until her rage shifted from society and other people to me, then I got up and took a shower and went to bed. Now silent treatment land is my home for a couple of days.

I always know these things are coming eventually, even after a period of period of quasi peace. Still, knowing that it is coming doesn't make it any less frustrating or hurtful... . just sayin.

I will just be over her going about my life while she sits and blames me for all her insecurities... .

It seems to me like there always has to be something for a pwBPD to focus their emotional energy on, if there is nothing actually going on, they create something.

[maxsterling]

My personal opinion and observation of my dBPDgf is that her identity is formed by conflict.  If she doesn't have anything to complain about, be angry at, or feel negative about, she is intensely uncomfortable.  She even admits her thoughts race with negative things, and being outwardly angry or mean is her way of calming her brain.  I truly believe if everything was peaceful and happy, she assume there was something unhappy just under the surface, and go looking for it, and if it's not there, create it herself.  She does this with me all the time.  I can be in a neutral or happy mood, but quiet, and that irritates her.  She will say "why are you so quiet, you are mad at me.  I know it!"  It must be hell living in her brain.  The sun can come up every day and she will find some way of saying that is a bad thing.

[karma_gal]

My personal opinion and observation of my dBPDgf is that her identity is formed by conflict.  If she doesn't have anything to complain about, be angry at, or feel negative about, she is intensely uncomfortable.  She even admits her thoughts race with negative things, and being outwardly angry or mean is her way of calming her brain.  I truly believe if everything was peaceful and happy, she assume there was something unhappy just under the surface, and go looking for it, and if it's not there, create it herself.  She does this with me all the time.  I can be in a neutral or happy mood, but quiet, and that irritates her.  She will say "why are you so quiet, you are mad at me.  I know it!"  It must be hell living in her brain.  The sun can come up every day and she will find some way of saying that is a bad thing.

WOW, I could have written this very same thing, and agree with you 110 percent.  These folks seem to embrace negativity and anger and carry it around with them like Linus and his blanket.  They marinate in it, roll around in it, and it forms their whole identity.  Like yours, my husband cannot be happy.  He simply won't allow himself.  Because if he did, then he wouldn't be a "victim" anymore, and then he's lost his entire identity. 

I was thinking along these same lines yesterday as it was "something" over and over and over again yesterday.  If he has been awake an hour and we haven't argued over something yet, he will set out to do one of the few things he knows will push my buttons and piss me off until I finally point out that he needs to knock it off.  Once that happens, he goes into his victim, poor me role and is fine again.  He can only function if there's chaos, conflict, and some reason for him to become a victim and be miserable.  I think that's why I hate having him at home.  There can never just be a peaceful day, ever.  He doesn't know how to function within the confines of peace.  If it's not an all-out war zone, created by him firing the first missile, he's out of his element and doesn't know what to do. 

Yesterday I was in the best mood I've been in, in a long time.  Didn't make sense because I had to pay my huge car repair bill, I had no work at all coming over which is the worst thing a freelancer can experience, and I had a pounding migraine.  So I had lots of reasons to be grouchy, but I wasn't.  I was so happy, grateful that I had the money to pay the car repair bill, that I had a day off after months of working 18-hour days, thankful that we had insurance to pay for the medicine to treat my migraine.  It drove him up a wall, and it was like he set out to do one thing after another after another until he finally got me to "break" and tell him to knock it off.  So the old adage about misery loves company is in full effect here.  If he's miserable and I'm not, he's going to find a way to make it happen. 

I laughed at the part about the sun coming up every day and her finding a way to make it a bad thing.  Mine does the exact same thing.  It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, and goes back to the other thread where we talked about believing they will only be happy when they finally die, because nothing here on Earth seems to do it.  Sad way to live, I tell you. 

[Wrongturn1]

Proud_Dad,

I can definitely relate to the scenario you described - that has happened to me multiple times.  It's particularly frustrating the way they will just conjure up a crisis where none reasonably exists.  And there's nothing we nons can do to prevent that type of self-created crisis... . the best thing we can do is to leave the room when the abuse starts (something I'm not that great at doing consistently).

A very recent example from my life of my uBPDw creating a crisis where none existed:  It was bedtime on Christmas night.  Just before bed, uBPDw, who had been complaining of a stomachache all night, unexpectedly offered to do what I would describe as a nominal sexual favor for me.  I said something to the effect of "that was not really on my mind tonight, but since you have generously offered, okay, I accept  ."  Instead of performing the aforementioned favor, she launched into a dysregulated rage, ranting that the fact that I accepted her offer, even when I knew   she was feeling ill and did not actually want to do it, showed that I did not value her as a person and proved to her that I couldn't be trusted since I would (in her mind only) accept the same favor from any who offered.  She also accused me of not placing the appropriate value/reverence on the aforementioned favor as an act of love between us, which seemed hypocritical, considering that she had offered me the same favor about a week before in exchange for me getting her a glass of ice water to drink (no kidding  ).  I made a few attempts at validation that were not well-received, then shifted gears and told her that (1) her behavior was disingenuous; (2) I cannot read her mind; (3) I assume that she actually means the things that she says; and (4) I will continue to assume she means what she says without attempting to read her mind.  I also refused to apologize for anything.  This actually went over better than expected.  She went to sleep and offered a BPD-style apology (you know, one that contains the word "but" and does not accept any responsibility) the next morning.  The injustice of this manufactured crisis really got me angry for several days, but I eventually got over it I guess.

[maxsterling]

Because if he did, then he wouldn't be a "victim" anymore, and then he's lost his entire identity. 

BINGO.  My girlfriend goes to AA meetings.  And I have gone to some meetings with her.  I have heard a few people in there mention that one positive of their addiction is that it led them to AA, so if they were never an addict, they would have never found that social atmosphere.  This is the philosophy my girlfriend has.  In addition to BPD, she has been diagnosed bipolar and PTSD.  She rarely mentions the BPD diagnosis, but often brings up the other two.  If she didn't have those, if she didn't have the traumatic childhood, she would have nothing.  And it is that mental illness and trauma that bonds her to her friends in AA.  She sometimes complains about AA in that people there are too happy and not real, and she identifies more with those in NA who are more screwed up.   Bing negative and having issues is what bonds her to the people she has claimed as friends or boyfriends the past 10 years.  She even says in her youth, she was attracted to those who were more wild and did more drugs, because she felt in good company with them. 

If she was happy, she would have NOBODY (in her mind).

[Proud_Dad]

Max,

I agree that the inner conflict pwBPD experience must be hell. My uBPDgf tells me all the time that she just cannot stop the negative thought from flowing through her mind. I truly believe that depression has a large part to play in the shaping of her thought process.  

The sun can come up every day and she will find some way of saying that is a bad thing.

Again, I agree... . if it’s sunny then it’s too hot. If it rains then it’s too wet.

Karma_gal,

In reading the posts here and through my own experiences I have come to realize that if the pwBPD is not feeling good then neither can anyone else around them. It’s the old "misery loves company" adage played out to perfection. I have always been a very positive person about situations in life and I try to point out all the good things in our lives, but for every (+1) I give her she multiplies by (-2) and finds a negative point in my happy thought

WT,

I could have written your post as well , they are loaded questions and there is no correct answer. I have even gotten raged on because I wanted to take care of her first, she took it as me not wanting her to take care of me.  Intimacy around our house is a VERY delicate subject, one step to the left or right and WHAM, dysregulation.

In the scenario that I described in my original post I was also screwed either way. If I changed the channel or something to that effect it would have been interpreted as me trying to hide my attraction the person on television. If I took no action as I did ( I truly was so focused on how much of a horrible person the lady on TV was that I didn't even notice that she was dressed inappropriately) I am a pig for gawking at women on TV. No win... .

Thank you guys for your posts, it helps me through my frustration to know that I am not alone on this ride.

[karma_gal]

Max,

I agree that the inner conflict pwBPD experience must be hell. My uBPDgf tells me all the time that she just cannot stop the negative thought from flowing through her mind. I truly believe that depression has a large part to play in the shaping of her thought process.  

The sun can come up every day and she will find some way of saying that is a bad thing.

Again, I agree... . if it’s sunny then it’s too hot. If it rains then it’s too wet.

Karma_gal,

In reading the posts here and through my own experiences I have come to realize that if the pwBPD is not feeling good then neither can anyone else around them. It’s the old "misery loves company" adage played out to perfection. I have always been a very positive person about situations in life and I try to point out all the good things in our lives, but for every (+1) I give her she multiplies by (-2) and finds a negative point in my happy thought

WT,

I could have written your post as well , they are loaded questions and there is no correct answer. I have even gotten raged on because I wanted to take care of her first, she took it as me not wanting her to take care of me.  Intimacy around our house is a VERY delicate subject, one step to the left or right and WHAM, dysregulation.

In the scenario that I described in my original post I was also screwed either way. If I changed the channel or something to that effect it would have been interpreted as me trying to hide my attraction the person on television. If I took no action as I did ( I truly was so focused on how much of a horrible person the lady on TV was that I didn't even notice that she was dressed inappropriately) I am a pig for gawking at women on TV. No win... .

Thank you guys for your posts, it helps me through my frustration to know that I am not alone on this ride.

The first thing I thought of when I read the bolded part was that this craziness with pwBPD is like a bad amusement park ride, but yet all of us continue standing in line for hours for our turn to ride the wave... . knowing we're going to be tossed, turned, flipped upside down, and come off of the ride puking... . only to get in line again.  Pure madness, this. 

[spuds_mckenzie]

I am new here but in the past year I finally came to the conclusion about my UBPDw "she's always gotta be fighting with someone".  It's like there's a Wheel of Fortune with friends, family, and colleagues on it, and every few days she gives the wheel a spin.  That person is the unlucky one, and all the others get a break.

During the rare times that there is no conflict she seems to sink into depression, so for awhile I was suspecting bipolar disorder.  This confused me for about a year.  It was the abandonment issues, the constant "everyone is out to get me" narrative, and the refusal to ever apologize that made me suspect that it wasn't quite that simple.

[karma_gal]

I am new here but in the past year I finally came to the conclusion about my UBPDw "she's always gotta be fighting with someone".  It's like there's a Wheel of Fortune with friends, family, and colleagues on it, and every few days she gives the wheel a spin.  That person is the unlucky one, and all the others get a break.

During the rare times that there is no conflict she seems to sink into depression, so for awhile I was suspecting bipolar disorder.  This confused me for about a year.  It was the abandonment issues, the constant "everyone is out to get me" narrative, and the refusal to ever apologize that made me suspect that it wasn't quite that simple.

You just summed up my mother to a tee, and the Wheel of Fortune is an awesome analogy, because that totally summarizes what my mom does, over and over and over again.  She has done this for years, triangulated between everyone, to the point where our entire family has been estranged for 20 years because everyone finally got sick of it.  She now concentrates on my older son, my dad, my brother and his wife, and of course every idiot that she works with.  When it's their turn, watch out, she comes full force.  Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when they get skipped over that day and sit back and watch one of the others take it.  It's a sick game, and I'm so glad I have no contact with them and have opted out of the game after realizing what she was doing.  Like your wife, when my mom runs out -- aka nobody wants to play her stupid game and they all get smart and leave her to her misery -- she sinks into a depression and drinks to the point of blacking out.  We've found her laying across roof rafter drunk before.  One way or another, she is going to be the center of attention, somebody is going to pay for her stupid mistakes, and it starts all over again. Exhausting! 

I'm so glad you found us and love that you are jumping in and posting.  We all seem to be pretty well grounded (and rounded) considering the hell we've lived through, so you're in good company here!  Aside from posting and talking to folks here, I spent two weeks, a little each day, going through the archives of staying and leaving.  I can't tell you how much clarity I gained from going through posts that mirrored my life so much it was as though I had written the post myself.  So while you're here, grab a cup of coffee and settle in and have a ball with us.  With your wife, buckle up, it's a rough ride

[spuds_mckenzie]

Thank you!  I am feeling so much better.