Do I stay or go? Help

[coastalfog1]

I’m new to the forum, though I’ve been lurking in the background reading old posts for a few weeks. I’m struggling with a decision whether to stay or leave my gf with BPD. I’d really appreciate any advice anybody has to offer. I’m pretty much a wreck and don’t know whether I’m crazy and blowing things out of proportion or what. Sorry for the length of the post.

So, a little background info. I’ve been dating my gf for about 4 months now. I was in my second quarter of grad school and working and she is a RN. Things were ok for the first couple months, we were both new to the area and exploring together, she showered me with all sorts of love and attention. Sex was amazing and I got to admit it was so nice to be with someone who thought I was interesting. I’ve ignored is the drinking and pill use. We’ve never had sober sex, but like an idiot I just overlooked it. I found out she had been lying about a lot of things. When I first met her she told me she was 36, in reality she’s 46. As for her job, yes she’s a nurse just not with the credentials she tells everyone.

Our first break up happened after the first month when I found she was put a personal ad up after telling me she took hers down. I confronted her and she turned it on me. Said she put it up for me to reread .I didn’t ask her to take the first one down just to be honest with me about what she’s doing. I walked away for a couple days but I missed her so much, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her. She sent texts about how big of mistake I was making and how no one was ever going to love me the way she did. We go back together, god I had missed her and things fell right back into the old routine. It was up to me to drive to her place, try and keep her hours, have sex when she wanted, then get her drunk self to bed when she wandered around while I was sleeping.

She was transferred again and things blew up. She was now 250 miles from me. She was supposed to come visit me starting on a Wednesday. That day came and went never heard from her. Thursday night, I asked her if she was coming and she gave me some song and dance. I told her not to bother. We broke up again and she went around texting people that I kicked her to the curb for a bunch of stuff I never did. She threatened me with the police telling them I stole her stuff if I didn’t go to the cleaners and get her clothes and send them overnight. She even made up some funeral story. Like a weak idiot the time before, I was so sad when she was gone I went back to her. I just miss her so much when I’m not with her, it hurts. At this point I’m utterly consumed with her. My life feels like a tornado and I’m not sure which way is up.

That brings me to last week, I went and saw her and Friday was great. She was loving and attentive. I went to sleep very happy and she seemed that way as well. Saturday night all hell broke loose. She freaked out on me about money at a restaurant. Told me I was not equal to her because I don’t make what she make. Told me my role is to be quiet and not back talk her. Apparently she was mad because I fell asleep the night before she was ready for me to. I get up at 3:30 am for work, I drove 250 miles after work to see her and I fell asleep at 2 am. She walked out and I paid. The dogs had been in the car. Mine had just had stomach surgery and had 40 plus staples still in. She continued to freak out then stopped in the dark, in a neighborhood I’ve never seen and tried to throw me out of the car, with the dog. I didn’t have my car, keys, or know where I was. I refused multiple time, picked up the phone to call cops and she finally drove me back to her place. She left for work and I was shell-shocked. She came in with flowers the next morning and acted like nothing was wrong. Got upset when I didn’t acknowledge the flowers. She had a few drinks took some Ambien she whined about me not loving her and whet to sleep and I left.

I’m supposed to go see her, she wants me to run her errands before I come, I refused and she got all bent out of shape. If I don’t go it’s over between us. I can’t stand the thought of losing her. I know she’ll be hooked up with someone else before I can bat an eye. I’ve seen a new personal ad up recently already. I’ve flunked out of my master’s program because of spend all my time with her, my heart is breaking even thinking about her not in my life. I’m so confused and fell like I’m stuck in a tornado. Am I making too much of this one incident? Maybe I’m being unfair to her. I don’t know what happened to that sweet loving person. Anyways sorry for the length of the post and thanks for any advice.

[spuds_mckenzie]

I think the underlying issues need to be figured out to get an idea where things are headed.  Even if she is diagnosed, are you absolutely positive she has the constellation of symptoms indicating BPD?  From what I'm reading it could also be bipolar behavior, and the mental issues from the addiction and drug use could be dominating everything.  Do you all argue a lot?  If so what are the dynamics like?

[coastalfog1]

  Do you all argue a lot?  If so what are the dynamics like?

We argue now all the time. If I use my phone she gets upset. Accuses me of talking to other women. If I try and talk to friends she says I don't love her if I listen to them I'm being disrespectful. She will up and disappear at the drop of a hat and be gone for days telling me she needs space or not saying anything at all yet if I don't answer my phone the second she calls I'm up to something. If she doesn't have control the world will come to a screaming end. She lies constantly  to my face and about stupid stuff,  and if I call her on it she blames me which is doing nothing for my behavior. Maybe if I just went along she wouldn't get so aggressive. I have no doubt the drugs and alcohol are a huge problem. Her dad is the one who told me about the diagnosis.

[HoldingAHurricane]

This might be blunt but in 4 months, in the rose coloured glasses, honeymoon period of any relationship she has: lied to you on several occasions, tried to leave you in the middle of nowhere with a sick dog and no means to help yourself, posted two personal ad's looking for your replacement, and only sleeps with you when she is intoxicated. Meanwhile, you have flunked out of your degree and feel like you live in a perpetual tornado. If this is how she projects her best self to you during the new love stage of a relationship, how do you imagine things might look 2 years down the track?

Kai asked the same question, maybe take at a look at what people feedback https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217246.0

[Learning_curve74]

Hi coastalfog1, I just want to offer you a warm welcome to the community. 

It does sound like very confusing behavior, that for the first couple of months your gf love-bombed you with attention and sex but then has sent you to the doghouse ever since. Are you hoping that your relationship will return to the original honeymoon phase from the first two months? Also, do you feel that you will desperately miss the companionship she offers you? It's often said that most people are on their best behavior in the first 6 to 8 weeks and then you start to see the genuine them come out as each person gets comfortable in the relationship.

While it's her behavior towards you that is more important than any particular mental health diagnosis, I would recommend that you read this article: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves. If you can recognize your relationship in the writing, then you'll have a better idea of where your relationship has been and where it might be going. I know that when I first read this article, it was disturbing as it described the relationship between me and my pwBPD to a "T".

Please feel free to keep reading and posting as you need to, coastalfog1. We are all here to listen to and support each other through the challenging times. 

[Free2Bee]

Welcome, Coastalfog1.

The first thing I want to say is you're *not* alone. I know from experience how isolating and frustrating it can be to be in a relationship with someone who meets BPD criteria (as it sounds like your gf does). Definitely stick around and read some of the posts on these forums. You may very well start to feel like you could have written many of them yourself!

I too am in the first months of a relationship with a gf who I now believe is an uBPD. The first six weeks or so were great, then things deteriorated and the first break-up happened. Then reconciliation, and so on... .

I noticed in my relationship, that same pattern of a really good day (characterized by loving behaviour, intimacy and closeness), followed almost immediately by a 'rage episode' and a pushing away. This push-pull pattern is common for people with BPD.

I hope you'll find the support you need here - I've found the advice and feedback on these boards invaluable. Good luck to you and feel free to private message any time you need support.

Be well,

Kai

[coastalfog1]

Are you hoping that your relationship will return to the original honeymoon phase from the first two months? Also, do you feel that you will desperately miss the companionship she offers you?


I desperately want the first 6 weeks of the relationship back. I felt loved and appreciated, like I was the most incredible person in the world. In real life I’m super shy and don’t make friends easily. It was such an incredible feeling to think this woman actually found me interesting but also desirable. I feel like I’ve screwed everything up because I’d get upset about the lying or confront her about the personal ads thing. I’m so incredibly sad just thinking about leaving. My heart is breaking and I’m left with nothing but blackness. The thought of never seeing her again is making me a blithering idiot, yet she doesn’t seem to feel anything. She just tells me she’s the best I’ll ever get and I’m making the biggest mistake of my life if I go. The few friends I had here split weeks ago because of her, I’m stuck in this new area with no friends and no support until I can save and move somewhere else. If I don’t stay with her I’m left with nothing but a lonely, bleeding heart while she’s off screwing the next person without a thought for me. Part of me wishes I had never met her.

[willtimeheal]

Coastalfog

I am sorry for your pain. Nothing is more painful then being put thru the ringer by a BPD.   As much as you want those first 6 weeks of the relationship back... . It isn't going to happen ever.  You will never get that honeymoon phase back no matter how hard you try or work for it. You have not screwed anything up... . You have stood up for yourself and she has twisted it. That is what a BPD does... . they manipulate and lie. My BPD stripped me of my self esteem and self worth. I got so caught up in her issues and problems and I kept thinking if I just love her more or try harder... . You can't fix or save this girl. And believe it or not... . She is not the key to your happiness. From what you have posted here it seems she treats you like ___. 

Read your post again aloud and this time where you have the word "I" insert some other guys name and pretend it was his story you were listening too.  What would you tell him? 

You are four months into the relationship. If this is what it looks like now and this is.how she is behaving. What will it look like or feel like in a year?  Don't invest anymore time. You deserve better. The biggest mistake you can make is staying with someone who treats you poorly and only cares about herself. You can do much much better. Walk away now.

[willtimeheal]

Coastalfog

The one thing that was very difficult for me to face and understand in my relationship with my BPD was that she was abusive. She wasn't physically abusive. She didn't hit or kick... . She was and is emotionally and verbally abusive. That was  the hardest part to come to terms with. Unlike physical abuse your scars and bruises are.internal so you don't see them right away. This girl is emotionally abusive. You spend all your time trying to please her, she takes off on you, she tells you you can't do any better than her, she doesn't feel anything. She is abusive and you are being abused.

If you can go to therapy go.  I have spent two years in therapy finding myself again and figuring out why I allowed this to happen to me. Drop this girl now. Sorry to be so blunt but I have been in your pain and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[coastalfog1]

Last night was another blow up and maybe the last. I was supposed to drive down to pickup a few things I had to return to school and see her. Five minutes before I was going to leave we ended up in the same argument as before. Run her errands before I came and saw her. I know it shouldn't bother me doing it but it's two hours out of the way on top of a five hour drive. I got so  upset and lashed out, said I needed her to want to see not just run her errands. I ended up not going. Her parting words to me were I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.She's completely disengaged from me, wont give me the stuff back, which i'm going to have to pay a fine for and replacement costs. I looked this morning and she already has a personal ad up and to make things worse it takes direct shot at me. I've been in tears all night and kicking myself because I should have gone. I lost my temper again and got hurt and made a decision on the spur of the moment. I'm broken, confused and don't know what to do.

[Surrender]

Listen friend if you are 4 months in than please listen to my words... . leave before you bury yourself so deeply inside them that you get lost.

There are many of us here that are buried and struggling for breath loving what is seemingly impossible. Leave... . heal and don't look back. You are young enough and strong enough. If I would have known I would have gone... . the thing is I've never loved anyone more and now I'm buried beneath so many layers that I can hardly determine what is what anymore.

Leave and breathe... . be free and love her from afar... . which is the only place that she is able to be loved quite possibly.

Don't do what I did... . and stay to the point where you are so entwined and so deeply embedded in one another that you are literally lost inside one another to the point where you feel like you can't exist without the other. To the point where you feel like you are dying inside without the other person who is your utter dysfunction and the maker of all your pain.

You will be twisted so inexplicably that you will no longer know who you are. So run free... . now before it's too late and develop healthy connections and hopes... . because to be with them is to be in a constant state of hopelessness and despair. It is utter pain and agony with a few moments of bliss and reprieve.