DD doesn't talk to counselors

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

We have had this ongoing problem since we started counseling over 2 years ago.  DD16 refuses to talk about anything significant with her counselors.  She is polite and nice but will shut down the minute a counselor tries to get her to talk about anything going on with her.  She was just released from the hospital yesterday and the therapist there said the same thing.  Is there even any point in going if she's not going to talk? 

We have family based counseling which consists of a counselor and case manager coming to our home twice a week.  Once for DD and once for parenting (an hour of fighting with dh) and family sessions.  I plan to tell them we're stopping the parenting and will only use time without dd to discuss issues dd is having and how to help her and cutting back on family sessions to once a month.  They're not going to like it, but tough on them.  I'm about sick of counseling.

I feel like we're hitting a brick wall ... the same danged brick wall we've been hitting for far too long.  I'm tired, depressed, sad (same as depressed?  Who knows but I feel sad and depressed, so maybe that means doubly depressed?) and beaten.  I'm so sick of hospitals and counselors and not having any progress.

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crumblingdad]

I feel your frustration.  I would guess we took our dd to somewhere in the vicinity of 20+ therapists with same issue over and over - rarely got past a first session.

Important to note that one on one traditional "talk therapy" is typically the least effective with BPD.  It's important you seek out therapists with DBT training as well as familiarity with BPD so they understand the nuances of connecting with your child.

Finding that right connection for your DD is critical and yet it is incredibly difficult with BPD.  If I could tell you the number of counseling sessions our DD had with her counselors that either her mother or myself attended and used for our own support because she was refusing to go it would be an astonishing number.

[jellibeans]

Well I was thinking exactly the same thing today about our family therapy. I do wonder if it is helping any of us? How do you know it is a good thing? I would like to hear about other peoples experiences with family therapy. Our usually is a forum for our daughter to verbal abuse us and accuse us of wrong doing. There is always a lot of crying and hurt feelings. I just never releave feeling we got any where and often it is just reliving the horrible most recent breakdown. There has to be something better?

As for my dd personal therapist... . My dd has had 3 therapist in here lifetime... . the one she is with now is the only one she has been able to make a real connection. She is really the only therapist my dd wants to see. In the past she has resisted going to anyone. I kept with the same therapist for her because I didn't want to start over again with a new one but I can see now that was a mistake. I really think there is a therapist out there your dd can connect with. This recent therapist does DBT and I do think she is able to give my dd concrete skills she can use. She is also the only therapist that has been able to help my dd be somewhat stable for longer periods of time.

I know things can seem very hopeless at times when we don't see progress but I do think our dd's are making progress everyday. Try not to get discouraged. Have hope.

[peaceplease]

crazedncrazymom,

Many years ago, I said the same thing when my dd was 15.  I wish that I would have continued my search for the right therapist.  My dd would  not talk, either.

Finally, when she was 17/18, she found a counselor that she was able to talk with.  I think it was because she was younger and the first one was older than I was.  Unfortunately, my dd stopped going when she thought she was happy with her exbf.  And, when she went to search for counselor she was no longer there.

Now, she is 29, and I believe that she likes her counselor.  Although, I have a feeling that she may drop my dd, as she has cancelled her last two appointments about an hour before it was scheduled.

Ideally, it would be great to find one that specializes in DBT. We do not have that in my area.  And, my dd is going to a T recommended by her counselor from methadone clinic.  From what my dd tells me is that her counselor at the clinic does not think too much of me.   I probably wouldn't either if I was him and believed everything that my dd said. She has a way of twisting things. 

But, I would be on the search for a better fit for your dd. Please don't give up while you still have control.  Once, she is an adult it is out of your hands. 

peaceplease

[BioAdoptMom3]

Our DD14 has been seeing a therapist for over two years and what you are describing is exactly the same for us when it comes to family therapy.  We had two sessions with her therapist and DH and me and after that we put a stop to it.  We were going absolutely nowhere.  DD likes her and responds to her, but she really didn't seem to have any idea about how to get us to communicate effectively, or even at all, with each other, at least not with DD participating.  Actually it seems to us that all our DD does is use her therapist to get us to do what she wants  !

Tired?  Depressed?  Sad?  Beaten?  Those are all adjectives which describe so many of us on this board!  You are so not alone!   

[crumblingdad]

Some tips and good resources on this topic that you may want to look at before throwing in the towel on finding the right therapist:

https://BPDcentral.com/therapists/choose-BPD-therapist/

Much of this is excerpted from Randi Kreger's book which has much of it focused on choosing a therapist for a loved one with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/essential-family-guide-borderline-personality-disorder


Hope it's helpful

[crazedncrazymom]

Thanks for the information and support.  Last night the counselors came and I told them we only wanted to do 15 minutes of parenting.  They tried really really hard to talk with us.  Again another hour and a half of arguing with dh.  He isn't supportive of dd especially when we're heading out the door to the hospital.  Although this time I did coach him a bit.  I told him to "get in touch with your empathy" and pointed to my face to let him know he was looking furious and shooting daggers at her.  That helped him and changed his attitude, but it sure didn't make it any easier for me. 

Here is something interesting they said:  I am not expressing my anger at her enough.  dh is expressing his anger too much or at the wrong times (heading out the door to the hospital)

My problem with that statement is that I'm not angry with my dd.  I do get frustrated that we are doing our part by checking in with her when we see she's in a bad place.  She denies it all the way up to the point where we're going to the hospital.  I don't know how to get her to be honest about what's going on with her.  If she is honest, I don't know what to do about it.  I'm feeling depressed mom.  Ok honey what are we going to do about it?  We come up with coping activities which may or may not work and when they do work it's only for a short time.

Unfortunately our insurance doesn't work with any of the counselors around here that do DBT and dh lost his job so we don't have money to pay out of pocket.

[jellibeans]

crazed

do you have any family that would be willing to take in your daughter for a short time? There might be a therapist close to tham that could help your dd... . I have thought of this myself for my own dd but all our family live in another country and it is too far but I have thought this might be the way to get my dd help.

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh gosh no.  Even if I did have family I trusted, I can't imagine anyone wanting to take on that responsibility.   I can't imagine trusting anyone to be as cautious either.  It's a good idea though.

-crazed

[jellibeans]

It is one option that I have toyed with but have never actively sought out a family member. I guess probably for the same reasons... . fear of what she would do but I wonder if that is just me trying to control the situation or would I feel badly asking someone to take on that huge responsibility?

I really feel though my dd tries with all heart to get free from our home... . she actually feels pretty safe here and her anxiety would not really let her leave.

[pessim-optimist]

Do you know what makes your dd uncomfortable in talking to the therapists? Perhaps she is not self-aware enough to pinpoint it. Even at that - she might have some important insight... .

Here is something interesting they said:  I am not expressing my anger at her enough.  dh is expressing his anger too much or at the wrong times (heading out the door to the hospital)

My problem with that statement is that I'm not angry with my dd.  I do get frustrated that we are doing our part by checking in with her when we see she's in a bad place.  She denies it all the way up to the point where we're going to the hospital. 

What are the counselors suggesting? How/when are you supposed to express your anger? Can they be more specific, give you examples of how to do it?

I may be totally off... . I wondered if perhaps they meant something like this: "Honey, I want to be there for you and I want to help you. When you do not let me know what's going on with you I feel really angry, and I feel helpless and frustrated that I can't help you when I would love to. What can you do to help us help you better? What can we do to make it easier for you to tell us?"

I don't know how to get her to be honest about what's going on with her.  If she is honest, I don't know what to do about it.  I'm feeling depressed mom.  Ok honey what are we going to do about it?  We come up with coping activities which may or may not work and when they do work it's only for a short time.

The second part of your statement might contribute to why she doesn't want to tell you: she might not want to worry you more. If she knows you don't know what to do about it, why worry and bother you?

I feel your pain though. I would feel just as depressed without the answers. But you know what? The temporary solutions are good too. They DO help (even if it's for just a while), while we look for better ways. Baby steps... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Pessim,

That's pretty much what the counselor told me to say.  DD yelled at me.  Poor thing is just hurting so much.  She knows exactly what the problem is.  Last night we had a pretty good talk after I found a box of broken mirror (to be used for cutting) in her room.  She agreed to write down what was going on and give it to her counselor.  I saw her writing in her journal after we talked so hopefully she follows through.  So like you said... . baby steps.

[peppersnap]

Hi crazed

Yes that's true of my dd too. The problem is she is so self contained polite etc in sessions they have no idea how volatile and unhappy she is at home. Or rather... they do - I've told them - but they contrast my description with the polite mature girl sitting in front of them and it's clear they think I'm neurotic and projecting.

The school met with the P yesterday and he went into my daughter's therapy session and said 'you're not being honest.' Hmm well maybe a child P should be more skilled at drawing out adolescents? No apparently it's my dd fault. No wonder she clams up around him.

It was like drawing teeth getting her into therapy - tried two years ago and went through three in quick succession. I read that conventional therapy is bad for BPD because without coping skills it just arouses their emotional state to unbearable levels leading them to unhealthy coping strategies which lead to shame and guilt and off it goes into an unhealthy spiral.

Family therapy seems like it often causes more problems than it solves. Is it worth having a discussion with your dd, asking if she finds it helpful or not? She may be resisting because it arouses her emotions. Maybe stop the conventional family therapy and find something for you and your dh based on stepps or dbt?

xxxx