I've decided to let go

[Free2Bee]

After my last post on this Board, 'Struggling with the decision', I promised that I would update when I figured out what to do.

I've come to a decision - actually, I think I really decided a couple days ago, but I started the process of detaching today. My SO left and has been NC for six days. I've decided to maintain the NC and not pursue the relationship. It's awkward because we didn't really 'break up' (she refused to tell me what her wishes were in this regard). But her NC speaks volumes and I think I need to detach and focus on my own needs now.

There were many factors that came into play in my decision making process, but I think the deciding factor was my SO's inability/refusal to understand the disorder or get treatment. I've done a lot of reading about BPD and my understanding is that even if my SO *does* get treatment, it's the behaviour that's modified, not the thinking. She'll never love me the way I truly want to be loved (even though there was an illusion of that love during our 'honeymoon phase'

And I don't think I'm a good candidate for a lifetime job as an 'emotional manager' for someone with a serious mental illness. I truly want an equal partner in a relationship  - someone who can support me as much as I support them. Put bluntly, I want someone who will hold my hand when I need to cry, not run away from me. 

Given that it's early in the relationship (3 months) with no ties between us, this feels like the best decision.

I really appreciate all of the feedback and help I received on this board. It's been a really horrible couple of days, but the information and support I've received here has been so invaluable as I figured out what to do.

I'm off to the 'Leaving' board now. I wish you all the best as you make your decisions.


Kai

[Surrender]

You are very fortunate and strong. I somehow think your words will stay with me. Best of fortune and goodness your way.

Take Care and thank you.

[Seneca]

it is a hard decision, but bless you for making it for yourself. take care of you, and hopefully she is gone for good and won't bring any drama into the detaching process. i hope you have a real life close friend or family member that you can speak with and who can support you in person, to help you stick to your guns. 

Godspeed.

[karma_gal]

I know how hard of a decision this had to be for you, but I totally think you are making the right decision.  That doesn't mean it's not going to hurt or that you won't look back someday and wonder "what if," but you are so much better than the way she was treating you and deserve so much more than she could ever give you.  Be kind to yourself as you go through the transition period, and then go out there and be awesome and find someone who can be a true partner and love you the way you deserve to be loved.  And if they have brothers, can you send them my way?  LOL