Why does every little decision have to be a BATTLE?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thanks.  Just venting.  I'll feel better!   

Trying to pick a parent coordinator, found a good one, of course exH rejects her.  I am going to work on it though.  Often he will come around, but it takes days of convincing and pointing out my reasons every time.  Today I got a headache right after i read his email.

Also will move to a smaller apartment across town, hate to do it, but need to save money.  Have to find a gentle way to tell him so he doesn't find a reason to object.  He can't legally object, right?  (We have joint legal custody, but I don't think it applies to moving less than a mile away?)  The new place is perfectly fine, safe area, but on a higher floor so he may say it's a fire hazard.  (sixth floor, not terrible).  I didn't want a high floor but there's a limit to affordable 2 br's around here.

[momtara]

Thanks.  Just venting.  I'll feel better!   

Trying to pick a parent coordinator, found a good one, of course exH rejects her.  I am going to work on it though.  Often he will come around, but it takes days of convincing and pointing out my reasons every time.  Today I got a headache right after i read his email.

Also will move to a smaller apartment across town, hate to do it, but need to save money.  Have to find a gentle way to tell him so he doesn't find a reason to object.  He can't legally object, right?  (We have joint legal custody, but I don't think it applies to moving less than a mile away?)  The new place is perfectly fine, safe area, but on a higher floor so he may say it's a fire hazard.  (sixth floor, not terrible).  I didn't want a high floor but there's a limit to affordable 2 br's around here.

[livednlearned]

He has no say in where you live!

Joint legal in my state is only about decisions that have legal implications. So health care decisions, education decisions. Even though my state is conservative, joint legal doesn't even apply to religious choices.

Where you live would only impact him if he had to drive a long distance that interfered with his ability to see his kids.

[DontPanic]

It was my experience that my ex picked on *Everything* I did. even things that were completely innocent. here's a for instance:

"He sent our child to school in his pajamas on friday"

my response:

Your honor it was Pajama day as noted by my sons teacher...

Its a hard way to live to be careful of everything you do even when it is innocent...

[livednlearned]

It was my experience that my ex picked on *Everything* I did. even things that were completely innocent. here's a for instance:

"He sent our child to school in his pajamas on friday"

my response:

Your honor it was Pajama day as noted by my sons teacher...

Its a hard way to live to be careful of everything you do even when it is innocent...

BPD sufferers tend to capitalize on fear, guilt and obligation -- yes, it's good to document and be careful about your choices so you don't experience blow back in court. But it's also good to get a handle on our fear, guilt and obligation issues. Otherwise we are helping ourselves feel bad when it isn't necessary.

[Nope]

If the move meant switching schools he might be able to raise that as an objection. if the new place is in the same school system he's out of luck unless he has substantial reason to believe the housing is unsuitable or unsafe. LnL is right, all these battles are just a form of control so it's better to roll your eyes than get scared.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes, a good approach in these situations is to offer 3 choices. "I have found 3 PCs to work with our case. Please let me know which one is your first pick and second pick. I can check to see if first pick PC is available. If not, we will go with your second pick, etc."

That way you get to vet three good candidates, and he will be curtailed in the number of instances he can obstruct you. Plus, you are offering him choices, telling him how you are going to proceed. In general, I don't ever ask N/BPDx to do something without having an action attached to it. For example, "If I have not heard from you by Friday, I will make the decision."

Or you put the action back on him, "Please find 3 PCs that you would like me to consider. If I do not hear from you by Friday, I will make a decision about which PC we use."

[momtara]

Giving him three just allows me to shoot my wad at once, though.  He rejects my top 3, then I'm out of luck.  If I give him one and he rejects that one, he feels more obligated to pick my number 2, and then if he won't, then he goes for number 3 and feels he won.    If I gave him all 3, he'd reject them all.

Gosh, way too much thought goes into all of this!  Anyway, turns out he's wililng to see my first choice IF she's available on a specific day next month.  Grrrr!  But I am making slow progress. 

[livednlearned]

Giving him three just allows me to shoot my wad at once, though.  He rejects my top 3, then I'm out of luck.  If I give him one and he rejects that one, he feels more obligated to pick my number 2, and then if he won't, then he goes for number 3 and feels he won.    If I gave him all 3, he'd reject them all.

Gosh, way too much thought goes into all of this!  Anyway, turns out he's wililng to see my first choice IF she's available on a specific day next month.  Grrrr!  But I am making slow progress. 

You know him best, so apply whatever strategy works. The main thing that works for me is making a closed offer. "Please pick this or that. If I don't hear from you by time/date then I will do xyz. If none of these choices work, then we will go with abc."