He turned my own mother against me

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I am relatively new here.  I am recently divorced from a 20 year marriage.  My x caused serious damage to my relationships. It was an unbelievable experience.  Hurt.

I have come to terms with the loss of community and I am welcoming a fresh start.  But I had one blow a few days ago that has left me shattered.  

When I first left I was such a mess and could not talk to anyone. It took me months to have any idea of how to explain anything.  By that time my x had everyone rallied around him and I was labeled crazy.  

My mother was the first person I tried to explain myself to, and explain my x's behavior.  She was not very receptive but I thought she believed me.  My x has also turned my children against me.  I met with my son at a therapy session a few days ago after not seeing him in almost 6 mobths(he is17)

I found out that my mother was campaigning against me with my x the entire time.  My son said to me "how can I believe you mom when your own mother doesn't?

Did this really happen?  

Yes I am afraid it did and I have no idea how to deal with my mother at this time.  My entire world has been turned off its axis due to him.  I am shocked.

I do feel better now that I am away though.  I feel like me again.  

One day at a time

[Waddams]

"I ask you to make your judgements based on the first hand, personal experiences between the two of us, and not what other people tell you."

You can't control what people think, or who they talk to, but you can bring up that their own experiences with you have been in conflict with the 2nd hand stories.  Other than that, don't try to justify or defend yourself to 3rd parties that are taking sides.  Look up JADE'ing on this site.  The idea is to not JADE a BPD because it doesn't work, but at least in my experience, also not JADE'ing 3rd parties that the BPD is trying to triangulate you with is more beneficial to you in the long run than any amount of engagement/communication with said 3rd parties regarding your issues with the BPD.

Instead, using SET with 3rd parties has been more effective in my experience.  Sympathy, Empathy, Truth.  And keep the truth basic to only what is important to 3rd parties.  For example regarding your son:

"I know it's hard to see your parents and family being ripped apart like this, and I wish so much I could make it better for you.  Just know that despite anything else that your father, or my mother, or anyone else says, I love you and will always do the best I can by you and the rest of the family.  Beyond that, I'm going to keep things between your father and I between him and I and I'm not going to really get into them with you.  It's not your problem, I don't want it to become your problem.  I just want things between us to focus on having the best relationship we can have, and to make sure that you're taken care of as your still my son and it's still my job to take care of you."

It will take time, and you'll have to let 3rd parties come to the conclusion that he's playing his BPD character assassination and painting you black games on their own.  But most people are smart enough to figure it out eventually.  Lots figure it out pretty quick.  That's what happened in my case anyway.

[momtara]

That's rough and very undermining.  However, I have had many experiences in my life where I believed one side, then heard the other and was floored by what really happened.  Try to hang in there and see if, over time, you can set the record straight.  It is hard when kids get brainwashed but they also have an instinct to love their mother, so make sure you come across as sympathetic rather than blaming.  There are others on this board more adept at these matters than I am, but I wanted to give you support and a virtual hug.

[ForeverDad]

Many people with BPD, NPD and other acting-out PDs are slick manipulators, accomplished liars and emotionally convincing.  However all the distortions in the world don't change the facts.  To the best of your ability document the past events with dates, locations, witnesses, etc that will disprove ex's claims or support yours.  Do the same going forward.  A major way to win your mother's trust back is to document your life sufficiently well that you can prove your account is true and disprove your ex's unsubstantiated claims.

Me?  I have used journals (weekly/monthly calendars starting with 2006 - I've just started my 9th one) where I wrote down major actions, both contact with ex as well as some of my parenting activities.  Also, as personal just-in-case insurance I've recorded myself whenever I've been in contact with my ex so I can always prove I'm not the one misbehaving.  (It worked so well that now my ex refuses to talk with me any more, so in the last few months she's switched to texting.)

Various books have been written dealing with the tactics our ex-spouses have used against us and to con others.  Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger wrote an excellent high conflict divorce handbook, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  As for how the children can be affected, Richard Warshak wrote Divorce Poison.

[maxen]

that's just horrifying Soulsisters. my stbxw turned our mutual friends (and her therapist) against me. that was bad enough, so i'm sending you my complete sympathy. the advise above is excellent. if the 3rd parties in your situation do not seek to find out your story, that's on them and not on you.

Many people with BPD, NPD and other acting-out PDs are slick manipulators, accomplished liars and emotionally convincing.

i'm 100% certain that my w was able to accomplish what she did this way, not by giving any detailed account of anything that happened.

However all the distortions in the world don't change the facts. 

thanks, i just needed to read that for myself.

[Soulsisters]

Thanks,

I just can't believe that it won't stop.  He won't stop doing this stuff to me. He sets me up to fail at every turn, he won't quit.

My world just hurts.  I try so hard, and then when I finally step ahead, he will do it again.  He told my son that I rarely get to see that I would take him to hockey for the first time ever.  He told him that because I was out of town.  He set me up again.

How the hell does he do this? Why?

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a personality disorder.  It's a mental illness impacting most negatively those closest to the person.  But often since it doesn't cause the person to behave too extremely to those not close to the pwBPD or the public, there is seldom ever a need seen to send the person to an asylum or institution.

Please, please, please, stop trying to figure out why your ex can so easily keep doing what he has been doing.  Yes, it doesn't make sense but that's basically a description of mental illness, isn't it?  Just accept that his social behaviors with those closest to him trigger him to behave that way.  You can describe how he behaves, even predict certain patterns of behavior - the longer you're here in peer support the better you will grasp that concept - but you can't really make sense of it.  It's simply just not normal.  Accept that.  Don't waste your precious energy on questions for which there is no good answer.  Please.

[momtara]

But Do feel free to vent here.  We understand!  I don't know how someone can do something so hurtful.  We've all been there.  It's terrible.  I think it will come back to bite him.  At least you can sleep at night knowing you are a good person.

[Waddams]

My world just hurts.  I try so hard, and then when I finally step ahead, he will do it again.  He told my son that I rarely get to see that I would take him to hockey for the first time ever.  He told him that because I was out of town.  He set me up again.

How the hell does he do this? Why?

I'm sorry.  I know this is hard to deal with.  At some point your son will figure it out.  This is something that I think you'd be okay showing your son documentation of some kind that shows his BPDdad knew you couldn't do what he was promising you would.  Then, a gentle statement to just ask your son to always verify plans with you, and to only believe something is real if he hears it from you. 

Is your son in T?  He's going to need some kind of help processing all this.  Is there at least a school counselor or someone he can talk to and get some perspective?

Next, it's probably time for much tighter boundaries with your BPDxh.  He obviously doesn't need to know when you are or aren't in town.  The less he knows the better.  For the moment, I'd recommend going silent on facebook, twitter, etc.  Anything he could conceivably find to check up on you.  I'd also go into secret mode with family/etc. that he is in contact with (maybe even those that he isn't... . never know how the things could circle back to him).  Cut him off from knowing what's going on in your life.

FYI - my current SO (not a pwPD) dealt with a bunch of this sort of thing from her PDxh.  He had custody to start with after their split, and she'd show up to pick up for visits, etc.  They'd be gone, then he'd tell their kids mom didn't show up, mom sent a message she wasn't coming, etc.  She had a horrible time with her kids until she figured out exactly what all was going on.  His abuse escalated and she eventually kidnapped the kids and got an emergency hearing where a judge reversed custody after she documented his severe abuse of the kids.  But before that, she literally could have been arrested for kidnapping as she just swiped them from their schools and fled out of state.  She came back for court, then went and got the kids and brought them back after she had the temp. orders.  At least I think that's what happened.  Complicated story, the moral of which is as long as you can show a court that you are acting in the kid's best interest, you can get away with a lot!