texting

[Imreadytodate]

she keeps texting me asking about my work schedule, baiting me into answering questions that make it look like I work too many hours. Can I tell her to stop playing games via text or do I just ignore them?

[Matt]

she keeps texting me asking about my work schedule, baiting me into answering questions that make it look like I work too many hours. Can I tell her to stop playing games via text or do I just ignore them?

What is your relationship with her now - are you still married and living together?

Usually the best thing to do is ignore anything that isn't appropriate.

[ForeverDad]

You share and divulge information when you're in a healthy and functional marriage or trying to save a damaged one.

However, if the marriage is imploding or is headed to divorce, then you must be extraordinarily careful about any information you divulge and share.  Also don't expose yourself to interrogations, pressuring, manipulations or blaming.  Generally the only details you discuss are parenting information, such as child exchanges, informing the other parent about any major events on your parenting time such as a trip to the doctor, etc.

Yes, you can discuss other things that might resolve lesser issues, division of property, payment of bills, things like that.  But you do not have to continue a conversation if you feel it is inappropriate, pressuring, interrogating, guilting, blaming, etc.  It is okay - and in many cases necessary - to hang up, not answer or defer questions to your lawyer.

[livednlearned]

Can you restrict communication to email? My parenting order says text is for emergencies only, which was my Ls advice. N/BPDx texts me, but there is no expectation that I will respond because I can always refer to the order.

I find email is easier to archive for documentation purposes. I used Gmail, and then sent emails to Google calendar so I could print out a chronological timeline to help me prepare for court.

[ugghh]

To use a term from another board that I have been on - the answer to your question is radio silence.

My stbx has tried many of the same tactics.  In the first week or two after I moved out she would call under the pretense of trying to reach one of our sons and essentially using every trick in the book to more or less imply that I was actively preventing her from seeing the kids and similar to yourself I smelled a setup, particularly when she called on the phone. 

I quickly learned to dash off a quick email to document both the call and the action that I took.  For example,

STBX,

As I stated in the just completed call, I understand that you wish to speak to <insert child's name here>, however he is still sleeping.  I tried a couple of times to rouse him however he just asked me to tell you that he will call you later and went back to sleep.

I will again remind him to try and call once he is full up

Me

[Imreadytodate]

yes,

we are still living together after 18 month long painful divorce with no light at the end of the tunnell

[livednlearned]

yes,

we are still living together after 18 month long painful divorce with no light at the end of the tunnell

That is really, really tough. It makes the boundary work so much more difficult.

[Realization]

Can you simply respond with "my normal schedule" - not committing to anything or giving her more ammo?  If she's frequently texting/requesting this info., however, then I'd remain in the relm of "silence is golden" and record all the harrassing requests.  Are there children involved?  Does your schedule change week-to-week? etc.

[Imreadytodate]

2 children involved 9 and 7. She now has texted me saying the texting only idea was mine.

[Matt]

You're going to have to sort out what's essential to respond to, and what isn't, and consistently ignore anything that isn't constructive urgent.

Don't get drawn into debates or arguments.  If it's an appropriate subject, just state your decision, and then do what you say you will do.  "I will be working every day this week, from 8:00 to about 5:00."

If there's a change:  "I will be working late today, home about 6:00."

Double-check everything and make sure you are not communicating any emotions at all, and not leaving things open-ended.

[sfbayjed]

I have an Iphone which is great because i can take screenshots of text and copy them into an email.  I can also block her from calling me or texting me, which I do sometimes except that  I will unblock her an hour before its her time to call the kids, then block her again after her call.  Plus when she accuses me of denying  phone contact I can take a screenshot of the call history and email it to my lawyer. I can monitor my email as well.  The perfect phone for the non-BP