Accepting The Reality

[parent of bpd daughter]

Happy New Year to all of you dear souls here. I have starting out good. My BPDD, now age 33, became a parent this year and of course, immediately began the inevitable manipulations and controls using her newborn. Luckily she lives 4 hours away so we have physical distance as much a emotional distance and she is in what she call "a happy relationship" which all others see quite differently of course.

In my own therapy, I have really really for the 1st time now - in 15 or so years - LET IT BE! LET GO! I no longer feel a much guilt, no longer want to "save her", no longer feel if she died, I would die too. I think this child her partner conceived helped me get to this place. I just don't want to be part of her drama anymore and I feel now that she has made the choice to become a parent herself - the onus is on her now - to choose right from wrong.

There were no visits over the holidays - just 1 phone call that she made to me, and talked longer than I really wanted to listen. All the same ol stuff - and now problems with her inlaws consistenly coming over unannounced blah blah blah. I don't really care anymore. I really feel nothing for this "grandchild" or any maternal feelings any longer. I don't feel guilt about that either. I am human. I will not let society play mindgames with me. She is 33 yo - I am no longer legally required to care. Morally, I have done all I can and more. I wish her the best of course and happy for her newborn - but it's like the happiness I feel for a co-worker's newborn - detached. Nothing maternal or familial and no longer driven by guilt.

It is sad, at times I still grieve what could have been between a mother and a daughter, but BPD or not - she has made choices and I choose to seek my own happiness now.

I hope that some of you here can someday get to this point if you need to - because the alternative is to spend your entire life embroiled in emotional turmoil with someone that may never get better.

Namaste

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Verbena]

This really struck a chord with me because as much as I want grandchildren, my DD28 is so ill-prepared to be a mother.  She talks of trying to get pregnant in a couple of years, and it terrifies me.  I can see her being jealous of my affection toward a child, I can see her accusing me of not helping enough, and I can see her putting me in my place if I help/care too much.    And I can definitely see her using a child as manipulation. 

We're not there yet so I shouldn't borrow trouble.  Don't feel guilty that you are detached from this baby.  That's your defense mechanism kicking in and is probably for the best.  After awhile, you just get numb--because it's easier.  Hang in there. 

[lever.]

I also think you are protecting yourself. I have allowed myself to love my grandchildren and at the moment I am suffering for it. It's sad that you can't participate fully emotionally but I think you are wise to have a bit of emotional distance. I hope tings go well for you.

[qcarolr]

parent of BPD daughter

It is good to find peace with this for yourself at this time.

It is sad, at times I still grieve what could have been between a mother and a daughter, but BPD or not - she has made choices and I choose to seek my own happiness now.

We each owe this kindness to ourselves. So much is given to our troubled kids as they have grown up. It is also Ok to grieve in kindness to ourselves when those feelings come up. It is a balance to preserve our boundaries to seek our own life and keep a connection with our grown child.

I struggle so with finding this balance for myself. I practiced this detachment with my gs, now 6 and doing well in an adoptive home 1000 miles away. I see his smiling face on facebook. My DD no longer blames me for his loss - that I did not rescue him for her. He was placed in the foster adopt family at 5 months.

And I am also coming to accept my place as the responsible parent for my gd, now 8. And this requires me to at last accepting I must let go of my BPDDD27. Both for DD's need to rely on others in her life for help, and to be here 100% for gd. Gd is asking the hard questions and sharing painful stories with improvements with treatment for her ADHD that seems to be working well. So now I get to revisit my side of these stories holding gd's perspective in my heart as I respond to her.

A peaceful life - this has been one of my desires for a long time. Thanks for sharing you path to this place with us parent of BPD daughter.

qcr