What to do next?

[lever.]

I posted for the first time just after Christmas. I had been looking at the boards for a long time for help in relating to my DD now aged 33 who has a history of suicide attempts, eating disorders and self-harm. I have identified a lot of her difficulties as being consistent with BPD eg emotional regulation difficulty, difficulties in relationships. Things had improved to a degree over the last few years but there was a horrible blow up over the holiday.

It is a long and complicated tale of DD's actions leading to conflict with other family members which eventually led to her being excluded from Christmas Day.

On this occasion I took a back seat and didn't prevent or add to the situation. As you can imagine I immediately received a text message asking me not to contact her again and informing me that I will not see my 3 young grandchildren again as I have made it clear where my loyalties lie. (This is a highly condensed summary- the situation is complex and I feel very distressed and torn). I have not heard anything for 3 weeks. There is a long history and my DH and other DC have clearly reached their limit.

I have bought and read Valerie Porr's book this week ( I had already read a lot about DBT) and I am thinking of trying to write a letter to DD with a lot of validation in it to try to repair things. I love my daughter and don't want a rift and I am desperate not to loose touch with my grandchildren ,who I love dearly. My own mindfulness practice is helping me try to take a wise mind approach.  My DH thinks I should wait it out for DD to contact me but I wonder if she will interpret this as lack of concern? Also i do agree that her behaviour was out of order and very upsetting to her sister, I don't want to appear to condone it. I'm all mixed up between boundary setting and validation and desperately upset. Have found reading other threads helpful. Does anyone have any ideas for me. Would it be better just to radically accept?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I think writing a letter to her is really a good idea. There is a chapter in porrs book which talks about just that. My dd16 has really responded well when I have sent her a letter. I am sorry things got so explosive. Have you thought about giving porrs book to your other daughter so she can practice these skills as well? Reducing the conflict is key. My older daughter is not always very supportive of her younger sister. Be careful of being put in the middle of them both. That is a fine line to walk.

[co.jo]

I am probably the last one to give any advice, since my daughter hasn't spoken to me since July, but I would advise you to read a bit more of Porr's book, it helped me more than any other book and I've pretty much read them all, and I don't think a few more days will hurt. It might give you some time to decide what you want to validate, and you can mentally rewrite your letter a few times before you actually write it.But I think the letter is a good idea.

[qcarolr]

Writing the letter is a great idea. Then put it aside for a bit. Then write it again. Porr's format has worked well for others. Having a mindfulness practice adds so much to being able to figure this out. If you want or need any feedback on this letter, let us know.

The connection you have with your grandkids - this is important for them too. Let us know how this goes for you.

qcr

[lever.]

Thank-you for your kind answers. I am in a real dilemna between re-enforcing very bad behaviour towards her sister and offering an olive branch so that the relationship between me,my daughter and her children doesn't break down.  I drafted one letter but after reading Valerie Porr it was too business like and not nearly validating enough.I have decided to write something much more radically genuine, I have nothing to loose. I'm going to be careful with this and take my time as its so important. I will post for feedback. Some of the people I really respect on this board have replied to me. Thank-you.

[lever.]

Well I've written the first draft of a letter trying to validate her anger and hurt at being excluded from Christmas and telling her that I love her too much to risk our relationship breaking down without trying to repair things. I,m afraid of posting the whole thing in case of it  being seen. There is a bit in the middle where I try to use a bit of mentalization to try to get her to look at the argument from her sister's perspective. I'm worried about this bit. It may create a barrier but if I don't include it I could be validating the invalid and telling her that its ok to invade peoples privacy and cause trouble for them. I haven't said that she was at fault -just tried to help her see another perspective. I've also made it clear that we all make mistakes and that sometimes, even if we have the best of intentions we can get things wrong (which I've certainly done). I have asked about contact with the GC but focused mainly on repairing things between her and me. I'll put it aside now and look at it in a day or two. Opinions on the awkward middle bit welcome. I feel a bit better for having taken some action.

[Being Mindful]

Well I've written the first draft of a letter trying to validate her anger and hurt at being excluded from Christmas and telling her that I love her too much to risk our relationship breaking down without trying to repair things. I,m afraid of posting the whole thing in case of it  being seen. There is a bit in the middle where I try to use a bit of mentalization to try to get her to look at the argument from her sister's perspective. I'm worried about this bit. It may create a barrier but if I don't include it I could be validating the invalid and telling her that its ok to invade peoples privacy and cause trouble for them. I haven't said that she was at fault -just tried to help her see another perspective. I've also made it clear that we all make mistakes and that sometimes, even if we have the best of intentions we can get things wrong (which I've certainly done). I have asked about contact with the GC but focused mainly on repairing things between her and me. I'll put it aside now and look at it in a day or two. Opinions on the awkward middle bit welcome. I feel a bit better for having taken some action.

Most likely she will view your attempt to look at it from her sister's perspective as being judgmental and that you are taking that side. Take all reference out about her sister. You are trying to repair with her, and discussion about perspective (who's right, who's wrong) might backfire.

[lever.]

Yes, that's what I feared. For myself I've been hit, lied about, insulted and still come back but when it's directed at DD2 I feel disloyal just brushing it under the carpet completely. In the past I've asked DD2 to be really accommodating. I'm getting confused. I guess I feel angry with DD1 even though I'm so sad about the rift and I also feel that she is punishing me unfairly via the DGC.

Anyone not understanding BPD would not see this as an argument between two sisters but as vindictiveness in one direction.

My DH can't understand why I'm not setting boundaries and making DD1 face some responsibility for her actions. I know that's not going to happen and if I don't act I can see an estrangement with DD1 and DGC on the cards. So difficult to know how honest to be with her. Will put letter away for a while and try to decide whether to take out or modify middle bit. Thanks

[qcarolr]

I know it is really hard to put all the focus on just the one-on-one relationship between your and D1. Maybe it is a mom thing to be driven to expect sibling to make amends. That is really between the sibs.

Working toward a healthier r/s means finding common ground that has potential to tiny steps to positive words between the two of you. I would even consider, at this first step, to leave out references to gc. That can come a bit later in the process.

Takes courage - you are taking courageous steps.

qcr

[lever.]

Thank-you both of you for your constructive comments. Yes I have to make sure she feels valued for herself, if she thinks I'm only trying to find a way to see the children or to mediate with her sister it won't succeed. DH really disagreeing with me but I think I need to sort things between the two of us first and deal with everything else later. DH says "there's being soft and being weak and you're being weak" but I think I'm just trying to do what has the best chance of working.

[Being Mindful]

Ask yourself, what is your priority here in this situation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

hi lever-

First, a belated welcome to the boards. It seems like you have already learned a lot.

Regarding your husband's point of view... . he is trying! However, maybe it would be helpful for him to "see" that the tools here can, in a way, open a secret door.

I started off dealing with my SD, who was 14/15 when I first joined the family, as need firmness, structure, tough love, uncompromising and unflinching adherence to family values. I was kind of like a ram butting my head against a very strong and impenetrable wall.

When I learned the tools, I found a secret door. The outcomes of slipping through the tiny door have yielded the same things I was hoping for with the battering ram I was using before.

I struggled a bit at first, asking myself why my belligerent, angry, acting out SD should be handled with such soft gloves. It didn't take me long to figure out and see solidly that the reason for using these tools is that they work. So why not use them, I asked myself, if the outcomes were what I hoped for... . to open the door to a better relationship.

We are, as a family, on some sort of cusp of my SD being a "better" person and by this I mean, her mental illness is lessening and she is gaining (very slowly) coping skills for the world she is so at odd with. The benefits are far reaching, my relationship with her AND my DH has improved. I am better able to help him to help her, which is as it should be. He feels enough guilt about this situation without me telling him he is doing it wrong!

Patience, I continually find, is the key that opens the big door that leads us to the hall of doors that open the smaller doors of success. Others have suggested that you take one small step at a time. That is solid advice!

Thursday

[lever.]

Thank-you everyone. I'm starting to see more clearly. 1st priority= to re-establish contact and be there for DGC, everything else can wait!

I'm trying to solve everything in one go -tiny little steps!

I'll just have to try to improve things between myself and DD first. DH not in frame of mind to read anything at present. Saying this is the straw that broke the camels back and he is ready to go NC. This is likely to change if I just do what I need to do and don't argue. You have all been a great help. Thanks

[Being Mindful]

Thank-you everyone. I'm starting to see more clearly. 1st priority= to re-establish contact and be there for DGC, everything else can wait!

I'm trying to solve everything in one go -tiny little steps!

I'll just have to try to improve things between myself and DD first. DH not in frame of mind to read anything at present. Saying this is the straw that broke the camels back and he is ready to go NC. This is likely to change if I just do what I need to do and don't argue. You have all been a great help. Thanks

And, it is ok that he goes NC. It may feel awful, but everyone has to accept the reality of the situation and where everybody is at. Your husband and healthy d. get to be mad and you can be where you need to be. Work on you first and how you interact with your d., then things have a chance to start falling in place.

[jellibeans]

Dear lever

I am glad you are finding so much help in Porr's book... . it really has helped me a lot... . hope your dd response well to your letter. I agree with other have said about keeping sister out of things... . use validation and talk directly with whay you are sorry for... . this letter is not to convince your dd of her faults or wrongs... . keep it short but be open.

[lever.]

With your help I have got to something I'm happier with now. Wrote it with Porr's book by my side for reference. It's not too long and doesn't go into the rights and wrongs of the situation, so I'll post it tomorrow and wait and see. I only referred to the GC briefly, stuck to reaching out to DD. Hope she reads it and doesn't rip it up on sight, will keep a copy anyway. Feel a bit more "detached with love" now. I have done my best and its up to DD now. Thank-you for your support.

[co.jo]

I wrote a validation letter to my daughter today too! saying I am sorry for a couple of major issues from the past- let's hope they both work out- my daughter's birthday is today, and I haven't talked to her since July.

[lever.]

Hope she responds well to it co-jo. It's been wonderful to finally post on this board. I'll be thinking of you, let me know if you get a response.

[jellibeans]

I have to say I really think the letter helped me feel better as well... . not that is what I was trying to do but I did feel good about reaching out to my dd and telling her what was in my heart and wishing I had made better choices at times when I just didn't have the skills to cope... . please let us know how it goes

[lever.]

Yes, it has helped me feel more peaceful and that I have tried my best. Its posted now. DH not happy with me, he thinks I'm making a mistake but "wise mind" tells me otherwise and I'm happy with my decision. I would love to hear what responses you get to your letters. Some of you I can see from other posts are in similar situations, caught between BPD child and siblings. Sympathies! Its like walking a tightrope.Sorry we have these difficulties but good to talk to people who understand them.

[jellibeans]

Lever

I wrote my letter to my daughter several months ago when she was in RTC... . she didn't want to be there but after several suicide attempts we could no longer keep her safe at home. She was angry and hurt. She had tried to run away from the center... . it was such a mess and she was not taking our calls and would not talk to us... . the letter opened her heart and somehow touched her and she called that night crying... . that is what I try to remember always... . no matter how much pain I feel my dd is feeling even more... . and she doesn't know what to do with the pain. She would rather die than feel the way she feels... . here is a quote I love

Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it most

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Will remember that, thanks, it will keep me going.

[lever.]

RESULT! i have an e-mail. Its an angry one but its still contact. It says DD doesn't want to have a relationship with me but that I can correspond with the grandchildren... Many people would find it an upsetting e-mail but its a starting point. Thank-you for your help I will now remember tiny little steps and keep validating

[co.jo]

That is awesome! I am glad for you.

[lever.]

Thank-you co-jo. I am thinking about you and hoping you get a response. We are in a similar situation, caught between BPD and sibs. My DD is very angry with me but at least a door to communication has been opened. Oddly she now wants a relationship with her sister but not with me. I'm going to refuse to be put in the middle and tell her that she will have to communicate directly with her sister. The experience of other posters here prevented me from making mistakes in my initial letter. Thanks

[Tolou]

Hey... .

From my experience with letters, do not make it too long or accomodate too much.  Just be honest, that you care and your hurt and know that sitaution was difficult.  Don't take blame for things that you didn't do and don't complicate the letter to too much.  Just pur forth something that she can see you care and your reaching out... .

I didn't get a very rational response, or the response that I hope from my letter, but people are different and hopefuly she wil respond well to yours.  Try to make contact, then go inot th other stuff slowly, this is just food for thought, you have a alot of sggod suggestion on the board, good luck.  NO enabling. Both daughter are important, and she is a mother too, she needs to responsible in how her behaviors, actions and words effect other people, including you and her sis.

[lever.]

That's my dilemna Toulou. I think I probably have crossed into apologizing for things I didn't do but I do have the outcome I hoped for. However other DD is saying that  I absolve her sister from all responsibility and that I am giving the message that only DD1 matters and DD2 has to accept whatever she dishes out.

I'm treading a fine line all the time. I can certainly understand why DD2 is hurt and upset but I'm also trying to validate DD1's feelings. Thank-you for another view

[co.jo]

Thanks for asking about my situation- I haven't heard a word. Don't know if she even read it, but I know I have done what I can for now. I am going to ask my other 2 kids to read the first 2 chapters of Valerie Porr's book as my birthday present, but that is not till May.