I feel so sad and helpless

[femom]

My d19 has been suffering for years with depression, anxiety, social isolation and now probably BPD.  I just feel so sad when I think back about her childhood and the happy times and wonder if there was somewhere during that time when I could have done something differently to make the outcome different for her.

I hate fighting with her and we usually don't but sometimes I am just so exhausted I can't be validating and the situation just explodes.  I am a single parent and am feeling the burden of responsibility.  I am usually able to deal with all of this by seeing my friends, taking care of myself by exercising but lately it is overwhelming me.  I am finding the more depressed I become, the less effective I am at helping my d. 

I feel a little better just writing this and getting it off my chest.  Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TopsyTurvy]

Femom, sorry you are feeling so sad. It is difficult to see our children suffer and wonder if we could have prevented it. I don't think you are responsible for your dd's mental disorder. It sounds like you are a loving and concerned parent. It must be hard to be a single mom and feel like all the responsibility lies on your shoulders. I don't know how I could do it alone without my husband to give me some respite.

It seems like you are doing a good job of taking care of yourself by getting out with friends and exercising. That is so important. I was wondering if you have ever considered counselling for yourself. I have been considering going that route myself because it seems like a lot of people on the boards have benefited from that. Do you think it would help if you had someone like that to talk to? Someone who could be there just for you?

I know it helps me just to come to these boards and lurk and feel as though I am finally around people who get it because they have walked that same road.

I will hold you in my prayers and hope that you can find some peace.

[femom]

Thank you topsy turvey.  Yes, I do have a therapist who I see occasionally and who also knows my daughter.  I know some people think that is an odd situation, but I have found it helpful since she is familiar with the whole situation.  I have been sick with a virus and not able to exercise the past two days so hopefully I will be back to my routine soon.

Yes, it is hard to be on my own and to shoulder all the responsibility.  On the other hand, some things are easier because she can't pit two parents against each other.  Thanks for your prayers

[pessim-optimist]

Hello femom, 

Considering that you have been shouldering this on your own (it's a good thing you have a therapist) - give yourself a pat on the back, it's so hard sometimes and so stressful... .  

When the situation explodes - have you tried to take a "timeout"? It's basically taking some time away safely, so the situation and emotions can come down to a manageable level, assuring the person w/BPD that you would be back. And it also models healthy behavior to your loved one, and perhaps over time they will learn it too.

Here's a link that describes it well, you might find it helpful to reduce stress:

TOOLS: how to take a time out

Let us know what you think, and please ask any questions you might have - we are here to support you... .

[MammaMia]

femom

Welcome to BPDF.

Many of us have been exactly where you are.  There is such pressure and chaos all around us.

Learning about BPD and how to cope with a child who has it is paramount.  As parents, we often blame ourselves (or believe others blame us) for the crazy things our kids do.  It is human nature.  But when things become totally out-of-control we need to recognize our limitations.  We need support and comfort from others who understand this devastating disorder.  

This site will give you the tools to see your dd's mental illness for what it really is and suggestions on how to communicate with her and cope with the symptoms of BPD.   The fact you are both in therapy is a great start... .  you also need to take care of you.

We are so glad you are here.  Thank you for joining us.