Help with anxiety and lack of sleep

[feelingcrazy7832]

Thanks to all of you on your recent advice of how to handle a false claim to CPS and my recent filing for a PPO. I recently started seeing a therapist to help myself cope with all of the destruction caused by my recent relationship with a BPD who is also an addict. The therapist has given me some pointers on what to do with the lack of sleep but the anxiety and fear and confusion is overwhelming at times. It's not helping. I wake up and the first thing I think about is either the CPS claims, the PPO and how someone could do some of the horrid things my ex could do.

I've been reading as much as I can here as well as some addiction stories and it fits my ex exactly but it doesn't help with letting go of the events that happened and the shock of how my ex has behaved. I haven't slept through the night since that CPS agent walked into my home over a month ago. I recall the RAGE of my ex one night threatening to call CPS to the next week telling me I'm the best mother he's ever seen, to me finding pills on him to him then turning into a raging maniac who would lie to my face even after caught and rage and then go into silent treatment mode. To then, the ultimate end, him telling me he wanted me dead and wanted to slit my throat because his family called looking for him and I confessed to them I found drugs at his house after he spent 30 days in jail. This from the person who told me he loved me to no end and only cared about his future with me.

I play things over and over in my head and it's traumatic and shocking. The lies are unbelievable. I couldn't lie like that even if I tried. I used to be this independent, happy, focused person who was on top of the world before I met him. Now I can barely function at work to make it focusing through the day. The CPS agent called my daughter's father (who is not my BPD addict ex) and said to him that there is "more than what he knew." I told my daughter's father every allegation that was made when that agent walked into my home a month ago. My fear of getting that PPO was that my spiteful BPD/addict ex would retaliate in one of his rages by telling CPS even more lies when he's in crazy rage mode. Now I know my fears are true. She wouldn't even tell my daughter's father over the phone what allegations were and said they can only tell him face to face. The CPS person was supposed to go to his other daughter's school last week and never showed up. She never came to his home so now we still wait. It's been five weeks and we have no answers.

Do these BPDs even understand the destruction they cause and even feel an ounce of remorse or understanding for what they've caused by their rages and their lies? My ex BPD told me after the initial call was made he was truly sorry, sick to his stomach and would do anything to fix all of this (even though he denied making the call., that I was the best mother in the world, that he feels sickened by all of this etc. To then less than a week later hate me so much he wanted me dead and kept texting over and over "you have no idea how much I hate you, I want you dead, all kinds of horrible names, etc"

I have to try and get my day going here. I just want this to all end and have some peace in my life again. I want to sleep peacefully and I want this anxiety gone. Sorry for the vent. It's all just very confusing.

[ForeverDad]

Do these BPDs even understand the destruction they cause and even feel an ounce of remorse or understanding for what they've caused by their rages and their lies?

Who can say for sure?  However, trying to figure out that question can leave you running in circles and that's not healthy.  Better to accept What Is and proceed from there.  Personally, I believe many do realize what they do, even it is only at a lesser level of cognition.  Otherwise, how could they later handle and manage all their lies and allegations without tripping themselves up more than they already do?

My ex BPD told me after the initial call was made he was truly sorry, sick to his stomach and would do anything to fix all of this (even though he denied making the call, that I was the best mother in the world, that he feels sickened by all of this etc. To then less than a week later hate me so much he wanted me dead and kept texting over and over "you have no idea how much I hate you, I want you dead, all kinds of horrible names, etc"

To a large part it can be viewed as "crocodile tears" since he's been caught out on his behaviors, or could be, and so he's trying to avoid or minimize his consequences.  AS for the rest, view it as an aspect of his instability, his unpredictable and inconsistent patterns.  Predictably unpredictable.  Consistently inconsistent.

Sorry for the vent. It's all just very confusing.

And that's also by design, whether consciously or not.  If you're confused and it just doesn't make sense then you might allow the disinformation, blame shifting and distortions to continue and distract you from finding more helpful responses.

By definition mental illness does not make sense, otherwise it wouldn't be an illness, right?  So although it can be described, categorized, charted and whatever, it STILL won't make sense in a normal world.  And this is an insidious sort of mental illness, your ex isn't drooling, your ex isn't talking to aliens, so your ex isn't likely to be incarcerated or confined to an asylum just for behaving poorly.  Accept that.  Don't waste your precious reserves of energy and strength flailing at the wind in the dark of night trying to figure it out.  Accept What Is and Move On, while simultaneously making sure you do your best to protect yourself and your loved ones in the days, months and years ahead.

[Survived?]

Hi Feeling,

I'm in the exact same place as you are now.   I don't have any real answers but I'm finding them along with you. 

First, you must take care of yourself!  You must do this.   Go to doctor and ask for sleep meds.   Immediately!  You simply must sleep!   

Others here have told me to journal and they were right and it helps.  Start writing and let it all out.   Then, when you read it and reslize, it not you that's crazy... . you have been abused into believing you are crazy. 

Understand,  again you simply understand, this will never make sense.   It hurts and you want answers but there are not answers why a mentally ill person does what they do!   Call it whatever you want but this is the simple truth and a fact. 

Someone else on this blog recently shared with me the idea of "being selfish".   Try to set aside all the worry, fear and anxiety.  Simply stop trying to understand it and TAKE CARE OF YOU!   

Try exercising or other hobbies... . anything to get your mind off what your BPD did or why.  Take a break from it all! 

There was a very good article on this site about Rumination's.  Read it!  It explains when you have a thought, you have 90 seconds to push it out before it become a feeling.  Label all these negative thoughts something sill or stupid... . I call mine the "black hole" and when the thoughts come... . discard them into your own wastebasket... . whatever you call it.   

My BPD and I are just now starting divorce and she has vowed to destroy me.  Some days are horrible but each and every day that goes by... . I grow stronger.   I see clearer it wasn't me or anything I did and never was.  I too want to understand how someone I lived and cared about could be so mean and ruthless.  But in the end their is no answer... . now it just all goes into the hole, and it helps!   

One day at a time and take care of yourself first and most and always!   

[maxen]

hi feelingcrazy. i'm so sorry for your situation. i'm also about where you and survived? are: at the start of a divorce process with a BPD(w, in my case) who has turned into a lunatic of narcissism. the lying and unconcern when faced with it was unbelievable. i just don't know what she's going to do.

i spent months waking up at 2 am with tachycardia and rumination and i don't now know how i got through it. i had panic attacks for the first time in my life. if you're having anxiety that badly please consider clonazepam or similar. my T has even suggested that a small but steady regimen of it can have longer-term stabilizing effects (i.e., not just for the day you're taking it).

[feelingcrazy7832]

Thank you everyone. I did start seeing a therapist after all of this started about a month ago. I've seen her three times. I did start having panic attacks for a few weeks after CPS showed up at my door for the first time in my life. I don't think I cried like that even after my father passed away. I couldn't breathe. Now i'm just left with the lack of sleep and what you are calling ruminations. I will definitely look up the articles on that.

My issue is I don't want to be put on meds right now. We will see how this all plays out but if it doesn't improve soon, I may have to cave in. I'm even paranoid about my ex then stating I'm some kind of drug addict when I've never taken drugs and he's the one with the pill problem and drug addictions. I don't trust anything he will say. The next few weeks will surface alot I'm sure. I'll know if he chooses to fight this PPO (he has one week left) and I'll hopefully know from CPS what these additional false claims are and have some answers. Once those two things are settled a little more, I think I will feel much better.

I'll keep reading your posts. Helps to know that others understand what I'm experiencing.

[maxen]

I'm even paranoid about my ex then stating I'm some kind of drug addict when I've never taken drugs and he's the one with the pill problem and drug addictions. I don't trust anything he will say.

if he is BPD there is a risk of projection. however if you're hesitating to start on an anxiety med because of fear of his projection you shouldn't need to be. taking anti-anxiety medications prescribed by a proper authority is in no way "drug addiction". the reason why you're having to do this should be clear to any court. and it's not caving in. for years i tried to think my way out of my depression until i disintegrated completely, and was started on an SSRI. you have to be able to operate.

[casper324]

I went through the same thing and did find relief with Anxiety medication and have no guilt!  Of course now I am a pill popping alcoholic in his eyes yet I still have pills left from a 2/13 RX which was 60 pills so my "addiction" cant be that bad. ... . I hated those nights when I would lie awake for hours not being able to rest. Funny thing was once he was out I stopped having the anxiety attacks and was able to relax. I still reach for them when my body reacts to an especially nasty nasty gram, guilt free. One thing I have added that helps is DEEP breathing, inhale 10 seconds, hold 10 seconds, release 10 seconds.  Five or six of the cleansing breaths help lessen the attack feeling most times.   I've also made it a point to do physical work for 30 minutes a day which seems to help what I call muscle anxiety or after I get so tense my muscles cant seem to relax. 

[Eodmava]

In order to alleviate the stress and anxiety, there are a couple of things that I think are an absolute imperative in the break up and distancing phase of a BPD relationship.  I'm not listing these in any priority order but here we go.

1.) You simply must get engaged with your spiritual self.  I personally am Christian and have found that my relationship with God has grown exponentially throughout this ordeal.  Like they say, "there are no atheists in a foxhole."

2.) Get to the gym.  Now.  Do something physically stressful to get that cortisol used for something other than spiking your adrenal gland which creates more anxiety and spikes your cortisol again.  Also, if you push it hard enough at the gym you will get a really great endorphin release... . better than any anti-depressant... . plus your clothes will fit better. 

3.) Read.  Reading exercises parts of your brain that simply enable your imagination to flow.  Imagine a positive future.

4.) Eat as healthy as possible.  This is seriously important.  A colleague of mine went through a 5 year slaughter fest with his BPD ex and literally gained 80 pounds throughout the process.  This guy was a former Special Forces officer in the Army.  BPD takes out the best of us.

5.) Meditate, pray, journal.  Spend 15 minutes a day in silence.  Just light a candle and listen to your thoughts.  Give the negative ones back to the Tao.  Keep the positive ones and put them in your "pocket."

6.) Go low or no contact. 

7.) Read. Read. Read.  Understand.  Understand.  Repeat to yourself.  "-------- has a mental illness. ---------- has a mental illness." 

8.) Never read anything about BPD, court, mental illness, finances, etc... . for at least three hours before bedtime. 

MAVA

[maxen]

that's an excellent list, mava. i really must get back to the exercising tho'. i've been so blasted by this that i just can't find the motivation.

[Tobefree]

Great list Mava. I like Rescue Remedy sleep gels. No hangover, non addictive... . they stop the obsessive thoughts. I also use the Badger sleep balm.

And Lavender essential oil on the bottoms of my feet.

I take another homeopathic remedy called RELAX during the day and there are some great floral essence sprays - Post Trauma Stabilizer and Grief Relief.

AGREE about not reading before bedtime. I was doing that and having terrible nights.

I find it hard to motivate myself to exercise but I do feel better when I do.

I just found my appetite, 5 months after confirmation of my SNBPD stbxh's sex addiction and ensuing weight loss.

I found out today his cheating has been known about by others. In a way I am relieved to know this.

I hope it will mean more support for me and less for him. But, who knows. He lies and convinces people that black is white for a living.

The best things I have done is find this group and go to a retreat on healing last weekend.

It's really important for me to do normal people things. As my attorney says... . "live your life".

T