With every step forward

[maxsterling]

With ever step forward non my part, it feels like there are two more roadblocks (red flags, new situations, crises) thrown in the way.  I'm on the undecided board because I am pretty sure I can't continue in this relationship unless things improve, yet I am not ready to throw in the towel.   But every day it feels like the towel is being thrown in for me.

Every few days I will read/work on new things I think will solve some issues or move us forward.  It may be financial things, me finally getting the courage to talk to her about some things, having a little less fear, feeling less guilty or obligated.   And then there comes something new that I wasn't prepared to deal with.

I guess my failure is being overly optimistic and thinking that there is some part of her brain that can deal with things rationally.  Some way in which she can be at least a little like others in doing things to help herself.  But she has been rally down lately.  I think it is because she is coming to the realization just how screwed up she is, just how much she has screwed up her own life, how she thinks I will leave her if I knew how screwed up she is, and that just puts her in her own mental trap.  She says I am her only reason for living.  That she is lost without me.  And that I am the only thing that makes her happy, and that even if she moved back to New York, she would feel just as lonely and lost there.

Saturday morning she told me that she did a lot of bad things to hurt herself the past few years, and said that if I knew what those bad things were, I would leave her immediately.  I told her she doesn't have to tell me (I assume those bad things may mean doing a hell of a lot of sleeping around - probably with men she didn't even know).  She was very distraught.  I did my best to comfort her, and later that afternoon she had a friend come over, and the three of us went out to an event.  I saw that as positive.

On the way home from this event, she told the friend "last time we went here, I had a lot of anxiety."  Umm.  that is a major understatement.  She screamed at me over something I still don't understand, she tried to jump out the car when I was driving, sat in the car and punched herself and pulled the skin off her arm, screamed some more, said nasty things to me.  I meant to tell her later how much that evening scared me and hurt me.  I thought she was stable enough to discuss that, and how we can move forward.  But after the friend left, we went to bed.

That night, I must have had a dream where she was trying to kill herself.  I awoke about midnight, and laid and cried and could not fall back asleep for about 2 hours.  I was certain I needed to talk to her in the morning about my fears and my dream.  But when she woke up the first thing she said to me was "when I wake up, I always worry about how I will make it through another day;  and when I go to bed, I think about how I made it through one more day." 

Uh-Oh.  Not a good time to talk to her about how I fear her killing herself when she is having thoughts like that.  the day continued to get worse.  I was homing to get some things done.  I was hoping to get out and take time for myself to watch football and rejuvenate.  But instead, she laid in bed, didn't want to do anything, said she was hungry, but did not want to do anything about that.  I went out and brought back food, and then she wanted me to take her on a drive, just out of the house. 

We went on the drive, and she was mostly in a bad mood.  I did everything I could to try and make her smile.  On the way home she said she was filled with rage, but not towards me.  She said if she told me the things that were on her mind about what she wanted to do to herself, it would upset me.  She then started off about how she hates herself, how she hates our neighbor and never wants to talk to her again, how she hates her dad.  And then she said she hates her doctors, how they have just been giving her drugs all her life and none of them work, how she thinks she needs electroshock therapy. 

After we got home, her mood improved a little.  But then she said she thinks she needs to be in a more intensive therapy program, such as in a hospital, 5 days per week.  Honestly, I can't disagree.  I don't know what else could be tried at this time - she's really not capable of anything, and I wonder if her only shot is a months-long stay in some kind of facility, away from me.   I think I am just enabling her, and not letting her face her own demons. 

Last night I had another dream that she was trying to kill herself.  And this morning she is really down again, because she got offered a job, and that is creating too much anxiety, but doesn't want to turn it down because we have no money.  I just don't know what to tell her.  I told her that her mental health should come first, and she can always decline the job.  But my gut is telling me this is a person who probably does need to be hospitalized again, and that working any kind of job would put her over the edge. 

[Tolou]

Hey... .

Sounds like she is not a good place?  I think you are taking to much responsibility to feel that you have that amount of power or control to help this person with waht they really need.  The sucidal thoughts can get more and more serious and begin to take a toll on both of you, what if she were to follow through.  She could definitly benefit from supportive services, it's hard when you think about it... . But sometimes in order for people to move on with, they need to lose something or someone that is/was important to them, and maybe then some people will acknoledge that

[waverider]

Maybe you are addressing symptoms (individual issues) rather than the cause.

The cause maybe neediness, neediness of drama, the interaction. Individual issues are just the vehicles to fit this. So as soon as you address one you create a need, a need for something to be dramatic about, so she comes up with a replacement.

Does it feel like a leaky bucket with 12 holes and you have to plug them with only your fingers, there is always 2 holes leaking no matter how much you move your fingers around. The more holes you cover the more water the water pressure forces through the uncovered holes.

The answer is not trying to cover the holes it is how to stop the bucket filling with water. It is the self loathing that needs to be addressed, self harm is just a symptom

[maxsterling]

Waverider - that's exactly it.  She hates herself, intensely, and that is the root of everything, and that is what ultimately needs to be addressed.  And she knows it, and admits it.  I'd feel more comfortable if she found at least one thing she likes about life that has nothing to do with me.  Or find just a few things about herself that she likes. 

For months I have been trying to address that.  I support, I compliment, I encourage uplifting activities.  But it has no affect, maybe even the opposite.  Me being kind and supportive and she compares herself to that, and she feels unkind and horrible.  But I am not going to be unkind or unsupportive, but I do think I need to find that line between supporting and enabling.  I am resigning to the fact she needs very serious help from brilliant professionals, and am trying to steer her in that direction, but let her make that decision for herself rather than say "you should" or give her some kind of ultimatum like, "I don't see this relationship working unless you do xyz."  that won't work because that's the root of her problem - she will do things for me, but not for herself.  I don't want to reinforce her preconceived idea that her whole purpose for living is to not hurt me.  That's what she says, "I will never kill myself because that would hurt you."

I think she is suicidal.  Very suicidal, and constantly fights off those urges.  She probably needs to be hospitalized for an extended period of time.  I just hope not to get into the position where I have to force her into that.  But I know at this point, I don't feel there is much I can do to help keep the bucket from filling with water, other than push her towards intensive therapy.

[waverider]

maxsterling validating and uplifting someone who is permanently down is very difficult as there is a fine line between validating (and fear of reinforcing) and invalidating.

Invalidation occurs when they are trying to express their negative emotions, often using some side issue. If you respond in way that suggests they shouldn't feel so bad they hear that as "you are wrong for feeling that way, this is how you should feel"

As a result they feel as though you are not listening and dont understand. So they up it, or add another issue to further reinforce the point. It becomes a subtle game of " I am too/you should not/I am too/you should not", until you give up which then reinforces abandonment and lack of self worth issues.

It is very exhausting not to let this drag you down too

she will do things for me, but not for herself

This is big part of my RS too. Even down to preparing meals, but will not even bother to microwave leftovers for herself... She doesn't deserve good food she often says.