The biggest dilemma of my life

[RedRojo]

I am facing a huge dilemma…

I met my dBPDw 10 months ago, and married her 6 months later.  She is now pregnant with our first child (neither of us have previous children), who is due in June.

For the sake of this post I am cutting a long story very short, but here is the essence of things.

Before we got married she told me there was something she could tell me that would shock me.  I said ‘try me’, but she didn’t want to talk about it.  I asked her on several different occasions what it was, but she said she didn’t want to tell me before we got married as it would change the way I looked at her on our wedding day.

We then got married and she is now pregnant.  About 2 months after our wedding she told me she had previously been diagnosed with BPD (after a very big argument).  I didn’t know about this (although was aware she had mental health problems as a result of an unloved childhood), and spent a long time looking into it and understanding more about it.  I feel like I understand her more and became closer to her as a result.

A week ago, after asking her several more times, she finally told me what it was she’d been hiding from me.  She said she used to have sex with men in exchange for money.  I was definitely shocked, but could understand to an extent, as I had learnt a lot more about BPD (and what this leads to people doing). 

But she then revealed that she was doing this up until the end of 2012.  I had always presumed her past behaviour had only been up until she went to rehab about 7 years ago.  The thought of her doing it so recently and so close to her meeting me (and long after her therapy) is extremely hard to comprehend and take in, and I am struggling with it.

She told me she didn’t do it much in the last few years (maybe 3 or 4 times), then stopped at the end of 2012 (about 3 months before we met), and then decided that in order to be with me, she wouldn’t do it anymore.

My problem is that, knowing what I know about BPD, I don’t know whether to believe that she is telling me the truth.  I distrust whether she did stop when she said she did (she was extremely vague about this when I asked her), or if there was cross-over with meeting me.  I don’t think she’s doing it now as she is pregnant.  But I can’t get rid of the thought that she was doing it after we got together. 

There are a few specific reasons why I think this could be the case, and suspect that she may have slept with men after we met.

She now doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and insists she’s told me everything I need to know.  I on the other hand, feel like I have even more questions than I started with, and there are big gaps in my knowledge. 

I’m finding this very difficult to come to terms with.  All sorts of situations and images are swirling around my head (most of which I am sure I am probably making up).  Talking to her about it however, is almost impossible at the moment.

She knows that if she cheated on me and I knew, I would walk out of our marriage instantly.  I believe she is terrified of this happening (despite telling me elsewise), so I don’t think she would confess if this actually was the case.

My dilemma I face is, whether to

a)   ignore my gut instinct (that I suspect she has lied to me and had sex with men for money in the early stages of our relationship) and let things continue in denial

b)   insist on more information, and if it doesn’t come, to think about the consequences that will follow.

The decision would be a lot easier if she wasn’t pregnant – I would challenge her on it, and she would either convince me she was telling the truth and I stay, or I don’t believe her and I go. 

But, she is carrying my unborn child.  I have strong values that the child always comes first.  If I walked out on the baby and it grew up without a father in a normal family environment, am I failing the child?  Should I just do what’s best for it and stay, and pretend there is no issue.  Could I cope with this?  Would the baby actually be better if we weren’t together, rather than having parents living together for reasons other than love?

This is all without even thinking about the fact that whatever happens, I will now have to be the Dad of a child where I can’t tell it the truth about it’s mum (that she was a prostitute), therefore lying to it.

I do know that if she would talk to me, and could convince me that what she has told me so far is the absolute truth, I would be fine about it, very happy and would look forward to our future as a family together.

I really have no idea what is the best thing to do.  I’ve never faced a situation like this in my life.  I’d really like to know what others think here…

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I can only say this is a tough one, and I agree that if you were not expecting a child or were not married, the decision may be easier.

I can say, though, that I am facing similar.  I knew my girlfriend had a rocky childhood.  I knew some bad things happened more recently, but I assumed most of the bad stuff was when she was an active drug addict.  She's been sober 11 years now.

But the more I get to know her, and the more she falls apart, the more I am realizing the bad behavior continued with sobriety up until the day I met her.  And I have little doubt it would continue to this day if I was not around.

She told me saturday that she did some very bad things over the past few years that if I knew about she is worried I would leave her.   I am assuming she means being very promiscuous.  Having sex for money?  Would not entirely surprise me.  Or she could have paid men to do things. Or just solicited men solely for sex.  I know at one time she worked as a stripper. But she feels so much shame over it.  And the truth is - I could leave her over it.  And I could leave her anyway.  I feel very uncomfortable over this.   

I feel uncomfortable because I know from experience that one cannot change another.  So her being with me does not change her.  I'd feel more comfortable had she recognized her issue, sought the appropriate help, and stopped on her own without needing me or anyone else to set her straight.  And I am guessing that is part of why you feel uncomfortable.  Because (according to her) she stopped right when she met you.  In other words, the only reason she isn't now is because of you.  that's a huge emotional burden, because should you do something to upset her in the slightest (or she just paint you black for no reason), she's likely to be back doing the same thing again. 

My best to you.  I hope you find peace with this, somehow.

[BorisAcusio]

Wow.  I can only say this is a tough one, and I agree that if you were not expecting a child or were not married, the decision may be easier.

I can say, though, that I am facing similar.  I knew my girlfriend had a rocky childhood.  I knew some bad things happened more recently, but I assumed most of the bad stuff was when she was an active drug addict.  She's been sober 11 years now.

But the more I get to know her, and the more she falls apart, the more I am realizing the bad behavior continued with sobriety up until the day I met her.  And I have little doubt it would continue to this day if I was not around.

She told me saturday that she did some very bad things over the past few years that if I knew about she is worried I would leave her.   I am assuming she means being very promiscuous.  Having sex for money?  Would not entirely surprise me.  Or she could have paid men to do things. Or just solicited men solely for sex.  I know at one time she worked as a stripper. But she feels so much shame over it.  And the truth is - I could leave her over it.  And I could leave her anyway.  I feel very uncomfortable over this.   

I feel uncomfortable because I know from experience that one cannot change another.  So her being with me does not change her.  I'd feel more comfortable had she recognized her issue, sought the appropriate help, and stopped on her own without needing me or anyone else to set her straight.  And I am guessing that is part of why you feel uncomfortable.  Because (according to her) she stopped right when she met you.  In other words, the only reason she isn't now is because of you.  that's a huge emotional burden, because should you do something to upset her in the slightest (or she just paint you black for no reason), she's likely to be back doing the same thing again. 

My best to you.  I hope you find peace with this, somehow.

Whoring must be pretty common among BPDs. My exBPDgf was always proud that men in her past offered her money for sex. 1,5 year into our relationship she admitted that once she even went for a porn casting.

[RedRojo]

Maxsterling, thanks for your reply.  You've really summed it up perfectly.  A big part of me worrying about this is the fact that if meeting me has changed her behaviour, then I am also responsible for her staying this way.

It is in some ways a nice thought that I am good for her, and she thinks enough of me to want to be a better person.  However conversely, it fills me with fear that should I be anything less than perfectly supportive, she may return to this behaviour.  I don't fear her relapsing with substance misuse as I know she has dealt with this properly a long time ago.  The same can't be said about her sexual history.

Having said that, even that doesn't really trouble me. I knew life wasn't going to be a smooth ride with her, and there'd be challenges. I love her, there are many things that are great about her and if it's up to me to support her then that's what I've chosen for myself.  Even with all the horrible moments.

But it's the prospect that she has cheated and lied to me (I have asked her a few times outright if she has ever done anything with anyone else since we've known each other, and it has always been a resounding no) that I couldn't accept under any circumstances.  And putting up with all the other behaviour, I simply would no longer have the strength for.

Of course I don't know, it is only gut instinct, and that could be wrong.  When I think of all the things that make me question her truthfulness, it would appear obvious to anyone else that I should not stick around.  But she is different to other people, and she tells me her past doesn't matter, it's now that's important.  That's right, and we are creating a family together and want to provide a loving environment for a child.  Incidentally I am absolutely convinced she wants for her child the opposite that she had, and that means a loving, stable family.  She is intelligent enough to know what it requires to have that.  What I fear is that she won't be able to control her actions.

I'm interested to know what you are doing about your situation.  Who knows if your girlfriend would accept money for sex.  But to me, there is little that a woman could do that would upset a man, other than that (or killing somebody or something) - sexual promiscuity (although not cheating) is something we can at least relate to as men, even if we don't like it in a partner - being a prostitute is not something we can relate to, and it hits you like a punch in the stomach to find out. I have a lot of soul searching to do... .

[maxsterling]

I'm not doing anything about it.   Right now I am more worried about her suicidal thoughts to worry about relationship stuff.  I see it as all related, though, she hates herself, and when she hates herself she does things to hate herself more.  She started off with cutting. Then drugs.  then sex, and then overspending, and now food.  She hates the way she looks, constantly telling me how she is too fat, and tires to silence that voice by eating junk food.  I don't get it.  But the sex is the same thing.  She says she hates the way she behaved, so her response was to go out and do more of it?

She told me the other day that she would never hurt herself again because it would hurt me.  But she doesn't understand that telling me she wants to hurt herself, and saying I am the reason she doesn't, hurts me just as bad as if she actually did hurt herself. 

I guess in a perfect scenario, she would recognize how much she is hurting herself and those who love her, and find a therapy center or means of helping herself.  I think that is the only way she will heal - to break it off for me, check herself into a place for a few months and get the help she needs.

And it sounds like you are facing the same worry - it's not her past you fear, it is that you fear her past is still her present, just hiding under the surface.  I've known many people in my life who try and change.  And for a period of time they do change because of the circumstances they are in.  But eventually, that always fails.  For instance, drugs.  They start dating someone new, and quit the drugs for the time being.  But they never solve that internal unrest, and eventually go back to the drugs and the relationship ends. 

[Pearl55]

Redrojo

Wow,wow

She lied to you since day one. Why she wasn't honest before your marriage? Why she didn't tell you about BPD before?

Marriages are end of GAMES for borderlines and then pregnancy trapment! Whatever she's been telling you after your marriage is not because she wants to be honest. It's simply to WARN you about her issues. To give you signal to love her and care for her unconditionally no matter what she does.

From a point of a view of a woman when you sleep with men for money that means no self respect and no self worth doesn't matter how poor you are! Bpd or not is not an excuse for that!

She just signalling you she doesn't take responsibility for her actions!

I know you've been shocked but certainly most borderlines are pathalogical liars! I'm sorry but I think you've been targeted! Try to be honest with yourself.

[waverider]

You will never know the real truth, that is the only truth.

Living with a pwBPD means there will allways be dark corners you can't see into.

The boundaries and ideals you may have for a regular RS, will need to be revisited and rethought for living with a pwBPD.

This is going to take a lot of work on yourself or you will drive yourself nuts trying to unpick her life and judge it by your own standards. You fell in love with this person as you found her(or at least the image of her you had), not on the reality of her past. The past may be said to be the best predictor of future behavior, but a prediction is not a guarantee, as you can influence this. Starting to  judging her on her past will be a massive invalidation that will be sure to corrupt the RS from the start.

[RedRojo]

I do understand that I'll never know the full truth about things, and certainly from her past. And I am definitely of the opinion that her past is her past, and nothing to do with me.  I am not bothered about what she got up to before the day we met.  And I can give her a huge amount of leeway on the basis that she has experienced things in her childhood that has affected her mental health now.

The difficult thing now though, is that she is a different person than the one I thought I was marrying.  I am dealing with that, and believe that I will be able to.  But the thought of her cheating and lying to me after we got together, that's another thing altogether.  Every human being has limits.  There are things that you can't do in a relationship, and I have too much self-respect to put up with something that is fundamentally wrong, regardless of the circumstances.

At what point is this though? Is a gut instinct based on unanswered questions enough to make a decision? I'm sure no one can answer this except for the person right in the middle of it (me).  This is just an example of the type of thing in my head... . Very tough to comprehend and to work out. 

[goldylamont]

Is a gut instinct based on unanswered questions enough to make a decision? I'm sure no one can answer this except for the person right in the middle of it (me).  This is just an example of the type of thing in my head... . Very tough to comprehend and to work out. 

RedRojo I am so sorry you had to find out about this the way you did. While I've never dated someone with a past of prostitution, I did date someone who used to be a stripper. But she told me this on the first DATE. Because she was a real woman. So our whole r/s started out of honesty. And she had stopped *years* before we ever met and was in a long term r/s during most of these years. I had several opportunities to test her honesty and integrity during and after our r/s and all i can say is that she is *solid*. A beautiful woman who owns her past, learned from it and keeps it moving.

I agree with a previous poster that this woman trapped you. I mean she did hint that she had something hidden she wasn't telling you, but good grief -- BPD diagnosis plus a history of prostitution? And she only divulges this after she is pregnant and married. Terribly sorry you found out this way.

RedRojo, regarding trusting your gut instinct -- please trust your gut instinct. Your gut instinct is all you have at this point. Being BPD means this person can and will lie whenever they feel necessary. So the only truth you can rely on is your gut. There are many, many people here who suffered too long because they didn't trust what their gut was telling them. And many more who began their healing once they started listening to themselves. Please don't underestimate how you feel in your gut.

Also regarding your child--if you were to choose to end the official relationship, and you became a healthier person this would be best for the child. You being a healthy and stable father will be much better for your family than being together but in an unhealthy relationship. You should feel no guilt for separating to create a healthier environment for yourself and your child. I wish you the best.

[waverider]

The thing is BPD is an ingrained personality trait. They meet someone new and they go through a phase of idealization which changes the behavior for a while, then it reverts back to default.

You can't draw a line in the sand and expect them to have had a complete and permanent turnaround after the day they met you.

At the end of the day it does come down to gut feeling, as the truth will still be smudged and you will be chasing shadows. What can you deal with and what can't you is the big question you have to answer for yourself. There is no right, or wrong, or even fair, only what you can live with.

Even if she doesn't go back to prostitution, or whatever her behavior was prior, the mindset that made it no big deal to her is still there and it will likely surface in another form.

Just by being with you will not fix her BPD and all its traits. You are her rescuer, for now, that novelty will wear thin.

To make this work you will have to change you, you can't just apply your previous benchmarks or it will fail.

[BorisAcusio]

I have to agree with previous posters. She may revert to her old - real - self as soon as hit hits the fan.  My ex went to a casting agent behind my back when we were still together. It was unemployment that triggered the old behavior.

[amja77]

A big part of me worrying about this is the fact that if meeting me has changed her behaviour, then I am also responsible for her staying this way.

It is in some ways a nice thought that I am good for her, and she thinks enough of me to want to be a better person.  However conversely, it fills me with fear that should I be anything less than perfectly supportive, she may return to this behaviour.  I don't fear her relapsing with substance misuse as I know she has dealt with this properly a long time ago.

This rings such truth for me.

I currently might be pregnant with my BPDbf's child. Since I told him I might be pregnant, he's slowly changing. He's an alcoholic and unemployed. He's going to detox and finally looking for a job. He states that he's doing this (changing) for me and our (maybe) unborn child. But the scary part is, if I disappoint him in some way, he'll use that as an excuse to return to his bad behavior.

Now that I think of it though, it's absolute BS because no one can change someone. No matter how much love or support you provide for them. Unless they change for themselves, the likelihood of them falling back into previous destructive habits is pretty much inevitable.

But the glory of thinking that you might have changed this person is sort of ignorant and blind. I fall into this category at the moment. I'm basking in the ambiance of thinking that I'm the savior because "I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him... . he thanks his lucky stars everyday that he's found me... . he hopes that I'll never leave him" yet these statements are flighty and only while he's not in a crisis/drunk/angry. I'm scared every moment of every day that he might fly off the handle, yet his affirmations of change, even while he has "changed," are bittersweet because, in my opinion, this "transformation" will never last because it is based on circumstances rather than on wanting to change himself for the better (and the long run).