Perspective piece: who did you need your BPDex to be?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

If I am absolutely honest, and with the benefit of a year of hindsight since my exBPDgf dumped me, and since my mothers death 2 weeks ago I now realise that my ex was very like my mother in her tendencies and even in some of her features. Scary I know but the whole oedipal thing works I think, I was trying to repair the relationship with my mother by projecting her on to my ex. I think my ex was projecting her father or mother or both on to me. Messy! and nearly ended in a successful suicide by my ex

Are you sure that was projection, CM? Projection was mine saying, in effect, that I was like her father (cheater, abandoner), yet in real it, she did those two very things.

I get what you are saying though. Mine is nothing like my mom on the surface, but share the depression, splitting and emotional dysregulation. After I realized it, resented it (I resented me,.maybe that was my projection?), I stubbornly hung on.

So despite my earlier longer response, I needed mine to be the mother I couldn't ever understand or fix. Zing!

The problem is, neither of them can be fixed. They are who they are.

On her side, she needed me to be her father. Now since she's cycled back to the younger ones (like those before me), she needs the unconditional infant love she never had as a baby...

Add what I realize now was her emotional incest, and I have a high functioning mess of a person. So tragic... .

[Turkish]

If I am absolutely honest, and with the benefit of a year of hindsight since my exBPDgf dumped me, and since my mothers death 2 weeks ago I now realise that my ex was very like my mother in her tendencies and even in some of her features. Scary I know but the whole oedipal thing works I think, I was trying to repair the relationship with my mother by projecting her on to my ex. I think my ex was projecting her father or mother or both on to me. Messy! and nearly ended in a successful suicide by my ex

Are you sure that was projection, CM? Projection was mine saying, in effect, that I was like her father (cheater, abandoner), yet in real it, she did those two very things.

I get what you are saying though. Mine is nothing like my mom on the surface, but share the depression, splitting and emotional dysregulation. After I realized it, resented it (I resented me,.maybe that was my projection?), I stubbornly hung on.

So despite my earlier longer response, I needed mine to be the mother I couldn't ever understand or fix. Zing!

The problem is, neither of them can be fixed. They are who they are.

On her side, she needed me to be her father. Now since she's cycled back to the younger ones (like those before me), she needs the unconditional infant love she never had as a baby...

Add what I realize now was her emotional incest, and I have a high functioning mess of a person. So tragic... .

[Calm Waters]

thanks both, the attempt was  2 days after I ended the relationship and it drew me back in to  ' rescue' her. I now realise my mother had been suicidal on and off for most of her life so the attempt triggered me, this gave my ex the upper hand and she eventually dumped and vilified me after i helped her recover... . nice

[Moonie75]

Their heartlessness is limitless! 

[RecycledNoMore]

If I am absolutely honest, and with the benefit of a year of hindsight since my exBPDgf dumped me, and since my mothers death 2 weeks ago I now realise that my ex was very like my mother in her tendencies and even in some of her features. Scary I know but the whole oedipal thing works I think, I was trying to repair the relationship with my mother by projecting her on to my ex. I think my ex was projecting her father or mother or both on to me. Messy! and nearly ended in a successful suicide by my ex

Hi CW, ugg I can identify with your post unfortunately... I used to tease the ex bc he was very similar to my mum, they were both quite critical ( the ex even more overtly I think), they both had very black and white views about the world... I didnt realise any sort of corelation until I came here...

Scary indeed, im still trying to process that one.

[Ironmanrises]

I needed her to be a human being with consistent feelings.

[Free2Bee]

I was looking for consistency and steadiness from mine - a tall order to demand from a BPD, but bless her heart, she mirrored it all back to me as best she could. I wanted a partner, a life companion. I felt that I was ready for a committed, long-term relationship with a solid person. I was keen to make plans for the future. She tried to be all that and promised me the moon when she could. She tried to be the person I wanted her to be - I'm seeing that now. :-( That's not who she was and BPD limited her ability to be present and responsive to me in the way I needed her to be. If she painted a picture of the future that wasn't realistic, I was right there with her, adding brushstrokes. We were both culpable.