encouragement and truth for survivors of BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

here are the important things, so you don't forget:

- your body is yours. so if he wants to say, bite you on the shoulder while you are cooking dinner, and he leaves teeth shaped bruises in your skin, and then gets huffy when you tell him (AGAIN) that he has to stop that, it's okay to do whatever it takes to make him stop.

- you will forget. he will be so unbelievably sweet to you, and say all the words you've been dying to hear for (how many years now?) forever. and you'll turn into an amnesiac. what time that he spit in your face? what time that he cussed you out in front of your daughters? what time he just disappeared for a weekend? look how nice he is being! "that stuff is in the past." "water under the bridge, baby." "i don't want to look back! " "i can't make up for that stuff, but i can do my best now." "you know, you hurt me too." write it down, so you don't forget, or think you've gone mad.

- it's not your fault. it's NOT your fault. it's not YOUR fault. it's not your FAULT.

- your people will think you are weak or nuts for staying. everyone will second guess everything you do - him, them, you. you'll forget you were smart. decisive. going places. the FOG will surround you and make it impossible to see the road, or the rearview. you'll be paralyzed with inaction. you'll sympathize with battered women. people will show sympathy to you, but you'll reject it because you don't deserve it. you don't deserve anything but bad, because that's what he told you.

- when the spiral starts, you'll try desperately to stop it, using whatever you have as leverage to just make it last a bit less time. even your own body, your own soul.

- you'll stop believing. in love. in marriage. maybe in a God who sees and cares and acts. in yourself. but strangely - never in him.

- you deserve a turn. "when is it MY turn?" now. now is your turn. don't bother waiting for permission to care for yourself and enjoy your life. you'll never get it. so just go and BE, now.

- you know what else you'll never get from him? reciprocity. delicacy. tenderness. encouragement. trust. fearless intimacy. friendship.

- you aren't worthless. YOU aren't worthless. you AREN'T worthless. you aren't WORTHLESS.

- you'll think you'll be better because you hear and accept that statement. but that doesn't make you better. your mind and your body will conspire to protect you from the real feelings, because they are too dangerous. don't get distracted. fight to feel your pain. and then talk to yourself, saying kind things. you may have to talk forever until your heart hears it. but keep at it.

- you aren't his mother. you aren't God. there is no ", Savior" after your name. that is too heavy, so just stop carrying it. just be you. you aren't EVERYTHING. but you ARE something. enough of a thing.

- your life is in your hands. but only if you want it.

love you guys. keep fighting for your lives.

[Seneca]

here are the important things, so you don't forget:

- your body is yours. so if he wants to say, bite you on the shoulder while you are cooking dinner, and he leaves teeth shaped bruises in your skin, and then gets huffy when you tell him (AGAIN) that he has to stop that, it's okay to do whatever it takes to make him stop.

- you will forget. he will be so unbelievably sweet to you, and say all the words you've been dying to hear for (how many years now?) forever. and you'll turn into an amnesiac. what time that he spit in your face? what time that he cussed you out in front of your daughters? what time he just disappeared for a weekend? look how nice he is being! "that stuff is in the past." "water under the bridge, baby." "i don't want to look back! " "i can't make up for that stuff, but i can do my best now." "you know, you hurt me too." write it down, so you don't forget, or think you've gone mad.

- it's not your fault. it's NOT your fault. it's not YOUR fault. it's not your FAULT.

- your people will think you are weak or nuts for staying. everyone will second guess everything you do - him, them, you. you'll forget you were smart. decisive. going places. the FOG will surround you and make it impossible to see the road, or the rearview. you'll be paralyzed with inaction. you'll sympathize with battered women. people will show sympathy to you, but you'll reject it because you don't deserve it. you don't deserve anything but bad, because that's what he told you.

- when the spiral starts, you'll try desperately to stop it, using whatever you have as leverage to just make it last a bit less time. even your own body, your own soul.

- you'll stop believing. in love. in marriage. maybe in a God who sees and cares and acts. in yourself. but strangely - never in him.

- you deserve a turn. "when is it MY turn?" now. now is your turn. don't bother waiting for permission to care for yourself and enjoy your life. you'll never get it. so just go and BE, now.

- you know what else you'll never get from him? reciprocity. delicacy. tenderness. encouragement. trust. fearless intimacy. friendship.

- you aren't worthless. YOU aren't worthless. you AREN'T worthless. you aren't WORTHLESS.

- you'll think you'll be better because you hear and accept that statement. but that doesn't make you better. your mind and your body will conspire to protect you from the real feelings, because they are too dangerous. don't get distracted. fight to feel your pain. and then talk to yourself, saying kind things. you may have to talk forever until your heart hears it. but keep at it.

- you aren't his mother. you aren't God. there is no ", Savior" after your name. that is too heavy, so just stop carrying it. just be you. you aren't EVERYTHING. but you ARE something. enough of a thing.

- your life is in your hands. but only if you want it.

love you guys. keep fighting for your lives.

[AnitaL]

This is good stuff, Seneca.  Thanks for putting it out there.

I especially like the "when is it MY turn?" response.  Now, indeed.

[letmeout]

write it down, so you don't forget, or think you've gone mad.

Definitely keep a log of their behaviors. My T suggested doing this a few years before I finally worked up the courage to leave my BPD spouse. It really shocks you back into reality if you start wavering on your decision. Why do we get amnesia over those terrible things they do when we start feeling sorry for them. 

Keep a log and read it often to remind yourself why you had to get away from that.

[waverider]

The hardest thing for a partner to do is to hang onto consistent reality. It is too easy to get drawn in to the moment. The good mood today will continue, the bad today will continue. We loose the big picture, we follow them in the wake of their erratic behaviors, but always one step behind and taken by surprise when the climate changes.

Putting our own hands on the tiller and steering a consistent course in all this persuasive distraction is difficult, but necessary.

Being aware is a good start

[thicker skin]

  loving this Seneca.

It's especially welcome in the month that I've been asked to gain enlightenment and learn to live in the moment instead of my subconscious ... . Because if he threatened to smash my head against the wall yesterday, it's not relevant today and I'm a nutcase if it is still in my cache.

Thanks for this x

[maxsterling]

Beautifully put.  thank you.

[janey62]

Ok, a rant... .

I wish I could pack up and disappear, go away somewhere that is not here and feel safe and sane and begin to get my life back.

What's stopping me?  I don't know, but I think it may be something like this:  he fills me up, the part of me that was lost and empty and broken is somehow eclipsed by the massive drama that is him... . it has become us.  It's as if I now have a purpose but at the same time my head is filled with fog, I can't think straight or remember what happened yesterday even (what you said Seneca)!  I am losing myself and I'm scared.  I also now feel inextricably responsible for him and what happens to him with a deep aching sadness and fear for him; I want to protect him.

We went for therapy on Tuesday together.  I wasn't really able to be honest or say how I felt and when I did say a little about how I'd been feeling lately, ready to give up and leave, hurt and confused, he began to do what he does, shut down, threaten, go pale, shark eyes appeared, my heart began to pound and I felt sweat prickle my shaking body. The sensation of being drop kicked in front of someone else, a therapist, was particularly awful! 

I did the forgetting thing too.  We had a few days before the therapy when he was calm and loving and sweet and we talked a lot and he seemed lucid and sensible and able to see what was happening.  He even talked about how he thinks with his feelings when he loses it and that he just panics and ceases to see me or any individual, just enemies... . He had begun to blow up, calling me a c**t and packing his things and storming out, when something I said, I think it was, 'but you do this, tell me its over and you hate me and then in two or three days you'll be sorry and want me back,' and he said, 'so what if I don't leave?'   It felt like a breakthrough, I was so happy and we talked and hugged and cried and I even began to convince myself that he isn't ill, he can't have BPD because of the way he's behaving now... .   The thing that upset him was my showing even a little bit of the hurt I felt, and the fear and anxiety I feel about what will happen next. 

He was full of remorse and said he felt different.  He said he wanted us to get help, that he would also not drink and go back to see his psychiatrist (who he's only seen once and wasn't much help) and tell him the whole story, and wanted me to come to help him tell the whole story.  I let myself get full of hope and even cancelled my plan to go and look at an apartment in another town where I was planning to escape to... .

Then, after we'd consummated this oasis of happiness with love making something changed (or am I imagining that?) and he was restless and while I was out for a couple of hours found himself in the pub, got drunk and didn't come back here last night.  He wrote me dozen loves me, but I don't feel loved, but if I say that it will escalate into 3 days, a week, so I have to hide my hurt and pretend!

Today is supposed to be the trip to the psychiatrist's office and I'm supposed to go with him.  And say what?  I want to scream, tell the truth but the eggshells are there, even bigger ones, and I won't, I'll be collusive and tip toe around. 

I want to somehow drag the shred of me that I sometimes see floating about this place out of here, before it's lost forever... . but I'm afraid to my bones and I don't know why.

I'm so sick of this!  I am sick now of having just spent this time writing about him and us!  It is sick, he is sick and I will diminish and disappear as an individual with any hope of even a shred of a normal sane happy life if I don't get out of here! 

:'(

[waverider]

Our urge to be  a rescuer and fix what is not in our power to fix, creates almost a kind of codependency within us, it becomes our world

Without space we can't stay centered or objective, We stay lost without any direction, overwhelmed.

We don't take time out to smell the roses, as we have forgotten what they even are.

[janey62]

Yes, you're right.

I've got a new job, will be starting in a couple of weeks once all security checks are done, ironically it's in a prison.

I love my job and enjoy work and think I will be able to think much more clearly when I have a daily purpose which is outside the home.

I don't know whether I'm strong enough to stay in this relationship.  I read what you said in another thread about staying with your partner (partly) because she's not evil. Mine isn't evil, he is a good man. 

[Seneca]

Ok, a rant... .

I wish I could pack up and disappear, go away somewhere that is not here and feel safe and sane and begin to get my life back.

What's stopping me?  I don't know, but I think it may be something like this:  he fills me up, the part of me that was lost and empty and broken is somehow eclipsed by the massive drama that is him... . it has become us.  It's as if I now have a purpose but at the same time my head is filled with fog, I can't think straight or remember what happened yesterday even (what you said Seneca)!  I am losing myself and I'm scared.  I also now feel inextricably responsible for him and what happens to him with a deep aching sadness and fear for him; I want to protect him.

We went for therapy on Tuesday together.  I wasn't really able to be honest or say how I felt and when I did say a little about how I'd been feeling lately, ready to give up and leave, hurt and confused, he began to do what he does, shut down, threaten, go pale, shark eyes appeared, my heart began to pound and I felt sweat prickle my shaking body. The sensation of being drop kicked in front of someone else, a therapist, was particularly awful! 

I did the forgetting thing too.  We had a few days before the therapy when he was calm and loving and sweet and we talked a lot and he seemed lucid and sensible and able to see what was happening.  He even talked about how he thinks with his feelings when he loses it and that he just panics and ceases to see me or any individual, just enemies... . He had begun to blow up, calling me a c**t and packing his things and storming out, when something I said, I think it was, 'but you do this, tell me its over and you hate me and then in two or three days you'll be sorry and want me back,' and he said, 'so what if I don't leave?'   It felt like a breakthrough, I was so happy and we talked and hugged and cried and I even began to convince myself that he isn't ill, he can't have BPD because of the way he's behaving now... .   The thing that upset him was my showing even a little bit of the hurt I felt, and the fear and anxiety I feel about what will happen next. 

He was full of remorse and said he felt different.  He said he wanted us to get help, that he would also not drink and go back to see his psychiatrist (who he's only seen once and wasn't much help) and tell him the whole story, and wanted me to come to help him tell the whole story.  I let myself get full of hope and even cancelled my plan to go and look at an apartment in another town where I was planning to escape to... .

Then, after we'd consummated this oasis of happiness with love making something changed (or am I imagining that?) and he was restless and while I was out for a couple of hours found himself in the pub, got drunk and didn't come back here last night.  He wrote me dozen loves me, but I don't feel loved, but if I say that it will escalate into 3 days, a week, so I have to hide my hurt and pretend!

Today is supposed to be the trip to the psychiatrist's office and I'm supposed to go with him.  And say what?  I want to scream, tell the truth but the eggshells are there, even bigger ones, and I won't, I'll be collusive and tip toe around. 

I want to somehow drag the shred of me that I sometimes see floating about this place out of here, before it's lost forever... . but I'm afraid to my bones and I don't know why.

I'm so sick of this!  I am sick now of having just spent this time writing about him and us!  It is sick, he is sick and I will diminish and disappear as an individual with any hope of even a shred of a normal sane happy life if I don't get out of here! 

:'(

janey, i totally relate to wanting to run and hide or disappear from your own life. i am so sorry you are in this situation with a person that you love. 

perhaps reframing things for yourself will encourage you to get the help you need. we spend so much time learning about and managing them that we forget to take care of us, and the results of their treatment of us... . the insanity of the roller coaster ride. i think what it comes down to is this: you are an abused woman. do you recognize that? can you accept that? that was tough for me for many reasons - seeing myself in that role, knowing i "let" it happen to me, and understanding that he is sick. perhaps it is beyond his ability to control his behaviors, but that doesn't mean it isn't abuse. you have been emotionally and psychologically battered, for quite a long time. there are books and support groups that can help you face the ramifications of that. therapy would be great for you as well.

let's forget our pity and sympathy for them for a moment, and turn it to ourselves. what has happened to us? our self esteem has been decimated, our self confidence stripped. our courage and conviction beaten back. our sense of reality and truth skewed. our rights trampled. our trust broken. we've been stabbed in the back by our own feelings and shortcomings when they used them to punish us. we've been held accountable for things we did not do. we have not be treated justly or with mercy or with the compassion and empathy that a romantic partner deserves.

getting your head around what has happened to YOU and beginning YOUR healing journey will go a very long way in helping you to recognize the objective truth, the r/s patterns, and identify what the realities of staying with this man are for you and for him.

[Southern_Belle]

That was fantastic, Seneca! Thank you for posting that. Like AnitaL, I feel the same way about the part of it being "My turn."

You're absolutely correct about that - we won't get the permission we desire so it's best to just go ahead and be your authentic self.

Thank you, again! 

[Seneca]

want to post this lovely Mary Oliver poem too, for all us "undecideds" to enjoy:

“The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life you could save.”

― Mary Oliver

[blueeyedjess]

Thank you, Seneca.

I so needed this reminder. You rock!

[MyGreatEscape]

Thank you Seneca... . this is one of my favorite posts on here. So very true and my god, what have WE done to get where we are? This is so unreal.

Janey62... . isn't irony grand? I am a Psychology student... . pretty hilarious, right? And I actually just applied for a job (that I am quite a few units short of being able to qualify for, but I'm hoping the Universe will throw me a deserved bone here... . )... . and it's at the famous local "looney bin." Sadly, working with diagnosed people would be a break from what I deal with at home... . I'm sorta thinking you can relate to that!

[letmeout]

determined to save

the only life you could save.”

― Mary Oliver

That pretty much sums it up!

[dontknow2]

Wow Seneca. Your post was wonderful, so dead on, and uplifting. I will keep fighting for my life. Thank you! 

[letmeout]

you are an abused woman.

I was married to my BPDex 35 yrs and thought his crazy behavior was just the way all  husbands acted behind closed doors.  I knew he was terribly abusive at times, and someone suggested I go to our local women abuse center. The counselors there convinced me that this was NOT a good way to live my life. 

They also showed me the statistics that abusers (mental illness or not) will always be abusive. It is their nature, just like BPD or NPD is their disease. It is wonderful not to live with that dramatic insanity anymore; daily peace is priceless!

[janey62]

Seneca, you're a star, your words are inspiring... . I know what I have to do.  I have to look after myself.

I emailed an agent today about an apartment which I went and looked at back in the summer.  It is big, cheap, vacant and far away from here, but near to where my new job is going to be.  I'm going to view it again on Weds next week when I go to do some pre job training.  I've not spoken to bf about it because I don't know how and he isn't talking to me anyway and has gone to get drunk.  I'm expecting the texts to start about now actually... . my stomach has that familiar crawling feeling... .

I don't know yet how I'm going to tell him I'm leaving, but I'm just gonna think about that nearer the time. I will carefully consider the advice on here to make a plan though.   

I will go and live in peace, in this wild and amazing moor where I can rebuild my self esteem and be quiet and be with nature for a while... .   Don't worry, there are some busy towns within a short distance, so I don't have to be alone if I don't want to, but the flat is quite isolated. 

I really wish I could stop feeling sorry for him and loving him, I really do.  I try to, and when I'm angry I'm at my strongest, I know that.  But I can't stop the way I feel.  We've loved each other and he would be so close to my ideal partner if it weren't for this pesky illness.  It's so weird too, because sometimes, if I screw up my eyes, he seems perfectly normal... .  but the way he treats me isn't and he isn't, and this amazing place and all of you have helped me to see that.  So I will be sad for him and worry about him and even be kind to him, even though he can't really do any of that for me, but I won't lose my mind for him.   

So what about you?  Are you able to give yourself the same wonderful advice and consider your situation?

I love that poem, it made me cry, !  Thank you for your support, it's helped me more than I can say... . xxx


MyGreatEscape!    I can totally relate to it... . I'm an addictions counsellor and have worked with clients with BPD, but it's a different thing completely than being in love with a person who is mentally ill and I didn't link them with my own situation! Why would I?  It all happened so gradually and his reasons for being weird always seemed valid. 

And, yes, I think it will be easier for you working with people with mental illness because you're not emotionally caught up in it.  What would be helpful (and deserved) though is someone at home who can love and support you... . I could have done with that, and sometimes even got it for a while in the beginning, but then it changed into me understanding him, making allowances for his behaviour, trying to hide it from my son, friends, family, and slowly realising that I was in a trap!  Don't feel bad that you're a psychology student with a partner who is mentally ill, it happens, but oh the irony!   Good luck with getting the job by the way   

[Seneca]

janey, i am able to take my advice, as much as one can while living in the same home. we have beautiful daughters who worship him, they are 8 and 6. he is a wonderful dad. when the time comes and the r/s is more detrimental than beneficial to them, i'll bag it. until then, i stay for the sake of their little lives.

however, in no uncertain terms he knows that the r/s with us is business partners and friends. i support him in recovery, but he cannot have my heart or my body. those are the terms, and he is free to go if he is not interested. but i ain't budging on them. there is a 98% chance i will divorce him in the next decade. i leave that 2% for miracles or death.   i do love him very much, but will no longer love him at my own peril. this has been distressing for him. when he gets too worked up, i remind myself that after 13 years of being tricked and forced into feeling his feelings for him, it is his turn to feel his own. and suffer under them. it is not my cross to bear anymore. 

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh wow, Janey62, well good for you on helping other people. It's just heartbreaking we can't truly help those we love because they have to help themselves first. An ugly reality that we "fixers" have a rrrrrrreally hard time dealing with, eh? Best wishes to you... . !