Dual-dx program approved with bed reserved

[qcarolr]

The probation officer called today to update me on BPDDD27. The county has a facility that does detox (ARC), transistion residential treatment (TRT), and some outpatient services. There is a bed available before end of January. Her medicaid will cover some of the costs. We will loan her the $16/day - $480 for the 30 day program anticipated. They allow 3-6 weeks in this program. The PO said "this should be less than you are paying for her motel room"... . With taxes we are paying about $57/day for her current motel. PO has meeting with DD today and may send her to detox to wait for this TRT bed.

DD met with PO and the pdoc on Monday. She called me for cigarettes - I was at work and my vehicle was being serviced (I am a bookkeeper for an auto repair shop). Said no. She kept pushing (borrow a car!). I tried to hang up. She called back. I ended up telling her many of the things that I was angry and discouraged about with the move to the 3rd motel last week. She started calling me the "c... . " name. She denied saying it, then said it again. Deep breath - there DD, I just heard it again. I am hanging up and turning my phone off. I have not heard from her since Monday. I felt really bad about getting angry with her - not being able to be validating. Dh has been great - assured me that what I said was telling the truth. My T also supported this conversation. Am feeling better about it today. DD is not in a place with much I know about to validate! So was a good thing to not be validating the invalid!

Chose to suspend the services to the tablet on our family plan at Verizon last night. Asked DD to switch to wifi (which is available in motel room) since she was over 75% on the data plan. (data plan bucket for whole family - tablet was using all the minutes). She said she had done this. Got message about reaching 90% yesterday. Some giant usage times during early morning hours. Her cell phone is also being used all night long. Shared this info with PO - not a good sign for DD getting any sleep. Often sign of meth use.

Continuing to work on  being kind to myself in all this. I am such a rescuer - even when I 'think' that I am not. Building other things to be thinking about besides DD and all this BPD/addiction stuff. Staying away from the board as part of this plan. All my ruminating worry does no good - makes me sick, grumpy with dh and gd8, impatient at work, unable to sleep past about 3am... .

I am feeling some relief after talking with PO. There are many in the legal system that do not have compassion or understanding for those with addictions and mental illness. So grateful DD has a PO that has a sincere interest in her stability and longer term success for her life.

Keep on praying. It is working.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

You are doing great. 

My DD14 calle me the c word all the time. She knows that's my hot button.

[lever.]

We're all talking about validation at the moment but remember boundaries too. You don't deserve to be sworn at in a horrible way because of money. You also deserve to look after yourself. You are having a horrible time, be kind to yourself.

[mggt]

Dear qcr,  We will all keep on praying for your dd and your family be kind to yourself 

[MammaMia]

qcr

Great news.  I hope your dd takes advantage of this opportunity.   

I agree, the c... . word pisses me off more than anything else my dBPDs could possibly say. It triggers the feeling of TOTAL DISRESPECT towards me and all women in general.  After all I have done and continue to do for him, that is NOT ok.

Don't be so hard on yourself for getting angry. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do when they push our buttons.  We all have limits.

Good luck.  Please keep us posted.   

[co.jo]

I agree- the C word, and I hope you die. My 2 buttons.

So glad about the program, hopefully you will be able to relax while she is there. So hard to be on the alert every minute.

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

Big door has opened. May this be the giant first step your DD needs to find sobriety and recovery and peace in her life. For you, for dh, for gd.

I want to kiss the PO.

I am guessing your DD is aware of the program and the bed and I'm also guessing that her obnoxiousness might be due to her awareness that soon her life will include tremendous changes and OH how scary this must be for her.

"Get me cigarettes! Borrow a car! Leave work! Do it! Now!" with the bonus cherry of a slur on top.   

My heart goes out to her, so trapped in her illness. (I mean, this is the way she goes about attempting to get what she wants?)

It's hard to hear that she treats her Mom this way. My SD used to treat her Dad this way too. Not any more. Things aren't perfect but I am currently easing into easing away from the worry that things will never get better.

So here's to hope. We all get it if you need a break from being so involved in talking about all of this.

If your DD complies and enters the programs, takes the bed, PLEASE, take this time to decompress. Let the professionals take over this job. Put the worry in a box... . you can always open it later.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Thursday

[crumblingdad]

Oh I can feel the frustration and your pain over here...   So much mixed emotion between frustration, guilt for reactions, hope with a new program, fear of what's to come and whether somehow your words and argument with her will help or hurt the situation.

Been there so many times and the fact is you are doing the best you can, you've given unconditionally all you can give.  Likewise, she's doing the best she can at this time too and no one gets any blame for not doing enough or the wrong things.  It is what it is and you are an amazing incredible Mom.

I sure hope this DualDx makes a difference, and lets not forget for one second who was pulling strings to make it all happen with the PO and the resources available.  Gotta keep in mind all of these major accomplishments and efforts you've made that other daughters would never ever been so fortunate to have in their corner.

Given all her addiction issues, given you're struggling yourself and have mentioned many times where the line between validation, boundaries, enabling etc are.  Have you ever tried a support group like an al-anon or nar-anon?  I say that because I've been attending both at the suggestion of Newport and they've really helped me to work and be more effective with a lot of the stuff we learn about DBT techniques with detaching with love, learning the 3 C's that we didn't cause it, can't control it and won't cure it. Having a support group to attend, in person,  much like this board where others get what you're going through and you can feel acceptance and understanding to share and learn better ways to keep yourself healthy. There's also some other groups like in Massacusetts a pretty decent sized one I like for myself even better for support for families of addiction is Learn to Cope.

Having a reprieve over the next 30 days while she goes into this program is a great time to go work on yourself rather then her for a change because the stronger we are the better we are as a support for our BPD children. 

I truly admire you for all you do as a mom for your daughter and find your amazing strength through all this for her to be insprirational Qcr

[mggt]

Dear qcr, I dont mean to hijack this thread but Dear Crumb, could you please let me know where that group is we live about 1hour and half from boston we would be interested in more info thanks mggt

[crumblingdad]

it's only in massachusetts so I mentioned it as an example of types of support groups I've attended and its not "for BPD per se" - it's for familes of addiction with a little different approach then nar-anon or al-anon in their approach.

So many of our children with BPD have addiction issues (and I consider cutting and/or eating disorders etc to be just another form of addiction even if not using drugs) and I've found the principles of the support groups for addiction to parallel our universes in so many ways that can be helpful in coping with our struggles and learning skills to do so.

[qcarolr]

Thursday - your story has been a great help for me over time. One of gentle hope - one step at a time.

Crumblingdad - I went to a great Al-anon group in 2010-2011 while DD was first homeless and we had a restraining order against her coming to our house. I revoked RO after about 6 mos., and always had the court allow some form of contact. Such a hard time for all in the family. I got a mentor and sponsor in summer 2011 and attempted to work step 4 - personal inventory.  Think this triggered a lot of old stuff for me that I had neatly packed away after therapy 20 years before. How hard it is to discover I still own my  past    And there were lots of things we were still doing that enabled DD's dysfunctional lifestyle, now inside our home. I really believed we were doing the 'right' things. And it could be this was the best we could do at that time (dh and I). I just could not face my friends at Al Anon, so stopped going.

In 2012 a neighbor invited gd to Sunday School, and so I returned to a faith community after a break of about 14 years. HMMMM - kind of matches with the time DD started high school. That independent spirit I have - thinking the best is what I can do alone! And dh's pattern is to withdraw.

2013 was the year of our descent into h*ll. Yet, it has led to some good things in our life. Dd is being cared for by professionals that really care - and she sees this care. Gd is getting the support she needs to succeed in school and in her treatment at mental health center (ADHD and anxiety). I am getting support I need with gd's T, my own T, the awesome support with dh's own changes, and in my faith community. I have recently started to participate in the 12-step program at my church - recovery and healing focus on any need, not just addiction.

All these things have come together to put my family in a healthier place to be open to the changes we need to make. I realize many of the tools, skills, ideas have been offered to us in the past in different forms. We were not ready or able to take them in.

DD called today to have coffee or go shopping - this morning. I had appointment and offered to come at noon. When I called at noon, she said "maybe another time".  So whatever need she had for me this morning she got met in some other way. I have to remind myself that it is OK for her to only call when she has a need. It is not about me. I have to take care of my own needs. She also asked when her week at the motel was up. I said yesterday and I got a one week extension until next Thursday. We would work things out next week for after that.

The PO has told me not to worry about anything after next Thursday. Assume she will either be in the TRT program or in jail. Only time will tell.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I am so happy to hear that your dd will be in dual dx treatment.  You sure deserve that!  Finally, a break that may actually help!  You have been through so much, and I actually had happy tears when I read dual dx!

Sorry about the names your dd called you.  I have been called B****.  However, what hurt more than that was when she said that I was no longer her mother.  And, the times that she says that she wishes my sister was her mother instead of me.  And, then the next day, she will say that she is sorry. 

My dh keeps worrying about my dd getting her license back early March and getting another DUI.  A DUI because she still goes to methadone clinic, and I know that she still smokes pot.  He says that all she needs to do is get pulled over for some minor traffic stop, and she will fail a drug test.  I tell him that is a useless waste of energy to worry.  And, if it did happen it would not be the worst thing that could happen.  Sometimes, the end result is good. Perhaps, she would get help, if she was in jail.  Your dd being in front of a judge finally started the all rolling in getting her help.  And, you pushing so hard for your dd!  You are so awesome qcr!

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

peaceplease

[Verbena]

qcr,

I'm so glad your daughter was able to get into this program.  How restrictive is this program?  Will she be able to come and go as she pleases?  If she leaves, will be that be a probation violation? 

I will continue to pray that your DD is able to accept the help she needs and that she makes positive progress.

[qcarolr]

Have talked briefly with DD about her phone account. She has not mentioned this program. No surprise really as she does not include me in much detail of her life.

I really don't know the requirements. It may allow her to leave during the day for other sanctioned activities. I do know the alternative is regular jail.

Have to stop pondering and let things unfold as they will. Since I am a worrier by nature, this is hard.

qcr

[parent of bpd daughter]

Praying for you that this rehab works - you have had such an incredibly rough time of it. At least getting her into some type of protective custody for a few weeks will give you a few weeks to exhale. Glad you have a good probation officer for her right now - maybe some things she learns in rehab will sink in - at least a little. Hoping 2014 is better for you than 2013.

[qcarolr]

DD avoided going to her meetings at probation for 10 days. The PO asked me to drive her there today. She will be admitted to the detox unit until the bed in the transitional residential treatment program is available. DD's motel room has to be vacated by tomorrow -- I told the PO this yesterday. WHEW!

The tight timing of all this makes me so crazy-exhausted.

Now to stop thinking about DD for a bit, until she is to be released. Praying for the transition program to come up with some resources for housing for DD.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

DD avoided going to her meetings at probation for 10 days. The PO asked me to drive her there today. She will be admitted to the detox unit until the bed in the transitional residential treatment program is available. DD's motel room has to be vacated by tomorrow -- I told the PO this yesterday. WHEW!

qcarolr... . It sounds like the Universe/Providence has heard your prayers, and time is now on your side   

Now to stop thinking about DD for a bit, until she is to be released. Praying for the transition program to come up with some resources for housing for DD.

Please use this time separated from her and her problems to take care of yourself. She's made it this far (the transition program includes Dual Dx treatments/therapies?); the resources for housing should follow... . Keep the faith, and enjoy the peace for awhile 

[qcarolr]

Dh was gone 2 hours clearing out DD's motel room    I stayed home with gd for her nightly routine (which is going better and better with her new meds.).

The ARC is multiple step facility. DD is in the detox unit tonight. They usually limit the stay to 7 days. The bed in the TRT (Transitional Residential Treatment) unit has been delayed a week until 2/5 - that person has extended their stay. So the PO called and said she is working with the director to 1. allow dd to stay in unit until can transfer directly to TRT 2. discount the normal daily fee to compare with the TRT fee since that bed has become unavailable.

The commitment of this PO for dd is amazing to me. Have never heard of such a thing. So grateful.

Detox will get dd stable on her meds and any drugs out of her system.  She does not have much withdrawal, so hard to justify the cost of keeping her on this unit. She has nowhere to go until the TRT bed is open other than the street. The PO knows this too. We will help pay for the program, but not another trashed motel room. Release at this point would lead to another failure. The PO knows this too.

TRT provides stable environment, group counseling, case management for "instabilites in recovery: housing, employemnt, mental health". It is cognitive-based using the Matrix Model. I will have to look that one up.

There is also support after release with continued CBT groups. They also do all the 12-step groups there for the community daily.

DD will still be in the PACE program. I am not sure if she will be doing any outside activity while on the TRT unit. I know they want to connect her to outside therapist and to start her community service (she needs to do 48 hours). If they can get her going to thrift store there is real possibility for her to get a job there later - she has a hoarders passion for all the stuff of thrift stores. She has made lots of good finds dumpster diving with her friends, even when no longer homeless. It is amazing what people throw away.

So it is a good place for her if they PO can make it work. And DD seems open to doing it NOW.  When she gets more stable, this usually wanes. She has to stay for entire program starting now.

Prayers for the bed to stick. Thanks.

qcr

[qcarolr]

DD called. So my role as mom has shifted to supportive. There is never a real break for me. She asked to meet with gd and gd's T. She really wants to reconnect with gd. I said this would be good plan. She misses her new bfJ. I am not impressed. Seems to me he has a narcotics addiction. She wants to let him use her phone so he can call her.

Everyone around be tells me to do the tough love/detachment from DD. That my contact is enabling. So hard to discern what is loving her. I can't not talk to her. She asked why I am so cold and distant. I said I have been depressed and shut down on everything except the essentials that have to get done in my life.

She is on 5 day hold as of tonight. She wants to see bf. She knows the bed is there on 2/5 and plans to be back for that.

She did stop crying while we talked.

PO will call tomorrow about status for staying or not. So, do we pay for a room somewhere until the bed is available? We cannot control her bf being there, or anyone else, or the cleanliness. None of them have any sense of organization or cleanliness.

Enough for tonight.

qcr

[Thursday]

Again, I really want to kiss your DD's PO.

Everyone around be tells me to do the tough love/detachment from DD. That my contact is enabling. So hard to discern what is loving her. I can't not talk to her. She asked why I am so cold and distant. I said I have been depressed and shut down on everything except the essentials that have to get done in my life

Ever been to a party and been uncomfortable but made a little light chit-chat, a bit of social niceness, gone home and resumed being you? If you approach your contact with your DD this way, it might help her to feel you are not cold and distant.

It couldn't be more obvious that you love your daughter. Too often, with my SD22, there is the feeling for a need to correct, chastise, PARENT PARENT PARENT because her dysfunctions as a person are just so OBVIOUS. And there is a time and a place for it HOWEVER, sometimes we just have to pretend to be engaged. It is easier for her Dad (he has a different personality than me) but for me just sitting with all of her jazz is the same sort of torture as small talk at a party.

I see though, even though we finally got the separation that we so desperately needed for her to get clean and on a  better path, her Dad reverts to something a bit odd in my assessment. He still thinks of her as a 12 year old. Last night we went and had dinner together and she was telling us she has tickets to see a comic who has a racy repertoire. He actually told her that this comic was too adult for her. She's 22! She is an adult! He has laughed at this comic before and sees her humor but he just can't see that his little girl is actually an adult now.

Old patterns die HARD. When I speak to the separation we finally found it was an absolutely necessary thing in order for her to begin to heal. Living with all of the old patterns would not allow her to figure out anything. SD and my DH were not healthy together. She needed to see that other folks gave her the exact same advice as we gave her, pushed her in the same directions. She had to learn to trust others. Until then it was just blah, blah, blah from a parent.

After so long a time of her not living under our roof, not coming to us for her issues (and also not going to her dysfunctional friends) she found that others (not just us) felt that she had problems in her approach to her life. Her AA sponsors have been key.

My hope for your daughter is that she can work through all of it but especially AA because the tools of 12 steps WORK for BPD. And if she buys into AA, there is a real possibility that she will have a really great sponsor.

I see in your thoughts above that you are hoping for thrift shop work for her. My hunch is that for a person with hording tendencies to work at a thrift store is NOT a good place to work, not a good fit for your DD. You, however, as her ever protecting Mom, see that she likes thrift stores, it's happy for her and so, that is what you hope for her. The professionals will know what is a good fit for her with no pesky emotional connections to stand in the way.  .

DD called. So my role as mom has shifted to supportive. There is never a real break for me

Is there any way you can go on autopilot with your DD when she calls you for support? I GET that you aren't going to not answer the phone... . I don't think I would not answer the phone. But you can reframe these conversations to have a break. You have to decide that you are not going to stay in that place of anxiety, angst, turmoil. I truly believe that the key here is to trust this new chance for your DD. Trust it. You can be wrong later. Trust now, worry about later, later.

Wishing you only the best outcomes.

Thursday

[Being Mindful]

Great post from Thursday with good input and advice! I agree with all of it, especially the hoarding, working in a thrift shop and the mom connection that I think is at work here.

Being Mindful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Thursday, I so appreciate you insight. I totally get where your dh is coming from. It is hard to mentally shift to believing in my DD being an adult when she is always so needy with me. I know she is different than this with others. She is also more cheerful with her friends -- I have seen this as she walks across a parking lot when I have picked her up at the park.

Maybe I do need to find ways to be her friend and not 'the mom'. The party analogy: I do not do well at parties in general. Not good with the small talk, and 'smile and nod' doesn't work on the phone.

I looked up the Matrix Model that will be used in this program at ARC (Addiction Recovery Center). I believe there is great potential for this to work for DD. I did repeat to her several times last night - give this  a chance. You can learn new skills to help you manage your life and your relationships. With friends, at a job, in an apartment... .

Here is a link that explains this model well. DD does have a stimulant addiction. She denies this is an addiction. She claims this helps her ADHD. I too have been in denial about the addiction. I see that it creates or aggravates a very angry, raging, messed up young woman unable to function in her life.The only thing she says she will not use is anything to do with needles. So glad for this fear - record number of heroin deaths in our county last year.

www.methoide.fcm.arizona.edu/infocenter/index.cfm?stid=227

I wonder if they will offer the family support option mentioned in the article? That would be a great opportunity esp for dh.

Once she gets in the TRT program she will be in the initial 30 day intensive beginning phase. She will be under supervision of her PO throughout all of this. I really have to get out of the way. Wish I could role-play phone conversations with someone - maybe my T will do this with me. I see our family T tomorrow (gd's T).

[Thursday]

DD does have a stimulant addiction. She denies this is an addiction. She claims this helps her ADHD. I too have been in denial about the addiction. I see that it creates or aggravates a very angry, raging, messed up young woman unable to function in her life.The only thing she says she will not use is anything to do with needles. So glad for this fear - record number of heroin deaths in our county last year.

My SD also used to have her "reasons" as to why her drug use was "understandable" and "necessary". These reasons came out once she finally admitted she was using. Now, although we haven't discussed this, I'm pretty sure she would say she was escaping her unhappiness when she used. I sure hope she has that perspective... .

As for denial... . We really, for the longest while, thought she exaggerated her drug use. We thought it was like her bragging, she admitted to more than she did. Because, we  thought, how in the world did she do all of THAT while we were watching? She claims to have started in middle school, claims to have used daily after she turned 18 (we drug tested her from 16-18).

Once, she slept for 24 hours and didn't wake up for work. I pounded on her door a couple of times and gave up, called her Dad to come home and make sure she was alive because I didn't want to be the one to find her dead in her bed but even though I KNEW something was amiss we didn't go any further. I'm positive her cache of pills was in her room... . but we didn't even try to find it and confront her.

The single time we found her Xanax, her Dad believed her story that it was for someone else. He also believed her when we found hundreds of little "nickel bag" ziplock envelopes (she was selling pot to the losers at her job, $5.00 worth at a time) that she was "simply" buying pot and saving the little bags. We did nothing when, the next day, we searched her room again and all of the little nickel bag ziplocks were gone. She claimed she threw them away (denying that she filled them with pot and sold them) but we never looked in the garbage or asked her to produce them.

I can now see her ADHD now for what it is- my opinion of her ADHD is that it is maladaptive behavior that she can conquer. She is still very uncomfortable with who she is and the hyperactivity is the nervous expression of this lack of ease with herself. The over-talkativeness and restlessness hasn't changed at all yet. She has troubles calming down at night (yep, deep, uncomfortable thoughts come when you slow down and her sleep patterns are still so messed up. Everyone tries to help her with this and she won't listen, won't try to work on "sleep hygiene"... . I'm telling you this to show you she still has her issues but she has figured out how to live with herself without the addiction behaviors, without using.

It's going to be a long and possibly difficult journey for your daughter, to learn how to get along without using. I don't think an addict needs a needle to be down and out. They just need their drugs and any way they get them into their body is bad. SD was swallowing as many as 18 Xanax at a time. And drinking on top of it. (I've taken Xanax before dental procedures- a single 5mg. pill has gotten me so loopy I submitted to a root canal without really caring or being nervous) She was so close to killing herself with her drug use... . so close. And her understanding of this is what has kept her clean.

I'm not sure that being "her friend" as opposed to being her Mom is really what your DD needs. Do you think you can reframe how the Mom relationship can be different and better for her? "Friend" will come later, when it is appropriate. I am certainly not my SD's friend. She has enough friends. I am now and will continue to be the person who has a positive word for her, who cheers her on but who is still not buddy-buddy because her BPD keeps that too dangerous a relationship. She is still so needy she would swallow me whole if I allowed it. She really seeks a Mom and I can't do that for her. Because I am NOT her Mom. Because her Mom died. And she really, REALLY needs still, to come to grips with that and if I had stepped into that, she would never find a place to sit with her grief and her loss. When I see she is not looking for a woman to replace her Mom, I'll know she is really doing well. But that is our dynamic, not yours.

thursday

[Being Mindful]

I agree with being her mom and not a friend. 

[qcarolr]

So I am being her mom tonight. DD is in pain, and I have to trust others that know what to do.

The staff at detox said to me tonight "do you have support? reach out to it now"

So here I am. Also sent message to my T.

DD called saying her antibiotics for MRSA infections "all over" are not working. She is now oozing green pus and in a lot of pain. This is real. I saw the 2 sores on her face two days ago. She was hysterical. Got her to get staff person to get a release so I could call and talk to them. Said this is real, if they are not working she needs to go to hospital for IV antibiotics and culture. Takes 3 days to get results back. It can be very serious if crosses the skin barrier. So gave the staff the phone for her clinic's on call doc to help them make these decisions. Took myself out of the loop. Also said she does not seem safe - they know what to do to keep her safe.

I have to trust them. And keep praying.

The PO called me - she had not called detox back yet. Her opinion is that DD is getting past the detox stage and reality is sinking in. This contributes to the anxiety attack. The MRSA is a focus to cope with this - though it is real and a true risk factor.

The PO also told me she spent a lot of time in past 2 days to secure care for DD in this facility for a full 6 weeks. I will go in Monday and prepay the daily fee. It is less than a motel room for 6 weeks. A motel room that was not a manageable situation for DD. She actually went in person to detox today to get answers - no one would call her back. I am in awe of her care and perseverance. I could here young kids in the background when she called me tonight. So much gratitude for this.

DD is on phone begging me to turn her cell back on. I suspended it today. Maybe this is part of her anxiety attack. Losing her text contact with her friends. I said is the staff tells me it is allowed, I will. She needs to work with the program. Then they called her away from the phone. I asked for their support when i talked to the staff - how hard it is for me.

This is all about detachment with love and it really is awful. Feels like betrayal in some ways. Even though in my mind I know she is where she needs to be, and I have to let them be the ones there for her.

I have to get good composure back before I go downstairs with dh and gd. It is almost time to get her to bed - need to get her the night-time medication. Gd is doing really well. Had a good session with gd's T today. I can hold onto this fact. I am a good mom, a good grandma. Even with all the human mistakes I have made.

qcr

[lever.]

Really feel for you, you have worked so hard to support your daughter. I am sorry she is so unwell, at least there are other people around to support her and she is in a safe place. It is hard to detach with love and I think that it is more a shift in the intensity of the attachment. Thinking of you and your daughter

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

This is all about detachment with love and it really is awful.

Yes, it is. Its a step you have to take though.

Feels like betrayal in some ways.

Yes, it does. But you will all get past this feeling and better feelings will come into play.

Even though in my mind I know she is where she needs to be, and I have to let them be the ones there for her

Yes, you do. And you can.

When my SD is in a situation similar to this, she gets sick or hurt. I know your DD's MRSA is real... . I also believe that there is a powerful mind/body connection... . and your DD knows that her MRSA is the thing you will always address so she called you. You did a great job telling the powers that be what she needs and then standing back.

We have endured not jumping when SD calls us with her maladies. Once she found she could not get us to jump she tried several other people in her life. Then she had to deal with things on her own. The last time (its usually some unmentionable "female problem" she ended up in the ER, dropped off and left to deal with it herself in the middle of the night. I think that was the last shot.

Once your DD figures out she has to field issues on her own with her MRSA, she will be able to be a good advocate for herself. It's just another difficult piece... . but it is part what you hope to accomplish. Try to keep that in the front of your mind as you cut the strings. Staying cognizant that you are trying to do something very positive for the future will help. Focus!

Glad to hear your GD is doing well!

[qcarolr]

Thursday - your encouragement helps so much. Thanks.

qcr

[qcarolr]

DD called me in such distress claiming unreasonable deprivations had taken place. So I called to verify.

DD: given nuts for breakfast she is allergic to.  staff at detox: she said I cannot eat these nuts - I am allergic; then she ate some. She survived the reaction. I told them there is a real risk with nuts.

DD: She is in a lot of pain. They refused to give her the antibiotics for her infection, and are making her sleep by the door to the office, strip searched her, searched her things and broke them. staff: she is refusing to keep band-aids on the MRSA sores on her face so is being isolated from the others in detox. They do not have her in an isolation room, have kept her nearby. She is sitting in the office with them while I am talking to staff person because she had to pause in talking to me and ask DD to sit back down.

FEELS LIKE: the staff is talking to a 3 year old having a tantrum. I do not choose to say this to the staff person.

The staff I spoke with to verify Dd's statements was there when she was in detox about 3 weeks ago for 4 days. She does not recognize DD today as the same person. She is so much more distressed. She had MRSA last time too. So I shared some about her decline the past couple weeks. I also shared that this sounded like a significant dysregulation from her BPD. The staff person agreed.

I suggested that the apparent defiant and resistant behaviors, that were manipulative, are being driven by extreme fear. Fears of abandonment, betrayal, and that she will die in there. These feelings are real and driving her behaviors. If they can try to sincerely assure her that they will care for her and keep her safe, even when she reacts violently to this initially, they have to find ways to calm her emotions. Only then can she hear the logical and rational  about her behavior and the consequences. The staff person was sincerely appreciative for this feedback.

I said her calls to me were hooking that soft spot with her health for me to rescue her. She wants to leave. And I was going to keep saying no. I know she has to ask them for the help she needs. This is the only way she will be able to find a spark of trust in them. That talking to me and my saying no was not going to be helpful, though I would like her to be able to call me once a day. They are going to restrict her calls for today, and maybe tomorrow.

I also shared about my contact with the PO yesterday about the 6 weeks that has been agreed upon. Did DD know yet she was not getting released on Monday from the 5 day hold? There were no notes in the file on this agreement, and I did not know who the PO had talked to. I did know that I was coming in Monday to prepay for this 6 weeks. Perhaps all the paperwork will be completed on Monday. And based on DD's meltdown she will not be in a safe place to release on Monday anyway.

The other issue is the MRSA. It is worse today. I said none of us had ever gotten infected by DD being in our home, and that I was immune suppressed. Good hygiene, gloved hands, seemed to work. Keeping her away. She has the phone for the infectious disease clinic doctor on call. That is who can advise about when a trip to the hospital would be needed. They can transport her by ambulance. I told them about the 5 days of twice daily IV treatments for a bad infection last January.

I have to trust that DD will indeed be taken care of -- this is all that I can do. I pray that the staff can have courage and perseverance to give some level of comfort to DD in spite of her anger and resistance. The staff person said to me - "and you have been doing this already for a long time". I could only agree.

I love my daughter NO MATTER WHAT. It feels like I was able to transmit this need for love to this staff person. She said I could call anytime to check on how DD is doing even though DD will not be allowed to call me.

I am so very very grateful for all the knowledge that I have gained over the past couple years - most of it form this forum and working with my gd's child/family T. Sincere strength in love has to be there under everything else, or none of it works very well for our troubled kids. Love alone is not enough, but it is the pre-requisite for all that follows.

Self-care and support -- knowing my values and the boundaries needed to protect them -- validation skills and practice -- strength in my faith in a God of love in my distress. He is there for DD too, even when she does not have awareness of this.

I pray for her to find some peace, and for her MRSA to get the proper treatment to heal.

qcr

[qcarolr]

And now I can cry. Thank you all for sharing my story and my tears. This so hard. I keep thinking I have endured the unendurable, and then more comes. Dh took gd8 an a motorcycle ride - it is 60 today. Colorado for ya. He just called and they are going to stop for a short hike.

I get a little alone time. This is good.

qcr