that song by Gnarls Barkley...

[delusionalxox]

I'm in a strange, tight, empty place right  now.

I know at last that I won't ever see him again, and this is good because he is hurtful and toxic and will never change.

But I still blame myself too, and wonder why I had to attach to a person like this.

Also somehow feel this is it, my love turned toxic, there won't be love now for me, except the great love I have for my sons and other family.

I'm very lonely right now.

Who's gonna save my soul

I got some bad news this morning

Which in turn made my day

When this someone spoke I listened

All of a sudden, has less and less to say

Oh, how could this be?

All this time, I've lived vicariously

Who's gonna save my soul now?

Who's gonna save my soul now?

How will my story ever be told now?

How will my story be told now?

Made me feel like somebody

Hmmm, like somebody else

Although he was imitated often

It felt like I was bein myself

Is it a shame that someone else's song

Was totally and completely dependent on

Who's gonna save my soul now?

Who's gonna save my soul now?

I wonder if I'll live to grow old now

Gettin high cause I feel so low now

And maybe it's a little selfish

All I have is the memory

Yet I never stopped to wonder-

Was it possible you were hurting worse than me?

Still my hunger turns to greed

Cause what about what I need?

And oh, Who's gonna save my soul now?

Who's gonna save my soul now?

Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now

Oooh-ooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down


So much of this speaks to me of BPD and codependent relationships like my own. Living vicariously, the dependence, the hunger turning to greed.

I know a lot of you don't like music since the BPD but it helps me to cry, which is healing.

Love to all who need it. xx

[LilMissSunshine]

Thank you delusional.  I can totally relate to your entire post.  I struggle to answer that same question; "why did I have to attach to a person like this" every moment of every day.  Then I cry and ask, "why could he not have been normal?"  Why, why, why     Like you, I also have focused my love onto my children and family.

Right now, however, in order to understand why I attached and fell in love with my exBPDbf I first need to understand what/who he is.  One step at a time.  I've only been here a short while, but I've come a long way.  And... . there will be love, a healthy love, again for YOU, ME and EVERYONE ELSE HERE.

[delusionalxox]

Hi Lilmiss

I actually don't want to understand him any more. In fact due to recent communications with him (which I'll put on another thread, they might be enlightening to people going through similar) I think I have finally seen through to the empty angry child he is. I am too angry myself to feel sorry for him, but he gave me a sort of gift of some detachment from him. I also physically kept away from him and refused his requests to come back to him - my god did that make him angry and vengeful    even though I said I would always be his friend.

But no he didn't want that. No control there, nothing to use. No good to him.

I think I've finally seen his emptiness and rottenness... I know I was deceived, yet I should have been tough enough to leave years ago. All the signs were there in black and white (and red - LOL). I ignored them and turned him into my 'soulmate'   and that is what i have to deal  with. I don't understand it yet, hence the emptiness and confusion I feel.

big hug. xx

[LilMissSunshine]

I think I've finally seen his emptiness and rottenness... I know I was deceived, yet I should have been tough enough to leave years ago. All the signs were there in black and white (and red - LOL). I ignored them and turned him into my 'soulmate'    and that is what i have to deal  with.  I don't understand it  yet, hence the emptiness and confusion I feel.

I did and do feel the same way.  Just keep in mind - we will never understand "them", but we can try to understand their disorder.  I believe doing so helps with the emptiness and feelings of confusion.  Big congrats on staying away from him    and putting some control back in your life.  I hope, if I'm ever in that situation, I can be as strong as you 

Friends    .  Would never work.  Your right - no control and he knows you've already seen what's behind his mask.

[delusionalxox]

Hi Lil

As you will see from my other thread, he quite genuinely believes everything is my fault (including his cheating and dumping me pregnant), he was abused for three years and that I should be very grateful that he would even think of forgiving me.

The distortion is just astonishing. He owes me thousands of pounds (which he denies of course), ate a huge chunk of my time and life. I wore myself out acceding to his ridiculous demands and finally he lied nd lied and lied for months, abandoned me at my darkest hour and then expected me to run back to his arms.

I used to hate him. Now I just feel this strange coldness in my soul. I wonder how this will look to me in a few years.

I feel shame, I despise myself for having stayed with him.