quick - what do i say

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

quick background for those of you who have not been following along at home:

uBPDh of 11 yrs, high functioning, in total denial until a few weeks ago when he snooped in my room and found some books about BPD. had first psych. appt this week, next one on monday. i have decided that my part of the emotional/ romantic/ physical relationship is over. set the boundary and explained what i was willing to do (play happy family for the kids, be supportive as he works towards healing, take care of normal household duties, keep our private life private and put on the show for acquaintances etc.) he admitted he had a problem, its all his fault, agreed he had BPD etc, and would get help. this still makes no difference to me cause... . you know. how many times do we "make up" and they do the same crap? so to protect myself and be true to myself, i refuse to "try again" or give him trust with my heart. i personally think that BPDs will not really work towards healing until there is no one to accept blame for their unhappiness. the only way i can see to do that is to remove that relational aspect and have a business partnership in our household.


i have stated my stance repeatedly, and had to rebuff physical contact and reinforce boundaries, i have explained i think it's for his own good and my own as well, and he accepts it at the time... . but he STILL is trying to win my affection/ attention. he is bringing me flowers and candy, helping around the house, telling me how great i am, asking abut my day, following me like a puppy. it all sounds GREAT doesn't it? but i KNOW he can't or won't keep it up if i "go back to him". all of you know that! i know that! HE doesn't know it though! 

SO, he left me a voicemail today begging me to explain to him how i want to be loved so he can do that. i am so frustrated with this. i of course feel responsible/ guilty for his feelings of rejection everytime i rebuff him, and am trying to be gentle. he is asking me to go on dates with him and crap like that. it's like NO! what part of NO don't you get? and it is making me feel really bad! so what do i say to him in response to that? because what i freaking feel like saying is "I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!" but certainly that is unkind. HELP!

[Seneca]

quick background for those of you who have not been following along at home:

uBPDh of 11 yrs, high functioning, in total denial until a few weeks ago when he snooped in my room and found some books about BPD. had first psych. appt this week, next one on monday. i have decided that my part of the emotional/ romantic/ physical relationship is over. set the boundary and explained what i was willing to do (play happy family for the kids, be supportive as he works towards healing, take care of normal household duties, keep our private life private and put on the show for acquaintances etc.) he admitted he had a problem, its all his fault, agreed he had BPD etc, and would get help. this still makes no difference to me cause... . you know. how many times do we "make up" and they do the same crap? so to protect myself and be true to myself, i refuse to "try again" or give him trust with my heart. i personally think that BPDs will not really work towards healing until there is no one to accept blame for their unhappiness. the only way i can see to do that is to remove that relational aspect and have a business partnership in our household.


i have stated my stance repeatedly, and had to rebuff physical contact and reinforce boundaries, i have explained i think it's for his own good and my own as well, and he accepts it at the time... . but he STILL is trying to win my affection/ attention. he is bringing me flowers and candy, helping around the house, telling me how great i am, asking abut my day, following me like a puppy. it all sounds GREAT doesn't it? but i KNOW he can't or won't keep it up if i "go back to him". all of you know that! i know that! HE doesn't know it though! 

SO, he left me a voicemail today begging me to explain to him how i want to be loved so he can do that. i am so frustrated with this. i of course feel responsible/ guilty for his feelings of rejection everytime i rebuff him, and am trying to be gentle. he is asking me to go on dates with him and crap like that. it's like NO! what part of NO don't you get? and it is making me feel really bad! so what do i say to him in response to that? because what i freaking feel like saying is "I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!" but certainly that is unkind. HELP!

[seeking balance]

quick background for those of you who have not been following along at home:

uBPDh of 11 yrs, high functioning, in total denial until a few weeks ago when he snooped in my room and found some books about BPD. had first psych. appt this week, next one on monday. i have decided that my part of the emotional/ romantic/ physical relationship is over. set the boundary and explained what i was willing to do (play happy family for the kids, be supportive as he works towards healing, take care of normal household duties, keep our private life private and put on the show for acquaintances etc.)

Hey Seneca,

I know you are likely at your wits end of patience by the time it gets to this... . honestly, I do.

So, answering the question honestly (not in email or in text),  - "You are showing me love by continuing with the therapy path, thank you for doing this for you, me and our kids."

I am guessing that is true, right - since you don't want flowers, etc - you want him to focus on his issues while you focus on your part and learning to work within the parameters of BPD.

[Seneca]

seeking balance, you are a rockstar! that is way better than the SET technique i was practicing, bc the "truth" part was going to be about how i don't want a romantic rs and that would just hurt him again. not certain he is going to let me get off that easy, but it's worth a shot! thanks again!

[seeking balance]

seeking balance, you are a rockstar! that is way better than the SET technique i was practicing, bc the "truth" part was going to be about how i don't want a romantic rs and that would just hurt him again. not certain he is going to let me get off that easy, but it's worth a shot! thanks again!

Yeah, I couldn't think of a good SET response, so keeping the answer simple, but true seemed validating and honest w/o false promises.

Good Luck

[maxsterling]

It feels weird to have to think so hard about how to respond to a pwBPD to prevent damage, doesn't it?

I'm hoping that some day it will come more naturally to me.  It's not that I am often caught saying the wrong thing, but I feel like I need to think about every word before I say it just in case. 

I think the advice given was good.  Let us know how it works out.

[seeking balance]

not certain he is going to let me get off that easy, but it's worth a shot! thanks again!

This is boundary work on your part Seneca

DEARMAN if necessary, stay mindful and don't react (yeah, I know way easier said than done).  There is a greater good window open right now.

[rj47]

Seneca.

You're light years ahead of me. I fold almost every time she plays the "I'm sorry, I truly love you, but pity me" card. I hope you will post how it plays out.

[rj47]

And... . I have been playing the "thank you for doing this for yourself first and foremost and then perhaps for us" card.

My BPDw started therapy a week ago. Each time she begins to cycle up over it, as in "you know I'm only doing this for you", I thank her for loving me enough to deny herself. It may add up to nothing; but nothing ventured... . nothing gained.

[Seneca]

thanks guys! i did use the SET technique. i let him know i am proud of him and here to support him (looking in the eyes, hand on his shoulder), that i can't even imagine how hard this is on him and i can see he has been clearly anxious and feeling badly. and followed it up with, "and you asked me how you can love me right now? you can love me and the girls by continuing to take your meds and go to your appointments, so that you can improve yourself for you and for us. i do appreciate the nice things you have been doing for me very much, but you do not need to do those things. just continue working on yourself."

he did not press, which he totally would have if i had said something else, so thank you again seekingbalance. 

he did follow me around like a lost puppy all night. he is so sad, hardly sleeping, weepy all the time. this is horrible, but with no one to blame, he has to feel his feelings now. i will not protect him anymore by using my body and heart as a shield. God help us.

[Seneca]

And... . I have been playing the "thank you for doing this for yourself first and foremost and then perhaps for us" card.

My BPDw started therapy a week ago. Each time she begins to cycle up over it, as in "you know I'm only doing this for you", I thank her for loving me enough to deny herself. It may add up to nothing; but nothing ventured... . nothing gained.

rj, has your wife ever been prescribed any meds to deal with things? i am "lucky" in that things got about 70% better when my H's concurrent depression began to be treated by SSRIs. he would still dysregulate, but it totally knocks the edges off. and i was what really got me to stand back and get a bit of clarity finally. good luck to you guys!

[seeking balance]

thanks guys! i did use the SET technique. i let him know i am proud of him and here to support him (looking in the eyes, hand on his shoulder), that i can't even imagine how hard this is on him and i can see he has been clearly anxious and feeling badly. and followed it up with, "and you asked me how you can love me right now? you can love me and the girls by continuing to take your meds and go to your appointments, so that you can improve yourself for you and for us. i do appreciate the nice things you have been doing for me very much, but you do not need to do those things. just continue working on yourself."

he did not press, which he totally would have if i had said something else, so thank you again seekingbalance. 

he did follow me around like a lost puppy all night. he is so sad, hardly sleeping, weepy all the time. this is horrible, but with no one to blame, he has to feel his feelings now. i will not protect him anymore by using my body and heart as a shield. God help us.

Nicely done!

Right now, he needs to know your structure is there, but he has to face his demons... . he is doing very big work now.

Have you read Buddha and the Borderline?  It is a great story of recovery, hope and the very real journey of DBT.

Keep taking care of you and the kids 

[rj47]

rj, has your wife ever been prescribed any meds to deal with things? i am "lucky" in that things got about 70% better when my H's concurrent depression began to be treated by SSRIs. he would still dysregulate, but it totally knocks the edges off. and i was what really got me to stand back and get a bit of clarity finally. good luck to you guys!

Seneca. I'm familiar with most of the SSRIs, and Benzodiazepams. She was on anti-depressants for many years, now Clonazepam for anxiety. She's had a ten year medical dependency on strong narcotic pain meds;unfortunate but necessary. We've spent a lot of money and time in the past year with specialists to find some underlying causes as she's been in major flare-up with one condition for several years with internal inflammation and hormonal imbalances resulting in many days of no sleep and near dementia at times. The BPD has become a secondary issue at times. The conditions have fed the PD like nothing I have ever experienced. We recently found hope for improvement in her quality of life after more focused testing revealed conditions that may respond to treatment. In fairness to her; she got a raw deal as a child in a screwed up family, spent years at doctors, and, and was shut-in a lot of the time as child. The BPD is real, its been a problem for decades, but we managed it much better before her spiraling health inflammed it. Its part of the reason I stay.

Sorry... . I didn't mean to change the subject.

My big issue right now is keeping her engaged with the therapist. She believes that new treatment and  changes in diet are going to "fix" her mental state. She worries about the major out of pocket costs we've incurred and wants to terminate her therapy. Last night she said she was going to cancel her next appointment. I suspect it part guilt over the finances, but, more fear of confronting the deep emotional conditions.

I told her I believed it was important for her to continue therapy as an adjunct to her medical treatment, make sense of the suffering she's endured, and, to help her claw back to the person she once was. She agreed to continue for a few months.