Just found an email my exBPDbf sent to my friend. Wow.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I remembered that I had saved an old email from years ago and I found it backed up on my hard drive. Now that I know so much about BPD I'm really undersanding alot. Early into our relationship my ex and I went on a road trip to meet some very close friends of mine. This was obviously still in the idealizing phase. I told my ex my friend many many years ago was diagnosed as bipolar. You would never know it if you met him. He is one of the greatest people I've ever met and took control and responsibility for this diagnosis at a very young age, is stable, responsible, has a stable family life, etc. This is what my ex boyfriend sent to him after meeting him once. . .

Dear XXX,

When “feelingcrazy7832” first told me about you and your background I was very interested. It was the first time I found someone who had a problem like my own and was friends with someone I knew as well. She told me how you struggled for a long time but kept your head up until you found a way to get a handle on your swings. I always tried to hide my problem by isolating myself from people and friends. Needless to say I lost all my friends because of this. I would run and hide and not talk to anyone for months at a time. I was very ashamed of myself and felt like nobody would understand or ever love me. My ex-wife wouldn’t help me and ended up using me for my money until I couldn’t take it anymore.

After my ex wife was out of my life I shut myself off and talked to no one for a year until I tried to kill myself. I didn’t follow through with it because i felt that there had to be a bigger reason for having this problem and I was curious to why I was the way I was. First i learned about the chemicals my brain should be making and what they did. Then I tried to look at the spiritual side of things. I have a large giving side to myself but I just show and give it in a very different way.

When I first met “feelingcrazy7832” I felt flooded with emotion and a true sense of hope. I should have told her the truth then but I was afraid she would have ran for the hills. For awhile she was like medication. Her love suppressed all the bad feelings in me and I think I was happy for the first time in a long time. I would have done anything to keep this going so I took speed to keep any depression cycles from popping up in me. It worked for a little while but I was lying to her the whole time. I don’t think I ever felt this bad. “Feelingcrazy’s daughter XXX”  has been such a huge part of my life now that I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

“Feelingcrazy7832” has been very helpful and understanding and I thought she would have stopped loving me but I was dead wrong. She is sticking by my side so that will make this easier to deal with. I thank you for extending your hand out to me. I have never had a friend willing to listen to me like that. I thought you were one of the greatest people i had ever been introduced to. That is until I met your boyfriend. Honestly you both made me cry when i got home. You have a person in your life you get to have for a friend and lover that is willing to stick by you and we all deserve the right to be loved.

My parents are not supporting my problem they feel that it’s something i should be able to deal with on my own and I cant. I need “feelingcrazy7832” for more than just a friend. I love her so much that it hurts. I would never forgive myself if i let her go. She brought love and hope into my life and gave me a reason to try and find a way to control my moods. I owe her my life. I’m so happy to have got to spend time with you guys, it meant so much to me. I want to give you a big hug. Your story inspires me to try, i don’t feel as alone as I felt most my life. Thank you for opening up to me it’s making me cry right now while i write this to you.

I will make it up to you somehow I promise. If you don’t mind I would like to keep writing to you as I try to work with doctors. I feel like I can tell you anything and you wouldn’t be upset. I know you don’t know me that well but I feel like I know you better than most other people I associate with. You understand what goes on when you can’t face the world and little hope seems to be there. Thanks again!

[feelingcrazy7832]

Of course, you have to realize that the B.S. about his ex wife was lies. She didn't use him for money. He had none because he was gambling it all away, spending it on drugs, not coming home, basically treating her like sh--t until she couldn't take it anymore and left him. He made up all kinds of lies about her. Then, I read an email where she was saying she wished nothing but the best for him and was just checking in with him to see how he was doing. His response back to her was that he was staying off drugs, had good friends, not gambling, life was great, etc. It was all lies. He was still gambling, doing drugs, hanging out with less than great influences, etc. He even said something that he always said to me back to her "you were the best thing that ever happened to me and i'm so sorry for the way I treated you." You have NO IDEA how many times I've heard that from him.

[delusionalxox]

Wow, this is an eyeopener for me. Reminds me of my ex in regret/confession mode.

What hit me is at least your ex is admitting he has problems. But all the other usual stuff is still there eh. Idealisation (of the friend, boyfriend, and you), devaluation and projection onto evil ex wife. The seductive emotionality (which suckered me in too  ). The outpouring of what looks so very genuine and yet is just another version, a half-truth for themto live in in that moment.

Congratulations for getting away.