Decided to leave her and now she wants me to stay

[bpdsupport]

After five years of me trying to make it work and she kept damaging, no heathy limits, she kept filing for divorce and I keep giving in and the last two months of being treated like trash in front of my kids, I have finally decided to leave her. I told her that I want a divorce. She gave me silent treatment for a day. Left the house for a whole day, then when I tried to get out of the house for couple of hours to give myself a break from chaos, she started screaming again, disrespecting me in front of the kids, involving our four-year old daughter in the chaos, our daughter starts crying and asks me not to leave. Wife demanded to pack all my belongings and leave our apartment(the lease is under her name) I explained to her that I don't have a place yet and I'll leave when I find one, three hours of argument. Then she was being in denial and kept asking me if I am serious. I told her that I am. I told her we need to work on how to handle our kids time-share, and financials, another two hours of argent(while kids were sleeping, she had calmed down). She started crying trying to justify her abnormal behaviors. Telling me that the past three times she filed for divorce was to scare me and she blamed me for all her abnormal behaviors... .  

Now she's asking to come back and sleep in our bed(she hasn't been allowing me to sleep in our bedroom for almost two months)I been sleeping in the living room on the carpet.)

And she tells me this, "I know I have been treating you really bad, especially during the past two months. I know I am driving this emotional roller coaster. I am unable control it. I have no idea how to control it. I am really sorry and I see and know that you have been very patient with me."

This morning she tells me that she won't let me give up and walk away from our marriage. And that we have two kids and need to work this out. And that she knows if we divorce, it'll be down hell going forward. And that she'll give me time and a break...

I have been suffering, our kids are suffering, our families suffering. She made sure I have no friends. I have decided to leave because it's not working. I have tried, tried and tried... . I gave in every time all the time. This is not healthy for anyone involved.

I know that if I don't don't pursue the divorce, pretty soon, she'll start taking everyone on the emotional roller coaster again... .

[schwing]

Hi BPDsupport,

Telling me that the past three times she filed for divorce was to scare me and she blamed me for all her abnormal behaviors... .  

This sentence is quite telling.  As I see it, people with BPD (pwBPD) deal with fear of abandonment, even when it's only in their imagination.  And because of their disorder, they imagine it quite a lot.  Even when you had no intention of leaving and wanted to try to make it work, she kept *imagining* that in spite of what you say and do, she *imagined* that you intended to abandon her.  And it is to this perceived (and disordered fear of) abandonment that she acted out in all the ways that she did.

Even though her problem is that she experiences these disordered feelings and thoughts, she chooses to blame you.

I told her that I want a divorce. She gave me silent treatment for a day. Left the house for a whole day, then when I tried to get out of the house for couple of hours to give myself a break from chaos, she started screaming again, disrespecting me in front of the kids, involving our four-year old daughter in the chaos, our daughter starts crying and asks me not to leave.

And now that you are actually leaving, she again reacts to this as "abandonment" no longer imagined, but certainly perceived.

Now she's asking to come back and sleep in our bed(she hasn't been allowing me to sleep in our bedroom for almost two months)I been sleeping in the living room on the carpet.)

And she tells me this, "I know I have been treating you really bad, especially during the past two months. I know I am driving this emotional roller coaster. I am unable control it. I have no idea how to control it. I am really sorry and I see and know that you have been very patient with me."

She is *desperate* to avoid her perceived abandonment.

This morning she tells me that she won't let me give up and walk away from our marriage. And that we have two kids and need to work this out. And that she knows if we divorce, it'll be down hell going forward. And that she'll give me time and a break...

She sounds reasonable now.  But she is not in control of her feelings, she never has been.  Right now, her feelings, her desperation to avoid this perceived abandonment, is driving her to perhaps even devalue herself.  She'll accept for a while some of her culpability in what pushed you to come to this decision.  But I'd be concerned that it won't last for very long before she goes back to her previous disordered dynamic.

I have been suffering, our kids are suffering, our families suffering. She made sure I have no friends. I have decided to leave because it's not working. I have tried, tried and tried... . I gave in every time all the time. This is not healthy for anyone involved.

I know that if I don't don't pursue the divorce, pretty soon, she'll start taking everyone on the emotional roller coaster again... .

She's changed her tactic.  What motivates her (i.e., her disorder) has not changed.  You know where this is going to go.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Changingman]

Yes, I spent 14 years in this cycle, regardless of where we were in life. As we did well in work and home buying and kids the cycle never stopped. She would threaten the end, and I would leave and she would do anything to make me stay or get me back. Never believing I'd do it until I left. I think this was just controlling behaviours.

The kids got to an age and I just thought it was just so awful to see their father abused and worse so I really left. She spent 2+ years doing anything to get me to return. From threats to crying to putting on voices phoning people, driving me at high speed so I had to have a conversation, stalking me, stalking me online.

Finally when she found a replacement (thank The Lord) she just trashed me to him, and it was me causing her to be so obnoxious.

Therapy might have helped but I know she would have trashed the therapist. Her mum and dad offered to pay for guidance councilor but she wouldn't go. Ha of course not they would have seen her covert BPD tendencies.

Some things just are, if she would go to therapy... . maybe, just maybe

[bpdsupport]

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I really need your support.

[santa]

Just go, dude. It's guaranteed to end in disaster no matter what. Save yourself the trouble.

I'd rather lose 5 years than 20. Quit hanging on and get yourself a divorce.

[seeking balance]

You have received valuable input on what is going on with her - nothing for me to add to on that front.

If you are sticking to your guns of leaving - might I suggest reading Splitting by Bill Eddy.  It really does logically outline what to expect in a high conflict divorce from the perspective of the PD, the system and navigating the waters.

Peace,

SB

[Mazda]

RUN! Victim no longer! There is a fantastic relationship out there waiting for you and your adorable kids!  There is a whole world out there (well 98%) that is BPD free!

[Lucky Jim]

Agree with those above.  It's a great big world out there and I predict you won't miss the drama and constant upheaval.  My BPDExW used to kick me out of the house, then call me frantically all night to get me to return home.  It's that same push-me-pull-you dynamic that you describe.  I spent 16 years married to a pwBPD.  It doesn't get any easier, in my experience, and in many cases can get much, much worse.  Many of us (read: me) stayed way too long.  Lucky Jim

[bpdsupport]

Thank you all for your support. Now she's talking about how she loves me and she doesn't want us to break apart and that we have kids and that for the past years you have been trying to to keep us together and now it's her turn and that she'll do anything to fix this. And that we can barely survive now and how will we be surviving in two houses. She doesn't want our kids to live in two different houses... . And that she'll listen to me all the things I suggested, healthy limits... . And etc... . This is dressing me out ... . I told her that  the relationship is been damaging me... . And the kids and that this is not normal relationship ... . I told her that if you love someone, you don't treat them this way... . I told her can survive in two different houses... . I am being hopeful... .

[santa]

Thank you all for your support. Now she's talking about how she loves me and she doesn't want us to break apart and that we have kids and that for the past years you have been trying to to keep us together and now it's her turn and that she'll do anything to fix this. And that we can barely survive now and how will we be surviving in two houses. She doesn't want our kids to live in two different houses... . And that she'll listen to me all the things I suggested, healthy limits... . And etc... . This is dressing me out ... . I told her that  the relationship is been damaging me... . And the kids and that this is not normal relationship ... . I told her that if you love someone, you don't treat them this way... . I told her can survive in two different houses... . I am being hopeful... .

You're going to die before your time if you stay with this woman. I hate to put it in those terms, but it's the truth. The stress it will cause you over the years just ravages your body. Read up on how partners of BPD develop serious health problems at an early age. It's scary how typical it is. These women literally send you to an early grave... . and that's if you can keep them sane enough to not take you out themselves in some fit.

BPDs are literally vampires that suck the life out of you. I know you love your kids, but don't be a martyr.

[Lucky Jim]

I told her that  the relationship is been damaging me... . And the kids and that this is not normal relationship

BPDsupport, If you re-read your own words (above), I think it will help you decide on your next move.  A rubber band can only be stretched so far before it breaks.  Think about what is best for you and the kids.  Hang in there, LJ

[Changingman]

My x wife said after 14 years of crap from her ... .

You stopped trying

Yours said

I won't let you give up on our marriage

That is how bad it is

Hidious

[bpdsupport]

Thank you all for your support. It's been a month and half that she is been going to therapist and keep trying to make things better. I still sleep in the living room. She keeps trying but I still feel like if I give in completely, she'll start again.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, I think once we take the abuse, they step it up. To see how much abuse we will take before we break, and then subsequently leave them.

She knows now that you have had enough.

A couple of quetions:

Even thought she knows she has disorderd thoughts, is she still blaming you for them?

Has she made any progress in that regard?

Is she acting like an adult and keeping her anger / sadness / insecurities / paranoia away from your children?

The one piece of advice that helped me at the end of my marriage was this... .

If the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, it is time to go.

blessings,

L

[GreenMango]

You still going thru with the divorce?

[Lucky Jim]

Be prepared for a heavy dose of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), and try to be aware when you are being manipulated.  It's almost a certainty that she will try to employ one of these manipulation techniques, or a combination of them, so your job is to be mindful when she is playing these mind games to get you to do something she wants.  Lucky Jim

[arielleis]

Unfortunately BPD people don't think like you.

My advice is the same: "Run".

I would hate for you to be in an instance where they keep you around the time they find some other source then they drop you like yesterday's news.

Be strong! Call it quits. You will walk out feeling empowered and don't look back. It is sad, but that's the reality that exists in this relationship.

AL

[bpdsupport]

Yes, I think once we take the abuse, they step it up. To see how much abuse we will take before we break, and then subsequently leave them.

She knows now that you have had enough.

A couple of quetions:

Even thought she knows she has disorderd thoughts, is she still blaming you for them? not as much

Has she made any progress in that regard? Yes

Is she acting like an adult and keeping her anger / sadness / insecurities / paranoia away from your children? Yes

The one piece of advice that helped me at the end of my marriage was this... .

If the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, it is time to go. I really like this i am just talking my time but think about how long she is going to try to make things better... .

blessings,

L

[bpdsupport]

Be prepared for a heavy dose of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), and try to be aware when you are being manipulated.  It's almost a certainty that she will try to employ one of these manipulation techniques, or a combination of them, so your job is to be mindful when she is playing these mind games to get you to do something she wants.  Lucky Jim

I feel it. I try to remind myself as much as I can to be on alert. she still try things to make me do things that she wants but i always remind myself. Thank you for reminding me.

[bpdsupport]

You still going thru with the divorce?

As of right now, I am resting my mind and going with the flow. If i get pushed one more time, I'll be filing...

[bpdsupport]

Unfortunately BPD people don't think like you.

My advice is the same: "Run".

I would hate for you to be in an instance where they keep you around the time they find some other source then they drop you like yesterday's news.

Be strong! Call it quits. You will walk out feeling empowered and don't look back. It is sad, but that's the reality that exists in this relationship.

AL

I am concerned about her, our kids, our finance... etc... I am not worried her finding another souce then drop me like yesterday news. I am passed that. I'd happy if she finds someone else to leave me alone. This was one of the fears that kept me stuck but not anymore. Thank you for your support.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you for your support. As of right now I told her that this is how I feel. In time, it may change or it may never change. For now, this is how things are... . I been asking her to take some time to herself(which she is beeing doing, going out and spending time with her friends etc... . ) go on a vacation or etc... . And that we should respect each other as a human being or roomate. she is been going to her therapist... . we havent been fighting... . me sleeping in the living room and not reporting to her 24/7 and dont want her to tell me about her day is making thigs work for now... . I am concened about

kids... .

ou finances

about giving up

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now, went to school, have a good job, being rewarded at work, living in a nice apartment etc... . if I leave her, i'll be living in a bad neighborhood as I wont be able to afford a nice place... . of couse that's if she gets more than 50 percent custoty of the kids, these are just the feelings I been having... .

[bpdsupport]

I hope not

[love4meNOTu]

This is really awful, but I had to tell him it was over by email.

I was so stinkin' afraid of him. I said that I was sorry that it didn't work out, and that I did love him very much, but that I would no longer be emotionally or verbally abused by him. So that was that... he responded by sending me an email with a bunch of "orders" in it that I just deleted. More of the same, you know?

The next two months in my home were hell on earth. The only upside is that I lost 20 pounds because of the stress, and another 225 pounds of ex husband. Best diet I've ever been on, it's called heartbreak.

blessings,

L

[bpdsupport]

This is really awful, but I had to tell him it was over by email.

I was so stinkin' afraid of him. I said that I was sorry that it didn't work out, and that I did love him very much, but that I would no longer be emotionally or verbally abused by him. So that was that... he responded by sending me an email with a bunch of "orders" in it that I just deleted. More of the same, you know?

The next two months in my home were hell on earth. The only upside is that I lost 20 pounds because of the stress, and another 225 pounds of ex husband. Best diet I've ever been on, it's called heartbreak.

blessings,

L

That's very good for you Do you have kids with him? It's really hard make this decision when you have two kids with a BPD wife

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BPDs, Yes, you're in a tough place, though some of us have been in the same situation, i.e., married to a pwBPD with two kids at home.  I understand the quandary in which you find yourself.  I'm not here to tell you what to do, but to offer my support and to confirm that you are not alone in your struggles.  If you're like me, you may feel caught between a rock and a hard place, with no clear path out of dark woods (to mix metaphors).  It's easy to get lost in a BPD r/s, so try to listen to your gut feelings and trust your instincts, which you may have been ignoring in all the FOG.  Hang in there and keep posting, Lucky Jim

[love4meNOTu]

Hey just saw your question -

No, I did not have children with my ex-husband w/ BPD. I have two boys from my previous marriage. They were the number one reason I decided to divorce my ex husband w BPD.

If I couldn't do it for me, I did it for them.

I'll never forget when my 19 year old son confronted my ex just after ex was raging... . and said to him "Why are you doing this to us?"  We all loved him, and just didn't understand why he was always getting ridiculously angry over nothing but crap he made up in his head. (This was before I knew about BPD).

My ex told my son that he was old enough that he could call the sheriff on him. I was shocked, my son has never hit anyone in his life.

That was enough of the crazy for me. Forever.

L

[bpdsupport]

Today, I told her that I am going to my cousin's Wedding in May and she calls me right away and asking if I have two minutes because she has some important question and doesn’t want to be interrupted. I said yes,  and she had a 30 minute discussion  and ended up with she wanting me moving out by the end of the month if I don’t feel how she demands me to feel… right after we hanged up the phone, she texts me that she doesn’t want me to move out and all she wants is that things to be how they used to... I have been asking her that we need to move about 9 miles from where we live now(closer to the Freeway for me to be less on the road and have time to exercise after work) On the phone she kept going about:

-   Why I still feel disconnected and when am I going to start working on our marriage and that she won’t give up on our marriage

-   Telling me that she is working on herself and apologizing for how she has been acting

-   And telling me why I am still here. She is telling me there is must be something still between us that I am still here and not gone/moved out

I feel like if give in again, she’ll start abusing me and again, I told her that this is how I feel  right now and I am not sure if it’ll change. I don’t feel like getting another loan with her. I don’t feel like we can go forward in this marriage… this is how I feel right now…

I told her that I have the right to go to my cousins wedding. She just came back from a 5-day cross the country cousins wedding. And a day later went out with her girl friends… I didn’t say anything because she has the right to go out and hang out with her friends and family… I have been taking care of the kids on Sat and she has the whole Sat evening to going out with her friends for about three months now…I been giving her break/space that she needs away from the kids that she deserves…I am not a bad person and I feel good about this… she said that she feels good about this too….

Am I being selfish for wanting to go on a 3-day Wedding by myself? All I do is go to work full-time and come home, taking care of kids on the weekends and on weekdays when I get home from work….

[bpdsupport]

Then she told me stop texting her and did. An hour later I look at my phone, she had text me asking me if it's okay to trade-in our SUV that she drives for a cheaper and afortable car... . I feel like the mind game has started agina and i dont know what to do... . I feel like she is doing this for attention ... .

initially after i had asked her for divorce, I had refused having sex but she kept coming on to me... . idealizing me and then she stopped all a sudden ... . three days later... . she is complaing about why i dont initiate sex  are you kidding me? A month ago, you were kicking me out of the house treating me like enomy, I have asked you for a divorce, and you expect me to initiate sex? Am I wrong here?

Thank you all for you support

[bpdsupport]

not idealizing. I meant she basically worshipped me with respect, food, sex, anthing to convince me to stay... . and not leave or file for divorce. Deep inside i knew that this is not something she can keep up and it turned out to be true... . I am not sure why i am still around... .