I am at a loss

[mom59]

I am really at a loss and don't know what else to do... tried it all... I am very lost... . I love my daughter but I am scared of her too! Help me please what should I do next?

:'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

You sound so upset. If you are in immediate fear for your safety call the police but if its more a chronic feeling of being afraid of what will happen next I think the best thing you can do is take a break, do something nice for yourself and push it all away for a while ( look at the distress tolerance  skills in DBT)> Oh and coming on here for a bit of understanding support was a good idea. 

[Rapt Reader]

I am really at a loss and don't know what else to do... tried it all... I am very lost... . I love my daughter but I am scared of her too! Help me please what should I do next?

:'(

Hi, mom59  

I'm so sorry that you are having these troubles with your daughter... . Has she been home again? Asking for money? Getting into a fight with your husband? Is the cycle starting all over again? I can imagine how frightening and upsetting this is for you and your husband; it's horrible when we are afraid of our own child! Has she now left? Or, is she still at home or close by and you think you will see her again soon?

One thing you can do right now is familiarize yourself with the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right-hand side of this page. Just read, and read all you can... . if your daughter has left and you have a bit of space, spend that time learning what to do the next time she calls or stops in for money. Here's a good start: Parents’ “Bill of Rights”. Also, something that would be beneficial for you is here: Safety First, if things with her ever get so out of hand that you need to have a plan in place. Please read that, OK? Your husband, too... .

Our grown children with BPD can be frightening to us; when they have drug addictions or other troubles (Alcoholism, Suicidal Ideations, Self-Harming tendencies, etc.), we can be at a total loss as to what to do. I know this first-hand. My own adult son (36) was a heroin addict who ended up in the Psych Ward of our local hospital almost a year ago with suicidal ideations. From there he went to a Dual Diagnosis Center where the program there finally diagnosed him with his BPD, and then gave him the proper treatment for it.

He has spent the last 11 months clean and sober, still in treatment (Outpatient Therapist, Psychiatrist and Neurofeedback Therapist), and is a new person. We aren't afraid of him anymore, and now that the drugs are not an issue, money is also not an issue, and he is clear-headed and happy. There is hope, mom59, but your daughter will need to acknowledge her disorder--or at least that she needs help--and she will need to accept help for her troubles. Is she anywhere near that kind of an epiphany? Here's some information for you regarding that:

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder [New]

BPD: Treatments, Cures

Although we cannot change our child (or anyone else for that matter!), we can change the way we understand and deal with our child. Many of us on this site have found that once we change the way we communicate with our BPD loved ones, they change the way they react to us, and things start to get better! Have you checked the TOOLS yet? (I mentioned this above)? Please go to the Links to the right-hand side of this page and read every single link there... . Read like your relationship with your daughter depends on it. Because, really, it quite possibly does  

[Tightrope walker]

mom59

   I agree with the others that if it is a safety issue (either yours or your D) you need to contact the authorities.  It is a hard step to take, but a necessity.  I know that my D at one time physically pushed me around, etc. and being larger then me, could definitely do damage.  There have been times that she has severely hurt herself and this has meant that I have had to call the police, medics and others repeatedly.

    One of the hardest thing is to love someone with a mental illness, especially your own child.  Nothing hurts more than seeing your child hurt (no matter what age). Like Rapt Reader I agree that there the best thing we can do is change the way how we deal and communicate with our children. 

   I would add that you must make sure that you are also taking care of yourself.  For me it meant meeting with a therapist, exercising, going to church, and taking a class.  All of these enabled me to find some time to make sure that I had some happiness in my life.  It is so easy to become overwhelmed and involved with the illness (BPD) that our own mental health takes a back seat. 

                                                                       Tightrope walker