Did your pwBPD ever meet one of your exes?

[maxsterling]

If so, what happened?  My dBPDgf and I randomly ran into one of my exes in an unexpected location yesterday.  I'd rather not think about my ex, and would rather forget the event, but my GF seems to be obsessing to the point of a nervous breakdown.

I halfway expect to come home from work to witness a suicide attempt, or a complete rage. 

[SimplySeattle]

My uBPD wife has never met one of my exes, but she did happen to search around and find a small picture of one in my house (we live separately for now). It really bothered her and asked that I destroy it. She also feels uncomfortable staying in my home because another ex lived there for a year. The strange thing is that there is nothing of ex left here (besides a coat stored in the attic).

The irony of it is that when we are apart, she does not appear jealous or clingy. Out of sight, out of mind.

[Changingman]

Never met an ex or my family, except my female cousin who described my ex as a Pi**head and exhibitionist (alcoholic and sexually showy). Also said she smelled of urine, yikes.

She was right,

She is such a messed up train crash, no good will come of it.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Yes, she has created a movie in her mind of you leaving her and going back to your ex. Whatever she saw made her feel insecure and she believes your ex is better than her. My gf knew my ex and it is something that comes up again and again. She is painted as black as can be. For no good reason. All you can do is to try and reassure her and make her understand that you want nothing to do with your ex. Good luck 

[maxsterling]

LINE - yeah, that's pretty much it.  The following day my GF texted me, ":)id she try and contact you yet?"  I replied, "who?"  And she replied "[my ex's name]".

Oh dear. 

I did my best to reassure her, saying "No, and I don't expect her to."  She wanted validation that she was better than my ex, or more like not as crazy as my ex, and that she had something unique to offer me.  I did my best at realistically validating.  And I bought her flowers to show that I am still interested in her and help her feel better.  But I am not sure it matters; her mind is already down that emotional path. 

I'm starting to feel, "what's the point?" In a healthy relationship, I like doing little things to help a person feel better after a bad day. In a healthy relationship, I'd still bring home the flowers to show that I am committed to her, and it would help her feel better.  But in this case, none of it matters.  Her being freaked out after meeting my ex is not something I caused, and there is nothing I can do can help her feel more secure.  The end result is the same:  she's freaked out.  So why do I bother? 

[Love Is Not Enough]

I'm starting to feel, "what's the point?"

Right there with you. That is why I have been working really hard at removing myself from the drama. I reassure her and then let her own it. If she wants to let it continue to bother her then that's her problem. I wont feed into it and if she chooses to use it as a fuel for a dysregulation then I will remove myself from her presence. I just cant do it anymore. I wont do it anymore.

[maxsterling]

I think the whole exchange was just tiresome for me.  My ex is a toxic person, and it took me awhile to unravel that whole relationship and make internal peace with it.  I was glad to be able to say hi to her without having negative feelings.  But, I do feel sad that I could not talk to her son, because he and I were close.  So in that sense, I wish I was with someone who could offer *me* some comfort.  But BPDgf of course made it all about her and her discomfort. 

I really think the only way for me to handle this is to say, "Wow, that stinks, I'm glad that is over, and I hope you weren't too uncomfortable," and then say nothing more.  And if she wants to bring it up again, I should tell her that I do not wish to think about or discuss my ex, whom caused me a lot of hurt.  She hasn't said anything about it since Tuesday, but I bet dollars to doughnuts it is still on the front of her mind and I haven't heard the last of it.

If she still continues, that's her problem if she dysregulates.  It's getting to that point.  It just feels like this relationship is ultimately doomed no matter what I do.  She will always be unhappy.  I need to start treating it as a relationship, and not a relationship with a pwBPD.  the same rules apply:  I deserve basic respect and kindness and support in the same way that she deserves the same.