She says it helped. I think I made it worse

[Cipher13]

So yesterday I had long work meeting at our other facility. I told my uBPDw that I was going there for meetings and training for work.  On the way there she sends a text and ask can you show me what you are doing today? Take a picture. She feels I am doing everything other than my job at work anyway and changing my typical schedule by going to a different office has her rattled. She wants to see that I am really there and doing what I said I was going to be doing today. So to appease her I tooka pic ofht eentrance that has my name listed as a guest for the day and a couple pictures of the inside where they added some new equipment.

She said that it helped her feel better about trusting me. I think I may have made it worse that now she will expect me to have to do that for everything every time. I know if she coul dfigure out a way to have me on video survallence 24/7 she would. She has said as much.

[Murbay]

I had an ex that was very similar, though she wasn't BPD, just very insecure. It is a very frustrating position to find yourself in, especially if you have done nothing to betray that trust in any way.

My ex would actually take days off work to turn up at my work place just to check I was there and even more agitated if I had to call to say I had to work late.

In truth I don't believe it does help because it is encroaching on your boundaries and it won't just stop at checking up on you at work, that just seems to be a start point in my experience. Although it relieves them for a short time, that niggle is still there inside them. What is essentially happening is transference of responsibility for their own issues and you have to be careful not to get caught in the trap of enabling.

Where I got caught up in it was that I obliged my ex simply because there was nothing to hide. Eventually it wears you down and you finally say enough to it. The first time you aren't where you say you are, maybe because you have gone out to lunch or gone to the shop, they assume because you obliged them every other time, you must be hiding something and it escalates from there.

I think the best solution for you is to sit down with your w, tell her how it makes you feel and see if you can come up with a solution that works for both of you. You have a right to your own life too and your own boundaries.

[Wrongturn1]

+1 to what Murbay said... . be careful about creating a monster with this.  You know she still won't trust you, even if you send her photos every day. 

[Cipher13]

The first time you aren't where you say you are, maybe because you have gone out to lunch or gone to the shop, they assume because you obliged them every other time, you must be hiding something and it escalates from there.

Thus my reason for the post. I am enabling this behavior now. So at somepoint I will be documenting every aspect fo my life... . even more than I do now. I text her every time i leave work, get home, start a task, finish a task, just to check in. Its never ending and now this. I'm already frustrated. She has always been wanting to quit her job. Now she is saying things are bad enought that things might close down and she won't have a choice. Added stress neither of us need at this point.

[Cipher13]

I think the best solution for you is to sit down with your w, tell her how it makes you feel and see if you can come up with a solution that works for both of you. You have a right to your own life too and your own boundaries.

I have sort of tried this ona very small level. It failed or blew up in my face. I have pretty much stopped bringi up my feeling and thoughts to her. Especially after she told me I have no right to have feelings.  Then she complains I don't want to talk about our issues. I do not get to have a side, wrogng right or indifferent. I know i have the right to my feelings, boundaries, and to be happy. Many times I am selfish to not only have these but to much less want them.

[thicker skin]

Just an idea... . But if this is a frequent event, say multiple times a month, why don't you meet her half way and set her an allowance? She could have 3 random check ups, of her choice, when she likes? Rather like random urine testing for athletes! The catch would be, that each time she effs up and is being paranoid, she has to apologise to you. Mark it on the calendar, with the result, as a small reminder.

It may be a way to validate her, whilst giving you some breathing space. It would also mean that she can only use the system when she is at her most paranoid and can't control her thinking and doubting. You also get off the hook and she MAY slowly learn to regulate herself.

[thicker skin]

Just an idea... . But if this is a frequent event, say multiple times a month, why don't you meet her half way and set her an allowance? She could have 3 random check ups, of her choice, when she likes? Rather like random urine testing for athletes! The catch would be, that each time she effs up and is being paranoid, she has to apologise to you. Mark it on the calendar, with the result, as a small reminder.

It may be a way to validate her, whilst giving you some breathing space. It would also mean that she can only use the system when she is at her most paranoid and can't control her thinking and doubting. You also get off the hook and she MAY slowly learn to regulate herself.

[Cipher13]

Umm if not a daily occurance at least 3 times a week. If I used your suggestion thicker skin. She would be all done for this month just as this week alone.  I like it though don't get me wrong. But I have never been able to make a deal. Even when I am proven right. Even when I prove her wrong in an accusation she caims I doctored the evidence. The only 100% fool proof way its ever convinced her is by actually being there. That is why she hates that my work has a security level that will not allow for visitors unless its business related.

[maxsterling]

Yes, you are probably enabling the problem to be worse.  But I also think this is one of those problems where you probably can't make it better because she will always have those insecurities.  About all you can do is set a boundary to keep yourself from going nuts.  And if she breaks the boundary, be prepared to fight her on that. 

When it comes to "making a problem worse", sometimes I feel that we are making it worse simply by being in a relationship with them.  They come to us will all sorts of issues just taking care of themselves and having healthy relationships, and us just being with them prevents them from addressing those issues.  And I think just like my relationship, that's what's going on here.  Just being with her is making her insecurity worse, but keep in mind she will have the same issue no mater who she is with.  I know that is not your problem - but think about it.  She's going to have those issues no matter what kind of boundary you set.  The only thing you are dong is minimizing the damage to yourself.  It's pointless to worry whether you are making the problem worse, because you are already talking about an issue that was bad to begin with.  The only thing to consider is your personal comfort.  If you aren't comfortable sending her photos of where you are at all times because she doesn't believe you, don't do it. It's not your role to pacify her. 

[an0ught]

Hi Cipher13,

yeah, in the past you may have made it worse by giving in some times. Intermittent re-enforcement has build up to a stronger image in her mind that this is the way it should be. No reason to beat yourself up - paying the price everyday already  . This is the past.

Protecting your breathing space and feeling safe and unobserved at work is a reasonable value to protect. You may have given in in the past and now you want to change. This means boundary setting in a scorched field under fire. There will be extinction burst - no way around that. Having a clear picture in your mind where exactly the boundary is and what price you are willing to pay is required to get through this. May be worth doing while not too many other fights are ongoing as it may be a harder one.

She said that it helped her feel better about trusting me. I think I may have made it worse that now she will expect me to have to do that for everything every time. I know if she coul dfigure out a way to have me on video survallence 24/7 she would. She has said as much.

Validation (careful with the more sarcastic ones - your mileage may vary):

- Supercop

- Colombo

- Do you need the coordinates to direct the spy satellite?

- Not trusting me.

- Insecure.

- Worried I will run off with all the pretty secretaries.

[Cipher13]

Validation (careful with the more sarcastic ones - your mileage may vary):

- Supercop  She wants to hire a private investigator on me

- Colombo this type I would guess

- Do you need the coordinates to direct the spy satellite? already wantsto video me 24/7 or impant with a gps

- Not trusting me.

- Insecure. she doesn't even liek that her mom texted me a cooking recipe the other day

- Worried I will run off with all the pretty secretaries. Nope not the pretty ones... . all females

Now she wants em to move back to another state that we lived before. I liked it there but I just bought a house ad have a job I love. And saying I wanto go back there but didn't hink we would this year is not helping... . Making it worse again. All to avoid a huge argument. II am willing to up root myself just to avoid an arguemnt. Thats stupid. Yet... . I do it. :'(

[Cipher13]

Is this a trap?  She said in text "If I don't want to go to this other state we can go our separate ways"   

I so want to say... . ok. She says there isn't much keeping us together anyways.  She says this stuff and I so want to call her bluff. I so want this to be over. I dread the aftermath of the second I agree to it. I becomethe vilan. Satan would look like an angel of purity compared to how she would look at me.

[Wrongturn1]

You could tell her, "I'm not moving to that other state, AND I want us to stay together and NOT go our separate ways."  Based on the conventional BPD wisdom, she would never leave you. 

If you call her bluff, she would backtrack and then hold it against you forever and ever.  On the other hand, if you left her, would it be possible for her to be a worse ex-wife than she is a bad wife?  With no kids in the picture, you wouldn't have to deal with her very often.

[maxsterling]

"I so want this to be over."

You want the relationship to be over, or the current drama in relation to moving to me over?  If you mean the relationship, it sounds like you are on the cusp of making up your mind, and all that is left is pulling the band aid off and screaming for awhile.  And - it sounds like she is giving you an out here.  Yeah, she might make hell, but you are already in hell right now.

It sounds like you are in a similar place to me.  I've certainly tried.  And things haven't changed much.  I'm tired of the drama, fear the next drama, and am feeling like if she just decided to up and leave tonight, I would feel a loss for awhile, but probably also a huge relief.  And I am facing a similar situation - I've slowly accepted if her behavior changes for the better, it won't be much better, and that means I won't ever want to have kids with her.  And she desperately and obsessively wants children.  So, that means I tell her - learn to love yourself or no kids.  And I am sure she will scream and threaten and call me horrible names.  Hopefully, I can smooth this over in a therapy session with her.  But I leave it up to her.  I tell her that kids are no longer in our future, and if that is unacceptable to her, she can leave.  I'm just to the point where I can't see any sense in trying to keep her around if she won't work with me instead of against me.

[Wrongturn1]

So, that means I tell her - learn to love yourself or no kids.  And I am sure she will scream and threaten and call me horrible names.

Max: Stand firm on this.  I soo wish I had done that a dozen years ago, but I had to learn the hard way.

[Grey Kitty]

Especially after she told me I have no right to have feelings.  Then she complains I don't want to talk about our issues. I do not get to have a side, wrogng right or indifferent. I know i have the right to my feelings, boundaries, and to be happy. Many times I am selfish to not only have these but to much less want them.

No, you don't have a right to boundaries.

You either choose to enforce boundaries... . or you choose not to. (and she rolls over them!) As Yoda said: Do or do not. There is no try.

Oh... . and as for feelings... . yes, you have your own, and that is how it should be. Given the status of your r/s right now, it seems unwise/unsafe to share them with your partner.

[thicker skin]

I feel for you Cipher,

It's the same old routine isn't it? Them seeking confirmation bias, us trying to prove that we're not deceiving them, so we can have a normal relationship. My old man has spent years accusing me, finding the tiniest shred of 'evidence' to make it real and take out his fears on me. I've been told I'm having affairs, told to have them and pushed to my limit. The last time he told me to go eff somebody else, I very calmly said "Okay then"... . He nearly passed his own intestines   

Your partner will likely always think that you're provoking her, making her think the way she does, making her crazy with your 'behaviour'. Normal stuff trips them up, so a normal life is near impossible.

MC was a complete fail for us... . He spewed his reality, twisting and distorting as he went, lying through his teeth and shouting to the point of frothing at his mouth. If he didn't get his own way, he left. Save your money, wrestlers don't pay the audience to turn up