Unconditional Love

[raytamtay3]

It still amazes me that DH hasn't bailed. Good lord how he has every right to tell me that he just cannot deal with this anymore. Especially from a child that isn't even his! She is destroying our house. The house he and I bought together and literally put blood, sweat and tears into. We have holes in the wall, a broken window in the basement and now two door jams busted!

There has been times I've wanted to set him free. To tell him he didn't ask for this. He was content living alone and never marrying up until we reconnected 5 years ago. I never in a million years would have dreamed things would get this bad otherwise I would have never married him. Or at least not yet!

How can he love me so much when I have such a drama filled life? How much more is he going to be able to take when he decides it's just not worth it anymore. How much more can I take waiting for him to tell me that?  I just don't get it. I don't feel worthy of it. And I still toy with the idea of setting him free. If this last ditch effort to get her placed fails, I just might have to do it. It's bad enough my own sanity is on the brink of insanity. I can't fathom having the love of my life suffer too... . :'(  I feel the need to save him. I feel it's my duty to do so.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Why not let him decide his own fate?  My guess is he loves you just as much as you do him and he does not want you to have to go it alone. 

My husband is also a step parent to my BPDd.  My BPDd is 21 now and was only diagnosed only a year or so ago.  She too was destructive and such a SLOB.  Before we had an incling of possibly being BPD (about 2 years ago) life was hard FOR MANY YEARS... . Hard between us, hard for us dealing with her, hard for her sister.  There were times I thought he'd divorce me too, or at least leave.  But he never did.  He says he loves me and even with things the way they are he wouldn't have dreamed of leaving me.

Talk to him about how you feel, you may be surprised at what he has to say.

[raytamtay3]

I have talked to him about it. He says if it weren't for the field he is in (works at a residential developmental center and has both clients and inmates working for him - mostly child sex offenders) and the fact that he and I are on the same page with respect to when she turns 18 and acts this way she's out, he doesn't think he would have stuck around.  But we both agree we are close to our goal now, i.e., getting her placed out of home for help and that peace will once again be restored. Hopefully.

[MammaMia]

Raytay

God bless your dh.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and he is not going anywhere.  THAT is his choice.  Do not let your dd claim yet another victim ... . your marriage.

You are so fortunate to have someone who loves you so much.  What a Godsend he is.

You can weather the storm with dd.  Hold on tightly to your dh, and it will pass.

[co.jo]

Yes I think all the partners who help us raise our kids deserve special recognition. Aside from the day to day abuse, my husband (stepfather to DD) also had her smash his car when she was 14, and ruin a commissioned piece of art he had already put in 300 hours on. I can't believe he stayed, Now that she has gone, we figured we had pretty much seen it all, so now he is an excellent foster caregiver. I always remember before we married 15 years ago with 6 kids between us, someone told him he had to be willing to walk over hot coals for me, and he said he would and he has tenfold. I guess they must really love us!

[Sstepdad]

 These stories are so similar to ours, I met my wife when sd was 7 she is 25 now and not living with us, but yes I think if we endured the stress and destruction from her early teens till now we can survive just about any issue in our lives.

Those years back if I saw what was coming up I may have ran but I am glad I did not.

[pessim-optimist]

He says if it weren't for the field he is in ... . and the fact that he and I are on the same page with respect to when she turns 18 and acts this way she's out, he doesn't think he would have stuck around.  But we both agree we are close to our goal now, i.e., getting her placed out of home for help and that peace will once again be restored. Hopefully.

Ray, I read this post, and thought about it... . As a parent you will feel a bond to your dd even after she turns 18. I wonder if subconsciously you are torn between that love for your dd, and obligation to fulfill your side of the agreement with your husband, and also your fear of what happens if your dd doesn't get better... . (that you would be either letting your dd down, or breaking your agreement with your dh, and to either of them you would feel it would be unfair, AND terribly painful for you whatever the outcome). So, maybe, you are thinking, if you release your dh now, it is less unfair - the best way out?

I don't know your situation, but this post gives me hope for your marriage:

These stories are so similar to ours, I met my wife when sd was 7 she is 25 now and not living with us, but yes I think if we endured the stress and destruction from her early teens till now we can survive just about any issue in our lives.

Those years back if I saw what was coming up I may have ran but I am glad I did not.

Also, when I married my husband, I did not know how difficult his dd would get, and how painful our lives would be at times. I truly did not sign up for this. But you know what? I am not going to bail out on him, because life got difficult... .

Again, I am wildly speculating here, and I don't know your husband... . Perhaps you could have a conversation with him about the future once your dd is in RTC and your lives get more peaceful.

Take good care of yourself Ray, and take it one issue at a time, ok? 

[raytamtay3]

Pessim - Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I do feel torn at times. I don't like to made to feel like I could potentially not live up to my end of the bargain should later down the line I decide that I simply cannot turn my back on my DD. She is my flesh and blood. I love her unconditionally as he loves me unconditionally.

He gets mad when people say this but it's true. If you never had children of your own, you simply cannot fully grasp the concept of this. And especially if you are a man. No offense to anyone! But I know how I feel being a woman and all in that I am a nurturer. I want to kiss the boo boos and make them better and not say suck it up and deal.

But I will say this. This weekend DD stayed over night at her friend's without my consent. Although I know I should have either called the authorities or went and got her, I didn't. And boy what a nice relaxing weekend my DH and I had. And I know this was inconsistent but we needed it.

We get along beautifully. There wasn't any tension and we lounged around all weekend.

[qcarolr]

My dh had this fantasy that something magic would happen on our DD's 18th birthday. My 'fantasy date' was around 25. Well, she is 27 now. No longer living in our home - we do not allow her here with her male friends. She is not willing to be here without them for long.

It is such a process of accepting my DD for who she is and loving her regardless as I desire for her to accept the treatment options all around her to become more than she is now. Ie. to become what dh and I think she needs to be to function in our world. To be able to maintain a consistent relationship with our gd8, who is her daughter but currently does not want to see or talk to her mom.

Can you see all the conflicts here? Whew! I can today. Not on all days, but yes for today.

I have learned that the most important relationship in my life is with my dh. He is the one I want to grow old with, not with my DD. She needs to be left to figure out her own day to day life so she can grow up. Even if this looks nothing like I can even imagine today. I have to respect that it is her life. Even if she continues to seek help from me in different ways, and I can choose to give her help that is within my power to give.

There have been many times when I believed that my DD would not survive without me -- that if I had to choose, it would be for my troubled daughter. I has been a long, slow process of allowing my DD to be her own person as an adult. A continuing process.

As I have sought comfort from my DH at every opportunity, since one of my T's suggested this to me a couple months ago, things have gotten so much better for me with him. And life with DD has been somewhat out of control this whole time. We give each other courage in enduring.

qcr

DD27 was adopted at age 3 weeks. sometimes dh treats his r/s with her as a 'stepchild' not of his choosing. A painful thing that he has recently admitted out loud with family T (gd's T).

[pessim-optimist]

DD27 was adopted at age 3 weeks. sometimes dh treats his r/s with her as a 'stepchild' not of his choosing. A painful thing that he has recently admitted out loud with family T (gd's T).

That must be painful; at the same time, I understand... . DD is not his flesh and blood, and why did he get the "privilege" to have his life's dreams canceled by her condition? I think it is part of a natural grieving process and all the mental gymnastics our mind does to check out the possibilities and solutions... .

And boy what a nice relaxing weekend my DH and I had. And I know this was inconsistent but we needed it.

We get along beautifully. There wasn't any tension and we lounged around all weekend.

That sounds wonderful. You guys need to live while you are alive. And that might be what your husband is after, ultimately. It is important that you and him can create this kind of oasis for yourselves regardless of what your dd's life will be after she turns 18.

With some healthy boundaries, you might be able to achieve both. And who knows? Perhaps your dd WILL get better after all. 

[Thursday]

Hello everyone,

In my situation, I'm the step-parent to the BPD kid. I joined this family with my eyes wide open and knew (to an extent) what I was getting myself into. I knew there were problems, knew my BPDSD22 had problems. Felt like I could help.

So why in the world did I enter into the fray?

A long time ago I had a co-worker who, on the occasion of her second marriage, told me she made a pact with her husband, who had three kids from a previous marriage, that they would "never let the kids come between them." She told me this as they were on the cusp of their divorce. She had a son from a prior marriage as well. The kids were all under the age of 12 when she met him and his ex was in prison, her son's father had died... .

I was sickened to hear of this pact (how do you even think this when you have a child?) but let me tell you... . it gave me profound respect for my co-worker's husband that he was divorcing her because she was so negative towards his kids, one who had behavioral problems/mental health issues. My co-worker was pretty much the evil step-mom, a la Cinderella, who treated her own son like gold and manipulated things to make her husband's kids look bad.

When I met my DH, he was honest that his DD had issues. He had no idea of outcomes. It was clear to me that they both needed some help, some structure, some guidance. His life would have been a misery forever if she had the awful outcome that she was then headed for. I love him... . how could I just turn my back and  let him have the predicted awful outcome. Would have been a waste of her life, his life and a huge waste of our love for each other, a total waste of the potential we had for what we have now, which is lovely.

In the beginning of our relationship things got bad and then, things got worse- and then more worse. We have endured so much! She is better now... . not well but not the out of control drug addict she was three years ago. And we get to ride into the sunset together.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I've been mad A LOT. I've been HURT. I've been frustrated, I've had to do things I never imagined I would have to do in my dealings with my SD. DH is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after a really horrible storm.

thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Thursday - Very touching. Thank you for sharing your story. 

[angeldust1]

I too was in the same place 24 yrs ago.  I felt my poor husband would bail when he saw what I was dealing with.  I applaud your decision that when she is 18, finding another place for her. We are people too,  and we deserve a life not just the BPD's in our life.  We have given up enough for them. 

Now the difference is mine is a perfectly functional,  outside the realm of relationships.  He is perfectly fine at work,  or at least seems to be,  has had the same job for almost 30 years,  and I do not have to support him financially in  any way.  He is on his own,  and owns a nicer home than I.

My husband is my safe haven,  in the storms of life.  I guess you could say,  God takes and he gives.  I had the worst the first time and now the best. 

Remember though,  to thank him for his support,  and it will go a long way,  because it is not easy for him,  not being his own child.

[raytamtay3]

I tell him often 'thanks for not giving up on us'. Thanks angeldist1! It's nice to hear from people in similar situations.

[crumblingdad]

Your missing something:  maybe when he married you he signed up for unconditionally loving you and your dd?

I think most of us who are mature responsible adults know when remarrying to a parent with a child that we are marrying into a family and we choose to love that entire family unconditionally.

Although I understand your fears and agree your blessed to have such a strong man who is willing to stand by you both I think you should accept his unconditional love and not sabotage such a gift.  Your dd needs you strong and if your dh and you are a team she has double the love and strength.