She says I should ask our therapis about bipolar disorder

[maxsterling]

During a long talk with her AA sponsor yesterday, she told her sponsor that I was extremely worried about her.  Her sponsor suggested I talk to my IC and to our couples T about bipolar disorder, and that I should do more research into that illness so that I can understand her better and ease my concerns.  She says I shouldn't do research on the internet, and should talk to my therapist instead.

Ok.  I have talked with my IC about bipolar when she was diagnosed and went into the hospital.  Of course, my T had already suggested she has BPD months prior, and my GF had ben diagnosed BPD years prior.  My T says she may have bipolar as well, but most of her issues are BPD, and that it doesn't matter from my end anyway, because it is the behavior that is the problem, and there is nothing I can do about it whether it be BPD or bipolar.  And her bipolar diagnosis has been brought up in couples therapy, as well as her PTSD diagnosis.  But she never mentions the BPD diagnosis. 

So maybe I should ask the couples counselor questions about bipolar.  "this saying she hates herself and wants to kill herself all the time, and that if we broke up she would kill herself, is that part of the bipolar?"  "Is this constant worry that I will leave her part of the bipolar?"  "She's been on medications now since September, and has been on medications most of her life, and I am told bipolar responds well to medication - how long does it take to see a change?"   "what happens to a person with bipolar when they stop the medication, for instance if we wanted to have a child?"  "What can I do to help her with her illness so that I am helping and not enabling?"

My feeling is the same as my IC, that she does not suffer from bipolar at all, and this is a personality disorder issue, and that she needs different treatment.  And maybe if I ask enough questions, the couples T will suggest that there is a personality disorder involved, and I won't have to bring it up and incur the wrath. 

But then again, my counselor is right -it doesn't matter.  It is the behavior and how it affects me that matters.  Whether bipolar or BPD, I need to tell my GF and the therapist what is going on and how I feel.  That means I need to be very direct:  "As long as you are telling me you hate yourself and want to kill yourself, I will not have a baby with you.  I need to feel those issues are appropriately addressed before I feel comfortable bringing a child into that situation."  And I need to say, "I would like to commit to you long term, but when I hear you say you hate yourself or want to kill yourself, or that I am the only thing that makes you happy, that puts enormous emotional pressure on me and I can't deal with that anymore."

I certainly hope she chooses to get the appropriate help for herself.  But right now it seems like she is of the mindset that she wants others to help her rather than her having the drive to help herself.  She told me last night she isn't even participating or doing the homework for the DBT therapy.  That's very worrisome.

[GreenMango]

What you wrote above is why is so important to focus on the behaviors and how it affects the relationship. It really doesn't matter if it's BPD or bipolar or ptsd.

You can support her in her doing the work but you aren't the solution to her problems. Support her reaching for the right kind of help.

And letting her know your expectations, like you wrote above,, is important too. You are allowed to have them no matter what she may say to the contrary.

You okay with her deciding she can't?

[hergestridge]

Many people with BPD will take any chance they have to get rid of the BPD diagnosis. They keep returning to the notion that the diagnosis is incorrect, unfair and an albatross around their neck. If there is some kind of co-morbidity they will most likely try to lobby for "I'm more bi-polar"-scenario.

Why this?

Well, the BPD diagnosis tells the truth about them and who they are. Bipolar says they are normal people who sometimes freak out a bit.

My BPDw did everything in her power not to be diagnosed BPD (including strategically omitting information in tests). She read all about it. She even told me she knew she was BPD but "propably a bit of both" and reasoned that "since BPD is incurable, what's the point of having a diagnosis?". I called her bluff on that one, mentioning DBT. Didn't have the patience for that, she said. Then she broke down crying she didn't want to be a borderline bhit.

Her doctors have ruled out bipolar by now but treats her BPD with litium (to some effect), but they don't discuss diagnosis with her anymore in order to "maintain compliance".

[maxsterling]

I'd be much more comfortable if she just accepted she had BPD.  Bipolar is something chemically wrong that needs medication.  So, she forgets to take the medication = chaos.  And I would greatly fear that.  BPD - at least part of it is learned responses.  So that gives me a little hope that she can live a happy unmedicated life. 

[GreenMango]

Max have you asked her how she plans on attending her illness(es)?