My BPDbf left to get an oil change yesterday & hasn't come back

[Red17]

My BPDbf left our house yesterday afternoon & hasn't come back.  He texted me last night that he didn't want to be around anyone, specifically me because I'm sick & our one-year-old son because he got 5 shots yesterday & also wasn't feeling well.  He said he wanted to be "alone in the dark" & made some vague references to suicide.  I think he's gone to his parents' house (they are out-of-town for the winter).  I would be worried that he might have finally followed through on his repeated suicide threats, but I can see on-line that he is using his phone--just not to call me.  I admit I haven't called or texted him either because I'm not the one that left.  I'm right here where I'm supposed to be. 

I've been considering ending this relationship for so long.  I have felt for months that he is trying to force me to throw him out so he won't have to take responsibility for leaving.  Maybe he's finally made the move he's been trying to force me to make.  I just don't know.

[halfnelson]

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you need support when you have such a young child, and both you and baby should be the priority.

If your bf never acknowledges responsibility for your child, it's not a good environment for that child to grow up in. However, I believe your child is young enough to get out relatively unscathed if you do decide to leave.

When I hear about how my husband's parents were when he was younger, it makes me so sad that his parents were too stuck in their own issues that his needs were never met. Then when he started to exhibit a lot of his parents' negative traits, it was made even worse for him. His mother wanted to leave for about 10 years, and he always says he wishes she had so he didn't have to see the constant arguing and being left for days by his Dad- literally abandoned with no contact when he was too busy off with other women.

It is really hard to tell when they are trying to get you to leave them, or when they're just being difficult. I think you have to be really strict on what you will and will not put up with, and I hope you make the right decision for you and your child. Everyone deserves happiness.

[Red17]

Thank you, halfnelson.     My bf also came a difficult environment.  On the outside it looked fine, but he thinks (& I agree) that his mother has BPD, too.  For me it's a double-edged sword:  while I have tremendous sympathy for how he grew up, I am also determined that my son will not experience the same. 

It's been 2 days now since he left & I haven't heard a word from him.  You're right that my son is young enough that he won't remember what's happening now.  I am & have been his primary (only) caregiver since he was born.  Even when his father is here he's not very involved.  We live in my house so we won't have to go anywhere if we split.  With each passing hour I think that we may have already split, I just haven't been told yet.

[Red17]

He's been gone for 3 & a half days now.  In the middle of the night last night he sent me a text:  "Hi".  That was all.  Just "Hi".  I didn't reply.  Nothing today.  I don't know which is worse:  waiting to hear from him or restraining myself from responding.

[patientandclear]

Why aren't you responding?

If you'd decided to end the r/s and were using NC as a tool for detaching, I would understand that.  But my sense is you do not want to end the r/s.

I'd guess he is feeling shame & fear of rejection, whence the "hi" without more.  He's checking to see if the light is green.  If you respond neutrally/warmly, without heaping a bunch of shaming "where the heck are you?" in there, it seems likely he may continue to reach back to you.

The question is -- what do you want?  To continue?  Or is this bizarre, difficult behavior telling you that you actually don't want to stay in this r/s?  (I've ended mine and am not urging anyone to remain in a BPD r/s that hurts them -- not trying to suggest you should if you are having misgivings.)  Because that's a different road.

But if you want to continue, playing tit for tat in the silence game doesn't help.

[Red17]

I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel like I need to for the sake of my son & my own sanity. 

He knows he is BPD & BiPD & refuses to seek any kind of treatment.  He's got an antidepressant & and antipsychotic that he refuses to take because "he doesn't like how they make him feel"--he has never even tried them.  He won't see a therapist because he says he can't afford it.  He won't contact any of the organizations I've found offering low-cost/free help because he says it's too much red-tape.  He won't go to support groups because he says he doesn't have the time.  He won't even do the Mood Gym on this website because he says it's too boring.  He knows that he has these issues &  he acknowledges that they are negatively affecting every relationship in his life, but he refuses to even try to do anything about it.  Instead, he uses his BPD as an excuse to justify all his dysfunctional behaviors & says "if you don't like it kick me out".  Now it kind of seems as if he's kicked himself out & I think that's what he wanted all along.

I cannot blame him for having BPD & BiPD, but I can hold him accountable for refusing to seek treatment.  I'd love to be with him, but not without him at least trying to find some kind of help.  He's getting worse & I worry what the impact of his disorders will have on our son.  I see what his mother's BPD has done to him & its heartbreaking.  I can't fix him, but maybe I can at least protect my son from a similar path.

[patientandclear]

Red, all that makes total sense (and it's such a hard situation for you to be sorting though -- I can hear how hard it is).

If you are considering some sort of transition or ending the r/s though, I still don't think that being silent back necessarily helps you get there in an orderly fashion.  It will certainly push his buttons.  In response to his "hi," why not say "hi. I hope you're OK."  Or something that conveys that you care about him, while not approving what he's doing or even asking for him to comment.

[Red17]

Thanks, p&c.     I did end up replying to him earlier.  I just said, "I don't know how you expect me to respond."  Which was the truth.  He came back saying he didn't know either.  There was some back & forth with him declaring himself a "monster" & "evil" & "crazy" but still refusing to take his meds or get counseling.  Then he said he wanted to come over to see our son tonight & tomorrow before he goes to work (he works afternoons).  Reluctantly I agreed, but said he'd have to sleep in the guest room.  At that point he flipped out.  I remained calm & reminded him that he said he wanted to see our son.  I told him he broke up with me when he left us last week.  He then began trying to cajole & manipulate me into sex.  I simply said, "No, this is about you seeing your son."  He got very angry then very pouty then very apologetic then angry again, but I held my ground.  I never got emotional or upset.  I just kept repeating that this was about seeing his son.  Finally I think he realized that he wasn't going to change my mind or entice me into a fight.  He said he might come by tomorrow.  I told him to text first & we'd see.

I'm glad I replied.  It gave me a chance to verbalize to him that I took his extended, unexplained absence as a break-up.  It also gave me a chance to see a very clear example of how manipulative & selfish & just plain mean he can be.  When I read back through the text conversation his BPD is so apparent.  At this moment I am nearly certain that our relationship is over.  I'm hesitant to make any sweeping declarations yet--I'm really just focusing on getting through one day at a time--but I think I may be moving on the Leaving Board soon.  Time will tell.

[patientandclear]

Just -- good.  It sounds like you communicated a boundary.  If someone leaves you without a word, he should expect that there will be an impact on the r/s he returns to.

I know what you mean, too, about mean communications sometimes having a lightbulb effect on our understanding of the seriousness of the situation and the disorder.

You're sounding clear & strong.  Good luck.  I think you've got an good internal compass working here.

[Red17]

Thank you so much for the support, p&c!  I'm lucky to have a lot of supportive family & friends, too, but they just don't understand the complexities of a r/s with a pwBPD.  They have all been fed up with him for over a year & are thrilled that he left.  They just want him gone.  I understand their viewpoint--they just want the best for me & know that he isn't it.  But, it's so much more complicated than they realize.  Like I said, one day at a time.

Also, I should mention that although he said he might come by today to see our son I haven't heard a word from yet today.  As I suspected, that was just a ruse to get sex.  Using our son that way is making it very easy for me to disconnect from him.