What's in it for me?

[empathic]

I've been considering lately, what if my wife could magically stop her BPD traits from appearing, what would I then think about our relationship? Sadly I've come to the conclusion that it's not even close to the kind of r/s I had hoped for. I used to enjoy eating lunch or getting a coffee with my wife, during times when she was not dysregulated. Not anymore so. She can get confrontational in just about any setting right now, when I least expect it. It's like the chemistry that used to keep us together is gone.

Also, I seldom get to implement any method of doing things that I'm comfortable with, regarding home life or upbringing of children. She decides on the best way to do things and that's just the way it is. If I can't keep up with her demands from that schedule I'm lazy. I'm sick and tired of this.

I think even disregarding BPD we've grown apart a great deal. When I met her she was vulnerable and we used to get through things together. She listened to my opinion. Her confidence has increased a lot over the years, and that is probably a good thing for her, but not for the r/s the way she utilizes it. She's now so sure of herself that she does not need my opinion anymore. In fact she invalidates me most of the time.

Needed to write this, hope anyone can relate.

[maxsterling]

When I tell friend or family, or even my T, about this relationship, they almost universally ask me, "what are you getting out of it?"  Hell, even my dBPDgf asks me that because she wants validation that she is worth something. 

And honestly, I don't know how to answer that honestly.  I usually give an answer like "love" or companionship.  But even then, I don't desire companionship 24/7/365.  Outside of work, I may get two hours total apart from her week, on a good week.  Even if I go to the next aisle in a store, it's not 30 seconds before she comes looking for me.  And, "love" is a complicated thing that defies explanation sometimes. 

But here are the realities:  She doesn't work, and contributes very little financially.  I don't think she ever will work.  She doesn't want to socialize with any of my friends, and has no friends of her own.  She's home all day, and doesn't clean up after herself.  She doesn't cook, either.  She's depressed and often won't bathe or take care of herself.  She's got an Amtrak train full of baggage from her life before me that she can't let go of.  Barring a miracle, I will never want to marry her and will never want to have kids with her.  I would want her to honestly tell me that she loves herself and life before I would consider either.  Plus, she's got 100k worth of student loan debt - marry her and I can expect to be in the poor house until I die.  Not that I would own her debt, but when she does have to start repayment, that's 100s less per month she can contribute to the household.

And I feel like a total fool for not having ended it yet.  Why?  I love her.  But honestly, I know I could do better.  And she knows it, freaks out about it, yet still does nothing to better herself.

Sorry for the ramblng rant - I definitely hear where you are coming from on this.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

For me it's the acceptance of how a person is, and facing the fact that things may never change, whether or not they want to. Radical acceptance. If there comes a day where it becomes unacceptable, then that's the stop we have to get off and not continue the journey.

[SimplySeattle]

But here are the realities:  She doesn't work, and contributes very little financially. 

This is exactly the same situation I was in. My soon to be ex expected me to pay for almost everything and take care of her. At the same time, she was emotionally unavailable and had to force herself to say I love you. Sometimes you really do have to create some distance from your "loved ones" and see really what you're getting out of it. Love should not be that complicated and it should be fairly equal and not just one person contributing to the relationship emotionally and financially.