The double standard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is the double standard pretty my expected in a relationship with a pwBPD?  It almost feels like just the definition of BPD means a double standard will exist.

For example, if I do some of the things she does to me, she'd be livid.  Or, a pwBPD so much fears you cheating on them, yet they are prone to cheat themselves. 

My GF will frequently mention some previous relationships.  Not in detail, but "I had a boyfriend once who liked xyz".  But if I said, "Oh yeah, I am familiar with that, because I had an ex who was really into that," she would obsess over that comment for DAYS.  The weirdest and most hurtful was during a rage, she said that I should have slept with 1000 women before I met her so that I would know how to touch her correctly.  But had I actually slept with 1000 women, she would not be able to rest with all her jealousy!  She can't even handle that I have one ex, let alone 1000.

Some of it comes from projection, which she admits to.  Sometimes she is on my case for not doing something, and it is something she isn't doing herself.  But she is really mad at herself for not doing it, yet she projects it onto me.  So, if I forget to brush my teeth, she will point it out, meanwhile it's been two days since she brushed hers. 

I don't think a double standard is ever healthy in a relationship.  Yet, it feels like this is something I will always have to accept in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Or is this something that can get better?  I've gotten to the point where I brush it off, but I still have to make a conscious effort to tell myself, "I'm a good person, she's just projecting."

[maxsterling]

Is the double standard pretty my expected in a relationship with a pwBPD?  It almost feels like just the definition of BPD means a double standard will exist.

For example, if I do some of the things she does to me, she'd be livid.  Or, a pwBPD so much fears you cheating on them, yet they are prone to cheat themselves. 

My GF will frequently mention some previous relationships.  Not in detail, but "I had a boyfriend once who liked xyz".  But if I said, "Oh yeah, I am familiar with that, because I had an ex who was really into that," she would obsess over that comment for DAYS.  The weirdest and most hurtful was during a rage, she said that I should have slept with 1000 women before I met her so that I would know how to touch her correctly.  But had I actually slept with 1000 women, she would not be able to rest with all her jealousy!  She can't even handle that I have one ex, let alone 1000.

Some of it comes from projection, which she admits to.  Sometimes she is on my case for not doing something, and it is something she isn't doing herself.  But she is really mad at herself for not doing it, yet she projects it onto me.  So, if I forget to brush my teeth, she will point it out, meanwhile it's been two days since she brushed hers. 

I don't think a double standard is ever healthy in a relationship.  Yet, it feels like this is something I will always have to accept in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Or is this something that can get better?  I've gotten to the point where I brush it off, but I still have to make a conscious effort to tell myself, "I'm a good person, she's just projecting."

[Red17]

Oh, do I feel your pain on this one!  My BPDbf is the king of the double standard, acknowledges it, & doesn't care--he thinks it's perfectly fine.  He mentions exes all the time & I have to act like my 2 children from my previous marriage were  born by immaculate conception.  But his jealousies go much further than past relationships.  I cannot even mention liking a particular actor (not even their work) or it will become an ongoing issue anytime that actor is in anything.  He even chides me over actors I don't know/haven't seen in anything telling me that I would "go crazy" for that guy.  He's even worse when it comes to music.  He's an amateur musician & I cannot even say that I like the Beatles (who I've loved since I was a child & am named after one of their songs) without sparking a full-on episode.  Before we met I was very involved in the local music scene--something we had in common & he loved about me--but he's since alienated me from most of those old friends & acquaintances over his insecurities.  Actually, I guess it's not fair to say that he alienated me from them.  I did that myself in an effort to appease him & avoid hurting him.  It didn't do any good, though.  He still rages at me about people I haven't spoken to in years when he's having an outburst. 

The double standard extends far beyond those types of jealousies.  He expects to be praised & rewarded if he changes one diaper meanwhile I care for our infant son 24/7.  He demands "me time" on a regular basis while the only time in the past year that I have been away from our son was for doctor appointments.  He sees no disparity in this & is infuriated if I dare to mention it.  Sadly, I think that a double standard is just part of the package being involved with a pwBPD.  It's one of the many reasons I considering no longer being involved with a pwBPD.

I'm sorry to rant, but boy did this strike a chord with me.  Big time. 

[maxsterling]

The new thing is about health & safety.  She will worry about me riding my bike, doing field work with my job, doing home repairs, mowing the lawn, etc.  She says she worries constantly about it.  And she says she would "die" if anything were to happen to me... .

And her multi-weekly statements about wanting to kill herself, her binge eating, staying inside all day, and getting no exercise aren't supposed to worry me?

[Red17]

It sounds to me like she's in the Clinger Phase.  I remember those days.  Unfortunately, we've progressed to the Hater Phase.  Makes me long for the Clinger days. 

Have you read this article yet?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves  I found it on the Home Page & it's been very helpful to me.  It outlines our relationship so perfectly I'm surprised it doesn't include our names.

[maxsterling]

Red- yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  And we are back to the clinger phase, for sure.  For awhile I thought it had to do with her worsening depression and her being on mood stabilizer meds.  But after re-reading that I wonder if I inadvertently threw the relationship back to the clinger phase by being non-committal about marriage.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Red- yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  And we are back to the clinger phase, for sure.  For awhile I thought it had to do with her worsening depression and her being on mood stabilizer meds.  But after re-reading that I wonder if I inadvertently threw the relationship back to the clinger phase by being non-committal about marriage.

You did. You have the control at the moment. Hold onto it as long as you can to minimize the rages. It's all about control unfortunately.

Oh, I ALSO LOATHE THE DOUBLE STANDARD! It has to be one of the most annoying things about the BPD dynamic. Luckily my gf is not doing it as much these days. Of course I am sure that is because I avoid as many triggers as possible. Especially exes! Your 1000 story cracked me up. Thanks for making me laugh. Sometimes that is all we can do 

[Blue57]

I have also been faced with the double standard from day one.  I just realized it from reading this post.  I was the master of double standards early in our relationship and realized what I was doing and how it was hurting her, so I stopped it.  She then convinced me that double standards were ok for her, because certain things affected her more deeply than they did me.  If it didn't hurt me as much, then it was ok to do it, even if I did not do that thing.  For example verbal abuse.  Since I have a thicker skin, it was ok to do that to me, but since she was delicate, I was not permitted to reciprocate.  This took all kinds of forms, like her being allowed to flirt with men when shopping because I worked with women.  I bought it all completely and believe that I was insensitive and mean not to give her that latitude.  Any time I had misgivings about it, she would bring up the things I used to do years ago and justify everything with that.  Reading these posts, I am starting to think I have been duped all these years.  I don't want to make her out to be evil.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

The post at https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves also rings 100% true for me.  It could have been written about us, down to the wording and phrases.  It gives me chills to see it so accurately portrayed as common.

[Hopeless777]

Here's my experience: when we go out she can flirt with anybody and everybody right in front of me. Actually, I don't (didn't) mind much since I (use to) trust her, and she's sexy and "just having fun." But god help me if I so much as look at a good looking woman who inadvertently crosses my path. Her response usually is "You wanna f**k her don't you?" Then i usually get told about all the positions i want to use on her, etc., etc. Then I get nervous and start to shake because I know what's coming and the evening is ruined and the $1,000 on dinner and opera is wasted, and a big fight is looming, and I want to die rather than be with her for another minute. Talk about a double standard! It's just so confusing.

[SimplySeattle]

Then I get nervous and start to shake because I know what's coming and the evening is ruined and the $1,000 on dinner and opera is wasted

You overspent by $990. for the drama you got in return.