What is locking me in?

[halfnelson]

I think there is so much that says I should leave. I do care about him, but I feel like we don't even have enough in common for me to bother.

The main things I think are keeping me staying are these:

My Dad likes him, and he's old, and I know he got really upset when my sister broke up with her perfect boyfriend (he was lovely, bit nerdy, but lovely).

If we divorced, he'd probably not be allowed to stay living in England.

He seems to be fairly fine when there is financial stability. Since his job is pretty much temp work, and he has issues with the people who work there, he worries about cash flow.

I don't have to pretend I'm something I'm not to him, and I feel like he can't keep secrets from me.

The idea of being with someone else terrifies me. I was living alone for years, and that was comfortable, aside from some traumatic events that put me off men even more... .

If we weren't married, I think I'd find it easier to leave somehow. What is it about marriage that is keeping me? It wasn't an expensive day, and I have never wanted to get married before I met him.

He doesn't have any high points these days. It is a constant struggle. Last night, he was just so low, and I had to listen to him for over an hour (a rare treat compared to the 4 hour rants) talking about how he hates England now, thinks he'd be better off in Germany(not sure why, he's never been there!).

And when I asked him to think about the happiest time in his life, he didn't say his wedding day or anything involving me, he said it was when he was with his first girlfriend, now deceased. She left him and died a month later, so I can understand there will always be grief, and he is convinced that had she not died they would still be together.

In fact, the circumstances around her death are so tragic, I find it hard to think about, and have no idea how he even deals with it. Maybe that's why he drinks so much.

[Surnia]

Hi halfnelson

Its a important question you are asking here. 

Are you a bit familiar with co-dependency? This workshop could be something to read through: Are we co-dependent?

Is he drinking a lot? Do you feel this has an impact on your marriage?

[halfnelson]

I have thought about co-dependency and I guess I have to accept I am. It's just hard because I try to avoid constant conflict, and I never used to be like this. I know I was on my own for a few years, so I could think about myself, I guess. It was really useful to have that time because it means I know I can do it again. I suppose I have to work out how to change it without going insane.

He drinks a lot when he drinks... . he'll go for a couple of weeks without, but then when he's been working, he 'needs' a drink because work is 'stressful', but the only stress is that he can't get along with people so easily.

Babysteps, I guess.

[Surnia]

Did he get ever physical when he is drunk? It could have a reason that you are avoiding conflict... .

What about joining a ALANon group?

Yes, baby steps. Its good for you to know that you can be at your own.

[halfnelson]

He doesn't get physical when he's drunk, aside from wanting to hug me a lot, and not letting me go. His threats of violence are more to his own harm, but they are never obvious so I can help prevent anything happening. One time he'd got very drunk, and I decided to go to bed and leave him be, then woke up to find a bath had been run.

I saw the next morning he had tried to cut his wrists, and possibly gave up because he was too drunk, or changed his mind. He was pretty lucky that night, but his self-harm has been quite extreme in the past. When I met him, he'd not harmed for years and then when he found out his Dad was coming to visit for a couple of days, a month before, he cut his leg so badly that it took months to heal and he now has a 4 by 2 inch chunk out of his leg. The nurse actually told him he could have died if he didn't take it seriously enough.

I know his ex-girlfriend goes to al-anon now, and she definitely ticked all of the boxes for co-dependant. I think she wanted to help him so that he'd fall in love with her, but it was such a messed up and unconventional relationship. I also have a thing where I constantly worry about her, and want her to be happy... . definitely tick that self-sacrificing box!

I think I should go to al-anon, and there is one nearby, but I'm not sure what I'll get out of it. I suppose I have to now. I know I bury my head when he's having a good day or two.

I suppose my avoiding conflict is because it's so tiresome to get into arguments over nothing. It literally exhausts me when he starts an argument every 5 minutes, and accuses ME of starting it.

When I was in the therapeutic community, I came out so confident and assertive. We had to challenge beliefs a lot, and also psycho-drama was AMAZING for practising difficult situations.

I let go of any potentially damaging partners/friends (aside from the one BPD friend I had), knowing it wasn't worth the hassle. I would stand up to people if I thought I was being wronged, and a lot of my friends loved my no-nonsense attitude. I still am able to stand up to anyone in authority (not sure why), but now I just find it hard to say anything without feeling like someone will be able to ruin me with a comeback. The same people I could say something to if I had an issue, I can't say a word now.

The only person I can talk to so openly and freely with is a friend I made while in the TC, and we both have a very complex and intimate knowledge of each other, so we can say how we feel without any issue of repercussions and a bit more compassion than someone who hasn't been in that sort of therapy.

My thinking now is that, although I am relatively secure in my relationship now, if I don't curb his negative actions now, it will be much worse in a few years. Plus we have enough stress with dealing with his visa stuff. We have to reapply next March, and if I have to go through that level of stress again, I'll not be filling in the forms at all!

[halfnelson]

PS, I have just found out about CODA, which is a co-dependent support group. I am hoping they are still running one down the road from me. I feel quite hopeful that there is help. Can still never believe I am in this situation, but I need to learn how to respect myself again.

Thank you!

[Surnia]

Can still never believe I am in this situation, but I need to learn how to respect myself again.

I think this is something very important! its accepting a difficult reality, reaching our to others and making steps for you to find your way through it.

Keep going.