Trust

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Actual statement from BPDw of 26 years:

Her:  "I don't trust you anymore. I want to trust you. It is up to you as head of this household to show me that I can trust you."

Me:   "What do you want me to do?"

Her:  "I will give you a partial list. But you should know what to do."

Me:   "OK... . but if I do everything on the list, how do I know there won't be more lists?"

Her:  "You don't. It's your job to get my trust back."

How screwed up is that? She has given me two suggestions: (1) leave cell phone in plain site and allow her to go on it at anytime and (2) give me access to all the banking, credit card, social network, etc. log ons, user names and passwords.

If I do any of those I'm screwed. My lawyer says to change all the passwords and NEVER give them out to any body, including BPDw.

If those are the first two items to regain her trust then I guess I'm done without even getting to anything else.

Anybody have similar issues?

[Hopeless777]

Actual statement from BPDw of 26 years:

Her:  "I don't trust you anymore. I want to trust you. It is up to you as head of this household to show me that I can trust you."

Me:   "What do you want me to do?"

Her:  "I will give you a partial list. But you should know what to do."

Me:   "OK... . but if I do everything on the list, how do I know there won't be more lists?"

Her:  "You don't. It's your job to get my trust back."

How screwed up is that? She has given me two suggestions: (1) leave cell phone in plain site and allow her to go on it at anytime and (2) give me access to all the banking, credit card, social network, etc. log ons, user names and passwords.

If I do any of those I'm screwed. My lawyer says to change all the passwords and NEVER give them out to any body, including BPDw.

If those are the first two items to regain her trust then I guess I'm done without even getting to anything else.

Anybody have similar issues?

[maxsterling]

Did she give any kind of a reason why she no longer trusts you?

In my personal opinion, this is something that would be a deal breaker for me.  I'd simply say "No, that is unreasonable.  That kind of information should not be required for you to trust me, and if it is, than this is a relationship I can no longer be in."

Of course she would use that as "proof" I was hiding something.  But I would rather lose the relationship and let her think what she wants rather than lose my freedom and privacy.

[Hopeless777]

Feel free to read my whole saga elsewhere under "I've Been Punished Enough"

[Seneca]

Yea, i got this tonight: " after so and so left me 13 years ago, i just really needed someone who was loyal. Who i could trust... . who could make me feel safe." The implication is "not you", obviously.

I'm sorry, YOU  are paranoid, i am NOT untrustworthy. HELLLLOO?

Hopeless, i know it hurts man, but ya gotta get the hell out of there. This is a dead end brother. One day you'll be free from her, totally at peace and wonder why in heck you waited so long... . and regret all the time you wasted hoping for a miracle. She has had how many years to pull herself up? Let go of the rope.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0

[musicfan42]

Why did she call you the head of the household?

[Hopeless777]

She called me "head of the household" because on top of all the other grief I have with her, she's a religious nut job... . the reference is biblical. Example, she believes that if she leaves a Christian radio station on in the house it prevents demons from entering (unless of course I walk in! Ha!) I've had to put up with this foolishness for some 20 years.

[maxsterling]

Wow, man, I just re-read your other thread.  I'm still learning who is who on here, and lately my head is just so caught up with other stuff I can't always remember who posted what

I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry you are dealing with this - it just sounds so overwhelming.   And to deal with this for so long.  Your one little "slip up" wasn't even a slip up! 

I'm not even sure what your options are here except to simply give up and leave.

[GopherAgent]

To Hopeless777... .

Gee... . Are you secretly taping the conversations going on in my house? Are you hiding somewhere in here and writing this all down? I've been down the "trust" road so many times its funny (not really) to see someone else who's going through this as well.

I can identify with this as I have been asked the same thing from my wife. But, it always goes one step further and I'm sure you've probably experienced this as well. So... . after the arguments, blowups, rages... . whatever are over, things are OK for some time. Then, it all goes to crap again and I hear... . "Just when I was beginning to trust you again... . You went and broke my trust in you and now I don't know if I can ever trust you again". Ever heard that one? You will! Just you wait.

It's amazing that no matter what you do and what you are and no matter how good you are to her... . You are always the one breaking the trust... . even though you didn't do anything that you are aware of to break this trust... . or that the issue was ever about "trust".

I've finally figured out that when the "trust" word gets thrown around, there is little to say to defend myself. Her perception of trust is what ever issue or matter that conveniently happens to fancy her so that she can have something to shift the focus off of her and on to you so she can tell you just how disappointing and horrible you are to treat her what ever way she thinks you are treating her.

So, in response, do what you are planning on doing anyway and for sure, don't give her passwords, etc. And as far as "If those are the first two items to regain her trust then I guess I'm done without even getting to anything else"... . think about it this way. Those first two items are just that... . the first two she expects you to hand over and for her to control. I guarantee that once she is satisfied that you've caved on those two things, she will find two more things more important than the first two she wanted you to man up to and then continue to play the "trust" issue with two or three more important and immediate "trust" issues that tick her off about you. And then when you go back and try to talk about the first two items of trust that were so damned important way back when, she will probably forget they were ever talked about or maybe poo-poo that they were ever that important because now these new "trust" issues  are so much more immediate and more important that those ever were. Then, repeat this cycle several dozen or a hundred times and you can see the movable and shifting goal post "trust" gives you to keep you off guard and dazed and bruised.

I used to do my own rage in response to this. Then I found these sites and web info on BPD and now I sort of get it.

IT"S NOT ABOUT ME!

Good Luck... . GopherAgent

[Love Is Not Enough]

Wow, man, I just re-read your other thread.

I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry you are dealing with this - it just sounds so overwhelming.   And to deal with this for so long.  Your one little "slip up" wasn't even a slip up!  

I'm not even sure what your options are here except to simply give up and leave.

Ditto

Do NOT give her anything!

[Southern_Belle]

I hear what you're saying , Hopeless777. I'm stuck in a whole trust issue myself with my BPDbf and I have no clue how to figure it out. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[Jayhawk21]

It's always one more thing and one more thing and then the next thing. Don't get me wrong, I've made mistakes, but when my pwBPD made them I forgave her. She had no forgive in her.

So yup no matter what it's always more boundaries and they come with ultimatums to manipulate you.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

It happened to me also after a year. My uBPDw was very adept at throwing Hobson's choice at me. The logical answer is to stick to your principle. For my case, there was ulterior motives, and she was playing out things in her head. We can choose to participate or not. Tough choices, but have to make them, and I have to face the fallout of the explosion. It had to reach the point when my well being was in jeopardy before I realized it. Trust has to work both ways in a relationship, otherwise it is lopsided. It's never ending cycle I feel, if she doesn't trust me why would I trust her.

[Wrongturn1]

Last night, uBPDw told me that in order for to be able to trust me, I have to tell her every single detail of my entire day each night so that she knows I am being open and honest with her (the "open and honest" thing is a recurring theme with her).  Of course, in reality, if I did that, she still would not trust me because she is incapable of trusting anyone.  So I just told her the truth, which is that my behavior is squeaky clean, and that I'm not the type of person who re-hashes every single detail of their day (that's just tedious and boring!).  Blah.