Affair w/married longtime friend w/BPD

[joekro]

I have just transferred over to this board from the "detaching" board because I don't really know what I'm going to do. I have reconciled that the romance is over, but letting her go altogether is proving highly challenging.

I've known her for over half of my life and we have been extremely close despite a lengthy period of time where we had no contact.

Short version backstory... .

We reunited about a year ago and we picked up right where we left off. Our early r/s was purely platonic, best friends, and we were each others biggest fan and nothing in that regard had changed. We began to flirt however and that of course lit the fuse. The affair ensues as we block out the obvious inappropriateness of what we are doing, but every so often we would both be banging our heads against the wall because the guilt was immense. We decided that one more meeting and we would end it. We blew that chance because we were discovered and now, I'm afraid divorce is on the table.

I won't contact her but she has my number. She has called several times since the discovery to talk and work through what we did and how to move forward and save her marriage, but I know that my presence, however obscure, is detrimental to what she is trying to accomplish so I am considering changing my number. Her infidelity and my irresponsible behavior are unforgivable and it is something we both will have to live with.

I know this wreaks of denial but our relationship is "outside the box". What I must do is cherish those memories and remove myself from her life, because she won't. How do I do that? I've been praying for guidance but haven't heard back yet.

I go back and forth with my do I leave her to deal with this on her own or do I remain available for support?

[Clearmind]

I go back and forth with my do I leave her to deal with this on her own or do I remain available for support?

Jocro, what sort of support could you provide if you are part of the dilemma?

[rj47]

Has it occurred to you that you might have been a symptom of the PD? You helped create a tragic situation for a husband and family and now you're debating (and asking) how you can help her? You noted that she has BPD, yet entered into an illicit relationship with her anyway. I suspect you have done more than enough already and need to let her sort through the consequences of her actions; if she can.

[KE151]

RJ has a point here. Your further involvement in her salvaging her marriage or any other help is morally highly questionable. You first lit the fire, and now you're putting it out?

You need to exit her life in order for her to help her fix her own problems. I know it sounds dramatic but starting this r/s has ended your friendship with her. You cannot remain in her life anymore unless she gets divorced. Then she's all yours in all her BPD glory... .

[Waddams]

I agree with the others that the best thing you can do is exit gracefully at this point.

It's also very common in infidelity situations for the female affair partner to be much more resistant to breaking contact.  Women get much more emotionally entangled in these situations.  They don't cheat for sex.  They cheat to fill a hole in them that is missing emotionally.  Breaking off that contact for them is very hard because it leaves them with a deeper hole to fill than what they started with.   This is also why cheating women leave their husbands for affair partners more often then cheating men leave their wives.  Men are more likely to throw their affair partner under the bus and try to reconcile with their wives because they don't cheat for love (they cheat for the thrill and the ego boost they get from the other woman).  When faced with having to leave a marriage/life/children/family, men usually recognize what they stand to lose (family, financially, etc.) and the thrill and ego boost isn't worth it to them, particularly since they know the thrill and ego boost will be gone once the r/s has become every day life for them.

So, in addition to her BPD which will cause her to struggle with contact with you as she will have a tough time with abandonment, she'll also have the emotional attachment that nearly all cheating women have.  If she really is BPD, chances are she won't be able to control herself and you're going to be having contact from her for a long time.

To illustrate the point, my PDxw cheated with her best friend's husband.  And I suspect her best female friend.  Without going into just how twisted it all came out to be, after I discovered and outed all the various shenanigans, the other man dumped her like a rotten hot potato and tried to reconcile with his wife.  It was my PDxw that kept up attempts to remain in contact with them both.  She created secret email addresses that she thought she could keep hidden, etc.  And the female friend was sporadic in contact with her too.  The lady would email, call, she even initiated contact again with PDxw by sending a request to review a movie together through a Netflix friends list (the movie was some thing called "hot flesh" or something, and had a cover featuring a fit, attractive bare woman's midriff with multiple sets of hands caressing it... . how strange is that?).  And this was the woman that PDxw betrayed by schtuping her husband in her own house while the friend was asleep!  Hence why I believe there was more hanky panky going on between the two of them on some level.  That lady would not have kept trying to maintain contact with a woman that betrayed her like that unless there was something else beyond friendship between them.

I didn't get out of having to deal with all that drama until I divorced.  As far as I know, they initiated contact as soon as I filed, at least for a while.  I also know the other couple eventually divorced.  But the three of them had some kind of weird triangle going, with PDxw apparently cheating with both of them, and neither of them knew it.  I don't think the other husband ever discovered what was happening between our wives either, and I always disliked him to start with, so I never enlightened him.

Anyway, the moral of the story is as long as you don't set a hard boundary of NC with her, you're gonna have extra drama in your life that you don't need.  You can't undo past mistakes, you can only move on to what is best for you, and the sooner you do it, the better for you.  

[Lotlal]

I have just transferred over to this board from the "detaching" board because I don't really know what I'm going to do. I have reconciled that the romance is over, but letting her go altogether is proving highly challenging.

I've known her for over half of my life and we have been extremely close despite a lengthy period of time where we had no contact.

Short version backstory... . 

We reunited about a year ago and we picked up right where we left off. Our early r/s was purely platonic, best friends, and we were each others biggest fan and nothing in that regard had changed. We began to flirt however and that of course lit the fuse. The affair ensues as we block out the obvious inappropriateness of what we are doing, but every so often we would both be banging our heads against the wall because the guilt was immense. We decided that one more meeting and we would end it. We blew that chance because we were discovered and now, I'm afraid divorce is on the table.

I won't contact her but she has my number. She has called several times since the discovery to talk and work through what we did and how to move forward and save her marriage, but I know that my presence, however obscure, is detrimental to what she is trying to accomplish so I am considering changing my number. Her infidelity and my irresponsible behavior are unforgivable and it is something we both will have to live with.

I know this wreaks of denial but our relationship is "outside the box". What I must do is cherish those memories and remove myself from her life, because she won't. How do I do that? I've been praying for guidance but haven't heard back yet.

I go back and forth with my do I leave her to deal with this on her own or do I remain available for support?


Been a while since you posted this but I'm in a similar situation - did you end up changing your #?  I've been curious about that but didn't want to hurt her feelings either.  I feel like she is in an in between stage of holding onto me while she's looking for a replacement.  Any insight you can share would be helpful.  Did you make it to NC?   If so has she tried getting in touch?  Thanks