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Author Topic: How my ex with BPD destroyed my life and now I am recovering.  (Read 2587 times)
ynguns2
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« on: January 24, 2014, 11:20:53 AM »

I had dated a woman who had BPD. She was at first a woman whom I thought I would have shared my life with only to find out that never would happen or even possible with someone like herself. I remember I met her on match.com and she had stated she used to date her boss who was a doctor and she is a nurse. I said why do you still work with him? and she said it was because the hours were good and she took care of her mom who is serbian and cannot speak english. I thought ok well that's a good reason to work there, then I find out she has a 31 y/o brother who lives at home rent free and is unemployed so he can watch her mom which is ridiculous. She had all these books in her house about how bad men are and getting over him guides and so forth. I remember after about 2 months she was getting angry over nothing and would tell me that I should buy her gifts like her ex did and then she would say her ex was a jerk and mean i don't get it?. I stayed with her for 2 years and every 2-3 weeks she would break up with me and blamed me for everything. She was on antidepressants and obviously refused therapy and it caused me to see a therapist who told me to leave but like a fool I stayed. Well in August we went to a therapist per her request and the same day of meeting she was online and talking to a guy who she met on Match.com and broke up with me 3 days after she had said she loved me so much. She changed her number and then two weeks later calls me back and i took her back. We went on a trip to pittsburgh from Chicago and she got mad about traffic and yelled at me and then left me in Pittsburgh 6 hrs away costing me $300 for a rent a car. I come home and that week she filed a restraining order o me which was vacated but we have a no-contact order and I am still in shock I have no closure. I have met a nice woman since then and now I am having a kid and scared to death. I wish i could go back in time and never have met her. I still fantasize about her and I imagine her with other guys and I get upset and need advice how to stop this thinking process. i want to have a normal life and be a good father and I am afraid she will call me or contact me in March when order is lifted from both of us.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2014, 09:13:00 PM »

Ynguns2,

It’s often beyond belief to read descriptions such as yours …and feel I’ve lived through the very same… So, I ‘Validate’ your trauma – it is real - and unfortunately, experienced by most around here.

Actually, your post is why I’m attempting to avoid the “L 3” (detaching) threads on this board and focus on the L 4 (‘moving on’) portion.  If a moderator moves this, I’ll understand.  Crap, I’ve been either trying to get over or back together with an undiagnosed BPDgf for nearly three years.  There’s so much to this… it’s difficult to know where to begin...  

Their MO (modus operandi) is to hook you fast and deep.  They so mirror your behavior that you feel you’ve met your soul mate.  Then the worm turns.  For some, it appears to take years; after marriage, kids and an eventual/ inevitable divorce... .   For those like us, it happens soon enough (or often enough) that we’re dumped before we know it …then recycled as long as we’ve something more to offer…  And, we’re the lucky ones!

…About to quote and relate to several of your statements, but won’t.  I’ve been there – they’ve a ___ load of exes… they lie, don’t travel well, unexpectedly dump you, attempt to kill you with ‘silence,’ seek drama, badmouth their exes, reminisce fondly about an ex and suggest you seek counseling…  Classic BPD behavior.

After allowing myself to be (near) endlessly recycled, here are a few conclusions: They’ve a wild childish charm that takes us back to a time in life we only wished we could have acted on such feelings of attraction.  They pretend to love everything we love.  Sex is a hook that they use to the fullest.  They share deep personal feelings and you are their ‘everything,’ for awhile

The worm turns: they begin looking for your replacement, looking to recycle old affairs, easy to anger, angry for no reason, pile your belongings outside their door, paint you black to family, coworkers and friends, unexpectedly call it off, block your communications, blame you…  Then they’re back, if you’re as unlucky as me.

I’m not sure where your pending fatherhood comes in … but it sounds like an additional complication. 

My advice: ask that this be re-posted on the L 3 location of this board, then start reading (and tears are allowed).  That’s one reason I keep coming back, cheap therapy!  And eventually, you can occasionally give some hard-earned advice.  You’ve obviously got it bad …that’s unfortunately how it works.  It is insidious - and I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy… if I had one...   And it hurts, bad, and apparently, for quite a while.  It’s like a hard drug, and though I’ve often wondered what kicking Heroin felt like, this can’t be far … it’s so emotional...  

One step at a time.  But do get to the ‘leaving’ thread, they’re good.  ‘Here,’ I’m hoping to figure out how to find a healthy partner…  Everyone deserves that

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2014, 01:29:20 PM »

Ynguns2, you’d sent me a Personal Message, and having spent half the morning responding …I’d like to post my response here.  Hope that’s OK …my main desire anymore is to perhaps help others by describing my experiences.  Here goes:

Hey (Ynguns2), I’m 56, and my exBPDgf is ten years younger, to put myself into perspective.  I was also 36 when my first daughter was born…  OK, I’d read your following thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217940.msg12377759#msg12377759

I’ve had to go back and reread much of that post to get a better understanding of where you’re at and what advice you’ve been given.  Some of these folks … can be quite cruel in how they respond…  I’m not like that, but maybe too soft?  Anyway, I’m still a bit confused, but will do my best to share my experiences and advice.

You’re trying to get over the BPDgf, but in the meantime have another woman, Kelly, pregnant.  Or, she got herself pregnant using you.  At her age, time begins to run out on motherhood, and maybe you were targeted as a ‘responsible father’ with a solid job.  Maybe it was unplanned on her part, and I don’t know how this stands with you, but even my BPDgf and I had discussed abortion if she were to get pregnant.  Granted, that was a few ‘breakups’ after having talked about having another child.  She was 44 when we met, so not out of the question …and we seemed crazy in love, I know I was.

Now day’s society seems fine with single moms and dads, so if the school teacher and you don’t ultimately mix, there’s no need to harness yourself to a bad marriage.  Having been married for nearly thirty years… once they go bad, ‘staying together for the kid’s sake’ creates more difficulty for the kid/s than ending it.  

It sounds like you are still attempting to get over your BPD experience.  So am I.  You know, you mentioned being a brave firefighter yet not so brave at the moment.  That had me thinking…  I doubt that you’re all that ‘brave,’ I wasn’t, as I went straight out of high school to acquire a two year degree in law enforcement and criminal justice.  What ‘we’ are is giving – to the point of giving our lives for others … likely the same trait our BPD’s zeroed in on.  I’m sure you’d have given your life for yours, and every asset you have … I would have.  Problem is, she’d have gladly taken it as proof that she was loved, then been just as likely to have moved on to her next victim (though had we actually died for her ... that would be a given ;-).  We’re good people, and we care – that’s why you’re currently messed up over both situations, and likely me, too.

As far as getting over the BPDgf…  It’s tuff, it’s like a drug …of which, having wanted to be a cop (which I eventually decided against), I never indulged in the harder stuff of my day.  I’ve copied six ‘Word Documents’ of ten pages each of advice I’ve gleaned from this site as well as found from other online sources.  The reason I could so easily relate to what you experienced with your BPDgf is because they operate nearly the same way, it’s documented and researched.  I found this place after buying, and reading twice, the author’s second book who began this site.  They hook you, mirror you, dive into bed with you, admire you, test you, turn on you, hate you, dump you, miss you, recycle you, mirror you … the entire time scanning for your replacement!

They know it won’t last, it never has.  But, they want the same love we do, so each time they strike up a new romance, they’ve got hope that ‘this is it.’  And they give it their best.  I think I know when mine decided it wasn’t going to work … she was crying in bed next to me, and eventually admitted that “she was no good for me, and that she would only hurt me.”  It wasn’t about me, or anything I’d done, it just seemed she’d run out of the energy or momentum necessary to continue ‘pretending’ I was her everything and that she loved everything I loved.  Simplistic, weird, but I think it was that simple.  She knew I would become just another memory in her long line of unsuccessful attempts at a real and lasting relationship.  She just couldn’t do it.

But I could, and had.  So, I reassured her that I loved her… but that seemed the beginning of the end for us…  We were never as close, which is a theme I’ve read many times on this board.  It was not only a rocky ride down hill …the feeling of always trying to ‘prove my love’ to her, as she ‘sat back’ and determined if I were worthy, also seems a common theme.  She insisted couples counseling, piled my things outside her door, placed a chair against the door so I couldn’t get in (then lied that she had), she used my services in every way; pruning her mothers massive street trees for free, cleaning gutters, taking down trees, gardening, mowing, painting, car repairs, vacation trips, shuttling her to airport, moving her, feeding her, finding her a house, loaning her money, entertaining her, her boys, her family…  In the end – I was definitely used … yet I returned for more… all with hopes of it once again being as it originally was.

But it had been a royal fake-out on her part (she’s half British).  A well calculated scheme to lure me into her clutches for as long as possible.  Yes, she wanted the same deep and lasting love I did, but knew deep inside she wasn’t capable of it, so rode it (me) for all it was worth.  

I’d also experienced normal, like your Teacher.  Yes, even ‘prudish’ in comparison to the wild stuff me and BPD would do…  I’m just over two months away from my BPDgf, our ‘record’ had been three.  In the meantime (which burnt her up), I began seeing another woman among our network of mutual friends.  But ‘she was normal,’ and trying to get over a Narcissistic romance with a guy was also likely has BPD…  He’d moved several states away, she was still stuck on him, so we near endlessly discussed our messed up X’s while drinking her wine …she’s a scientist and actually makes her own line of wine.  But, advancing toward intimacy was at a glacial pace …and I was so missing my BPDgf that, when given a chance, I dropped the new normal friend and returned to BPDland.  That happened twice, and my normal friend was devastated, cuz we had something, and pissed at me for ‘dumping her’ for someone so disordered…  

But sure as ___, it never lasted with BPDgf.  In fact, true to trajectory, we ended each time sooner than ever… because by that time I’d begun setting and enforcing some serious boundaries.  Even during the ‘best of times’ with BPDgf …we’d not quite make it 3 weeks before she’d find some petty reason to push me away, the ‘push-pull’ thing…  Bottom line – they’ve used the deepest of ploys to hook us, and being good people, we fell for their needs along with our desires.  But they are mentally ill, seriously.  They are only a ‘flash in the pan’ of life, unable and incapable of maintaining the level of energy necessary to sustain the wild ride – and unable to summon the stability and discipline to maintain a lasting and loving relationship.  Lot’s has been written describing their childish behavior and limitations, and it fits.  Like a child, they’re easily distracted and lack the adult capability to commit, they just don’t understand, have tiny attention spans and an ever-lasting immaturity…  

Noting this, we step in.  We’re good, honest, caring and giving people – if they can’t carry the load, we will!  We can handle an occasional tantrum, can’t we?  We can pick up the pieces, we’ve proven ourselves capable in many aspects of life, we can surely include theirs, can’t we... ?  I should try to link you with the best, most clinical description I’ve read on BPD – it’s something I’d sent to close friends after one of our first and ‘seemingly’ most serious break ups.  :)on’t know if they actually ‘got it.’  Seems one has to have experienced the craziness of BPD before coming close to understanding it …they likely thought I was making this stuff up.  Anyway, there’s a description of a pwBPD behaving as though they’d just been rescued after falling off a ship … then, after being warmed and fed – they head right back to the edge and step off again!  Even if you give everything you’ve got (I would have), they’ll ultimately reject you.  And the more you give and however solid you are, they will find, hell – make up reasons to reject you.  Perhaps, like a child, they’re incapable of a love attachment, thus ‘instinctively’ reject it.  The info’s out there, and once you recognize that it fits your experiences with the BPD to a T … it’s time to go to work on yourself, because unfortunately – and to you, as a firefighter, this must really hurt …there’s no saving them...

Here you go, in case you’ve not read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

As for your School Teacher…  I can envision that, too.  I’ve been working within schools myself and fully understand their desire to maintain a ‘straight up’ life style.  But you are who you are, and would likely find yourself trapped by her rigid expectations.  To me, marriage remains serious.  It’s not a band aid.  I’d have some long and serious talks in person with her.  No pretense, just how you feel about any subject.  Find out her thoughts, too.  I know the guy’s generally ‘to blame’ for a pregnancy, but I believe that you were careful, as was I…  But it obviously takes two, you need to be fully aware of her perspective, and proceed from there.  Most women your age will have a child, so you shouldn’t feel you need to remain alone.  If the School Teacher had decided to continue the pregnancy, being the first to know, then she’s fully aware of the responsibilities involved, and will likely be a good mother.  And, as mentioned, you’ll get to be a Dad.  And fortunately (or not), in this day and age, single parents and blended families may actually be the norm.  

I hope I’ve helped…  You sound like a noble guy, risking your life for others as a profession definitely confirms that, as well as how this is eating at you.  You know, my BPDgf would often, which would cause me to cringe at the number, point out guys around town she’d once ‘gone out with.’  I’d do my best to size them up, and most looked like uncaring jerks likely having been looking only for sex.  I get the feeling you and I are different.  It’s nice, and definitely part of the hook, but the reason we have such a hard time with breakups is that we actually cared and were willing to help, when other’s were more than willing to move on…  My exuBPDgf also recognized that, and we did have something, which is why I’d given it … crap, seven recycles.  But as described above, she just couldn’t do it …didn’t, doesn’t, and likely never will have what it takes… and it continues to break my heart, too.  Mine will be back, having met through a large network of friends has definitely led to the multiple recycles as we’ve agreed that within two sentences with each other and we’re back in love…  But I need more – and no matter how giving a person is – there’s a time you must look out for yourself …and perhaps begin to take on the ugly features of the guys that supposedly rejected her … or become responsible for your own demise.  “Fool me once – shame on you - - fool me twice, shame on me.”  …fool me eight times... ?  You don’t want to go there!

Look out for yourself, and plan to play as important a role in anyone’s life as possible, be it a girl or a boy.  I had two girls, one at age 36, and the next two years later.  Of all I’ve achieved in life, and I’ve done well, they, and what I’ve instilled in them will be my greatest and most lasting legacy.  Romance wanes, we grow old, but our children are the pieces of us that will always want and need us…  You’ll be there, in whatever capacity works best for all.  Trust yourself, and look out for yourself, and in doing so, you’ll be there for your child.  Stay strong, and perhaps turn some of the caring you have toward others back at yourself … ‘we’ deserve some of our best, too

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