Do they run out of road?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was just enjoying a brandy & pondering in my leather wingback chair... .

I'm currently 38 years old. I don't look as young as I did ten years ago, and ten years from now, I probably won't look as good as tonight!

And ya know what? That doesn't bother me a hoop! Not a squiffer!

Because as I move through my life I meet people & make friends. I offer those friends love, care, a helping hand or listening ear if needed. I'm honest with people & keep my promises. I value the people around me & I genuinely believe it's reciprocated.

I love my family & love my friends. And feel they love me too!

My looks, sex appeal, powers of seduction yadda yadda yadda have feck all to do with my giving, and receiving love from those around me!


So, knowing that pwBPD don't really have much beyond their looks, do they run out of road when the looks fade away? We will continue to enjoy love of friends & family well into our wrinkled decades where good looks are memories. Do pwBPD run out of supply & become social hermits with nobody there anymore?

[Moonie75]

I was just enjoying a brandy & pondering in my leather wingback chair... .

I'm currently 38 years old. I don't look as young as I did ten years ago, and ten years from now, I probably won't look as good as tonight!

And ya know what? That doesn't bother me a hoop! Not a squiffer!

Because as I move through my life I meet people & make friends. I offer those friends love, care, a helping hand or listening ear if needed. I'm honest with people & keep my promises. I value the people around me & I genuinely believe it's reciprocated.

I love my family & love my friends. And feel they love me too!

My looks, sex appeal, powers of seduction yadda yadda yadda have feck all to do with my giving, and receiving love from those around me!


So, knowing that pwBPD don't really have much beyond their looks, do they run out of road when the looks fade away? We will continue to enjoy love of friends & family well into our wrinkled decades where good looks are memories. Do pwBPD run out of supply & become social hermits with nobody there anymore?

[damage control]

More than one question there Moonie - but I will answer one of them from my experience.

My ex is 44 y/o. I think he was quite good-looking in his younger years and he has never had any problems pulling women.

He still has quite an attractive face but his body is getting all kinds of whack. He is now built a bit like Poirot (being English I am sure you will get the reference) ... . huge big belly that he can't seem to get rid of no matter what he does. He is almost bald (he wears a hat to cover this - a bowler hat in winter and an akubra in summer) and has gotten quite hairy ... he has also developed ED issues (but I honestly think these are emotions catching up with him rather than age).

He told me recently that a few women he has been on dates with have told him he is too obese and they are not interested ... . and yet, I think he is on woman 2 or 3 since dumping me in October 13  ... he can still find women who find him attractive - and he is an interesting and articulate man.

Perhaps what little he has left in looks will fade even more and he will find it even more difficult, I don't know. Just don't underestimate how many people there are around who can be the next supply of whatever it is s/he is seeking ... . mine spent anywhere from 6-15 hours a day on an internet dating site for about 2 weeks - and I think he has just found number 3. He was willing and able to go to that extent to secure Ms 'Next', it is that important to him.

His options may be waning, but they will never be gone entirely because he knows his script so well and is a master at implementing it. Moreover, he will do WHATEVER it takes to find somebody - literally anybody who can fit his criteria and then, he can lay on the charm like nobody's business. I still flush at the thought of him.

Maybe one day he will have to face his demons alone.

Today is not that day, nor do I see it being anytime soon.

[Ironmanrises]

Sadly, yes. A person in their elder years with a fragmented personality.

[fromheeltoheal]

Many borderlines are average looking, mine was, but it's that life or death need to attach, and the skills they've mastered to affect it, that makes their allure so intoxicating.

That said, my understanding is untreated BPD gets worse with age, although a sufferer's ability to keep a lid on it gets better, to a point. The need to attach is still there, but if they relied on their looks to affect it, new skills are required, but survive in hell that long and you get pretty good at surviving.

[Octoberfest]

It is an interesting question... . one that appeals to that part of me that wants her to "get hers" I guess. I have actually done some thinking on my BPDex's looks here recently.  She is about to turn 23 years old.  She has at least 5 or 6 tattoos of various design and in various locations, none of which are of great quality.  Her body isn't awful but certainly nothing to make ones' jaw drop.  Her face was always her most attractive feature, and having seen pictures here recently it isn't anything to go wild for either.  I finally decided that I was with her because she looked "good enough" and I really wanted to be with *someone*.  THAT has been a wakeup moment for me recently; that all along (I say that but I am 20 and only really got involved with women at 18) I haven't necessarily been "liking" girls for who they are, but rather looking for ANYONE to fill a role in my life.  Something I am working to change.

Anyways, sorry back to your question:  I think their physical appeal is largely what keeps people hooked.  After all, everyone ages.  Everyones' looks fade... . My mom telling me, "It's whats on the inside that matters most" makes a whole lot more sense in this light. I can say for certain that my BPDex's insides are far, far uglier than her outsides.  When her outsides have faded too, I don't know what she will do.  I don't forsee a happy life for her in any case. But who knows; maybe she will find some guy who will permit himself to be walked all over, cheated on, and lied to even worse than I did for 9 months.  If she does, I can only be ever so thankful that it is not me.

[Moonie75]

Octoberfest,

They don't stay if you put up with everything. They end up hating you for that too & still run out.

That was my train of thought... . They're constant runners, they can't keep friends & partners. So when they look just as ___ed & old as everyone else, who do they run to? No friends or lovers that stood the test of time, no lifelong friends to reminisce good times with! (We'll be able to have that).

[Moonie75]

More than one question there Moonie - but I will answer one of them from my experience.

My ex is 44 y/o. I think he was quite good-looking in his younger years and he has never had any problems pulling women.

He still has quite an attractive face but his body is getting all kinds of whack. He is now built a bit like Poirot (being English I am sure you will get the reference)

Poirot was Belgian ya nugget!

[Ironmanrises]

Also factor in the high suicide rate with pwBPD. The ultimate horrific and unfortunate final road.  

[Moonie75]

Also factor in the high suicide rate with pwBPD. The ultimate horrific and unfortunate final road.  

Being Belgian? I can imagine!

[coastalfog1]

Hey Moonie,

The side of me that needs to get even hopes they do run out of road. I’d love nothing more than her having a long lonely life. In my ex’s case she ran out of road where she was and out of desperation moved the road to a new area. She was clever like that  . Her road will eventually end, she’s not going to be able to pull off I’m 36 for much longer (she’s 46-48) her body is giving her away.This lie drives her ego. When this happens she’s gonna crash and burn! The end of the road…

[damage control]

More than one question there Moonie - but I will answer one of them from my experience.

My ex is 44 y/o. I think he was quite good-looking in his younger years and he has never had any problems pulling women.

He still has quite an attractive face but his body is getting all kinds of whack. He is now built a bit like Poirot (being English I am sure you will get the reference)

Poirot was Belgian ya nugget!

I KNOW that ... ... but the books and TV shows/films were all English

[bpdspell]

By the time they run out of road we won't care.

Of course their disorder wears them thin. They are misery on two legs and life will get tougher for them as their antics, manipulation and tricks get played out. Their looks may snag others but they lack the capacity to make anyone happy and that's a recipe for a lifetime of loneliness.

We don't need to wait to see the egg on their face. Their disorder ensures a lifetime of suffering without deep psychological intervention.


Spell

[damage control]

I would love to believe what everyone has written here: that sometime down the road they will run out of people, places and things.

But, I don't.

Sure, some of these people will die lonely and unhappy ... . many others will jump from person to person, still others will find somebody who doesn't trigger them as much or, they will get to an age where they realise that they cannot leap-frog as much as they used to and they will stay with someone to alleviate the fear of being old and alone.

Personally, I truly think that there are enough people in the world who are willing to put up with the drama and crap that the chances of them 'running out' is questionable.

[Moonie75]

More than one question there Moonie - but I will answer one of them from my experience.

My ex is 44 y/o. I think he was quite good-looking in his younger years and he has never had any problems pulling women.

He still has quite an attractive face but his body is getting all kinds of whack. He is now built a bit like Poirot (being English I am sure you will get the reference)

Poirot was Belgian ya nugget!

I KNOW that ... ... but the books and TV shows/films were all English

Had to be I suppose?   To maintain production longevity!

Because from what Ironman says, Belgium sounds like a pretty horrific place!

[damage control]

More than one question there Moonie - but I will answer one of them from my experience.

My ex is 44 y/o. I think he was quite good-looking in his younger years and he has never had any problems pulling women.

He still has quite an attractive face but his body is getting all kinds of whack. He is now built a bit like Poirot (being English I am sure you will get the reference)

Poirot was Belgian ya nugget!

I KNOW that ... ... but the books and TV shows/films were all English

Had to be I suppose?   To maintain production longevity!

Because from what Ironman says, Belgium sounds like a pretty horrific place!

Indeed ... all that suiciding has to take its toll on patriotism ... hehe

[santa]

Everyone comments on how beautiful my ex is. She is pretty. She's tall. She's been in swimsuit calendars, etc. Frankly, I've been with plenty of girls as pretty as her before though. She wears a hell of a lot of makeup too. I honestly don't think her looks are why I was with her. I think it was the life or death need for her to attach and the skills she's mastered to affect it that got me hooked. Her being completely obsessed with me was intoxicating. The trauma bonding was huge too. It was just an emotional hurricane and it was exciting.

She was 24 when we got together and now she's 28, so those were probably her best years. We had a daughter a year and a half ago, so she's tainted for anyone else. Lol. I think it's pretty likely her looks will go downhill sooner rather than later anyway. She already got botox to prevent wrinkles before they appear.

Either way, her mom is equally as crazy and she looks pretty rough for her age. Drinking and stuff ages you quickly. I think I'm getting out at a good time.

I don't know if my ex feels like she's running out of time with her looks, but it might be a concern with her. She said her family told her I was never going to marry her, so maybe she panicked. I don't know if I would have or not. Her recklessness is a huge liability and she really sucked the life out of me with all her drama. Who knows?

Funny tidbit about my BPDex's looks though. Initially, my mother thought my ex was very pretty. After spending a couple of weeks around her though and seeing how crazy she is, my mom was like, "I don't see how you can have sex with her." Lol.

[Perfidy]

Never run out of nothing cause you got something. Out of road when you met. Took your road.

[Moonie75]

Santa, yeah it's funny how personality can taint your view of someone's looks. (Like your mums view on your ex).

Quiet a few of my friends thought my ex had a great body when they met her. After seeing what she was doing to me they don't seem to find her as attractive now. Funny that!

[Inside]

Mine was ten years younger, and appears to seek ‘older men’ as her way of having a constant supply.  Still ‘cute in the face,’ she’d refuse to compete with women her own age for men her own age … so I assume going after older guys is her tactic.  …the latest being 15 years older than herself. 

Factoring in tidbits of what I’ve learned about BPD, there seems to eventually come a fixation on health problems …mine was definitely showing signs of those.  There’s actually a name for it … but I’m too lazy to look it up...   It’s where they nearly make themselves sick with worry about physical concerns and associated fears when there’s little to nothing wrong... .   Weird, but since the piece I read was linked to pwBPD, it may be more relevant with time…

And, my suspicion, cuz mine was heading that direction, is they also become fixated on their children, constantly inserting themselves into their lives.  I easily envision her paranoid over various physical phobias while constantly bugging her son/s to show adequate concern …then getting her to the doctor on time! 

For me, the more I learn of BPD, the more relaxed I feel about no longer having it in my life  

[fromheeltoheal]

For me, the more I learn of BPD, the more relaxed I feel about no longer having it in my life  

Hallelujah!

[santa]

Santa, yeah it's funny how personality can taint your view of someone's looks. (Like your mums view on your ex).

Quiet a few of my friends thought my ex had a great body when they met her. After seeing what she was doing to me they don't seem to find her as attractive now. Funny that!

LOL

Once people realize they're mentally disturbed, they don't seem so pretty anymore.

[Dutched]

Hmm… most comments are about low – average functioning BPD and “youngers”

Somehow different with HF older BPDs  is my experience.

She is ca. 50yrs now .We met when she was 18 yrs. average looking, not self-confident about her appearance / body ánd intellect. Never ever cheated, stayed together for 3+ decades.

During these years I emphasized to look positive about her self. She is for a 9 yrs in her current job.

As they have a “false self” she compared herself with colleagues who were better, brighter and better looking. However, as she successfully finished heavy courses in these last years, she became very aware of her presence.

 

The first 20 yrs she dressed in a sophisticated way, even a "wow-look". Since the break up she shifted to a “cougar-look”, on the hunt for…  I guess to find a soother as (like all of them) they long so intense for being loved and adored. They need it as we all know.

Yes, common I think, she doesn’t have real friends. When she let’s some one to becomes to close, she minimizes contact or ends it.

  For all of them:  “when the audience is gone, they cease to exist”. So yes they fade away, but are “keeping up appearances” (like old movie stars) . 

[ScotisGone74]

Ha... . I saw botox already mentioned in this thread.   My exBPD used to always comment that she would start getting that as soon as she turned 30.   She also went to great extremes to get her hair and nails professionaly done each week, was constantly getting spray tanned, got some professional hair extensions... . I mean geez, all that effort to keep going in your mid twenties, just alot of energy expended.    She now has a child and as she gets older won't be able to keep the pace up on all of her 'professional' do ups.      The constant binge eating, alcohol use, pain meds, and not getting any exercise because she's out constantly trolling for new meat will eventually catch up with her... . I know this, but bye the time that happens I really won't give a s&^%.   

[ShadowDancer]

I really do hate to admit this, I truly do, this is one of the questions that has persistently and uncomfortably noodled me the most since I have gone NC. The speculation inherent in the question of "do they run out of road" can and should drive a "normal" person to question the well spring and wisdom of the root cause of this specific questioning thought process. The next question I ask myself is this, at the conclusion of any of my prior relationships would this particular extraordinary speculative interest be considered be even a remotely "normal" part of my grieving and moving forward? The answer is unequivocally NO! So what makes this relationship different?

The ex is over 45 and looks so youthful, sexy, and still stunningly seductive that it is simply "unworldly" in my adult experience. I am being absolutely sincere in this. I also understand that with this is also a two sided paradox for both her and I. It was these very physically appealing attributes of hers that originally attracted mine as well as many others interests and vulnerabilities and is the very reason she considers this her most valuable and workable asset, because It WORKS. The men literally lined up. But, and this is the BIG BUTT, IT WAS NOT ENOUGH! Not for me. Why? Permit me to quote one of my heros:

You can shine your shoes and wear a suit

You can comb your hair and look quite cute

You can hide your face behind a smile

But one thing you can't hide is when your crippled inside

You can wear a mask and paint your face

You can call your self the human race

You can wear a collar and a tie

One thing you can't hide is when your crippled inside

Well now you know your cat has nine lives

Nine lives to itself but you only got one

And a dogs life aint not fun, Mama take a look outside

You can go to church and sing a hymn

You can judge me by the color of my skin

You can live a lie until you die

But one thing you can't hide... .

I consider myself fortunate in the knowledge that my physic existence and spiritual well-being were not entirely consumed in the temporary ensuing insanity and turmoil of the disordered emotional desert of a relationship I had embarked upon. Some of my last words to her were "I'm more lonely with you than without you". And it was true. I was starving for a sense of connectedness that just did not exist within her. My life was becoming a dogs life. And it was not fun... . not anymore. I felt like a man on a high wire. It just became appeasement work.

So in the end analysis the eventual unacceptable appearance of the PD's extreme inner impoverishment became overwhelmingly apparent to me as the outer attractiveness became the one final remaining distraction from this bitter realization. This is what I consider my personal watershed in resolving my own inner cognitive dissonance about the outer beauty not reflecting the inner person. Inner or outer beauty. Which do I prefer? I finally gave up the "if only" thinking and I made my choice.

Do I care if she runs out of validation road? Not anymore. I'm minding my own side of the street.